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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about wanting DH to have a vasectomy

259 replies

purpletrees · 09/07/2010 09:29

Will try to be brief.

Married 10 yrs, have DS and DD, neither of us want any more children. We have discussed this at length and we are both quite certain, even in the scenerio we ended up divorced and with different partners - we are happy with DS and DD.

Both my pregnancies were 8 months of utter hell - complications, numerous hospital visits - DH has described my condition whilst pregnant as "something out of the exorcist". I was totally incapacitated both times and had to have full time care (provided on a live in basis by my mother and other family member doing as much as they could). Both my kids were delivered as borderline prems and DS had to have quite a few hospital visits as a baby. Kids now 4 and 2 with no lasting effects. I am back to health.

Due to the complications that I suffered, I can take no form of hormonal contraception whatsoever. We are currently using condoms and I would like DH to get a vasectomy because I am conerned about the long term reliability of condoms. I am only 32 and despite the problems I had in pregnancy, both DCs were conceived very easily so it is reasonable to believe that I am pretty fertile still. I think that if I had a sterlisiation myself (I would be prepared to undergo the operation, pain, recovery etc), the risk of me having an ectopic pregnancy is extremely worrying - I am a SAHM providing all care for the DCs whilst DH works very long hours. I think the solution is for DH to have a vasectomy, but he refuses to even discuss it saying that "he doesn't want his body messed with".

I know that's his right, but I just think it is extremely cruel for him not to consider it, not to investigate it at all just because he has made this statement. Given what I have gone through, I would have thought he could do this to protect my health. So...AIBU? I would not hesitate to protect him if the situation was reversed.

If I did become pregnant accidentally, I could not have a termination purely to prevent my own suffering. We could afford another DC and we could fit another DC in the house/car etc.

OP posts:
scaryteacher · 09/07/2010 17:01

Beenbeta - it's nice to have a man to have sex with, but not strictly necessary as there are other means available that don't make a mess and are always ready (depending on the battery power of course).The OP doesn't have to forgo everything at all.

I would however have been very had my dh refused even to discuss the possibility of a vasectomy when he knew the consequences of me having another child, both for the child and me.

bronze · 09/07/2010 17:35

The bit that sum it up for me

"Clearly the risk to her of a pregnancy outweighs the risk to him of a vasectomy."

and that a vasectomy is statistically an easier and less painful operation than having your tubes tied.

And yes as Beebeta says a small proportion of men suffer afterwards (its actually around 2%) but then I don't know the stats but I'm sure an equal if not higher proportion of women suffer ongoing pain and side effects.
No man has ever dies from a vasectomy. A few women die every year on the operating table.

Yet more women than men get themselves sterilised.

The risks for the op are higher than normal as someone said maybe its time he stepped up to the plate.

MumNWLondon · 09/07/2010 17:43

I have read most of the thread, and I still think it's his body and therefore his choice.

I think the OP needs to:

a) actually try out a copper IUD to see if the side effect materalise.

b) discuss with her doctor being sterilised, discuss ways of doing this to reduce risk of ectopic pregnancy

c) discuss with doctor whether its certain that all hormonal contraception for her is definately out

d) discuss with her DH possibly with a doctor whether any male hormonal contraception could work for them.

e) ruled out barrier methods - presumably she's worried about reliability

Once she has ruled out all of the above then maybe she might be reasonable to ask her DH to reconsider.

slushy · 09/07/2010 18:01

beenbeta I am aware that agree he should operate, I am not disputing that but you believe that the op has no right to not have intercourse, this I disagree with I believe every woman has the right (as the person who takes the risks of pg) to decide whether or not a contraception has to much risk for her to use.

The op has only one method open to her the condom the op has stated the risk is to high in her circumstances therefore IMO she is well within her right to not have sex as it is her taking the risk.

scaryteacher · 09/07/2010 18:02

MumNWLondon; If he doesn't want to be sterilised, and it is a 10 minute op, then why should she? It is far more dangerous for her, and can have long term effects.

She has already said that she can't have any hormonal contraception; she is worried about barrier methods; and all the rest of it.

If it's his body his choice, then I would be saying my body, my choice, no sex with dh, hallo vibrator, nil chance of pregnancy.

slushy · 09/07/2010 18:03

mumnlondon but the op does not want a coil or to be sterilized why should she have to re-consider it when her dp won't even consider a first time the vasectomy.

Or does "his body his choice" only apply to him.

sayithowitis · 09/07/2010 18:04

purpletrees, I have to take issue with your assertion that the cap/diaphragm is only used by women much older and therefore less fertile than you. DH and I have used thgis all our married life, around 30 years now and have two, totally planned, DCs. I became pregnant with each in first month of trying, so presumable there was no doubt about the level of fertility. We have never had an 'accident' whilst using the cap.

FWIW,I had horrendous pregnancies, including several miscarried ones. Was in hospital for almost half the entire time with each. On drips etc. But, despite this, I think it is wrong to force him into having a vasectomy. It is not as though he is refusing to use contraception. He is willing to use condoms, even though he would prefer not to. He is not trying to force you into having an op and you should not try to force him into it either.

minipie · 09/07/2010 18:06

Ultimately:

  • if she's not willing to have the op
  • and he's not willing to have the op
  • and no other form of contraception is suitable/totally reliable
  • and pregnancy would be a disaster for all

then they'd better just not have sex.

