Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that women with more than two children are better mothers?

153 replies

kitpuss · 08/07/2010 11:13

I think know the answer to this really but am so tortured about this I could do with some help to put this issue to bed.

I have 2 children, and keep torturing myself about whether to have a third.

I like the idea of three, but find two really hard work and think that three would just be too much for me to cope with.

But then I think about all those people who have more than two, and think they must be better mothers than me if they can contemplate having more, and that they must love their children more to think that having more is worth all the potential stress.

Does that make any sense? I am making myself totally miserable with this, thinking that because I don't want another I must not be as good a mother as all those who did go on to have more than two. I start thinking that if I was a better mother of course I would have another because all the stressful things about having children would be outweighed by the joy that they bring.

I know I am a good mother really but I keep making these ridiculous comparisons that are just making me feel permanently down, and I know I am stopping myself enjoying this time when my children are small.

OP posts:
AvengingGerbil · 08/07/2010 11:14

I have one. I am a perfectly adequate mother. Love is not computable by how many you have.

CompyCod · 08/07/2010 11:14

oh fgs have a nother one.
stop overthinking

JaxTellersOldLady · 08/07/2010 11:17

I have 2 DC and am a great Mum. Love doesnt = number of children!

I have a family member with 4 DC - she is also a good mum, but totally disorganised and it drives me insane, so more doesnt mean better.

MumInBeds · 08/07/2010 11:17

Have as many children as you feel you want and can afford (in terms of both money and time) and don't feel any need to compare yourself with anyone else.

jeee · 08/07/2010 11:18

I've got four, which clearly makes me a fabulous mother .

Morloth · 08/07/2010 11:18

I am an excellent mother to 2 and believe I would be a crap mother to 3.

ZacharyQuack · 08/07/2010 11:19

We all think we're crap mothers at times, regardless of how many children we have.

If your theory was right, it would be a case of "she who has the most kids, wins"

This is not about numbers of kids, it's about your self-esteem.

Callisto · 08/07/2010 11:20

I think you're being hugely unreasonable to think that the more children someone has the better they are at being a mother.

Personally I think I'm a better mother because I only have one child and therefore can dedicate more time and money to my DD and have time for my husband and myself without being a frazzled wreck at the end of every day.

If you don't think you can cope with 3 stick to 2. It isn't a breeding competition.

colditz · 08/07/2010 11:21

I don't think the stressful things about having children IS always outweighed by the joy they bring.

For example, the first child brings a lot of joy and a bit of stress. The second child brings a lot of joy but the stress from the last on is already there, so they add to the stress.

Once you can see that your one beloved child is no longer alone in the world and has a sibling, each subsequent child is going to bring with it the same amount of joy but increasingly greater strain on your time, energy, and resources.

bumpybecky · 08/07/2010 11:22

YABU

the number of children you have does not equate to how good a parent you are.

I'd prefer to be a mother of one child that is well looked after and has as much attention as needed than to be a mother of 6 who is totally disorganised and can't cope with her children.

I've got 4 and although I'd love another baby I know I couldn't cope with another child.

TheFoosa · 08/07/2010 11:22

my mother had 5 and was quite frankly rubbish

I have one and am a fabulous mother

goobledygook · 08/07/2010 11:24

I totally get what you mean!
I always thought I would have three. Three kids to me = great Mum, a 'proper' Mother. I have no idea why and it is totally ridiculous. Two is easy and therefore is you have three you must be a good Mother? I don't know why I have this idea in my head, but I do.

Anyway, I have two and now realise that we as a family and as parents are not cut out for three.

It has been hard realising I am not the Mother I thought I would be.

But I want to keep our family as it should be rather than add a third because of an idea I have in my head.

becstarlitsea · 08/07/2010 11:24

Two separate issues:-

If you feel insecure about your mothering with 2 kids, having a third won't fix it.

If you want a third child, can afford one, your partner wants one, and there are no medical barriers, have one.

Mingg · 08/07/2010 11:25

Yes, Y absolutely ABU

BettyTurnip · 08/07/2010 11:27

I am a mother of three and I'm sometimes great, sometimes crap. Was the same when I had two, funnily enough. Stop toturing yourself, enjoy the ones you've got!

Tryharder · 08/07/2010 11:29

Doesn't Karen Matthews have about 7 or 8 children? I am also fairly certain that Baby P's mother has a fair few?

There you go....

majafa · 08/07/2010 11:29

As Bumpybecky says
the number of children you have does not equate to how good a paent you are.
Load of old rubbish IMO
I am friends with 3 parents who have 3 or more and to be honest dont appear to have any parenting skills whatsoever.

AliGrylls · 08/07/2010 11:30

Of course you are a good mother. I personally don't think having a third child is a decision to be made lightly and most people don't do it. The fact you are thinking about it and doing a benefit analysis means you are a good mother.

gobsmackedetal · 08/07/2010 11:31

Well, I wouldn't say that they're better mothers, but there are definitely women who are more "maternal" others. Women who are or wish they could be SAHMs and love it despite finding it difficult/boring/whatever, they feel is the right thing for them and their children. I am personally a better mother because I am away from my children 30 hours a week.

I often think that I would love another little baby. But just the idea of the magic of a newborn, not the reality of bringing up another child, paying it all the attention it needs. If you feel you're a good mum enough mum to your two, don't duel on it. I'm sticking to two because I'm a good mum and I know I wouldn't cope as well with another one (high probability for twins as well).

PS: I'm only talking about mothers here because that was the OP, but I think exactly the same about dads

PS2: some children are easier than others and that often determines the number of children and the age gaps between them in a family

Sithmummy · 08/07/2010 11:32

The dynamics of three are more stressful. Any 2 of mine together are fine, add the third and something is bound to kick off. Perhaps that's because they are quite close in age?

I'm one of 6 though and my mum always said that it doesn't get harder, just louder!

gobsmackedetal · 08/07/2010 11:33
  • than others
Chil1234 · 08/07/2010 11:34

YABU because I don't think it's always a conscious decision how many children someone has, either. Some don't start out planning a big family but they just get on with it anyway. Others would like more children but can't have them for various reasons. Children tend to need less looking-after as they get older and I was personally quite pleased to see the back of the baby stage. Other people find the house feels empty if there's not a baby in it.

So try not to think too much about what other people do and instead go with what makes you feel happy instead. If you find children 'stressful' maybe try some different approaches.

becstarlitsea · 08/07/2010 11:34

Sorry to come back, but have to let off steam on this subject - having one child I am often told (esp by my mother who had three) 'oh it's alright for you, you've only got one' or 'well, I had to do it all for THREE'.

I tend to hear this as a mixture of smug 'I had a better set of ovaries than you nyah nyah ner nyah nyah' and 'oh poor me, I chose to have three children and had more work to do as a result.' And it gets right on my tits, and does sound a bit like 'I'm a better mother than you'.

Especially as it often comes from other mothers if they've forgotten something/their kid is misbehaving. so when they say 'oh, is it PE today? It's alright for you, you've only got one to remember for' I hear 'You might have remembered your son's PE kit but I'm still a better mother than you because I've got THREE'.

veritythebrave · 08/07/2010 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clemetteattlee · 08/07/2010 11:35

I used to want four. I have two. It took a great deal of persuasion from DH to even have a second. Even with two I sometimes get to end of the day and think "have I actually spoken to X properly today?". I would be a MUCH worse mother if I had to fit another one in!