AIBU about wanting DH to have a vasectomy

[purpletrees]

Will try to be brief.

Married 10 yrs, have DS and DD, neither of us want any more children. We have discussed this at length and we are both quite certain, even in the scenerio we ended up divorced and with different partners - we are happy with DS and DD.

Both my pregnancies were 8 months of utter hell - complications, numerous hospital visits - DH has described my condition whilst pregnant as "something out of the exorcist". I was totally incapacitated both times and had to have full time care (provided on a live in basis by my mother and other family member doing as much as they could). Both my kids were delivered as borderline prems and DS had to have quite a few hospital visits as a baby. Kids now 4 and 2 with no lasting effects. I am back to health.

Due to the complications that I suffered, I can take no form of hormonal contraception whatsoever. We are currently using condoms and I would like DH to get a vasectomy because I am conerned about the long term reliability of condoms. I am only 32 and despite the problems I had in pregnancy, both DCs were conceived very easily so it is reasonable to believe that I am pretty fertile still. I think that if I had a sterlisiation myself (I would be prepared to undergo the operation, pain, recovery etc), the risk of me having an ectopic pregnancy is extremely worrying - I am a SAHM providing all care for the DCs whilst DH works very long hours. I think the solution is for DH to have a vasectomy, but he refuses to even discuss it saying that "he doesn't want his body messed with".

I know that's his right, but I just think it is extremely cruel for him not to consider it, not to investigate it at all just because he has made this statement. Given what I have gone through, I would have thought he could do this to protect my health. So...AIBU? I would not hesitate to protect him if the situation was reversed.

If I did become pregnant accidentally, I could not have a termination purely to prevent my own suffering. We could afford another DC and we could fit another DC in the house/car etc.

Just wondering if your dh knows much about it or is like mine... Friend of ours had it done and dh immediately said absolutely no chance he would even consider it... 'What if they make a mistake!!' Don't think he has a clue what the operation involves and that they won't touch the important bit
Hope your dh comes round with a bit of information. Sounds like the most sensible option for you. Good luck!

DH had a vasectomy last september and is still suffering side effects from it.

He hemorrhaged and because of this had horrific swelling and brusing that lasted for nearly 6 weeks. He couldnt drive for those 6 weeks.

We were going back and fore seeing the surgeon twice a week for the 6 weeks. There was talk about him going back into surgery to remove the clot. But thankfully it started to settle down after 6 weeks. Although he was signed off from work for 8 weeks.

Although this is the worst case scenarios. But it can happen.

When we went for the initial meeting about dh getting a vasectomy, we were told 'this can happen' 'that can happen' but are rare.

speaking from experience condoms can break, also they can slip off. No, we werent usng them wrong! I had it happen to me once (years ago) and I took the mornng after pill, not an option for OP who cant have hormonal contraception. OP - YANBU and I sympathise with you.

Asked a friend her thoughts and her hubby said he wouldn't have a vasectomy what if the knife slipped and cut off his willy?

Do some men feel that the op is too close for comfort in case something goes wrong?

He was halfheartedly joking and we told him if the knife slips during a sterilization then it could be our internal organs being snipped off. Ultimately women are going through a major op under general anaesthetic, men are having a local.

Totstoten Your DH had a bad but rare reaction. I can imagine it was very unpleasant and he wished he hadn't done it. Still a clot during a sterilization could be easily missed and result in stroke or death.

Beenbeeta OP is not blackmailing him by witholding sex, she is taking the ultimate contraception and ensuring she is not getting pregnant.

OP you need him to talk about it as he is being selfish dismissing it out of hand. It will maybe take a long time but you will get there. Good luck

So the statistically possible but not probable side effects of a vasectomy for your "D"H outweigh for him the probable side effects of pregnancy for you, not to mention the spoiling of your enjoyment of sex because of your fear of becoming pregnant? YANBU; tell him abstinence is now your preferred method of contraception.

