to not like being told the truth by my DH

[onsabbatical]

I bought a new dress at the weekend. I was shopping with my 13 year old DD and she said I looked beautiful in a rose print dress from Hobbs. I put it on to go to a World Cup BBQ at a friend's house on Sunday and asked DH if he liked it. I felt great in it.

He said that it put 10kg on me and that it was fine if I wanted to look fat. I am 8 stone but only 5ft 2 so can be swamped in unfitted shapes. AIBU to wish he had just said I looked great even if he secretly thought it was unflattering?

It's too late to take it back as I had cut out the labels already but I don't think I will ever have the heart to wear it even though both my DD's (the other is 16) say I looks lovely in it.

When I was in my thirties, I let DH buy all my clothes as I got sick of taking back ones that I bought for myself because he didn't like them. BTW he is very generous and buys me much more expensive outfits than I would buy myself but somehow I want to choose! AIBU or should I be grateful that I have such an honest DH with great taste?

I suspect a troll, but will post as if you're not, just in case.

"PS Sadly, I would swap it all (not the DC obviously) for a man who was warm, interesting and caring. That doesn't make me much of a wife!" - Actually that makes you a normal wife, IME. Within the bounds of what's legal, it's my strong opinion that everyone should aim for what they want. You DESERVE someone warm, interesting and caring, and your husband can either be that or he can't. I personally think you should talk to him about what you want from him, and if he doesn't take that seriously, you should find someone who CAN be warm, interesting and caring. Money really isn't everything, and there are other ways to live than being a paid lackey with financial freedom but no respect or love in your life.

Oh also, you said a few posts back that he doesn't ever insult you, but you said previously to that that he tries to control your clothes, called you fat and criticises your housework. That's kind of insulting.

He made a life choice to spend as much time as he does at work, and if housework is that important to him, I doubt it's impossible for him to alter his situation so he can prioritise the ironing more.

I am not a troll or a journalist!

What do I want to happen? I don't know, and am seeking answers. I suppose I wanted to get a feel for what is "normal" within a marriage because one assumes that everybody else lives the same way as oneself. I have posted a few times now on MN and name changed because I have found I am way out of line in many, many ways I am not quite sure if you are all for real because A) how do you find so much time to be on MN? and B) how do you stay married when you are so feisty? This is not a criticism, it's jealousy.

Hmmm....I have a dilemma - I want to work for selfish reasons: independence, self-esteem, mental stimulation but know that somebody needs to be home for the children and that we can well afford for me to be home so it is difficult for me to justify working. However I never applied for a job as a housekeeper because I don't enjoy housework/ cooking/ ironing. I also know that we can well afford for me to be home AND for us to have as many staff as I need/ want BUT I feel dreadful paying others to do work I could perfectly well do ( I can justify it when I am working myself). And DH doesn't like me spending money either. Until I realised that I was way out of line I would never have bought myself a coffee in a coffee shop because DH would say that I could make coffee at home, we take sandwiches to the National Theatre and the opera because it is expensive to buy them there, and I rarely spend money on myself even though DH spends a lot on my jewellery and clothes. My DH has worked so hard to get our money (none was inherited even though we do both come from "posh" backgrounds) so he wants to hang onto it and not see it frittered. A RL friend told me to mention that DH monitors our food waste and berates me if I have more than a small bag a week. I guess that's not normal for someone who is hardly ever even home. Oh, it's not like he puts out the rubbish btw - I do that a 6.30am on a Monday. He walks past it at 8am on his way to the station. I would love for him to offer one week but don't feel I could exactly ask when I am to be home all day and he is working.

I tried an experiment this morning and asked DH to help unload the dishwasher and lay breakfast as I was very busy this morning as I had an earlyish train to catch to see my mother. Instead of helping he quizzed me on exactly why I had to do each of the tasks I had to do (walk dog, empty dw, prepare packed lunch, put away Ocado shop that came at 6.30, hang out the washing, take DD2 to school, sweep the kitchen).

I guess I want to rid myself of guilt for being a SAHM who spends money - I might enjoy being a SAHM if someone else was doing all the housework and I simply went to exhibitions and lunches and Ascot and Chelsea Flower Show which is what lots of my friends do. But more than that I need to find a way to be a SAHM but retain DH's respect. Oh, I do also manage our investments (and have spent today helping my mother with hers) and run a very small property business from home which also takes up a surprising amount of time, so I am not quite lazing around although I do find time for the gym most days (I don't watch TV though as I don't find time...hmmm..perhaps I should).

Sigh, I guess I was also hoping to be told to "count my blessings" and not resent the fact that DH never helps when he pays for everything and to be reassured that no woman could want for more. I guess I am also simply lonely and looking for answers. There is no point leaving DH as I hardly ever see him anyway so it would be no different and it would be upsetting for the DC for no particular upside.

OP I think you need to stop worrying about other peoples marriages and decide whether you can accept your own.

My DH works in the city, is a director, works long hours and is emotionally detached by nature, he is not controlling of me but i suspect he has mild OCD as he definitely likes things just so, he is blunt at times and if i ask him if he likes something or not he will tell me honestly and tact is not a strong point - that being said i rarely ask because i like to look how i want not how he wants me to look. He is not good when I am sick and tried his best when I had DS but it was hard for him to deal with me not just being in control of everything and being fit and well.

