to believe my husband is an abusive turd...

[BananaMush]

A bit of background. My husband and I have been together since 2006, married about a year and a half ago, have a 6mth old baby.

When we originally got together, it was a long distance relationship. I was studying and had a year left till I qualified. We planned for me to finish studying, then we would move closer together. When I had 6months left, he decided he couldn't do the distance thing and said I had to choose between him and my studies/a career. I chose him. I totally walked out on my life, including a lot of my friends and my family (who couldn't understand my decision) practically disowned me. My mum started talking to me again about a year ago.

I got a job, enjoyed it and was happy. A year into it, he convinced me it wasn't 'viable' for me to work. travel costs etc. He could earn enough for both of us. Basically said our relationship was over if I continued to work - we were engaged at the time. So I stopped and started working from home for his business. Paperwork, phonecalls etc.

There is so much more in the past and drama but we have been great for sooo long now. Until recently. I am beginning to feel very trapped and controlled. I feel like the way he talks to me is unacceptable. I think he knows it is but carries on.

He nags me constantly and critisises how I do things. Just some examples -

• I put the bowls away 'wrong' the other day from the dishwasher. Admittidly, I just shoved them in the cupboard randomly and all balancing precariously but I had a screaming 6mnth old.

• I don't clean enough. Apparantly the house is a tip

• He goes mad that I haven't done a piece of paperwork (when most of the time, I don't even know of said paperworks existence, as he doesn't tell me)

There are loads more, you get the idea. Now, I don't mind a wee tiff or him nagging a bit, I nag him too. What I object to and find draining is the way he goes about it.

For example, the 'bowl' episode. He quickly descended into shouting and swearing. Calling me 'stupid' and asking me to explain myself. When I try to respond, he interrupts me every time and accuses me of trying to wheedle my way out. He asks me 'what were you thinking', 'are you an idiot', 'what's wrong with you' etc etc.

If I try to answer, he talks over me, saying 'shut up stuid cow'etc. If I ignore him, he says I'm being childish and have an attitude problem and am playing games. I can't win....or even take part in his tirade. If I cry, he calls me a baby and immature. If I don't cry, he says I'm a grumpy bitch and will persist with insulting me till I do. I try sooo hard not to cry so as not to upset my little boy. I try to smile through it all so he doesn't pick it up. But I know he will.

The personal insults get worse as the weeks go on. Every little tiff escalates into him swearing at me. He says things like 'If you carry this on, you will know about it'....'I can assure you, it won't be me upset at the end of this'....'I'm really wondering about you just now'...'you are just like your mum' (he hates my mum and that is his fave line just now)...'you come from scum, what should I expect'. He hates my whole family, always putting them down, and keeps telling me I'm predestined to become a bitch as my family are scum. I lost my virginity at 16 to a bf I had been with for years. He knows this and says he hates me for it and I am disgusting and I have no morals.

Sorry, this is so disjointed. I'm just trying to give a picture.

When he has been like this, he normally apologises. Profusely. And says how good I am and that he doesn't deserve me. Sometimes these apologies come at night in bed when he thinks I'm not awake. Apologies used to work, now they just make me feel sick iyswim. I accept them in order to not continue the argument.

I'm living on edge at the moment. I shake when he starts. He is working today. I am writing this while my boy sleeps on my knee. But all I can think is how I must get the place spotless for when he gets home.

And make sure I don't waste too much electric...visit anyone etc. He says I love to assume the role of 'down trodden housewife'. I don't, do I??

When it's great, it's great. But it's not really making up for the bad times at the moment.

Sorry this is so long. I'm sad. I need to let it out. Do you think I'm over reacting? Is this normal marriage bickering? Please be gentle with me. I'm delicate just now.