OP: have you asked your DH what his proposed solution is? Or is he happy with taking the risk with condoms.

slushy · 09/07/2010 18:08

I have to admit I am 22 and have used the diaphragm and spermicide for 4years ds was caught on one snapped condom.
DD first month of trying. I find the diaphragm sufficient for me but if you are not happy with the safety rate then I don't think anyone should force you to use it.

pamelat · 09/07/2010 18:21

not unreasonable. I want my DH too and am getting similar response. We have 7 week old and am in the ever again stage though

yes they can say its their body etc but how selfish - look what you have been though with yours!!

expatinscotland · 09/07/2010 18:48

'I still think it's his body and therefore his choice.

I think the OP needs to:

a) actually try out a copper IUD to see if the side effect materalise.

b) discuss with her doctor being sterilised, discuss ways of doing this to reduce risk of ectopic pregnancy

c) discuss with doctor whether its certain that all hormonal contraception for her is definately out'

So, his body, her choice, he doesn't need to consider any other options. Her body, she needs to consider three options she doesn't want?

She doesn't want a coil. She cannot use hormones. The OP to sterilise a female is serious, major surgery (and from the sounds of it, he's not going to give her ample time to recover from it before sticking her with the kids).

Her body, her choice, too.

It works both ways.

slushy · 09/07/2010 19:17

I also would not want a copper coil because of the fact that it does not always stop sperm reaching the egg but stops a fertilized egg from implanting.

Nothing against those that do but personally would not feel comfortable with this.

Weegle · 09/07/2010 19:43

I am in a very similar position to the OP. Same age. 3 DC and sure we don't want anymore. Another pregnancy would likely leave me incapacitated for life. We had a pregnancy scare shortly after the twins (DC2 & 3) were born and I was torn apart (as frankly DH) at the thought that we were risking my health (in a huge way) or contemplating a termination - rock and hard place in an awful way. DH, without hesitation (but full knowledge of the procedure and risks etc) sees it as his RESPONSIBILITY and his DUTY out of love for me, and our family, to have a vasectomy. He's seen me suffer a total of 18 months incapacitated, and will suffer for life because of pregnancy - he sees the vasectomy as a tiny token that he can do to 'do his part'. And frankly - despite being incredibly grateful, I think it's what any loving long term partner in situations like the OP's (or mine) should do. And you know what - DH is not ashamed he's having it - he's told a lot of people - always prefaced with "with what Weegle's been through, it's the only responsible and loving thing to do"... and he has serious kudos from everyone he's mentioned it to so far.

Bernieishoneydragonsnemisis · 09/07/2010 19:55

Agree with assertations on the cap, as my gp says the failure rate is often due to it staying on the bathroom shelf . If used properly it is rather good and very effective.

diggingintheribs · 09/07/2010 19:55

The issue here isn't about whether or not he wants it. It is the fact he is not willing to discuss it.

Yes it's his body, but in a loving relationship you discuss things.

Comparing t to the abortion debate, you would also expect a woman in a loving relationship to discuss it with her partner even if it is her body.

Ultimately he needs to make the final decision but this needs to be an informed decision.

I discussed this with dh recently as I would like to stop at 2 kids. He said he didn't feel comfortable as he might want more kids with someone else if we divorced or I died!! Couldn't fault him for honesty! he did say once he passed 40 he would reconsider though!!

Fabster · 09/07/2010 19:57

YANBU.

My DH had the snip as another pregnancy was very risky for me. I wanted another baby but he didn't.

slushy · 09/07/2010 19:58

diggingintheribs in your circumstance could your dh not freeze some? or would that not be the same.

diggingintheribs · 09/07/2010 20:08

slushy - I don't have any health issues with pregnancy and am happy to try other methods of contraception so not worth the expense!

I hope he doesn't see divorce/death as likely! I think he just wants to keep his hypothetical options open!!!

If we were in the OP's position I would have pushed it a lot more discussion wise and I would hope dh would take the decision more seriously as the risky pregnancies are a huge worry.

slushy · 09/07/2010 20:21

If you are both happy then that is great .

mathanxiety · 09/07/2010 21:00

Cross your legs and tell him it's your body too, in that case..

You have a wuss on your hands.

SolidGoldBrass · 09/07/2010 21:08

Yes, OP, what is his solution to the problem? I can't remember (and can't face rereading whole thread) whether he is happy with condoms or whether he doesn't fancy those either. But if he doesn't like condoms then I really, really wonder what he expects you to do. Just not get PG by the Power of Prayer or someting?

(FWIW condoms PLUS diaphragm PLUS spermicide is a pretty effective combo with no hormones nor sharp hurty things in sight).

PotPourri · 09/07/2010 21:12

Get down to the gp or the family planning clinic with him to go through the options. GP gave me a really good lraflet with all the options. Yes it's his body so he needs to properly understand why this is the only sensible option.

however, that aside, i really do think he is being crap yanbu. But to movr it forward he really does need to decide it for himself

expatinscotland · 09/07/2010 21:25

Go to any FPC and they'll immediately try to shove a coil up you, OP.

SirBoobAlot · 09/07/2010 21:25

I think he is BVU to not even consider it. TBH, with all your health considerations, it seems like the only logical conclusion, really. Think you really need to sit down and discuss it in depth.

Hope you come to a solution that works for you both.

backtotalkaboutthis · 09/07/2010 22:29

Why do you even want to have sex with such a selfish git?

er yanbu of course, tis nuts to throw the responsibility back to you

his choice, yes: he's choosing to be an arse