Why do you think the MIL hatred thing is so prevelant?

[mrspir8]

Just wondering...I am not by any means dissing anyone choice of thread subject or current situation. If half the MIL threads on here are true then some of you are having quite a shitty time with yours.

I love my MIL, she is a loving, warm, freindly, funny woman. She is kind, helpful and non judgemental. Dont get me wrong, she irritates me to the point of distraction sometimes, she is so damn polite and unassuming that she never says what she really wants to do and never takes part in any decision making of family events etc.She also never lets my husband know if they are poorly or anything because she couldnt bear that she had inconvenienced us in anyway. But I still love her. She is my husbands Mum and a wonderful Grandmother. I wish she lived closer.

In contrast my own mum, although I love her heaps and heaps and cannot bear the thought of her not being in my life, is bone-achingly negative about everything, overbearing and often critical. I have sought to make things better recently and not really gone the right way about it, consequently we have had a rocky ride especially since my daughter was born. Things are peaceful at present.

For example, do you think that I enjoy a better easier relationship with with my MIL because my relationship with my own Mum is so unpredictable? Is this a factor in the relationship at all, for you?

or is it possibly some deep biological alpha female thing?

i think to be fair, for everyone on here who says they can't stand their MIL,someone will come on and say they love theirs. Just life i guess.

My MIL sadly died just after i met my hasbnad, but I now have the dreaded SIL

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!

husband

I have a wonderful relationship with my Mum. She is everything you could want in a Mother and more. She helps without interfering and dotes on my children. If I can do half as good a job as her then I'll be happy.

My MIL is an entirely different kettle of fish. I could fill thread after thread with the ways in which she pisses me off. That said, if she needed me I would drop everything to help her because "at the end of the day" (God I hate that phrase) she is family too.

Tbh I've given up trying to analyse why our relationship is so strained.

Peter Kay said "I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour Said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough."

I think for many women it's the expectation that you will treat this woman who is an adult you didn't grow up with and maybe have little in common with as a sort of second mother. Also the expectation some MILs have of younger women in the family deferring to them. Men have problems with MILs too, hence the jokes and a few men I know wish their wives would see less of their mothers and I expect a dadsnet would be full of men moaning about their MILs.
I think MILs get moaned about more than FILs possibly because some women don't have jobs and hobbies as much as men and tend to be more "my family is my life" than men, most men probably aren't as fussed about phoning and visiting their offspring and fussing over babies.
I don't believe inlaws are "family" in the same way your blood family you grew up with are. I think with nonblood relations you do have to behave with more tact and treat inlaws as new friends you have to get to know, rather than storming in with a "she married my son so she's now part of my family and that's MY grandchild" attitude that some MILs seem to have.
Having said that there are also women who moan their MIL never sees the kids so some women can't win. I'm never sure here why the FILs don't get equally berated for not being interested in the kids and wanting to do endless babysitting.

My rule about MIL is that she can come round whenever she likes as long as DH is going to be there...no DH...no MIL.

I don't know why it is,I wish I had a closer relationship with my MIL,it would really improve my life,but I don't.I have always made an effort with her,but to no avail. She doesn't do anything for the children,and she is fairly bitchy a lot of the time,so its just a duty to have her here and that seems so sad,I'd like to have a MIL like you OP!

I've never visited inlaws or had them round without my husband. I've also not used them for routine childminding and that probably makes a difference. If your inlaws look after your kids then you'll obviously see more of them and it won't be in the "family visit" context we see ours in. My husband doesn't casually visit my parents and they don't casually visit him either.

I think it's got something to do with female insecurities about other women.

Control.

Women want to control their families, whether it is the MIL who can't let go of her son or the DIL who wants to control her family.

Personally, I think the women who bitch about their MILs unnecessarily are the nightmare MILs of tomorrow, because they will still be trying to control their family and will tussle with their DIL over their son.

I think in most cases, people's own mothers are just as much of a pain in the arse, but you're used to your own mum, and obviously love her more so you forgive her, iyswim?