It helps if you can start putting money away secretly, but really, you probably need more than you will be able to get in your current situation, unless you could take out a bank loan or credit card. (Which of course is more debt) So I'd forget putting money aside - except to maybe slowly collect £10-20 for an emergency taxi fund. If you move to a refuge they will help you set up benefits etc to cover your living costs while you are there, and then will support you when you come to move on to find a place of your own and sort out all the financial side of things etc - so don't worry about needing money to move out. You probably will be on benefits for a bit, but that is what they are there for - it's a temporary measure, a safety net.

I know everyone keeps saying this but ring Women's Aid. (The call won't show up on a landline bill BTW but probably will on a mobile phone bill so be careful. If you ring from a phone box you don't have to put any money in.) Save the number in your phone under someone you already have in there (just add a new number like a home number or work number) - that way your DH won't notice anyone new in your phone if he happens to look through it. Or remember you can always ring 118118 for the number if you need it suddenly.

They are lovely, they will understand exactly what you are talking about, they are not judgemental at all and they will NOT tell you what to do. I was worried about taking up a space in a refuge which might have been needed by someone who was living with "proper" abuse - I know now that that would not have been the case (actually, I met someone after I left XP who was living in a women's refuge locally and she was the only person there!), and it's not the case that physical violence is "worse" than other forms of abuse.

Good luck - I hope that you can get out, when you are ready

Banana - you poor poor thing. I've never seen a thread on MN so overwhelmingly in agreement that you need to leave this man.

I'm frightened for you, frightened that if you talk to him it could escalate his behaviour very quickly to even more controlling and most likely violent as well. You may end up more cut off as a result of trying to reason with him.

Please please ring Women's Aid now
0808 2000 247

You can't possible stay with this man. I do understand that you aren't quite there yet, aren't quite ready to take this huge step, but I promise you - once you do you will feel a world of relief lift off your shoulders.

I wish you well OP. x

This is definately abuse. I have been in that situation. I left with nothing a year ago. I am so very much happier even though it was very hard.

Take good gentle care.

I'm not sure whether I would call this abuse, but I would certainly say that my DH would never, ever, ever speak to me like that, and if he was the sort of man to speak to his wife like that I wouldn't be married to him. As for whether you should leave him, only you can answer that.

It definitely is abuse.

And, probably this man didn't talk to BananaMush like this to begin with. It will have been a very gradual process to get to where they are today.

Oh BananaMush I am so so sorry for you.

You know in your heart this 'relationship' isnt actually anything of the sort and I think you know that you're with a bad'un. Us just saying leave him isnt what you want to hear right now, but I suspect you posting your original question on here will turn out to be a turning point in your life. Because unless you want a lifetime of fear and misery for yourself and your little one, thats what you know you will need to do.

You dont sound ready to go yet, but how about starting to plan anyway? Start picturing yourself in a new life, one where you arent permanently on edge, scared to do and say the wrong thing, one where you are loved and cared for and supported. Thats how it should be. Take your courage in both hands and tell someone what is going on: Womens Aid, a family member, a friend. You took the first baby step by posting on here, now take the next one. Lean on people who will support you.

These men get worse not better; talking to him whether he's calm or angry wont make a jot of difference. Joint counselling wont help either, its his problem not yours, whatever he tells you. And you dont need to be there to make him better, because you cant. I strongly suspect the physical violence isnt far away, this whole scenario sounds so familiar. The words turn into angry words, turn into vicious words, turn into threats, turn into 'just a little push after all we were both angry', turn into .....well you get the idea.

My first marriage had great similarities to your relationship. I ended up in hospital undergoing major surgery thanks to him, followed by an attempt on the life of myself and my 4 year old daughter.

The money side will sort itself out I promise. We were left in huge debt, but you know what, that was all sorted eventually. And people will help you, you arent alone.

There's a lovely new life out there for you. When you are ready, we will all hold your hand whilst you take the first steps towards it xx

Banana I really hope you are ok...

You have had some great advice here and we are here for support. I too have been where you are and as Folly has said the verbal abuse often turns to physical abuse..

