to believe my husband is an abusive turd...

[BananaMush]

A bit of background. My husband and I have been together since 2006, married about a year and a half ago, have a 6mth old baby.

When we originally got together, it was a long distance relationship. I was studying and had a year left till I qualified. We planned for me to finish studying, then we would move closer together. When I had 6months left, he decided he couldn't do the distance thing and said I had to choose between him and my studies/a career. I chose him. I totally walked out on my life, including a lot of my friends and my family (who couldn't understand my decision) practically disowned me. My mum started talking to me again about a year ago.

I got a job, enjoyed it and was happy. A year into it, he convinced me it wasn't 'viable' for me to work. travel costs etc. He could earn enough for both of us. Basically said our relationship was over if I continued to work - we were engaged at the time. So I stopped and started working from home for his business. Paperwork, phonecalls etc.

There is so much more in the past and drama but we have been great for sooo long now. Until recently. I am beginning to feel very trapped and controlled. I feel like the way he talks to me is unacceptable. I think he knows it is but carries on.

He nags me constantly and critisises how I do things. Just some examples -

• I put the bowls away 'wrong' the other day from the dishwasher. Admittidly, I just shoved them in the cupboard randomly and all balancing precariously but I had a screaming 6mnth old.

• I don't clean enough. Apparantly the house is a tip

• He goes mad that I haven't done a piece of paperwork (when most of the time, I don't even know of said paperworks existence, as he doesn't tell me)

There are loads more, you get the idea. Now, I don't mind a wee tiff or him nagging a bit, I nag him too. What I object to and find draining is the way he goes about it.

For example, the 'bowl' episode. He quickly descended into shouting and swearing. Calling me 'stupid' and asking me to explain myself. When I try to respond, he interrupts me every time and accuses me of trying to wheedle my way out. He asks me 'what were you thinking', 'are you an idiot', 'what's wrong with you' etc etc.

If I try to answer, he talks over me, saying 'shut up stuid cow'etc. If I ignore him, he says I'm being childish and have an attitude problem and am playing games. I can't win....or even take part in his tirade. If I cry, he calls me a baby and immature. If I don't cry, he says I'm a grumpy bitch and will persist with insulting me till I do. I try sooo hard not to cry so as not to upset my little boy. I try to smile through it all so he doesn't pick it up. But I know he will.

The personal insults get worse as the weeks go on. Every little tiff escalates into him swearing at me. He says things like 'If you carry this on, you will know about it'....'I can assure you, it won't be me upset at the end of this'....'I'm really wondering about you just now'...'you are just like your mum' (he hates my mum and that is his fave line just now)...'you come from scum, what should I expect'. He hates my whole family, always putting them down, and keeps telling me I'm predestined to become a bitch as my family are scum. I lost my virginity at 16 to a bf I had been with for years. He knows this and says he hates me for it and I am disgusting and I have no morals.

Sorry, this is so disjointed. I'm just trying to give a picture.

When he has been like this, he normally apologises. Profusely. And says how good I am and that he doesn't deserve me. Sometimes these apologies come at night in bed when he thinks I'm not awake. Apologies used to work, now they just make me feel sick iyswim. I accept them in order to not continue the argument.

I'm living on edge at the moment. I shake when he starts. He is working today. I am writing this while my boy sleeps on my knee. But all I can think is how I must get the place spotless for when he gets home.

And make sure I don't waste too much electric...visit anyone etc. He says I love to assume the role of 'down trodden housewife'. I don't, do I??

When it's great, it's great. But it's not really making up for the bad times at the moment.

Sorry this is so long. I'm sad. I need to let it out. Do you think I'm over reacting? Is this normal marriage bickering? Please be gentle with me. I'm delicate just now.

Leave ,return to your family and get a good solicitor , you will not be left with nothing ,you have a child .

Labels are good - like finding a diagnosis. When you've got a diagnosis you can treat it accordingly. In your case Banana - this guy uses severe abuse to control you.

I'm sure he won't want you to leave him, infact if he gets any inclination that you might do he'll probablt step it up and try to convince you that you can't survive without him.

Or he'll be really really really lovely for a while... just long enough for you to go back to thinking, that everything is great.. but then you will be back on here in time.. maybe weeks/months.. to say he's doing it again..
He sounds really horrible. This doesn't sound like a happy relationship for you to bring a baby up in...
Its going to be SO SO hard but you have to do something, before it goes any further.
If you can't leave, then atleast have the guts to say you want to seek help for your relationship, so he can prove he wants it to work..

Remember that you are not a 'human' in your husbands eyes , to allow himself to treat you as he does ,he has relegated you to sub human .Talking to him will do you no good . You could try being calm and telling him you will not accept his behaviour the next time he does it ,but in all probability if you do this he will hit you . Sorry if that sounds melodramatic ,but id be shocked if it didnt happen . Do not tell him you are leaving when you decide the time is right , from what you have said there is very little doubt in my mind that he will really hurt you and no-one on here wants you to be part of the shocking stasitic that most women murdered in the uk are killed by thier partners /husbands .

BananaMush Everyone keeps asking you where you are in the UK and obviously has probably noted that you'd rather not say.

I'm saying this though. I live in Sheffield. My email address I will supply you with if you'd like me to (or print in this thread should you request me to).

If you need a safe place to go to so that you can make phonecalls to the WA (or whoever you need to) where you won't get found out and thereby be in danger,then consider coming to me and my family.

It will have to be temporary (say 2-3weeks?) but you can make the necessary phonecalls and have a room for you and your son, a roof over your head and no need to be in fear.

I don't know if it helps but if it does make your escape possible, then I would love to help.

Hi Bananamush. Call Womens Aid. It doesn't commit you to anything. refer them to this thread.

