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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that women with more than two children are better mothers?

153 replies

kitpuss · 08/07/2010 11:13

I think know the answer to this really but am so tortured about this I could do with some help to put this issue to bed.

I have 2 children, and keep torturing myself about whether to have a third.

I like the idea of three, but find two really hard work and think that three would just be too much for me to cope with.

But then I think about all those people who have more than two, and think they must be better mothers than me if they can contemplate having more, and that they must love their children more to think that having more is worth all the potential stress.

Does that make any sense? I am making myself totally miserable with this, thinking that because I don't want another I must not be as good a mother as all those who did go on to have more than two. I start thinking that if I was a better mother of course I would have another because all the stressful things about having children would be outweighed by the joy that they bring.

I know I am a good mother really but I keep making these ridiculous comparisons that are just making me feel permanently down, and I know I am stopping myself enjoying this time when my children are small.

OP posts:
LouM10 · 08/07/2010 19:22

I think a lot of people have the same worries when they only have 1. They want a 2nd, but unsure if they can cope etc. You had your 2nd and were great at it.
If anything, you will already know how to juggle an extra child and have had experience with more than 1 child, so think you would be great at it. Go for it!!

poshsinglemum · 08/07/2010 19:31

If you genuinely want a large family go for it but I think people who look down on those who ''only'' have two or less are barking to be honest.
Children are wonderful but they are EXPENSIVE and HADR WORK. Competetive martyrdom seems to be all the range in mummy land.
I am a selfish bitch and find one lovely but such hard work. I went through the ''oh I want about five'' when dd was 8 months old and thus not properly mobile or whiney! Then again, I think onece you become a mum you might as well go for more as 1 is hard work anyway.
If I had an amazingly supportive man I'd probably be planning my 2nd or 3rd but would need pots of cash. Think of YOUR needs aswell.

Casserole · 08/07/2010 19:33

What an offensive OP. I only have one DS, presumably you think I'm a shit mother.

EnglandAllenPoe · 08/07/2010 19:48

why don't you read the OP, casserole ?

specialmagiclady · 08/07/2010 19:49

Come off the boil, Casserole! Read the rest of the thread, it's not meant to be insulting to anyone other than the OP ...

SylvanianFamily · 08/07/2010 19:52

I'm a mum of 3, and, tbh, I get a bit tired of the 'you must be 'supermum' comments. I've learnt to be organisedvand effective, but often i feel sad about how much of my parenting is dictated by the logistics of keeping everyone safe, sane, presentable etc. I take every opportunity to 'split' the trio, so that I getva chance to show them sides of my personality beyond the cruella-de-ville/butlins cheerleader on acid that seems to be my default day to day.

I did have 3 under 5 though, and now that dc3 is walking and talking, I can relax somewhat, and practice the 'person focussed' parenting that I would define as proper 'good' mothering.

EnglandAllenPoe · 08/07/2010 19:54

the more kids you have, the more experienced you get. each new baby adds a range of challenges you learn from. that doesn't necessarily mean better though. generally the mothers of 4+ kids seem to have a very set way of doing things so that their households don't slide into anarchy! But then they have to - if you have fewer kids you can afford a slightly more laissez faire approach.

if you want a larger family then go for it (i certainly do and always knew i did) - but its not to be a better mother, but because you want another one?

LittleSilver · 08/07/2010 19:57

I am pg with DC4.

I am super organised and love my children to bits. However, I do not do loads of craft type stuff with them, or at least not as much as I would like to. That's because I'm rushed off my feet. My friend with one child, however, does.

You are WAY overthinking this.

LittleSilver · 08/07/2010 19:58

Just read SylvanianFamily's brilliant post. Ignore me, read hers, that is EXACTLY what it's like.

WoodyAllen · 08/07/2010 20:04

My great grandmother had 17 children. Not sure if she was a mother or a machine.

I have three. I was anxious too. But they are fantastic and the third is not harder than the second. Noiser, crazier, more chaotic - more love, more laughs too. I didn't think it would be like this for me. In a parallel life I have no kids, a flat tum and am just collecting an Oscar. But we are all different. The one thing I do know is ENJOY them, whether you have one or 17. We nearly lost our eldest when she was 3. The most traumatic day of my life - relax and pleae please enjoy what you have already whether or not any mor come along. X

LuluF · 08/07/2010 20:31

SylvanianFamily - 'the cruella-de-ville/butlins cheerleader on acid' really made me laugh! I SO know what you mean.

Quattrocento · 08/07/2010 20:34

Thinking about the spectrum of revolting newsworthy mothers that others on this thread have referred to ...

Surely the best mothers are the ones without children? In my head, I was a fantastic mother before I had children.

mathanxiety · 08/07/2010 20:39

I am pretty disorganised, but have developed the ability to delegate, lower standards a bit, and go with the flow. I have adjusted my expectations of myself and my definition of what constitutes a halfway decent mother along the way. If motherhood does nothing else, it humbles you.

I did a lot of reading to the DCs and with them when they were little, and encouraged art for all of them (but only DC1 ever got to use glitter, because I felt it just wasn't worth the mess). I think crafts are overrated to some extent, or maybe I'm just justifying not doing much in that line because I find a lot of it tedious and dreaded the massive cleanup afterwards. I also find I'm a lot more relaxed about tv than many of my friends who have fewer DCs than me.