I work full time and DS is looked after by a combination of nursery and a nanny, I could stay home but I don't want to and we have a cleaner who comes once a week to help with the housework, shirts got to the dry cleaners for ironing and I tend to take care of the rest - shopping, laundry and so on. He will make me a cuppa - does every night when I crash in front of the telly and he disappears up to his office to work, surf the net, deal with the household stuff

We are intimate in phases - when we are both busy and stressed there are weeks we don't see much of each other, but we make time to watch a movie, go to dinner or have a night out a few times each month

For alot of people the level of detachment in our relationship could be mistaken for a lack of love or care, but it is more that we both require time for ourselves ahead of time a as couple. When dh gets home from work I know he needs some space to clear his head before launching into family life and I give it to him, likewise if he comes in and I am immersed in a movie, he lets me be

Its about deciding if the relationship works for you. If you put it out there on here people will judge you by their own standards and preferences

Your life does not sound so bizarre to me - it sounds like you are disatisfied with aspects of it - but it is in your gift to change it. Speak to your dh about how you feel - when I feel that dh and I are becoming too distant - which happens easily in the hectic schedule we both have I tell him we need to spend some time on our marriage and he responds - he is not the sort of guy who would notice, and i knew that when i married him ..

talk, thats the best advice i can give you, and don't compare your relationship to others

hear hear cheepz

Why would you feel guilty about being a SAHM who spends money?
The two are not mutually exclusive!

Your daughters are 13 & 16-if you want to work, work!

They are old enough to get themselves up & ready for school & be OK for a couple of hours in the evening.

And wrt feeling guilty paying someone to do something that you can do-if you can afford it, why not-you are creating employment.

And as many others have said, no one goes to the grave wishing that they´d done more housework.

If you´re going to stick with this man you might as well have things as much your way as possible-he does.

"RL friend told me to mention that DH monitors our food waste and berates me if I have more than a small bag a week. I guess that's not normal"

Well, I certainly don't think it's normal.
'Unheard of' perhaps?

Sorry onsabbatical, your posts just make you sound very unhappy, and I was finding it hard to believe that someone could actually end up in such a predicament. I realise that in itself is a silly view though, and says more about me taking my own situation for granted than it does about your posts or situation.

"A) how do you find so much time to be on MN?" -at the moment, I'm 10 weeks pregnant and any fast movement makes me dizzy, so have been given some time off work. I do do other stuff in between posting on here though, honest!

"and B) how do you stay married when you are so feisty?" - I'm not married, but am in a committed relationship. My partner said something to me once, after we'd had an argument and I'd felt like crap for blowing up about something, and started going into a self-deprecating apology: "Listen. Don't ever lose your fire." I think some people appreciate feistyness more than others, and some even see it as a good thing in a relationship. I think it should always be seen as at least tolerable, but that's just me.

I also think that "independence, self-esteem, mental stimulation" aren't selfish reasons for wanting to work and are perfectly reasonable aims.

I've known plenty of couples with children of varing ages where both work (and some single parents who work!), and in some cases the increased income is used for additional help around the house, in others they both have to work just to get by. If you can place yourself in the the category of being able to bring in help then you are indeed lucky, and if you can afford it then I say go for it. Espeially as working would mean you have some (or even more? you mention investment managing and property business) input into the actual finances, thus hopefully giving you more confidence to say where some of the money goes.

I don't really understand why there's such an issue around money and spending, if you've been working for the past several years and have just taken a year off because of your daughter's health. Surely that means that you've both contributed equally to the marriage and just made a different decision temporarily? Or was he controlling about the money and housework when you worked, too? You do plan to go back to work, right?

And if you manage the investments and run a property business from home, you are contributing to the finances. Why all of this "he pays for everything" stuff? It's not even true!

It's also not true that he wants to hang onto the money and not see it frittered away; look how much he spends on ornamenting his trophy your clothes and jewellery. He just wants to control your spending.

Those of us who stay married despite our feistiness have married men who see us as individuals worthy of their respect, who enjoy our personalities and an equal exchange of views between peers. We haven't married men who see us as trophy wives, who believe that we are employees whose expenditure, work habits, appearance and personal habits are something that can be bought and sold.

Your husband thinks he is more of a person than you are; that he is the master of the house, who gets to treat you as a domestic appliance with a sexbot attachment because he earns the money. He thinks his contribution to the household is more important than yours, and that your autonomy stops where his desires begin.

"No upside" to leaving a man who makes you feel constantly guilty and attacked, unattractive, lacking in dress sense, frivolous for spending money, scrutinised in the smallest aspects of housework, lonely, and who offers you a life you'd swap for someone warm and caring.

Seems to me there's no downside, frankly.

Why do you need so much money? I understand that your husband's job requires huge commitment, but it doesn't sound like it makes any of you very happy. Why can't he do something else in 45 hours for half the money? It's not like he's doing three jobs to keep a roof over your heads, I honestly can't understand why anyone would choose money over happiness.

And if you're as rich as you say why the hell does he care that birthday cards are a waste of money??? And if he really is that tight, they can be obtained for less than £1, or he could spend about five minutes making one and print it off his computer. If you have money, why not enjoy spending it? Don't get it, sorry.

If you are real, I feel sorry for you, your husband (does he not understand that YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU) and your kids. I wouldn't swap with you for all the tea in China. Your priorities are just bewildering.