to not like being told the truth by my DH

[onsabbatical]

I bought a new dress at the weekend. I was shopping with my 13 year old DD and she said I looked beautiful in a rose print dress from Hobbs. I put it on to go to a World Cup BBQ at a friend's house on Sunday and asked DH if he liked it. I felt great in it.

He said that it put 10kg on me and that it was fine if I wanted to look fat. I am 8 stone but only 5ft 2 so can be swamped in unfitted shapes. AIBU to wish he had just said I looked great even if he secretly thought it was unflattering?

It's too late to take it back as I had cut out the labels already but I don't think I will ever have the heart to wear it even though both my DD's (the other is 16) say I looks lovely in it.

When I was in my thirties, I let DH buy all my clothes as I got sick of taking back ones that I bought for myself because he didn't like them. BTW he is very generous and buys me much more expensive outfits than I would buy myself but somehow I want to choose! AIBU or should I be grateful that I have such an honest DH with great taste?

Great news if he earns a lot of money, divorce him, take him for everything you can and spend the evenings not re-doing ironing but watching TV with a nice glass of wine whist wearing whatever you want. He sounds like a controlling prick.

Please reclaim that dress (great advice) and while you're at it, go and buy the following:

1. DM boots - the dykier the better
2. A tie died T-shirt
3. Ripped jeans
4. Some fake tatoos (stick one on your face for added horror-factor)
5. Some day-glo pink hair spray
6. Black nail varnish

or anything really chavvy/punk/goth/trashy

Throw it all on and say "do you like my new outfit for the firm's annual dinner dance, darling?"

This post really upset me. I love clothes and see them as an important part of my identity/self expression. DH calls my wardrobe "the dressing up box" and I see clothes as fun and a way of reflecting my mood - some days I'll wear my DMs and others I'll flounce around in a floaty skirt.

Telling you that you look fat is EVIL - even if you were (and you are tiny), what good what that do?

I do most of the domestic stuff in this house as DH is rubbish at it. I am often criticised for this. But DH and I are friends; I'm not sure this man is your friend. However, rather than attacking him, I think you need to ask him why he feels the need to be so rude to you - are there problems in his life that are making him so unpleasant? How are his finances - we live in hard times? Is he depressed? I'm not excusing this behaviour as it is unacceptable, but it may be a symptom of something else.

OP - do you have anyone in RL who you can talk to, who knows what DH is like?

because i can only echo what everyone else has said - he is a controlling bully who likes putting you down to keep you in your place (the kitchen/bedroom/on his arm looking how HE likes with clothes HE chose AND paid for)

he is not a loving husband by any stretch of the imagination - but my guess is that on the outside you look like a dream couple, wealthy, nice clothes, great kids etc - many might envy what you have from a distance, but not having seen on this thread what you have to put up with they wouldn't

Oh and you DON'T - have to put up with it, that is

Any mother's 'best' critic is going to be the teenage children. If they think you look good in it then you know you do, because they sure as hell don't want their mum to look rubbish.

Your OH either doesn't like the dress or doesn't like the fact you bought it without consulting him. Or maybe he doesn't like the price.

Ignore him, wear the dress and make sure you tell him every compliment that you get about the dress. And I am sure there will be plenty.

I am 5'2". Once I slipped down from my normal 9 stone to 8 1/2 stone from working too much. my mum and best friend were very concerned about me. I lost my bust and all my curves. soon back up to 9 stone.
the comment that your dh made is ridiculous to the extreme.

OP - I bet you look lovely in the dress - and as others have said, the fact you have two DDs telling you that is proof positive that you do. You should wear clothes that you want to wear because you feel good in them - the fact your DH might not like them is his issue, not yours. Ignore him and wear clothes you like and ignore any petty comments he comes out with.

I think it's pretty transparent.

He sneered because you looked great in the dress. The dress he didn't choose.

You might start thinking you could choose all your own clothes in future.

You are on the way to slipping his short leash.

He doesn't like the way it feels.

Good grief, there are so many MNetters crying 'abuse' these days. (I've been here a long time, I've namechanged).

He sounds like lots of high earning, high achieving blokes. Yes he is expecting and demanding too much and yes he should pull his weight more and appreciate his missus. OP needs to address that.

