AIBU about wanting DH to have a vasectomy

[purpletrees]

Will try to be brief.

Married 10 yrs, have DS and DD, neither of us want any more children. We have discussed this at length and we are both quite certain, even in the scenerio we ended up divorced and with different partners - we are happy with DS and DD.

Both my pregnancies were 8 months of utter hell - complications, numerous hospital visits - DH has described my condition whilst pregnant as "something out of the exorcist". I was totally incapacitated both times and had to have full time care (provided on a live in basis by my mother and other family member doing as much as they could). Both my kids were delivered as borderline prems and DS had to have quite a few hospital visits as a baby. Kids now 4 and 2 with no lasting effects. I am back to health.

Due to the complications that I suffered, I can take no form of hormonal contraception whatsoever. We are currently using condoms and I would like DH to get a vasectomy because I am conerned about the long term reliability of condoms. I am only 32 and despite the problems I had in pregnancy, both DCs were conceived very easily so it is reasonable to believe that I am pretty fertile still. I think that if I had a sterlisiation myself (I would be prepared to undergo the operation, pain, recovery etc), the risk of me having an ectopic pregnancy is extremely worrying - I am a SAHM providing all care for the DCs whilst DH works very long hours. I think the solution is for DH to have a vasectomy, but he refuses to even discuss it saying that "he doesn't want his body messed with".

I know that's his right, but I just think it is extremely cruel for him not to consider it, not to investigate it at all just because he has made this statement. Given what I have gone through, I would have thought he could do this to protect my health. So...AIBU? I would not hesitate to protect him if the situation was reversed.

If I did become pregnant accidentally, I could not have a termination purely to prevent my own suffering. We could afford another DC and we could fit another DC in the house/car etc.

NO WAY NO DISCUSSION seems incredibly unfair.

Have you talked about what would happen if you were to fall pregnant? Or will he not talk about that either?

slushy yeah, but not all sex takes place inside a marriage with someone you trust.

if a nineteen year old was considering hitting the sack with a new bf who was promising her 'yeah, I've had it'...

we'll she'd be wise to be moee sure IMO

"if a nineteen year old was considering hitting the sack with a new bf who was promising her 'yeah, I've had it'...

we'll she'd be wise to be moee sure IMO"

Yes but she would be foolish to sleep with him on the woman's pill in that circumstance anyway, due to STD'S. None of the hormone contraceptives were supposed to be used in the circumstance you speak of.

All hormone contraceptive were meant for long term relationships so I don't understand what you are saying. Are you saying the male pill is no good because it can't be used in one nighters?

Even so it does give young men confidence and control I would advise my ds when he is older to use the pill along side condoms, much the same as young girls do now.

""contraceptive injections are never going to work, because the woman can't be sure that the man hasn't missed one.

a woman needs to be sure, so she either needs to manage the contraception herself, or have something she can see - a condom."

FGS not all men are fuckwits I would trust my dp to go for his injection. But hormonal contraception is not valid in non long term relationships because of std's."

totally agree slushy

contraception isn't only used by teens, it is used an awful lot by people in long term relationships. no reason why it would not be appropriate for the man to have contraceptive jab in that situation

"a woman needs to be sure, so she either needs to manage the contraception herself, or have something she can see - a condom."

This statement states that contraception is entirely the womans responsibility, as conception is not a problem for the man. what an utter load of tosh. If OP falls pg, or any woman, it is (usually) a matter for the man who made her pregnant as well If OP falls pg it is her OHs problem as well, it's not entirely a problem for the OP

Bizarre outdated attitude.

not that teens can't be in committed and responsible relationships and older people have one night stands but YKWIM

slushy yeah, I don't know much about male pills, but if they work and are safe I can imagine advising a DS to take it..

but at the same time I would always advise a my DD not to rely on her BF to be taking it.

so, no i am not saying it is no good. but I am just saying that if I was the female I'd want to take responsibility for being as sure as I could be about contraception.

Relying on someone else to be properly taking a pill they said they had wouldn't be sure enough for me.

(Even in a marriage/partnership I think it's a leap, frankly)

Does that mean that in all of your relationships ever, you have always used condoms, except when you wanted to conceive a child?

ISNTitFUNtoBEinDISGUISE
i'm not being outdated - I am being realistic.

Looks an analogy:

when my bicycle is serviced when I get it back I always check the brakes and the quick release levers on the wheels.

now morally (and legally even) it's the mechanic's job to check those things. Indeed I have just paid him to do exactly that.
Nevertheless, I'm the one who's going to be riding the bike downhill at 30mph, so I take responsibility myself and check them.

It's not that I don't trust him - it's jst that I have more skin in the game.

Same thing for contraception. If i was a girl I wouldn't want to rely on a male pill.

So you don't trust your dw?

I would trust dp (and my dp is very forgetful) all it takes is a quick check have you taken your pill today dear. much easier than me taking it. The only problem in this scenario is some partners may lie to have another but I trust my dp not to lie about having taken his pill. If he forgets condoms it is.

But why only if you were a girl?

Surely it is still responsible to check if you are a man because after all it is still a lot of responsibility being a dad.

You didn't answer my question though.

"Relying on someone else to be properly taking a pill they said they had wouldn't be sure enough for me. (Even in a marriage/partnership I think it's a leap, frankly) "

So you always use condoms unless you want to concieve? Even in long term relationships, as you can't trust the woman to be dealing with contraception, eevn if she says she is? Or you don't use condoms and if she isn't using contraception/it fails, it's entirely her problem?

it seems like a pretty unenlightened attitude to me.

