Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not like being told the truth by my DH

259 replies

onsabbatical · 29/06/2010 22:07

I bought a new dress at the weekend. I was shopping with my 13 year old DD and she said I looked beautiful in a rose print dress from Hobbs. I put it on to go to a World Cup BBQ at a friend's house on Sunday and asked DH if he liked it. I felt great in it.

He said that it put 10kg on me and that it was fine if I wanted to look fat. I am 8 stone but only 5ft 2 so can be swamped in unfitted shapes. AIBU to wish he had just said I looked great even if he secretly thought it was unflattering?

It's too late to take it back as I had cut out the labels already but I don't think I will ever have the heart to wear it even though both my DD's (the other is 16) say I looks lovely in it.

When I was in my thirties, I let DH buy all my clothes as I got sick of taking back ones that I bought for myself because he didn't like them. BTW he is very generous and buys me much more expensive outfits than I would buy myself but somehow I want to choose! AIBU or should I be grateful that I have such an honest DH with great taste?

OP posts:
diddl · 01/07/2010 13:52

Well I would take issue with whether he insults you or not, OP.

Also, when you say he hasn´t stopped you from doing certain things-you say that as if its a big plus in his favour-it´s not, it´s normal-it shouldn´t even be worthy of note!

Did he help/support or take an interest inany of those things?

NicknameTaken · 01/07/2010 13:52

But there's a difference, Butterbur - your H's intention was to do right by you and your family, even though he did the wrong thing. Not the case here - OP's H wasn't thinking about his family, he was thinking entirely of his own comfort.

Your H wasn't acting in a selfish, entitled way, OP's is.

Cretaceous · 01/07/2010 14:00

Do we know the OP's H was thinking about himself, or could he just not face the emotion of thinking that his wife was seriously ill? Was he avoiding that, because he can't deal with emotion? (Obviously, not good either way, though!) Emotions are hard to handle, particularly for those who have spent a lifetime trying to avoid them.

Actually, I'd say that Butterbur's DH was also unable to cope with the emotional strain of her being ill, and he retreated to what he knew he could handle - his job - which was his way of coping. It didn't mean he loved Butterbur less - perhaps it meant he loved her more, and couldn't bear the thought of life without her. If there is ever a next time (hope there isn't), he'd hpoefully be better at dealing with it.

Butterbur · 01/07/2010 14:03

I wonder if the OP's H does think he is doing right by his family, mainly by being a "good provider" (IMO an outdated view that this is the be all and end all of being an H)and would be surprised to find out that she doesn't agree.

5DollarShake · 01/07/2010 14:17

Maybe the OP's husband is behaving in the 'best' way he knows how, but (and I'm sorry to say) going by the OP's posts and descriptions, it doesn't sound like her DH likes her at all. I mean, maybe he loves her in his own way, but it doesn't sound is if there is any genuine like there at all. From either party, but most especially him.

Being in love and loving someone is all well and good (and necessary), but for a long-term relationship to last the distance and be happy for that distance, you have to like each other, too. You know, enjoy each other's company, laugh at the same things, have fun when together.

I can't imagine there really are very many women who would give their right arm for what the OP has. I really can't.

diddl · 01/07/2010 14:21

He might not be good with sick people-but he didn´t come home until hours later-& didn´t look in on her immediately.

Cretaceous · 01/07/2010 14:42

"I can't imagine there really are very many women who would give their right arm for what the OP has. I really can't."

Maybe the OP in the "To think I was naive to choose a man for love rather than money" AIBU thread???

PS Yes, you're right diddl. OP, I hope everything works out ok.

MrsC2010 · 01/07/2010 15:00

I have a very realistic view of humans and marriage. And can categorically say that my husband has never done anything cruel, dangerous or even really selfish. And I can't imagine him doing so either.

NicknameTaken · 01/07/2010 15:01

Yes, cretaceous, I was mentally comparing the two threads too!

Original poster
onsabbatical · 01/07/2010 16:11

I haven't seen the other thread - will look after school run.

BTW I didn't marry DH for money. When we met I was earning more than him and was slightly better qualified - we were both in the City. I have since taken the Mummy track, with breaks and part-time periods as well as sabbaticals, and he has devoted himself to work. Perhaps I am jealous of his success at work which I have felt unable to emulate due to domestic responsibilities stopping me putting in enough hours, but DH has always argued that it made sense for one of us to concentrate on a career and the other to be secondary and look after everything else at home. In many ways, I have had the better life, knowing the girls much better than he does, but I personally have paid a price in terms of losing career prospects and we have both paid the price in drifting apart as he has spent all hours at the office - he almost always puts in a 70 hour week - and/or being too knackered when home to even socialise or talk. In the last 4 years I have started to create my own social life without him which is sad, but keeps me sane.