But I can totally understand that you are not ready to leave just yet. You must get there yourself and no one can force you.

I will however tell you my story. My ex was a charming and loving man. He was older (although not old I was 18 he was 23), charming and exciting. I was at college studying my A levels and he ran a pub. We hit it off and started seeing each other. Everything was great and then he asked me to leave college and move with him to another part of the country. I did, much to the distress of family, and we were so happy. We ran a pub together and everything was great... UNTIL..... the emotional abuse started 2 years down he line... I believed it was me, he was right, I tried and tried... Then 2 years later the physical abuse started. First a push, then a slap, then a punch. Each time he was sorry. It was him, he would get help. He never did, I loved him... I knew he wasn't like this as we had had such a wonderful life before so it must be me. I needed to fix things, I wasn't ready to leave and ended up wasting 9 years of my life.

My family didn't speak to me for years because I chose, (now I see I had no capacity to choose) to go back to him the first time he put me in hospital..

I was isolated, both family and friends had given up on me years before I hit the point of no return..

It took an unplanned pregnancy to wake me up. He had broken my jaw, cracked my ribs, perforated my ear drum, given me more concussions than I care to remember, dragging me around the house by my hair was a Friday night occurrence . There was so much more but the worst was he made me belive it really was my fault and that all I had was him... But now i was pregnant and I had more than him.. and suddenly I woke up... I had to protect this baby with all i had... unfortunately he convinced me he would change and I gave him one last chance, then when i was 16 weeks pregnant he kicked me in the stomach and pushed me down the stairs.

i lost my baby, and lost my will to live. i took an overdose but luckily was found in time and taken to hospital where a wonderful psychologist opened my eyes..

I called the police, I called for help but most of all i called my parents...

And do you know what NOT ONCE did they say I told you so....

I am sorry i have talked to much and been very selfish ( I haven't once gone into this with anyone outside my family) but just wanted you to know that I don't believe for one second that your family will say "I told you so" or turn their back on you when you need them. You may not be close now but you will be again I assure you....

When you are ready they will be there....

Sending you lots of love and support right now...

Banana hope you are ok..

OMG!

You aren't over-reacting. Can you leave?

I've been thinking about this thread and I know the overwhelming opinion is that OP's husband is abusive, but is there a point of "labelling" him as an abuser.
Isn't it just a bit of a waste of time?

My ex was controlling and could be horrible but he didn't stop me socialising, learning to drive (in fact he encouraged it- put me on insurance etc).
So I don't know if he fitted into "classic" abusive behaviour BUT his constant carping, frequent threats, and tendency to talk over me (indeed everyone he met) was enough for me to leave.
Isn't it enough that he is horrible to OP, making her lose her self-confidence and esteem and making her live in fear? Isn't that enough in ITSELF to make her leave?
Why the need for a label?

I just want to add. It is over a year since I was last called a 'fucking stupid cow' a 'bitch' a 'frigid bitch' etc.

it is also over a year since I did all the shopping, working, paying of everything, cleaning, washing, running around after other people to fetch prescriptions, etc etc.

I am so very much happier, and have met a wonderful man.

It is possible to do, even if it is the scariest thing in the world. I am proof of that.

It is so incredibly liberating, and although it's hard at first and scary, well worth it.

marantha the OP is being terribly mentally abused. I think helping her to see that is the most helpful thing we can do, not to minimise what she's going through.

It's not just a label, it's definately appropriate to use the word 'abuse' or 'abuser' in this scenario.

Bumps.

X

hairytriangle Sorry, but I take offence at what you've just said here.
I've been through what OP is going through and it is not a trivial matter AT ALL.
I wasted a lot of time wondering about whether or not my ex was abusive- he does y so he must be, but then again he does x so he can't be.

Until I thought: "s**t it doesn't matter. He treats me badly, I am in fear of him and I am tip-toeing around him all the time.
That in itself is enough to leave him!"

So, no I am NOT minimising what she is going through at all.