I am not sure I appreciate your "riding a bike" analogy either.

contraceptive injection much easier you only have to have it every few months and really easy to remind/check. I'm sure DH would remind/check if I were having an implant or something and I would do the same for him.

"I am not sure I appreciate your "riding a bike" analogy either." ROFL

[shrugs] I am not even sure why this should be so controversial.

The situation is simply not symmetrical is it? the risks of being PG are not born equally.

Yes, it is the case that in a committed relationship the consequences of having another child are the same for both parties. So in those circs and you both want to be equally sure of contraception, and equally trusting of eachother.

But other risks are not equal

• some women face imppt health risks, where a pregnancy could be life threatening. they have more at stake than their partner (this is what i meant about being on bike rather than being the mechanic)

• for people having sex who are not in committed relationships, then a pregnant girl is MUCH more likely to find herself abandoned and left holding the baby, than a boy is. That may not be how it should be - but it is how it is. Even more prosaically, even when a couple with an unplanned pregnancy stick together, it's the girl who (for instance) misses out on the A-levels that she nees to go to uni. She has a lot more to lose.

If I was a girl I'd want to be as sure as possible, that's all I'm saying.

(isn't it fun - forgive me but I don't want to recount my personal contracpetive arrangements with every partner I have ever had... trust me you don't want to know!)

would you trust him to take a pill?

Malificence - I rarely disagree with you and to some extent I agree with some of what you are saying but you (and others) are being far to black and white on this issue.

In my earlier post I was not talking about men feeling 'a bit wobbly' about having the operation or suffering short term discomfort afterwards. I am talking about long term permanent pain that 10% - 30% of men suffer.

You and your husband have had a positive experience. Others have not. I strongly doubt you would be saying what you are saying if your husband was in long term continuous pain as some men are left with.

I willingly offered to have a vasectomy because of severe ill health my wife suffered. She absolutely forbid me to have the operation because she pointed out that all operations have risk. I was to be honest a bit put out about what she had said because I had no idea that vasectomy carried risk. The NHS website does not talk about it at all - it is presented an almost cosmetic operation. It was only later that I found out about the risks.

In hope in the case of the OP her DH will reconsider and have the operation but he needs to know the risk and it needs to be a willing decision.

Frankly, I think that it is despicable that some posters are suggesting bullying someone into a vasectomy by witholding sex. I suspect there would quite rightly be howls of abuse if a woman came on here saying her husband was witholding sex to force her to have say tubal ligation or a coil fitted.

The ridiculous 'men dont suffer the pain of childbirth so they must suffer a vasectomy' does not even need gracing with a comment.

Christ hopeforthebest.

stubbornhubby we are talking about people in committed long term relaitionships here, the OP is married with children. your argument is that in a committed couple the woman can a. not trust her DH b. should not expect him to do anything to assist her even if it means higher risks for her c. if conception does arise it is entirely her problem

it's an outdated and miserable attitude.

i know that if I were in the OPs position DH would happily consider a vasectomy, because he is a good man and he loves me.

"The ridiculous 'men dont suffer the pain of childbirth so they must suffer a vasectomy' does not even need gracing with a comment."

Show me the post where someone said that.

And why should a woman be forced to have sex with her husband even though the consequences for her might be untenable?

• on the contrary I think her husband should be having a vasectomy!

• in a committed relationship with a reliable, DH is the circumstances in which I would consider the male pill to be appropriate for avoiding another child

• but seriously if my LIFE QUITE POSSIBLY DEPENDED upon one or other of us remembering to take a pill.... well I'd certainly take the pill myself. Wouldn't you?

beenbeta the ops dh does not want a vasectomy=that is okay because it is his body

But the op does not feel safe using condoms and the risk of one falling and her getting pg would be more likely to be detrimental to her health than the op, also does not want the worry each month= equal bullying someone into a vasectomy by witholding sex.

In which case I could use the same argument for the DH by not having the vasectomy he is bullying the op into using a contraception she does not wish to.

But she can't take the pill

The options are

• No sex
• Condoms (the DH doesn't like condoms) and they have a failure rate of 1 in 100
• Vasectomy (DH says no way not even thinking about it)

So the OP has to have no sex, or risk pregnancy, because her DH will not even consider the idea of a vasectomy.

Stubbornhubby teenage girls are statistically more likely to tamper with contraception to get pg than boys.

OP - not a great situation to be in, I'm sorry.

You might find that he does come round to the idea if all he has to look forward to is either abstaining or condoms. In another six months or a year do you think he might change his mind?

Sounds like you have been through the mill with your problematic pregnancies.

Have you condsidered the copper coil (hormone free. Or Natural Family Planning (Billings method sympto-thermal) this is what I follow and it has suited us for the last two years and suits us for now. Only have to use condoms for 10 days out of 30 which I can live with. There is also the Persona system which works in a similar manner.

slushy - I have already said that I think OP's DH should have the operation. Clearly the risk to her of a pregnancy outweighs the risk to him of a vasectomy.

However, I also wanted to address the perception that is too often expressed on these threads vasectomy carries no risk at all. A significant number of men suffer long term pain that is under reported.

The hysterical assertion that men are just being 'wimps' if they express any kind of concern is way out of order.