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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not like being told the truth by my DH

259 replies

onsabbatical · 29/06/2010 22:07

I bought a new dress at the weekend. I was shopping with my 13 year old DD and she said I looked beautiful in a rose print dress from Hobbs. I put it on to go to a World Cup BBQ at a friend's house on Sunday and asked DH if he liked it. I felt great in it.

He said that it put 10kg on me and that it was fine if I wanted to look fat. I am 8 stone but only 5ft 2 so can be swamped in unfitted shapes. AIBU to wish he had just said I looked great even if he secretly thought it was unflattering?

It's too late to take it back as I had cut out the labels already but I don't think I will ever have the heart to wear it even though both my DD's (the other is 16) say I looks lovely in it.

When I was in my thirties, I let DH buy all my clothes as I got sick of taking back ones that I bought for myself because he didn't like them. BTW he is very generous and buys me much more expensive outfits than I would buy myself but somehow I want to choose! AIBU or should I be grateful that I have such an honest DH with great taste?

OP posts:
diddl · 30/06/2010 20:16

"We could all pick the very worst thing our partners have done and show them in a terrible light"-actually no, I couldn´t.

The worst thing my husband has done wouldn´t show him in a terrible light.

Aitch · 30/06/2010 20:55

yes, i'm afraid that's true, my dh has his moments but the worst thing he's done would show him to be a bit selfish sometimes. not quite on the scale of this guy.

proudnsad · 30/06/2010 21:04

Really diddl? Have to take your word for it.
Every single woman I know has a partner that has done at least one outrageously selfish, unkind or dangerous act.

Taken in isolation, OP's complaints about him sound shit, yes. Abusive? Possibly, but I don't think so. Stick by my view that he's selfish, arrogant and very much man of the house in attitude.

Why do people wilfully choose to ignore the good she finds in him?

I actually think she's embarrassed to admit she likes her life. Living a lavish life and having to put up some seriously alpha behaviour, is not every woman's idea of a nightmare you know.

There are too many who want to irresponsibly scream 'abuse, get out of the marriage!' without knowing even a fraction of the facts. This is someone's life!!

So yes I admit that's making me play devil's advocate I bit...

Jamieandhismagictorch · 30/06/2010 21:10

proud - Aibu has a tendency to do that, don't you find ? (polarises opinion until you find yourself staunchly defending something you were previously fairly ambivalent about).

< states the patently bleedin' obvious >

My DH has never ever done anything as chronically or acutely nasty as described here. Thoughtless, selfish, not Nasty

Alouiseg · 30/06/2010 21:20

Erm. I know exactly which dress you mean. I tried it on, bought a selection and ran them by my dh. I take back the ones he doesn't like, unless I love them.

I don't think it's a problem, we don't have time to shop together and I miss his input. He has great taste and stops me looking idiotic at times. I am hyper critical about his clothes too.

It's really not a divorcing issue. I love clothes and mr g loves clothes.

I think op is being given a bit of scary advice tbh.

proudnsad · 30/06/2010 21:29

Totally agree Alouiseg - scary and irresonsible and self-serving advice.
Jamie - ha! yes, have been sucked in for some reason (wine possibly).

Alouiseg · 30/06/2010 21:33
fyimate · 30/06/2010 21:34

My DD is 4 and seems to really be able to tell my "good outfits" from my "bad", so I would listen to what your lovely DC's said and wear it. If you feel good who cares?!
Agree with Tidey, 8 stone is a great wieght to be at your height.

dinkystinky · 30/06/2010 21:35

OP - I'm glad you wore the dress again and clearly felt and looked good in it, making yourself and DD2 happy. Remember that feeling and hold on to it when you're thinking about the conversation you want to have with your DH.

stripeyknickersspottysocks · 30/06/2010 21:42

I have a friend who is in her 40s, me and her other friends are a bit younger than her (early 30s). Her DH makes very rude comments (in front of us) about her clothes. We'll all have got ready to go out and she'll be looking fab and he'll be telling her that she looks like mutton dressed as lamb, her dress is too short, her top is too tight, she looks awful, she looks fat, etc.

Its all bollocks, he is controlling and can't bear to see her looking so good. I can only imagine he doesn't like the idea of other blokes looking. He also seems to get a kick out of trying to wreck her confidence, undermine her, etc. He;s a bully.

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 30/06/2010 21:43

OP is underweight and her husband repeatedly snipes at her for looking "fat" -- that's not normal

Her husband does nothing at all around the house and sends household jobs back to be redone by her because (in spite of leaving his dirty underpants on the floor) he has "high standards" -- that's not normal

Her husband leaves her on her own without even looking in on her in passing when her heart has stopped, she's nearly died, and the only reason she's been discharged from hospital is that someone will be at home looking after her -- that's not normal

Which could possibly be put down to some hideous communication snafu, except that years later he still maintains that he did nothing wrong -- that's definitely not normal

I don't think Mr OP is necessarily beyond redemption or that the marriage is necessarily doomed (don't know enough to say either way), but I do think that this goes way beyond "Oh, he's just a man and he just loves clothes". His behaviour at the moment is controlling and it's bullying. Perhaps he can change that; perhaps he can't. Actually I find the "just a man" advice pretty scary myself. A Y chromosome doesn't mean someone shoulf be held to lower standards of behaviour in an indulgent manner.

