To think that women with more than two children are better mothers?

[kitpuss]

I think know the answer to this really but am so tortured about this I could do with some help to put this issue to bed.

I have 2 children, and keep torturing myself about whether to have a third.

I like the idea of three, but find two really hard work and think that three would just be too much for me to cope with.

But then I think about all those people who have more than two, and think they must be better mothers than me if they can contemplate having more, and that they must love their children more to think that having more is worth all the potential stress.

Does that make any sense? I am making myself totally miserable with this, thinking that because I don't want another I must not be as good a mother as all those who did go on to have more than two. I start thinking that if I was a better mother of course I would have another because all the stressful things about having children would be outweighed by the joy that they bring.

I know I am a good mother really but I keep making these ridiculous comparisons that are just making me feel permanently down, and I know I am stopping myself enjoying this time when my children are small.

I personally think the OP should not have another one. It is pretty clear she doesn't really want another child but sort of thinks she should as it will somehow prove she is a "good mother" I think that is a pretty poor reason for having another child.

I think people have children for many reasons, most of them selfish ones but this one strikes me as as particularly selfish. Now that we have contraception we should have children because we want them, all of them in our lives. In the end children ar more people in your life and the more people you have the more messy your life is. Messy isn't bad and can in fact be great but we all have different tolerances for that.

Have the number of children you want because you wnt them not bbecause of what it says about you as a mother

my third was a total surprise

(who would have thought unprotected sex could lead to pregnancy?)

not really, was contraceptive failure or very determined sperm or something

obviously yanbu, you sound like very thoughtful and caring parent

i wonder if i sent one to boarding school id be better

And if you sent two, well you'd be sublime.

Well I'm a crap mum to one.

I don't find one in the least bit dull and I often wonder how people cope with more than 1. Fair play to you all esp single mums of more than one.

YABU for putting yourself down. if you love the 2 you have, and they love you, who gives a stuff what others think or do.

i have 4. love them all beyond words BUT i dont think that is because i am a better mother.

i found one child stressful as i was said childs prime source of entertainment. yes, more children can (and often does) mean more stress and chaos, but siblings can be a great source of love and fun (and fights) to each other.

i find that i am more relaxed now i have 4 and would love to have more, only age is against me now so will have to be quick.

the only real reason to plan to have more children is because YOU want them and you feel you can offer them the best of your self and your time and your love. if you are really not sure, then wait.

Thanks for the messages (apart from cod obviously, but she must be finding the thread fairly interesting to keep posting!!)

You have all made lots of helpful points on a day when I was obviously feeling pretty fed up judging by my post (which does maybe sound a bit pathetic reading it now).

Hurrah for stealthpolarbear and goobledygook knowing exactly what I mean, it's good to know I am not the only one who struggles with this.

I guess Sharon Matthews should not be mentioned .. but come op - size really does not matter!

I used to lament the fact that I would probably only have one child but now I am bloody relieved. Mabe I'll have the chance again but it will take some thinking. I think that siblings are lovely and great companions but I am quite a selfish person and really miss my peace. DD brings me just the right amount of joy and disruption. I'd prob think differently if I had a partner though and go for some more.
Don't go for three because you feel you have to keep up with the Joneses. I think it's quite fashionable to have three nowadays. Read a crap article about how two was ''easy'' and three was a ''proper'' number of children. What nonsense.

yes look at karen matthews, my parenting idol

seriously do what YOU want

I have 4 kids

It doesn't make me a better mother

It does mean I think I enjoy the last one more as I am aware how times flies now the older is almost in comp, and I am more relaxed because ds4 would struggle to throw more than we have already seen

But I am not better

Just older and more experienced

And there are no doubt many far better mother's of one than me about

lol at snow! I had not even read your post

its Karen, I was/am obsessed with her for some reason

even had karen style days when I was sleep deprived with DS1 (I mean sartorially, not parenting)

poor shannen tho

OP: You need a lie down I think. You're speaking rubbish and tying yourself in knots and forgetting what's really important. Comparing yourself to what others do is always a very poor way to measure yourself.

If you have three cars are you a better driver?

If you have four guitars are you a better musician than your neighbour who has only one piano?

If I eat ten cheezeburgers am I having a better meal than if I dine on one salmon and cream cheese bagel?

If I weigh twenty stone am I a better person than someone at ten stone?

If you breastfeed until three years old will you automatically become a better mother than if you stopped at one year.

OH GOD HELP ME I should not have included that one... but you understand my point. Less can sometimes be more.

perhaps you need to wait a little longer before having a third. I have 2 with 20 months between them. I love them more than I could have imagined but sometimes its bloody hard work and i fantasise about a night in a hotel!

I would like a third, but if we do and can, I will leave it longer. Its lovely for my 2 being close together and they are v close- but I know I couldnt manage another right now and i think they would lose out because of this.

I think having more than one obviosuly makes you a more experienced mum- i expected my daughter to be a carbon copy of my son, but she isnt at all and now I realise that only part of their character is down to us- lots is just hard wired in.

If you breastfeed until three years old will you automatically become a better mother than if you stopped at one year.

of course snobear!!!!!!! LOL

I have nearly 3 and am a bit lax / indiffernt to be honest

OP - do you live somewhere where there is a lot of competitive breeding?

Where I live people seem to have loads of children and look pretty smug about it. I have two and several people have openly sneered at me. It makes you question your family size and think you've done the wrong thing or are lacking in some way.

One woman said "Don't you have any more? I wouldn't feel as if we had a proper family with only two" Another asked me if I had lost a child .

my friend has 5 dcs and only 2 live with her The other 3 are in the care of ss, so YABU.

gramercy - apologies for the blatant thread hijack but did you ever solve your petrol bill problem ?

i cant be bothered reading the thread i can imagine the answers. In reply to your question. don talk shite

How can you think that because you only have 2 children you are not a good enough mother? What a strange notion!

I had 3 children in 3 years and it's very hard work. But all children are hard work whether you have 1,2 or 8!

Make sure you are prepared if you want more. I medically cannot have any more children but know I couldn't cope with any more than 3.

You have less time for each child the more you have, so being a good mother certainly does not equate to how many children you have.

I have friends who have 1,2 and 4 children and I see them first as individuals and friends.

I have never thought of comparing them to me and I certainly don't believe that my friend with 4 is a better mother than me or that my friend with 2 is an inferior mother to me.

Enjoy the children you have and stop feeling guilty, comparing yourself to others and media expectations of women.

HOW old are your children? I'm guessing baby plus toddler or younger toddler plus pre-school/early school-age