Hmmm..thank you to everyone for your insights.
I ought to balance what I said earlier: my DH never, ever shouts at me or insults me. We only ever have civilised discussions. If I am abused then it is in a very gentle and subtle way! Yes, DH is seemingly emotionally unaware - he hates hand holding or cuddling, doesn't buy me birthday/ anniversary cards because they are a waste of money (there is a logic there, sort of) and is even distant from his own family - but I put that down to boarding school from an early age.
BUT DH has never stopped me from doing exactly what I want in terms of working/ not working/ making investments/ deciding on holidays/ choosing schools for the children/ pursuing hobbies/ buying houses/ employing help. And he has provided plentifully..there is nothing that we do not have that we want/ need simply because it costs too much. So it's pretty good, eh?
I suspect the problem lies more within myself - my parents had a marriage where my father was indeed incredibly difficult to live with and my mother spent her life apologising, tiptoeing around him and the evening inevitably in tears. I learned this submissive way to behave to men at an early age and have never flipped out of the habit, rather I have assumed it is how relationships are so, lo and behold, mine begins to go that way. I am just becoming aware of this and how it does not make a solid foundation for marriage to have one very dominant and one very subservient partner. DH had never made me a cup of tea in 15 years of marriage until last year I had an au pair who made me tea and I realised how fantastic that was and asked around my friends who nearly all said that they took it in turns with their husbands or some such arrangement. I started prompting DH to make the morning tea once in a while and HE JUST DID IT. I need to be clearer with him about what I expect. I am sure he is a perfectionist about the house because he has never contributed and does not realise how long washing/ cooking/ shopping/ cleaning/ gardening/ child chauffeuring all take and I HAVEN'T TOLD HIM. The exhaustion thing was no doubt my fault for soldiering on without once mentioning to DH how very tired I was trying to work full time and cope with all the child care arrangements, catering, washing, gardening etc I always assume that I could and should be doing more (um, at the moment I could be as I am on MN when really I should be taking the dog to the vet, watering the garden, preparing for the French exchange and doing my tax return).
SO maybe you get what you expect and I need to expect something different. I need to tell H that it is important to me to buy my own clothes.
Yes, the hospital thing does worry me (and it is in a long line of similar behaviour when I have needed physical help and not been given it) because DH really is NOT sympathetic to ill people and he does regularly tell me that if I ever get decrepit he will push me and my wheelchair into the Thames. Not sure how much of this is a joke....I had better stay fit and healthy! On the whole, though, I reckon many, many women would give their right arms to have my life!
PS Sadly, I would swap it all (not the DC obviously) for a man who was warm, interesting and caring. That doesn't make me much of a wife!