Omarlittlest · 30/06/2010 21:52
Biscuit
organiccarrotcake · 30/06/2010 22:05

I thought so too, omar. Descriptions seemed too slick and innocent.

But if not, it is true that one can go through life thinking it's ok, when it isn't.

Maybe the OP's H is ok generally. Who knows. Many of us here have had abusive XPs or XHs and often it's the case that we assume it's normal until we find it's not. The kind of behaviour the OP describes is clearly not acceptable but there may be other reasons to stick around - I certainly wouldn't advocate cutting and running - but when the OP is being made unhappy by this behaviour, it needs to stop.

For those of us who have been in abusive relationships, it's very easy to persuade someone to get out as mostly we're much happier afterwards. But I would prefer to recommend proper marriage counselling so someone can see all sides.

Only thing I will say is, the very worst thing my husband ever does is he can be a bit blind to housework (and I'm not exactly great) but if I mention it he gets terribly upset and guilty for not being as good a husband as he could (as he puts it) and runs around doing everything. It's never, ever laziness or not caring, he just doesn't notice, and is mortified if I point it out. He's just the most caring, lovely, gorgeous, sexy, wonderful man in the world and having been through a marriage with a total arse, I realise now what a marriage is supposed to be like. Basically, it means both partners being happy with each other. Whatever that is for each person.

FellatioNelson · 30/06/2010 22:10

I'm 5'2" as well, but much heavier than you - I can't imagine at 8 stone you could look enormous in anything, but I agree, that being short, you need to be careful with big patterns - they can wear you rather than the other way around.

This is tricky - we are always asking our DHs for their opinions and when they actually say something that isn't 'hmm, lovely darling' with one eye on the telly we get all huffy.

I know if I thought something looked crap on my DH I'd say so, and he wouldn't take it too personally.

It sounds like your DH was a bit insensitive, but you asked him, and he didn't like it, so what can you do?!

I have a dress that I adore, a floaty pale yellow chiffon number with white cotton lace. My DH hates it - says I look like a giant lemon meringue pie.

I don't want to go out in something he hates me in, so I've stopped wearing it.

chenge · 30/06/2010 22:18

teenage girls are more honest in their critisisms,so listen to them not him,,

to put it short,,he is a control freak,,coz he wants you to wear only what he chooses,,which i think is unfair,,

awakenings · 01/07/2010 00:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

FortunateHamster · 01/07/2010 01:07

I could see the alpha male thing as a possibility until I read the post about your heart stopping and your DH not even checking in on you. Even if he didn't realise the seriousness of it, he knew you were in hospital and I can't imagine anyone not making sure their loved one was okay after that

Mostly it sounds like he's set in his ways/taking you for granted, but the above is just cold.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 01/07/2010 01:22

"housework is not my forte"

And here's another example of you believing his criticisms.

The point is not whether the OP is objectively fat. I'm fatter than her, and I wouldn't expect anyone to talk to me the way her husband does.

And the hospital thing is just appalling. I can't believe there are people ignoring that post, and the one about the housework being criticised, and focusing on "what's wrong with a bit of constructive criticism about clothes", yes I'm looking at you, alouiseg, have you just read the OP and posted? Otherwise I can't fathom how you've come to your conclusions. Several of us have said we welcome our partner's input on our clothing. But Bertie is making some really good points about how that is presented.

ShinyandNew, why on earth are you putting up with a man who goes out of his way to insult you the way yours does?

giraffesCanDanceInTheSun · 01/07/2010 04:34

I don't usually post in threads like this, but the way he is treating you is so unfair You deserve better.

Journeywoman · 01/07/2010 06:49

My husband is an "alpha male", if by that you mean a successful, very hard-working, perfectionist. I have been SAHM for a large part of our marriage, through circumstances, not choice.

I would still never let him talk to me like that, or criticise my housework, or leave his pants on the floor.

I am not going to scream abuse, but I do think you should stand up for yourself. Unless you are afraid to?

FellatioNelson · 01/07/2010 07:15

Actually, I only read the OP and the first few posts. {blush] Sorry. Will read whole thing now. Well, not now, but later.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 01/07/2010 07:34

Naighty Fellatio.

This is one of those threads where the OP is the tip of the iceberg.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 01/07/2010 07:35

Naughty, even.

diddl · 01/07/2010 08:09

"Really diddl? Have to take your word for it.
Every single woman I know has a partner that has done at least one outrageously selfish, unkind or dangerous act."

Yes, really!

And tbh I would think that most husbands are like mine-kind, caring, not nasty/critical/argumentative for the sake of it-in short, a decent human being who does the best for his family.

mrspir8 · 01/07/2010 08:10

In my house the conversation would be like this:

Do you like this dress?

Yeah it's nice

Do I look good in it?

Aw c'mon dont ask me that-I cant win

To be fair to my DH I never actually ask him. If i come downstairs dressed up, he usually goes "wow" you look nice/lovely/sexy/gorgeous" before I get a chance to say anything. I'm a size 20 and 5ft11 so how fat or thin you are should have nothing to do with it.

OP I am worried you have not come back. MN is a harsh parliament at times and can make you doubt and question. If you think Husband is a controlling bully it may be information to digest for a while before you react. Let us know you are ok