to not like being told the truth by my DH

[onsabbatical]

I bought a new dress at the weekend. I was shopping with my 13 year old DD and she said I looked beautiful in a rose print dress from Hobbs. I put it on to go to a World Cup BBQ at a friend's house on Sunday and asked DH if he liked it. I felt great in it.

He said that it put 10kg on me and that it was fine if I wanted to look fat. I am 8 stone but only 5ft 2 so can be swamped in unfitted shapes. AIBU to wish he had just said I looked great even if he secretly thought it was unflattering?

It's too late to take it back as I had cut out the labels already but I don't think I will ever have the heart to wear it even though both my DD's (the other is 16) say I looks lovely in it.

When I was in my thirties, I let DH buy all my clothes as I got sick of taking back ones that I bought for myself because he didn't like them. BTW he is very generous and buys me much more expensive outfits than I would buy myself but somehow I want to choose! AIBU or should I be grateful that I have such an honest DH with great taste?

Perhaps you have let your husband do too little with the effect that he has become lazy-not even putting dirty clothes in wash basket.

But how did you get to the point of returning clothes he doesn´t like?

Alpha male/controlling bully-give it whatever name you like-why does he have to be so nasty & in what you post above downright neglectful?

" ... but honestly I am amazed that everyone seems to live so differently ... "

This is why I love MN - it is a bit of a reality check for us all. But truly OP, you do have to pull up your DH - your last posting re hospital is nut just 'different' but shocking. 'downright neglectful' is quite mild to describe it.

And you could point out his hypocrisy - how can he consider himself to have high standards yet be such a slob (yes - a slob!) around the house who needs to be picked up after?

not, not 'nut'

I am shocked at your last post. Most people would have more concern for a total stranger than your DH showed for you that day after the hospital. Honestly.

Sorry-you were in hospital-your heart stopped-he didn´t come to fetch you?
He didn´t leave work immediately?

Does he actually care for you at all?

I'm sorry - he really thought 'there was a big football match coming on and the TV was elsehwere' was a reasonable explanation for how he behaved after you came out of hospital??

I am astounded. Your DH has very strange priorities, to say the least. I really can't fathom how you would put up with this. The clothes issues sounds like the thin end of a very large wedge, TBH. What kind of example are you both setting for your girls?? Him - it's OK to behave like he does; you - you put up with it all, ergo it's OK for men to behave like he does...

I thought your OP was bad enough, but this last post really does take the biscuit. Call it 'alpha male' behaviour if you like, but that's not the kind of partner I'd like to spend my life with.

You have to be kidding????!!! With all due respect you are acting like a bit of a downtrodden woman, dare I say "doormat". How would you feel if your daughter was treated like this?

My husband has a busy career in the law and I work in advertising. Both are crazy jobs that demand a lot of our time. That said, we bend over backwards to make sure the other is ok - night or day. Your phase "pattern of behaviour" doesn't quite cover it. Your husband is thoughtless and disrespectful. I'm not sure he could even be bothered to change by the sounds of it. Why would he? Life is pretty good for him as it is.

What do you want to happen, and think should happen?

assuming I was being weedy

Well, that's not very nice in itself, is it?

grossly unfair ... never claimed to be a good nurse

Staggered doesn't cover it - he may not be a good nurse, but you might expect him to be a concerned husband

Who i she fundamentally "kind and fair" to ?

Did he used to be kinder and fairer to you and there has been a change ?

sorry... that should be who is he kind and fair to

My husband used to come straight home when I had a migraine so that I could go to bed & he looked after the children-that´s just what people do, isn´t it?

Good lord onsabbatical - Your last post is quite shocking. Your heart stopped, you were blue-lighted to a specialist hospital and your 'D'H behaves like that? Could he not see the severity of his behaviour?

I know you don't want to hear this, but he sounds far worse than 'just an alpha male'.

I agree with others that have said that strangers would have treated you better. There isn't any excuse to treat a fellow human being like this, let alone your wife.

He sounds emotionally cruel and indifferent to you. People don't live like this. Relationships or partnerships are just this partnerships.

Please take note of what people are saying on this thread. It's not normal to treat your partner this way

are you assuming your dh has any knowledge of fashion? big mistake! surely your 16 yo daughter knows better

My DH was rude like that shortly after my DS1 was born, ignored me upstairs after a particluarly horrid day with our two week old in order to make drinks for his parents who were supposedly there to make things easier for us. Hmmm, I hit the roof and he tiptoed around me for about a week after the bollocking I gave him!

You are supposed to be his 'partner', you are his priority. He is treating you like a doormat and you have let him.