If you're wobbling about whether what you've experienced is 'real' abuse, the person at Womens Aid who will have stacks of experience in twill be able to help you.

Thanks, Easywriter, I'd been wondering if it was worth saying something like that.

BananaMush, if you are in the south, I am in Swindon and can also provide a room. If you can ring 0844 855 3200, I can give you a geographic number and more info.

[BTW, I know it is not relevant, but I wondered why puffling thought the woman at Women's Aid would be wearing twill... ]

I just thought I'd point out to posters who may only be reading the end of the thread that BananaMush's husband doesn't work today, so she may not be able to get back until Monday.

Hope Banana's OK.....

Banana - drop back in when you can to tell us how things are going. We're all here thinking of you..

Her husband is around today. maybe she'll pop back to the thread Monday.

I can only offer emotional support because I'm in another country but am sad and appalled at your situation. You need to make plans to leave, as everyone has said.
(((((((HUG)))))))

He sounds very much like an ex boyfriend of mine. I hadn't realised how much he had ground me down until my parents broke into my house when I was out for a walk because my Mum thought I had killed myself.

He won't want your friends and family around because he knows they will tell you to leave him... because they love and care for you.

You deserve the right to some life of your own and your son deserves to see how a loving couple show each other respect.

Best of luck.

omg you have to take your little one and get the hell out of there!! This man sounds like an absolute beast, keep a record of what he does and says to you plan carefully and then go, also seek legal advice your first half an hour is free good luck, be safe

hi BM
i normally just lurk, but can't get you out of my head. again, not sure of your location, but i have a house you could have (available immediately) if you are in NI
hope all well today and will check in with this thread tomorrow
i know its been said, but please please just get out

hi, some excellent advice here. get out now. also just wanted to say that please be really careful re. your emails/posts - would hate him to find them... stay strong

I couldn't read this without posting. Please contact someone for help and advice and leave as soon as you can. Don't tell him you're planning to leave. If you're not ready, bide your time. Use it wisely by contacting domestic abuse helplines and ringing your family to let them know you need them. Save money if you can. Don't suffer in silence. I pray it works out well for you.

Have just read the whole thread and can only reiterate what others have said - abuse does not only constitute physical violence.

I know you are a bit nervous about calling WA but honestly, they will not push you into doing anything you dont want to, but will be able to discuss your options.

There is quite a bit of information on their website which could be helpful to you (especially if you are worried about his reaction when you try to leave).

Could I also recommend you see CAB who will be able to advise you on finances/benefits/housing, etc.

Shelter can also give advice on housing.

Hope you are okay and able to come back and let us know how things are going xx

Mumof2point5, that is an amazing thing to be able to offer. I know I would have left years sooner than I did if only I'd had somewhere to go.

Marantha I'm sorry you took offense, but I stand by my response to your original post.

To minimise what is happening and call it anything other than abuse is unhelpful to the OP.

I understand totally Banana that you may not yet be ready to leave, I really do - God knows, it took me at least 7 years to actually leave.

Just take your own time, and take sympathy and advice from those who have insight to help you.

Take gentle care.

Obviously there are degrees of abuse, and I think that beyond such a point the label is not only useful but like a balm to soothe the damaged psyche!

Perhaps up to and before that point it's not so crucial. I don't mean to demean what Marantha experienced. It sounds like a miserable dysfunctional relationship and I'm sure it's left a scar of its own shape.

HairyTriangle, 7 years is a bit of flash point I think. Reading these threads it amazes me how often people leave after either 7 years, or 17 years. Thank goodness I was one of the ones who only wasted 7 years.

I guess from the moment I realised I had no future with this man to the point where I actually walked out the door (attacked as I went - everything they say about this being a trigger for violence is correct) was about 4 years.... but from the time I posted a cry for help thread and the point where I walked out the door, about 9 weeks.

Banana- Just want to agree with all the other posters, this is an abusive relationship, and you will need to leave. If you recognise that, you can then begin to start thinking about the details of when and how. Call Women's Aid, I'm sure you won't be pressurised or forced into anything, but they will be able to help you.

Good luck, thinking of you.

I am in Bristol so if you need to get out and you are near me then just say so. I have a 7 month old son so all the baby paraphernalia is covered :-) hope you are ok.

hairytriangle I am not minimising what she's going through.
OK, this is my (clumsy) attempt at an analogy.
You come into your house with a huge turd on your shoe.
I say: "Look, you have a disgusting dog turd on your shoe"
YOU say: "Yes, it is a disgusting dog faeces"

We BOTH say, "Get it off the shoes right now and use disinfectant on them".

We both realise it is a disgusting, harmful, unneccesary thing and needs to be removed.
That's what matters.

Bump

Been thinking of you all day, hope you are ok.

Right - thankyou again for listening and giving such support.

I spoke to him yesterday. I was not scared to, I know him well.

I told him he could not talk to me the way he has been during arguments etc. He agreed. I told him there would be no more swearing or raised voices like there have been. He agreed. I told him it scared me when he got so angry and I did worry that in the future he would lash out physically at me. He was horrified at this. I said he could be horrified but at the end of the day, that's how he has been making me feel. He tried to apologise, I told him that it meant nothing and only his future actions could prove himself.

It was calm, he is clear I won't be a prisoner in my house. He is clear thst I have better things to do than housework 24/7. With regards to friends and family, I've said he might not get on with people but who I spend time with is my decision.

I kept reminding him that this life we have together is my life too and I won't have it ruined.

And I told him I will leave if things don't drastically improve.

So far so good. But I know that means nothing and the proof is in the outcome.

I don't feel worried, I feel quite empowered tbh

Have also told a good friend what's been happening. She came round and told him she knew and he better grow up. He made us all coffee & admitted to us both that he can be very manipulative and doesn't like it or mean it. He asked that we keep him grounded.