To think that women with more than two children are better mothers?

[kitpuss]

I think know the answer to this really but am so tortured about this I could do with some help to put this issue to bed.

I have 2 children, and keep torturing myself about whether to have a third.

I like the idea of three, but find two really hard work and think that three would just be too much for me to cope with.

But then I think about all those people who have more than two, and think they must be better mothers than me if they can contemplate having more, and that they must love their children more to think that having more is worth all the potential stress.

Does that make any sense? I am making myself totally miserable with this, thinking that because I don't want another I must not be as good a mother as all those who did go on to have more than two. I start thinking that if I was a better mother of course I would have another because all the stressful things about having children would be outweighed by the joy that they bring.

I know I am a good mother really but I keep making these ridiculous comparisons that are just making me feel permanently down, and I know I am stopping myself enjoying this time when my children are small.

I'm so relieved to hear you voice this concern. It's exactly how I feel.

I worry that I find my two so much hard work I couldn't possibly cope with another. And this little voice says.... "Mum did it, your neighbour does it and loves it, your friends X and Y do it...."

I always thought I'd be this naturally caring, chilled out mum who had squillions of immaculate children. I'm more often than not screaming at them as I drag them out of the house in the morning completely covered in breakfast/toothpaste because the Thought, the Merest Thought of getting them dressed all over again when it was such a mission of wheedling to get them dressed, fed, toileted etc before schoool gives me palpitations.

So whether you're BU or not, you're not alone!

kitpuss
I think you are assuming a lot of things about other families
It is easy to look at others and assume they find everything simple and don't share your feeling, anxieties and concerns.

But lots of things impact how good a parent you are. The number ofchildren is probably a factor for some but loads of things are.

have a child when you want to. If you don't want to, then don't try and make yourself.
If you have another child and struggle then you will feel even worse.

We are all racked at times by feelings of failure or inadequacy. Confidence and practice usually help. The mothers you see who have three and appear more capeable than you just have had more practice.
As others have said you are over thinking it.

But if you feel you are not coping as well as you would like, then adding another child into the mix is very far from sensible isn't it?

I'm sorry but Op is a twit. what a load of rubbish. this is what you call logic ? and its helping to make a decision on whether you stop at 2 or have a third.
god woman , you are mad.

'as I drag them out of the house in the morning completely covered in breakfast/toothpaste

Maybe that's the key?

When i drag them out coverd in said subtsances I feelm wuite proud of the evidence that I did, indeed, feed them and get them to brush their teeth

Different mindsets LOL

OP admitted a few pages back that she was having a bad day and thought her post did sound a bit pathetc in hindsight

I would think you are a better mother to one than two. And a better mother to two than three. I am a mother of 3.

I think it has to be easier to be a good mother to one as your focus is always on that one. keeping all the balls in the air for three is obviously harder.

But experience is a wonderful thing.

Just do what ever makes you happy.

YABU. my SIL has five kids and she is by all measures a wonderful mother, but her enthusiasm and involvement is definitely less by now for the little ones and the older ones help out with them loads.

redblue you are absolutely right, if anything children's needs grow with them, but physically it's easier when they are at school if that makes sense. I read posts about people with a toddler and a newborn and remember those days with horror I didn't parent anyone I simply survived.
Pace yourself I guess was the point of my post.

The number of children you have does not determine how much you love them.

just read your op... and have to say
what a stupid thing to say. goodness

has anyone mentioned the duggars yet?

of course, she must be a much better person than i am, let's not think about the environmental impact that that family will have.

yabu, stop getting yourself tied in knots & work out where you get this ridiculous notion from.

OP shouldn't have posted in AIBU but I think she is getting a pretty hard pasting when the nub of her AIBU is to do with her concerns about her parenting.

She may have been a twit. But I believe that she has already admitted she knows she is being silly.
And I quite like twits. Quite a few of you have been bigger ones I think. I know I have.

Her title was badly worded and implied that mothers of one or two children are not good parents.

I agree pag. I am a twit too. Fortunately never exposed myself on AIBU though

SMA - see, that's just what I mean! I am very bad at coping with Stuff. And kids are yet more Stuff! Not to mention the Stuff they come with. I just feel so sad that I won't have another baby, sometimes I think I should just get myself one. Then I realise it'll only go and turn into another challenging little individual and.... AAAARGH!

Yes it was. And I believe she has admitted that.

I'm feeling the urge to type word of support for the OP in capitals for those who HAVE NOT READ THE THREAD

sorry

Thanks Jamie! And Pagwatch too, it is good to know there are some lovely mumsnetters out there who can see through sometimes rubbishly worded titles and posts and manage to work out the meaning. (And actually read the thread!)

To be honest I am astounded at the number of posts on this thread - obviously the way to get yourself noticed on MN is to write a bad title.

actually kitpuss, try and avoid AIBU if it is anything personal or emotional.

It attracts robust comments.

And it is, after all, a really really bad title

I have three kids and another due later in the year.

I'm rubbish sometimes, sometimes I'm better than rubbish.

The biggest shock for me was from 1 to 2, number 3 wasn't nearly as much of a problem - he sort of just had to fit in.

I think you just get used to the chaos and mayhem.

I still live in hope that I'll work out how to become organised.

You are way overthinking this and have frankly lost the plot if you think how good you are as a mother is related to how many children you have.

Agree with LuluF - 1 to 2 was big shock ... you never have any time to do anythign!

I know people with 4, 5 and 6 and all are wonderful serene mothers. Some of those I know with 3 never stop moaning about how much harder having 3 is and those with only 2 have got it so easy. (obviously I know not all mums of 3 are like this).

Personally I think whether you are a good parent depends on - well - whether you are a good parent to how ever many children you've got. I've got 2 and at sometimes think what it'd be like to have more (I used to think about 4), but I also know I am just holding life together with 2!!

You might be right because I am beaten with two. I certainly couldn't cope with a third.