I actually sort of felt I was on holiday when even one of them was off playing somewhere else for an afternoon while they were all under 11 -- I heard somewhere that the ideal number of children is one less than however many you have.

I agree with LuluF that going from 1 to 2 was harder mentally and emotionally than adding DC3, and DCs 4 and 5 just added another few layers of chaos each (moreso DC4 than DC5, a very intense baby). Also agree with SylvanianFamily here -- keeping them from killing themselves takes up a lot of time in the early years. You can end up feeling very disappointed with yourself while you're in the thick of it; I think the trick is to please yourself and forget about the judgement of others and not to overthink things. I knew somewhere inside when DC5 was born that 5 was the end of the line for me. If you feel that 3 would be great, and you can afford 3, then do it. But the number of children anyone has is not the measure of what makes a 'good' mother. Be kind to yourself in your thoughts. Clap yourself on the back occasionally. Sometimes it really is enough that nobody ended up with stitches on any given day.

verytellytubby · 08/07/2010 20:40

3 kids makes me frazzled, chaotic and shouty. I long for peace, calm and it's very expensive. I wouldn't swap them for the world but I would have stuck at 2 if I'd had the choice. I had DD then twin boys so the choice was taken away from me

Casserole · 08/07/2010 20:44

Read it thanks Edward. Why don't you try reading it too, along with the thread title? No, wait, I'll paste it here for you:

AIBU to think that women with more than two children are better mothers?

Now tell me how that isn't meant to be insulting?

Oh and specialmagicalprincess - thanks very much for taking on the role of letting me know what I can and can't react to on here. I didn't realise there was a new monitor in town.

EnglandAllenPoe · 08/07/2010 21:04

the OP is expressing fears about her own parenting, not gunning for other peoples.

though obviously you are looking for a fight, and have therefore found one...

Reallytired · 08/07/2010 21:11

I think that I am a better mother to my second child in someways as I made loads of mistakes with my first child. My poor son was the guinea pig.

The fact that my son has survived all my mistakes has made me more confident and happier with my second baby. However the second child gets less attention as the older one still needs mothering.

The more practice someone gets the better they get at looking after children. However there is natural ablity as well. Many mothers of only children are excellent parents and there are plenty of poor quality parents with larger families.

TheBolter · 08/07/2010 21:11

I used to torture myself with the ridiculous notion that I must be an unsatisfactory mother because I would struggle with more than two dcs. I get impatient enough by two so three would be a bloody disaster. I live in a 'competitive breeding area' as another poster called it, and I'm sure this influenced my thoughts.

Now I think, OK - I may have ONLY two children, but I also have a career, an organised home, a stable marriage, and a flat stomach. All of these things that I hold important to me (esp the flat stomach) would be very hard to maintain if I had another child.

I have the balance right for me now - I split myself between my career and my two children, having a life that is not just about the children suits me. What I'm trying to say to the OP is that I don't define myself by the number of children I have, nor by my role as a mother. There's more to me than that.

I hope you get your head sorted out over this, try not to rush into anything rash. The feeling took many years to pass from me, so you may find the same for you. Try to rediscover yourself a bit perhaps .

LuluF · 08/07/2010 21:19

I agree Mathanxiety - you need to be kind to yourself and not drop your standards exactly, but relax your grip on them a little - you can always clear up - you can't always play in a sandpit or make a mud pie. The best thing is not to listen to anyone else at all (I find it best not to listen to my mother - I'm an only child - I did not cause as much mess as 3 children under 5, no matter what she says).

And verytellytubby - what I wouldn't give for a bit of peace sometimes, too. Or a trip to the loo without a little hand appearing around the door...

judytzuke · 08/07/2010 21:24

OP - it's a really personal thing, and I do understand it. I was desperate to have 3 DCs and got totally fixated on it in a bit of a mad way - as soon as I met someone new I used to ask how many children they had: if it was 3 (or more) I was awash with a weird hormonal jealousy. In the end I presuaded DH to have DC3 (after 7 years of this longing) and DC3 is now 3 and I don't have this feeling anymore - my body seems to know that is is 'done' with babies now. However, a third DC whilst lovely and wanted and fab, has stretched us to our limit financially, emotionally (eldest DC is stroppy teen and needs a lot of support at the mo') and we are perpetually worn out. In the long term though the tiredness and busyness will cease and I will be (in my head at least and momentarily) the mother I envisaged myself being i.e with 3. Isn't about being a 'better mother' though - I'm a bog standard muddling through the chaos type mum!

LuluF · 08/07/2010 21:27

Bolter - I don't think I can ever talk to you again. [looks down at pathetic excuse for a stomach and weeps].

TheBolter · 08/07/2010 21:42
LuluF · 08/07/2010 21:45
Grin
UniS · 08/07/2010 21:57

YABU

your being a bit barking to be honest. number of children has no bearing on your parenting ability.
If your finding 2 hard enough work, fine, why opt for more hassle, its not a fertility competition you know.

ronshar · 08/07/2010 22:01

To be honest I think having my third child tipped me over the edge from being an adequate mother to a fairly crap one

Three means less time for everything and everyone.