I don't think there's an easy answer to this. And though I do think OP's hubby is being selfish, I don't think contraception should be an issue for emotional blackmail, from either side. I must be lucky I haven't had problems with pregnancy, but even if I did, I find the thought of my DH becoming infertile somewhat disturbing. Just as much as I can't bear the thought of losing my own fertility. I don't mean to be cruel but imagine for a second something happened to one of your kids and suddenly you might consider having another baby. Extremely unlikely of course, but my point is, you can never be 100% sure.
I mean, there are less invasive options, maybe you could use a spermiside cream + condom, so far as I'm aware creams are pretty harmless unless they irritate you? Or there are female 'condoms', could you maybe use a male and a female one at the same time?
I do take the point that men should do their fair share tho, so I had a look on google and found this
the abundance of options blew me away tbh!

wooops... they're all in trial worth a try sending him to hina to get a plug tho? ;)

that was China

maybe he has heard some scare stories, my brother was told the most horrendous things by "friends" and nearly put him off.Female sterilisation not such a big deal now either,keyhole surgery with short recovery time and very little risk of becoming pregnant.Still think though it is hubbys turn to be responsible for something,get him to talk to a profesional and keep on until he does and go with him to make sure he does, have a friend whose hubby told he had gone for appointment and had'nt.

It should be his choice. But if he's not even willing to research it before deciding, then he's being extremely unreasonable.

'Female sterilisation not such a big deal now either,keyhole surgery with short recovery time and very little risk of becoming pregnant.'

It's a serious operation under general anaesthetic. The gas used to blow up the abdomen and resulting trapped wind can be incredibly painful. The incisions used, although small, still go all the way through the abdominal wall and have to be made with a scalpel.

If you do become pregnant, the likelihood of the pregnancy being ectopic, a potentially life-threatening condition, is high.

My mother has two very close friends who had ectopic pregnancies after female sterilisation. Both, being in their mid-40s, believed they were becoming menopausal, especially as it was years after their sterilsation, hence, didn't query missing a period.

Both had ruptured ectopics, had to have emergency, radical hyterectomies, septaecemia afterwards, and nearly died.

Modern-day vasectomies, by contrast, don't use a scalpel.

There's no knife to slip up.

My OH would have the snip in a second if I was ok with it. I think your attitude can depend a lot on what your parents did- his dad had one, so he thinks it's normal, mine didn't so I never even considered that would be an option for us.

I'm hoping that OH will change his mind about no more children in a few years when DC3 is no longer a baby . We're only 29. But if he is still adamant then I imagine that's what he'll do. Sex with contraception is (hence the three kids so far!).

I hope your OH comes round OP

DH had it, wild horses wouldn't have stopped him, he was done, finished, no more babies.

However, his best friend, who also does not want any more DC, refuses to have the snip. Doesn't want to research, and, despite being a grown-up 40 year old, is scared his 'pieces' might not function.

Imagine - i think he put more effort into researching his picks for his World Cup bets.

Your Dh is being very unreasonable not even to consider it - whats the harm in going to his GP just to talk about it??
It was simply the most sensible option for us, i have no wish to remain on the pill, we're really bad with condoms and have no wish for anymmore DCs.
My DH had the snip when DC3 was 17 months. he drove himself there, picked up a takeaway on the way back and apart from bitterly resenting the snug pants he had to wear for a week or two, has been fine .
He's had one "clear" test and now refuses to go back for the second double check .
It's made no difference to our sex life - I'm just thrilled to have finally come off the pill.
What he did do though, was pay for a private consultation first to really really understand what was involved then had the op on the NHS, where he said it was like being on a conveyor belt with little info.

"What he did do though, was pay for a private consultation first to really really understand what was involved then had the op on the NHS, where he said it was like being on a conveyor belt with little info.2

That is the problem. The NHS website is useless and frankly in the brief discussion I had with my GP it was pretty much 'oh its just a quick routine procedure'.