If he is not fundamentally mean then maybe some relationship counselling?

the worst that my dh has said to me when shopping is: honey, that doesn't quite fit, when i try to get into a dress 2 sizes too small

Christ, what a bellend. "typical alpha male" - fuck that.

Good Lord.

Your heart had stopped. He did not even bother to check that you were ok, not even a "oh there you are....", because there was a football match on?

It must really have knocked your confidence as a person and a wife. No wonder you are normalizing his behaviour, it must be pretty scary to face up to how little you are worth to the person you love.

You are the invisible woman in this marriage, arent you?

You manage his home, you raise his daughters, but you have no worth.

This is not right.

He is not an "alpha male".

He is not even human.

We could all pick the very worst thing our partners have done and show them in a terrible light. I agree this guy is not emotionally abusive OP! He is alpha, selfish and, umm, a man. You need to claw back some balance that's for sure. Sounds like you have already started to do that. Good for you.

And OP trust me... many of the posters here saying 'this is what I would do/say do, he's an abuser, you are a doormat, I never stand for ANY shit from NO man' are the ones who wouldn't say boo to a fucking goose in RL so don't feel like a wally and don't change your nickname!

Well my DP is what I would call an alpha-male and has some annoying alpha tendencies, such as having ultra-high standards for himself, working really hard. But he makes a fuss if I nick my ankle shaving my legs. Being a perfectionist doesn't stop you caring about people unless there's something else wrong with you

Blue lighted equals weedy????
In which world? Sorry but - that's not normal.
My dh is a bad nurse - I tell him I am feeling shaky and he stands around knowing f* all what to do - BUT he comes. He would be worried sick if my heart stopped and would be straight out of office and he's a nit pickingperfectionist, high flier, IT pro, borderline ASD kinds.
No normal male your 'd'h alpha or no alpha.

I agree that this is not abuse, and too many Mumsnetters say 'abuse' when it isn't. But it's not very nice behaviour either.

It's cold, callous, cruel and indifferent to behave like that. Not that he is, but his behaviour is.

Being a bad nurse (as is my DH who never gets ill!) is one thing, but to hear what happened and to not even come straight to you to find out if you were okay?

Not on.

OP, I rather suspect you know his behaviour is very, very wrong - otherwise you wouldn't be here in the first place.

Can you tell us what you actually like about him (other than his bank balance?

Is he funny? Good-looking? Clever? Sexy? A good dad? You're not selling him at the moment.

And you do sound a little bit frightened of him, which is not good.

I don't think it's hysterical to say that the following behaviours are abusive in nature:

• Insulting your partner (and by the sounds of it, very deliberately) when she has merely asked for an opinion, in a situation where it's highly likely that she looks just fine. (It's the wording - even someone who just lacked tact and thought she looked fat would say "No, it swamps you" or "No, it makes you look fat." Not "It's fine if you want to look fat." Unnecessarily manipulative, carefully thought out language.)

• Controlling what your partner wears by buying all her clothes and criticising anything she chooses for herself, causing her to take it back.

• Expecting everything or nearly everything in the house to be done - not just the basics, but everything. The OP said herself - "You name it, I do it".

-He then criticises these tasks when they are not done to his own high standards. As they have teenage children I assume the relationship is well established, it's not like having a disagreement over the way something is done at the start.

• He tells her that she "looks weird" and doesn't fit in to the family.

I'm not saying he's an abusive horrible toxic person with NPD and psychopathic tendencies or anything else you want to read into it - I am saying these behaviours are abusive in themselves. Whether he is abusive or not is probably subjective but it would depend whether any other symptoms of an abusive or controlling partner were being shown. He certainly doesn't seem to have much respect for the OP, and that is sad OP I suggest you read up about verbal abuse, you might find something you recognise, you might not - but nothing lost from just looking up some websites or books etc. You might even find some coping/counter strategies in there.

Don't even get me started on that story about the collapse from exhaustion, the fact the OP's heart actually stopped, and her DH thought she was being weedy?? (at him!)

The last straw with my XP was one day when I was very obviously sick and I first had to ask him (between retching ) to come and take DS away because he was trying to play in the toilet. So XP came stomping up the stairs, all in a huff because I'd actually asked him to do something with his son, took one look at me, didn't even ask "Are you okay?" but just said "Oh great. You've given yourself food poisoning, and I bet you've given it to DS as well now. Thanks a lot."

Up until that point I always managed to blame all his controlling, manipulative crap on his stress or his insecurity or whatever else. It was that moment when he decided to kick me when I was down that I realised he didn't actually care for me at all.

Oh and the worst part? About a week later he came down with the stomach bug I'd obviously had, (which DS never got by the way) and I got myself out of bed and asked if he was okay and got him a glass of water