I think it very unhelpful and knee jerk and simplistic to tell OP IT'S ABUSE! DIVORCE THE PRICK!

Hmm

"I am sooooo lucky"

Your husband does no cleaning, cooking, ironing, taking rubbish out, childcare, shopping, MOT on car, house insurance, ......anything. Not even putting his own dishes in the dishwasher or putting his dirty underwear in the laundry basket.
He then criticises how you do these jobs and sends them back to be done again if they aren't up to his standards.
You are extremely fit and slightly underweight but your husband constantly tells you that you are fat.
Your husband puts you down and criticises your choice in clothes unjustifiably (really: if these clothes really didn't suit you your teenage children would tell you)
You are losing all your confidence even though you are intelligent, articulate, slim and attractive.

You are not lucky and you do not have it all. What you have is a controlling bully for a husband.

i dont see abuse - really get a grip.

and OP - get some balls ffs, it sounds pathetic, and you know this i bet.

your dh choses your clothes.

here how a conversation would go in my house

"do you like my dress"
"yeah it's lovely"
"no but do you really, don't just say it"
"no, no, i do really"
"look i am going to xyz, i need to look good"
" well maybe it's a bit short"
"oh! " really?"
" wel a little"
"well i think it looks nice"
"it does"
"but you said it was short"
"no i said a little short, look don't bother asking me again cos i can't bloody win"

now

in your house if it was me

" do you like my dress"
"no"
"why"
"it makes you look fat"
"fuck you, i'm not fat and i like it, the question was obviously rhetorical as i am wearing it at the bbq already"
"well it does"
"I don't think so, i think i look fab"

proudnsad, I think it is unhelpful to be personally insulting to the OP's husband - partly because obviously there is a lot about him that we do not know, and partly because the OP may be made more sad and insecure to be told repeatedly that the man with whom she chose to have children, and whom she loves (or loved?), is a twat.

But just because his behaviour is sadly common, and the OP's experience likewise, doesn't make it alright: and it may indeed be helpful to identify the behaviour as abusive.

So sure, it's simplistic to say divorce the prick. But lots of the comments on this post have been about addressing the OP's own self esteem and that comes with looking at her relationship with her husband.

OP I hope you are OK.

yeah hae to agree with Proff

if you dont sing your own praises no fucker else will

He's so lucky - you need to remind him

I remind my DH everyday - honestly, i do - "you're a lucky bastard to have me" says i

i really do and he agrees

you're not lucky, he's lucky, stop being a wet blanket. tell him he's a lucky bastard to have you.

Don't you think, proudnsad, that if she is underweight and he is trying to get her to think of herself as fat, that that is a little worrying?

To me, it is not about the fact that he leaves his underwear on the floor. It is not about the fact that he never empties the dishwasher. Nor about his general lack of tact: some people can live happily with husbands on the autistic spectrum who are incapable of being tactful.

It is about the fact that the OP regularly takes back clothes that he disapproves of, that she feels apologetic about complaining because her confidence has been undermined, that she would have taken the dress back if she hadn't already cut off the labels (and that she feels she will never have the nerve to wear it).

All this tells me that it is not just about her dh's shortcomings: it's about the effect he is having on her. And expects to have on her. She is being damaged by this. She feels guilty about having a different opinion to him. If she can put a stop to it without upsetting the relationship, that is fine. But it needs to stop.

I agree with proudnsad to an extent.

It is for the OP to decide what to do here. All we can do as onlookers is say what we see, and I do think that there has been a fair bit of reading between the lines on all our parts. The OP will know deep in her heart just how much of a problem she has on her hands. I think, from reading her posts, that she is probably coming to realise (whether she wants to or not) that things are not as they should be in her relationship. She's still an intelligent woman - nobody can take that away from her, whatever else may be said - and has plenty food for thought here. I don't think she needs instruction on what to do with her life.

I do wish the OP all the best in dealing with this, for her own sake and for the sake of her two daughters who need to know what is reasonable to expect of their adult relationships.

OP, you have not posted for a while, I hope you are ok and the disection of your marriage on this thread has not frightened you off.

There are issues as you know that need to be addressed but I hope rather than deflating you further you can use some of these comments as an inspiration to find your self confidence again.

Only you know the full dynamic of your relationship with your DH and only you know if you have really lost yourself a bit.