Yes, I am SURE DH believes he is doing the right thing and would be amazed(ish) at my selfishness not to fully appreciate it. When I have mentioned that he is sacrificing his family through never being home he reasonably points out that nobody earns his kind of remuneration without being at work all hours and that it is not a job you can "half" do.

He will probably retire at 50 which is not far off so perhaps we will find time to rekindle any magic at that point.

I don't know why I am sharing the story of my marriage! I am guessing it is not too uncommon a tale although perhaps it is a little more extreme in its old fashioned gender roles.

GTG and pick up DD2

OP posts:
SweetGrapes · 01/07/2010 21:09

Bet you my last penny he will not retire at 50.

stubbornhubby · 01/07/2010 22:00

so it's still all your fault, onsabbatical

Alouiseg · 01/07/2010 22:10

on sabbatical I sympathise. You have to take the rough with the smooth. Men like that are not all bad, I know a lot of them. Dh is one of of them, most of my friends have a lot of those traits to contend with in their relationships.

Tis reasonably normal in my world. But I don't see it as a "bad thing".

Everyone has bad traits, I actually don't believe some of the perfect scenarios that people are building tbh.

Life isn't perfect and people are flawed!

dutchtown · 01/07/2010 22:19

Bet you my last penny many men like that end up ditching the wife and running away with some nubile 20-something secretary when they hit 50... and suddenly oops, there's the long-suffering wife with no career or pension and would you adam and eve it, hubbie has expensive lawyers and accountants to make sure he minimises his income for maintenance purposes.

(Not that I'm wishing this on you, OP but be ruddy careful.)

sevenkeystomysoul · 01/07/2010 23:40

So, the op has a degree from Cambridge, no less, maintains the perfect weight in her forties and after having two 'blonde, leggy and beautiful' daughters, is married to an 'alpha male' who doesn't do housework but provides 'more money than they can spend', and started a thread about her husband disliking a dress she bought, which then became a thread about his lack of concern when her heart stopped and he didn't bother to come into the 'drawing room' to see if she was ok when he returned home. I'm not sure where this is going, but shall be buying Tatler in three months time (yep, ex-journalist here) when I'm sure all will be revealed .

ouryve · 01/07/2010 23:44

Your husband sounds horribly controlling and cruel to me. Do you allow him to belittle you about things other than how you look, too?

ouryve · 01/07/2010 23:49

Just to add, I hadn't even read on. Read the last page, though. No. Don't care how much money he earns, he still looks like a monumental arse from where I'm sitting.

Omarlittlest · 01/07/2010 23:55

yep sevenkeys i am with you

ouryve · 02/07/2010 00:21

proudnsad

"We could all pick the very worst thing our partners have done and show them in a terrible light."

Um, no. I really might have to go sleep on this one, but I can't promise you anything. Now, concerning my previous husband, I wouldn't know where to start, but my current husband, despite being a man (it's not a disease or a special need, you know) is caring and usually thoughtful (has his somewhat aspie moments, but quickly gets the idea when I tackle him about it) and pulls his weight when he's at home and is a good friend.

And I would take it seriously if he told me I looked fat in something, because he would only tell me that if it made me really look fat. He's the sort of guy who would be a bit bothered if my heart actually stopped, though. Funny that.

librium · 02/07/2010 00:43

seems you have everything money can buy and nothing that it cant

aquavit · 02/07/2010 14:09

sevenkeys, are you suggesting OP is a journalist looking for material or am I missing your point? her posts are very carefully written which usually rings alarm bells for me but in this case would fit very well with the picture she has presented of herself

Sithmummy · 02/07/2010 14:24

"...it made sense for one of us to concentrate on a career and the other to be secondary and look after everything else..."

secondary

Triggles · 02/07/2010 17:21

OP does seem to be spoon-feeding us the information here, back and forth. I'm leaning towards sevenkey's explanation.

MarshaBrady · 02/07/2010 17:28

What do you want to happen op?

Other than, as you say, give us snippets of your married life,

Do you want to work, leave, change anything?

newstart2010 · 02/07/2010 17:40

I also think at 8 stone it would be difficult to look fat or over weight.

And I would believe the opinion of my 2 dd's esp if one of them is 16. And you would know you looked fat or not.