Being informed and making an informed joint decision as a couple is key.

OP YANBU. He really needs to be adult about it and at least discuss the options. It seems jolly unfair that he will be enjoying sex while you no doubt are worrying about condom failure. After everything women go through having babies, and he won't even consider a vasectomy is very immature to say the least.

In my situation DH won't use condoms, I won't use the pill, coil or implants. Once our family is complete I will ask him to have the snip or have no sex. Why should he get to enjoy himself while I am left with the worry of another pregnancy? I would not consider female sterilisation as the risks are higher and I would very disappointed if he would be happy for me to take the higher risk.

Hello,
Don't have time to read all the thread so not sure if this has been mentioned already.
It may be worth considering being seen, as a couple, by a specialist Family Planning Clinic (eg Margaret Pyke in London). A Dr there, who works solely in family planning, will be able to go through all your options as a couple.
FWIW, I have a copper coil and my periods are no heavier than before, just a little longer - think you mentioned at one point that you were concerned re bleeding (don't know your medical background so don't know if you at an increased risk of bleeding). I know there is still the slight increased risk of ectopic. But you need to know that you are more at risk of having an ectopic now than with a IUCD in, actually. So, would recommend you see a family planing expert to discuss things fully.
Hope that helps.
PS - there is a small but significant percentage of men who do get chronic pain after a vasectomy and it is very hard to treat.

I also had a copper coil twice, once before, once after baby, and I didn't even notice it. No painful periods, no increased bleeding. The Nova-T model is slimline, easy to insert and remove (at least it has always been for me) and has served me well.

This however, it not to say that our DH is being reasonable. He's being VU. He should at least be informed and open to discussion.

My friend's DH had his snip last year.

Had his three month check - not clear.

Six month check - still not clear.

Vasectomy did not work and he has been given the option of 'exploratory surgery' sounds very grim. Even though the main tube was snipped the dr thinks he has other tributaries (sp) which are still delivering sperm. He is really upset and not sure what do to.

DW has offered to get sterilised as she thinks he's been through enough.

My DH had a vasectomy just after he turned 35 and our DD2 (but pregnancy 5) was 5 months old. I was 32 and we had our two, much wanted DDs but in a 6 month period before DD2 was conceived I had two miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy... the ectopic ruptured and I had to have emergency surgery.

I lost my right fallopian tube but the surgeons saved my life. My later miscarriage was from an egg that had been released from my right ovary. If the ovaries are still present then eggs can be fertilised and only a stump of the fallopian tube is needed.

Regardless of the outcome of the pregnancy that resulted in DD2 we'd decided that my DH would have a vasectomy - he was with me when we went to casualty and for much of the time whilst the ectopic was confirmed/I was waiting to be operated on and he said he never ever wanted to experience seing me in so much pain again. Having already had an ectopic there are a number of different forms of contraception that I can't use. The GP was incredibly supportive and understood why DH had come to discuss a vasectomy when DD2 was only a few weeks old.

The op itself was straightforward and he walked home afterwards (we do live near the hospital and I accompanied him). He was off work for a couple of days and the grogginess was due to him needing a general anaesthetic. Everything healed up quickly and all is fine!

I'm glad my DH suggested it and know that he did so out of his love and concern for me as he is ridiculously squeamish. Not everyone's the same though. It's a shame your DH won't consider it, I'd have found that very hard to comprehend.

A bit selfish to not explore the option at least but ultimately it is his body so his choice.

Although i think you need to have a good discussion and weigh all the options available to you and the potential benefits and consequences that could occur probably best to have this with a GP also.

When people have all options shown to them the best one becomes pretty obvious.

would have like the benefits of a snip but always considering the downside.

"other tributaries which are still delivering sperm" .... irresistible flow of young sperm finding a way

Well benefits as in not having anymore children which both have decided they do not want.