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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that women with more than two children are better mothers?

153 replies

kitpuss · 08/07/2010 11:13

I think know the answer to this really but am so tortured about this I could do with some help to put this issue to bed.

I have 2 children, and keep torturing myself about whether to have a third.

I like the idea of three, but find two really hard work and think that three would just be too much for me to cope with.

But then I think about all those people who have more than two, and think they must be better mothers than me if they can contemplate having more, and that they must love their children more to think that having more is worth all the potential stress.

Does that make any sense? I am making myself totally miserable with this, thinking that because I don't want another I must not be as good a mother as all those who did go on to have more than two. I start thinking that if I was a better mother of course I would have another because all the stressful things about having children would be outweighed by the joy that they bring.

I know I am a good mother really but I keep making these ridiculous comparisons that are just making me feel permanently down, and I know I am stopping myself enjoying this time when my children are small.

OP posts:
drosophila · 08/07/2010 13:25

I have 3 but no 3 was very very unexpeced. I was 41. I know many people who found themselves pg with no 3 because of failed contraception or a lazy attitude to contraception. In fact I think I only know 1 mum who planned no 3. I only know this as I was very honest and told everyone about my shock. So many said that they had found themselves equally shocked when they found themselves pg.

firsttimemum77 · 08/07/2010 13:26

Quality, not quantity...

I have one and I am a fantastic mother - even if I do say so myself!

Jamieandhismagictorch · 08/07/2010 13:29

I have 2 , and they are older. I think that the people who have more than 2 are better able to cope with the early bit, maybe because they see past the sleep-deprivation and the tantrums to the longer term, when they will have 3 children, or they are a bit more comfortable with noise and chaos, or they LOVE babies 9I do love babies but I could not eat a whole one).

I do understand what you are getting at - you think if you were a better mother you would let things get you down. Well I think I'm a good-enough mum but I could not have coped with 3 young ones. I probably could do it now, but I don't have much of an urge and am eager to move on to the next bit of parenting - pre-teen and teens

ledodgy · 08/07/2010 13:29

You sound quite depressed Kitpuss. It is such hard work when you're children are young and extremely easy to get bogged down with it all and alot of the time the stress and mundanity of it all can seem to outweigh the good.

Maybe talking to a dr about how you are feeling may help if you're feeling down alot of the time as you say.

You are not a failure because you only want two children.

ledodgy · 08/07/2010 13:30

*your not you're.

proudnsad · 08/07/2010 13:31

I am an absolutely shite mother of 2. If I had 3 I'd be AMAZING.

This is not really a big problem is it?

Jamieandhismagictorch · 08/07/2010 13:31

yes, I agree ledodgy - I also found the early bit hard, as mentioned. Maybe talk to your GP, have some counselling, or take steps to get more time to yourself. There's no shame in it.

gramercy · 08/07/2010 13:49

(answering hijack!)

Yes - dh's car is a gas guzzler and (as per my latest thread!) dh and I worked out that his journeys to elderly pil are costing a bomb.

(hijack over!)

suitejudyblue · 08/07/2010 13:54

Thanks gramercy I will go and stalk you on the other thread

ShinyAndNew · 08/07/2010 13:56

My sister has three children. I have two. I have always thought she was a better mother than me. She is so organised and in control and her children are always well behaved. I recently learnt that she thinks I am a better mother and cope better than her because I am more laid back and my children are more independent. Plus my house, while it is always chaotic and mad, is always fun with people coming and going and a constant stream of various children and adults for my two to interact with. She would get to stressed about the mess to cope with that. Me, I don't care about mess.

As parents we all have good and bad points. I could keep a cleaner house and my children could be better behaved. My sister could relax and let go a bit more.

The mothers you are looking at and wishing you could be more like, could just be thinking the same about you

If you want another child, go for it.

Spacehopper5 · 08/07/2010 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Jamieandhismagictorch · 08/07/2010 14:16

spacehopper - read between the lines....

Rollmops · 08/07/2010 14:27

Stop over analysing and enjoy your children.
Don't want to become shrink-fodder now, do we....

mamatomany · 08/07/2010 14:34

Do not under estimate how hard the first 5 years are, it gets so much easier once at least one of them is in school.
If I could have my time again i'd have had two close together, a 5 year gap then another 2 close together and by close i mean three years.
Oh for the perfect family, isn't hindsight wonderful.

MollieO · 08/07/2010 14:36

I am a fab mother of one. So fab in fact that I have to limit my contact with ds to mornings and evenngs only to ensure that my fabulousness doesn't get too diluted .

TheCoalitionNeedsYou · 08/07/2010 14:37

It's not a competition.