Banana: please be very careful and don't issue this shitbag with any kind of ultimatum ie that he needs to change or you will leave.
He understands perfectly well that he is upsetting and scaring and abusing you. He CHOOSES to do this, He WANTS you to be sad and afraid and isolated all the time, because you are an object/pet/domestic appliance he feels entitled to do what he likes with.
And if he gets any warning that you are waking up to what a waste of oxygen he is, and that you may be planning to escape, he will hurt you badly. Abusive men are at their most dangerous when women try to leave.

Bumps/plump - your post made me cry. God I cannot believe so many women have been through this hell. I am feeling very lucky - and I choose the word advisedly as women who fall victim to these men pare all intelligent, rational, 'ordinary' women - that I have never been through this.

On the 'abuser' label subject, this is why on many other threads I get angry when posters cry 'abuser' when it is not at all clear that they are. Then is NOT helpful, here it IS helpful as the OP needs urgent urgent support and the realisation she is in DANGER.

I agree entirely that she is in danger and must leave him. In 100% agreement. I may call him one thing, others may call him something else.
What matters is that ALL posters here are saying "leave" and be careful about how you approach the matter.

Actually OP do read Marantha's last comment.

The label doesn't matter, you are in danger, be careful and leave.

Oh and do at least try to let us know when you have.

agreed

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, OP. If you've got a way to get across the ocean you could come stay with me.

Please be careful, and of course YAVVVVVDNBU. But you know this.

I have just read this whole thread and it has brought tears to my eyes. None of you deserve to be treated the way you have in the past.

And I am so glad that you have all gotten out, moved on, and started a new happy life.

OP when I read your post my stomach flip flopped and I got that horrible feeling.

Please call someone even just to talk about how you feel. Womens Aid will not make you leave, they will listen and give advice and support.

Where in the UK are you?

Yes SGB, I gave my abuser a manifesto of things that had to change after the first time I left him. He reluctantly agreed to a few of them and I went back, feeling maybe things would change. The only thing that changed was that he referred to my 'tin pot parade' (leaving him) added 'histrionics' to the list of things I was regularly accused of. In addition to this, when I'd left him the first time he instantly cancelled the credit card I'd been using which had been in his name. When I came back, I had to get my own credit card in my own name. This left me very vulnerable as he was able to add financial abuse to the 'arsenal' of abuses. Every month I had to buy necessities with a credit card because I had no money in my current account. He'd then go through the visa bill at the end of the month and make a production out of settling the bill I had run up buying food!!

It will be different (slightly) for each abuser, but if you give him an ultimatum he will only fool you into thinking he'll change and really, it has given him a headsup. The net around you seems to close.

I used up a lot of energy leaving the first time. And it was all for nohting as I stupidly went back to him.

However once I worked up to leaving the second time I knew. From painful experience. So we are trying to save you those painful extra years of suffering. Please take our word for it. There is no point talking to him or issuing him with an ultimatum. It will come to nothing, except more wasted years.

I hope you are ok. This is so overwhelming. I know how overwhelming it is. I had my own thread like this once. And I had to step away from posting on it because I felt like I couldn't just walk out the door on the advice of well-meaning strangers. But from now on when he talks to you you will hear our voices urging you to walk away. Eventually that voice will be your own voice, ykwim? I have faith. I can tell from your thread title that your one of the ones who will pull the strength out of the bag and leave. You will.

ps Marantha I agree with hairytriangle. I think that understanding what happened, and the closest thing to 'why' that you're ever going to get is extremely useful in moving beyond it. Making the past the past. Obviously nobody needs a label to feel justified in ending a relationship. I have ended relationships with people in the past. But this one, the one I refer to was so completely different from anything else. I needed more than a night out with the girls and a platitude such as 'plenty more fish in the sea' or 'there' a lid for every pan'. I needed to understand why another human being had treated me with such contempt, and why I had allowed it, and the label you dismiss was crucial to that process.