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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that women with more than two children are better mothers?

153 replies

kitpuss · 08/07/2010 11:13

I think know the answer to this really but am so tortured about this I could do with some help to put this issue to bed.

I have 2 children, and keep torturing myself about whether to have a third.

I like the idea of three, but find two really hard work and think that three would just be too much for me to cope with.

But then I think about all those people who have more than two, and think they must be better mothers than me if they can contemplate having more, and that they must love their children more to think that having more is worth all the potential stress.

Does that make any sense? I am making myself totally miserable with this, thinking that because I don't want another I must not be as good a mother as all those who did go on to have more than two. I start thinking that if I was a better mother of course I would have another because all the stressful things about having children would be outweighed by the joy that they bring.

I know I am a good mother really but I keep making these ridiculous comparisons that are just making me feel permanently down, and I know I am stopping myself enjoying this time when my children are small.

OP posts:

cory · 08/07/2010 11:36

Some mothers are better with more children, others are better with fewer. And most are probably more or less them same people we would be give or take another child.

Only reason to have another child is if you want another child. If you don't, then that's fine.

CompyCod · 08/07/2010 11:37

oh god and mnhq have tweeted this dull dull thread

FromTheAsh · 08/07/2010 11:38

maybe on this planet chocking with humans and diminishing resources it's irresponsible to keep having children becuase yo think it'll make you agood mum..

FromTheAsh · 08/07/2010 11:39

choking sorry!

shimmerysilverglitter · 08/07/2010 11:40

If someone else said that Cod they would get a massive lecture.

Frankly I can't be arsed but you are not very nice sometimes, yet you always get away with it. Doesn't all the arselicking get on your nerves sometimes? Witnessing it sure does I can tell you.

NicknameTaken · 08/07/2010 11:40

You don't really want another one, do you? You just think you should want another one.

Don't do it. How would it make you a better mother? You'd just have less time, money and attention to lavish on the two you have.

CompyCod · 08/07/2010 11:41

tulipgrower · 08/07/2010 11:46

I was hoping you'd have some scientific proof 3 is better than 2. I think 4 is perfect, but I started too late for that, 3 would be do-able, but DH says we're done once no.2 gets here. Not that I think any number will make me or anyone else a better or worse mother.

(Mind you our DS (23mo) is the super easy version of a kid -> always happy, eats well, sleeps well, grows according to the official charts, maybe when no.2 gets here we might have a serious reality check, and decide 1 was best. )

Pattenberger · 08/07/2010 11:48

Of course you're being unreasonable! How can the number of children you have be indicative of your mothering ability? Often there isn't much choice involved when it comes to how many children someone has.

Me and dh were both one of three, and I wouldn't call either mil or my mum better mothers than I have been so far.

I do sometimes find myself thinking I should have a third, as two seems so dull and unadventurous. And then I realise how absurd that actually is and what a ridiculous reason that is to have another child! It really isn't a competition.

CompyCod · 08/07/2010 11:49

that my point pattenburger
what a stupid question
of course the numbe rof kids haS NO BEARING on your parenting.

think of shannon matthews fgs

CompyCod · 08/07/2010 11:49

( two is dull though - three is nicely chaotic)

runnybottom · 08/07/2010 11:50

I've got 3. I'm shite.

Plus having more children may only be indicitive of your contraceptive ability. Not me though

Pattenberger · 08/07/2010 11:52

Rosemary West, anyone?

suitejudyblue · 08/07/2010 11:55

Obviously there's no link between the two but I don't agree that those with more children are more maternal.

I have 4 and am not maternal at all but I am more practical and organised than others and that makes me, if not better, a very satisfactory mother.

Its not a competition and I'm sure we are all the best we can be.

toffeecupcake · 08/07/2010 11:56

I only have 1 and am a really good mum (most of the time), my mum had 5 and she was a good mum, the number you have doesnt come into it, its whats right for you and your family.

Mishy1234 · 08/07/2010 11:57

I also think that going from 1 to 2 is a huge shock to the system (for me anyway!). I've heard the same from friends who have also said that going from 2 to 3 isn't nearly as bad.

Might be something to consider? Also, agree with others that if you can afford to have a 3rd, go for it!

StealthPolarBear · 08/07/2010 11:58

I do know what you mean OP
I wanted two children, I have two. Although I was warned not to wish their lives away I am sorry to say I am wishing the next 6 months away until life gets a bit easier.
I would love to be pg, give birth, and have the first 6 weeks again - looking back with the rose tinted spectacles I think it was lovely. My DC are lovely and I am under no illusion that they are particularly difficult for their ages, they are just typical. I could not do THIS again. And yet there are people I know who have had just as hard a time as me re sleeping etc, have much less help than I do and yet are thikning about a third. So they must think a third baby would be worth it, or that they can cope with the difficulties. I couldn't - well I'm sure I would but ykwim

LadyintheRadiator · 08/07/2010 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DuelingFanjo · 08/07/2010 12:00

I will probably only be able to have one.
I am one of 3.

My mum is brilliant.

Nuff said.

MarthaQuest · 08/07/2010 12:05

I'm an OK mother to my 2 dcs. my sister who has 3, franly struggles.

systemsaddict · 08/07/2010 12:13

oh kitpuss hugs - I have 2, quite close together, and know that 3 would be disastrous for us. And that's OK. I'm not great with babies, mess, lack of sleep, being pulled in two directions at once, juggling. Some people thrive on small children and love to have loads running round and ride the chaos with a smile. I don't. That doesn't make me a bad mother or a bad human being. Or you either. If you want a third, have a third, but because you think it's right for you and your family, not because you need to win the best-mother competition.

ReneRusso · 08/07/2010 12:14

becstarlitsea - you sound a bit paranoid really. They are probably just wishing they only had one to cope with.

(btw I've got three and I'm fairly useless)

OP, fgs have another you're over thinking it.

CompyCod · 08/07/2010 12:18

rofl at lady in radiator

pooka · 08/07/2010 12:20

I have three. WOuldn't say for a moment that I am a better mother than friends with 2 or 1.

Agree that you are overthinking it.

For me having 3 was always what I wanted because I'm one of 3, as is DH and I suppose that was my model of a family. Maybe one could argue that I would have been a better mother in terms of the interests of my older two, to have not had ds2. Or maybe he'll enrich their lives when he stops ruining interfering with their things. He's a star though ;)

goobledygook · 08/07/2010 12:21

I think it's just about the idea of what kind of a mother you thought you would be and what kind of family you thought you would have and then the reality is different.
Nothing wrong with that. And, I think it takes a bit of getting used to; reality v's fantasy.

I think it's a bit unfair to say OP has issues she needs to address.

And I totally agree. 2 is dull and 3 is chaotic. I thought I wanted 3, I still do really, but I know I can only cope with 2.

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