Mumcentreplus · 08/07/2010 14:54

I have 2 children and I'm very very happy that I only have 2...I mean all the special offer deals are for a family of 4! plus I'm already nuts with 2 I would be certified insane with 3..

But seriously...be realistic do you want another child or do you think you should want another child...I knew I wanted more one and two is nice..

I come from a 3 and sometimes 1 of you does gets pushed out, at times I felt like an only child ( didn't really bother me tbh) although we were only 18mths apart...

Think about what you want and stop comparing yourself with others...nothing wrong with knowing your limitations, makes total sense to me!

redblue · 08/07/2010 14:58

mamatomany I totally understand the wish to have two sets of two. I have two under 2 years and although I am in the thick of it and sleep deprived part of me knows that my pregnancy / newborn days are (or are about to be) over and sometimes I feel relieved but I also feel sad about it in advance!! that I will not have my own newborn again.
But I am the oldest of 4, my mum had myself and my sister (16 months apart) then a 6 year gap then 2 more. Love my two sisters and brother so much but I can honestly say that I think she did it for exactly the reason mentioned namely a lot of mums think things get a lot easier once they are (i.e. i was) at school so want a newborn round the place again. Troule is that children (and I am talking about myself here) don't stop needing parenting (or manage on a lot lot less parenting) once they are at school. Only my own experience I know, but the way it ended up, my mum focussed all her efforts on the youngest two and my sister and I effectively left home and have little or no contact with my parents now and I do think that was because she over estimated how independent we were aged 7 and 9 when my youngest brother and sister were born. What I am trying to say is that parenting does not end when your children go to school (not that I am suggesting you are saying that).

Hulababy · 08/07/2010 14:59

I only have the one child.

Does the fact that I have secondary infertility make me a bad mum?

If you want another child, have one. If you don't, then don't Stop overthinking things.

There are good mums with one child and good mums with numerous children. likewise for poor mums.

And dads too for that matter.

greygirl · 08/07/2010 15:04

i have 3 kids and i was a better mother with 1. i am more diluted, and have less spare capacity for the kids. now they don't have a parent each, and if everyone wants to sit by mommy at the table it's just chaos. i need to be triangular!

Original poster
kitpuss · 08/07/2010 15:41

Thanks everyone, some lovely messages.

I especially appreciate those who think I am talking nonsense but take the time to say it in a nice considerate way, rather than being unnecessarily blunt and horrible.

I know that my main point is just ridiculous, but it is hard to get rid of such ridiculous thoughts when when they go round in my head in a loop.

Your posts have really helped me get some perspective, so thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
kitpuss · 08/07/2010 15:42

A couple of people asked - my children are both preschool, hopefully things will get better as they get older!

OP posts:
FindingMyMojo · 08/07/2010 16:06

"Better mothers" FFS - did you really mean to ask that?

SanctiMoanyArse · 08/07/2010 16:16

TBH, I don't find 3 harder than 1; there's more grunt at bedtimes etc but that's balanced by coffee time when they play togetehr (mine havd asd so use ther term loosely but....ykwim)

4 otoh for me was a full stop becuase I reached the end of my laundry capacity (as well as the bedrtoom capacity LOL but for soem reason it was the laundry basket that caused the epiphany)

You can't loook at how other people do it and extraopolate and yays or nays for yourself, your heart will grow to fit the size of your brrod but your patience / energy / house / car may not.

And even when people are good for 3, 4 or more age differences and set ups avry enormously. Four is easier than 2 was becuase I am at home (mostly). It's all different for everybody and there's no 'better mother' because if you do your best by them then that's OK. Same as if you didn't have any kids at all, personal decision.

But BF up until 3 years is gine whoever it was said that LOL

Pattenberger · 08/07/2010 16:22

I hope I wasn't too blunt earlier. I know that if my life was different in some ways, I would love to have more than two. I enjoyed the excitement of pregnancy, and I love having a newborn. The thought of not having those experiences again can make me quite sad.

At this point in my life, due to circumstances, it would difficult to have another child. I know others manage it, I know that the sleeplessness and endless feeding etc doesn't really last that long and I think I can't imagine regretting having another child, whereas I might regret not having another. I sometimes look at my 2.4 family and as I said earlier think "oh how safe" (as I said earlier, I know that's silly)

But I know in my heart that now is not the time for me. Maybe one day the time will be right again. I have a big gap between the two I have, so I know that big gaps are not the end of the world when it comes to having children. I count myself lucky to have the two I do have.

You could go ahead and have another, and you would probably cope fine, as people do, but if you feel it would be too much for you at this time, it really isn't a reflection on your skills as a mother or your love for your children.