I am sure you looked beautiful in that dress. I would use it as a 'fuck you' dress - wearing it because I like it and know DH doesn't, just to piss him off and prove he can't get to me. (Not that my DH gives a shit what I wear).

Onsabbatical, your 'dear' husband is a controlling, abusive prick. How bloody dare he do the things he is doing? Just because he pays for everything does not give him free reign to treat you like a slave and a living doll!

Ha ha at Custardo, this:-

"do you like my dress"
"yeah it's lovely"
"no but do you really, don't just say it"
"no, no, i do really"
"look i am going to xyz, i need to look good"
" well maybe it's a bit short"
"oh! " really?"
" wel a little"
"well i think it looks nice"
"it does"
"but you said it was short"
"no i said a little short, look don't bother asking me again cos i can't bloody win"

is exactly the converastion Dh and I have frequently.

This is the conversation used to go in our house...
"Do you like my dress?"
"No. It looks like it is causing you pain. It's far too small and it makes you look like you are even fatter than you already are"
"My sister thinks it's okay"
"She would do. She always looks a mess too. Anyway you are lying when you say your sister tells you your clothes are nice. She has told me loads of times she thinks you wear things that are too small and you look ridiculous"

Can't say I'd like to live like that, Shiny.

my dh has his faults God knows but he has NEVER criticised the way i looked even when i was much larger

Can´t see much difference in your scenarios tbh Shiny-he´s still insulting you.

I used to let him bother me and would spend the whole night believing what he has said. Now it just goes over my head. I know full well what he is trying to achieve and I'm not playing any more.

oh dear, bit of a reality check for the op by the looks of things. he does sound like he's got into the habit of forgetting that he's supposed to be In Love with you and want to make things nice for you too. nothing that can't be sorted with a real heart-to-heart, i shouldn't think.

I suppose I just don´t get why someone would deliberately treat someone else that way.

I am back from being out all day. Having read all the comments this morning, I put on the dress. As soon as I stepped out of the front door, a neighbour complimented me :-) DD2 was delighted when I picked her up from school as she had helped me choose the dress.

I need to be more robust and buy my own clothes, ignoring negative comments. I am neither a child nor arm crumpet.

I agree with the poster who said that DH sounds like a typical alpha male, rather than an emotionally abusive person. This is absolutely spot on. He is a high achieving perfectionist and expects me to be the same. Unfortunately, housework is not my forte, and I do not have DH's stamina, so I have decided to employ a cleaner for more hours and not feel guilty about the money even when I am not working.

I am belatedly aware I have helped mould DH into the man he is by setting the pattern where I have expected him to do nothing.

I had a wake up call a few years back when I collapsed from exhaustion (I was working full time back then and had been working late for the whole of the week before as my DH was on holiday with the children leaving me free to catch up on hours at the office, including an all nighter). Luckily I was in the hospital when my heart actually stopped.

The doctors sent me home on the basis that there would be someone to accompany me and look after me. DH told me on the phone to grab a cab as he would come home separately from the office. When he got home several hours later he didn't even put his head round the drawing room door (which is the closest room to the front door and as far as I had been able to get with the help of the cab driver) to see if I needed anything. I was so grateful that DD1, then aged 10, soon came home from school and fetched me a drink of water. It may sound melodramatic, but I honestly thought I could die there on the sofa as I could not get up without massive chest pains let alone walk ( I guess I should not have really been discharged but was too weak to even get to a phone to sort out checking myself back in again, or actually to think straight and I kept being sure that DH would soon come down to check on me).

I have not been able to erase DH's behaviour from my mind. He is aware of this and says it is grossly unfair as he has never claimed to be a good nurse, is hopeless with ill people, and had misunderstood how sick I was, assuming I just being weedy (yes that would explain the blue light transfer from one London hospital to another more specialised one)....and there had been a very big football match just starting when he had got home and the large TV was in a different part of the house.

I need to have a think and a talk with DH as to how we get out of this pattern of behaviour. Not sure it will work but I need to give it a go. Fundamentally, he is a kind hearted and fair man even though I have just told you all the bad stuff!!

Sorry, I have gone off the track of my original post but honestly I am amazed that everyone seems to live so differently and it has given me cause to reflect.

I had better go and change my name now!!!