I certainly don't hate my mil, she just gets on my tits a lot occasionally.

accidental - that reminds me of something I heard on the radio (a comedian) saying that a woman was run over by a truck near her son's house and the dil said "oh my god, that could have been me"

"but I can't drive a truck."

And that joke about the mil who died in israel and the son in law was asked if he wanted to have her buried there. Not a chance, he replied. Several thousand years ago a bloke was buried here and three days later he came back. I'm not taking any chances!

Poor mils. They do get a rough ride. Hated and the butt of many, many jokes.

I wonder if it's a competition thing? Who's most important to the son? Troublesom mils are the ones who want to keep mummy's likkle soldier. no woman will ever love you are much as mummy?

Or dils who see everything as a criticism?

I dunno. People are weird.

fwiw, I love my mil. She's fab. She lives 9000 miles away and we don't speak the same language.

I love mine, but within half an hour of being with her I want to scream. Same with FIL, BIL etc.

I think even the best case scenario is likely to have that 'irritation factor' because you didn't grow up with these people. Their ways are not your version of 'normal' and you can never quite relax. You feel like screaming WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT simply over the way they stir their tea.

So add to that any level of being over-bearing, or slightly selfish, or even fairly toxic, and you're fucked.

I don't get on with my mother at all but get on brilliantly with my MIL who has known me since teenagerdom.

I think there is some truth in that she treats me as an adult whereas my own mother doesn't. But generally I think it's down to personality. We are similar to a certain degree, have the same beliefs about childrearing etc, share some interests, similar political views and views on other 'big subjects'. Generally my MIL is a nice person who gets on with most people. I like her as a person as well as a family member IYSWIM. I would and do spend time with her independantly of dh as I enjoy it.

The reason we get on is as much to do with her as with me. It wouldn't work if one of us was a pain.

I do consider my ILs my family as well, but probably because a) we have no contact with my family and b) because I get on well wtih them and they are more supportive/loving than my family are.

WE see them alot (we live very close nad moved here in order to be close to them) and go on holiday with them every year. THey help us out a lot with ds and are very helpful with me atm as I have been ill.

I think it's the same with blood relatives. Some you get on with, some you tolerate, some you cross the road to avoid. DNA doesn't make relationships naturally positive, so the acquisition of an adult who society says you're supposed to get on with is likely to be even harder. Add to the mix the fact that an in-law by definition is significantly older, and therefore likely to have significantly different ideas about all sorts of stuff....

What Morloth said.

I think it is a control thing. Some dil just cannot stand someone else loving their dh/children and some mil cannot stand another woman loving their son and doing things in a different way. I think it is very sad myself.

To clarify, I have not always got on with my mil, I still don't at times, but I look back at some of my behaviour in the past and it was definitely down to my own insecurities and some weird need for my poor dh to have to prove to me that I came first before anyone else.

Thankfully I have grown up and don't play silly games anymore. I also grew a backbone and have now firmly established who is the boss when it comes to my children. No point in suffering in silence when mil holds baby for too long, as an example.

I've posted on here about my mil before, she is a lovely person and wouldn't ever try to hurt or upset anyone BUT she still doesn't accept that the apron strings need cutting - only last night dh and her argued because she has been harrassing us bills etc etc-doesn't think we can do anything ourselves.

I think you're right OP that it is alot to do with our own mums. My mum forced me to be independent at 13 and is quite stiff upper lip and all that (military upbringing) and I was in for a big shock with MIL because of that I think!

I think what someone said earlier about older women wanting the younger women in the family to defer to them can be true.

My relationship with MIL got a bit rocky when we were planning our wedding and again when DS was a baby. On both occasions she had definite ideas about how things should be done and was quite offended if we prefered to do things our own way. For quite a while after that we were polite to each other's face but both bitched to DH (poor man) about the other one.

However things are much better now - I'm almost tempted to say that I'm fond of her . I've always made an effort to involve her in DS's life, even when she's pissed me off, and that's what has paid off. She even admitted the other day that he was such a happy boy and that she thought it was down to me. If you knew my MIL you'd know that was praise indeed.

I think it's a relationship that really has to be worked at.

depends on the mil really? but even if they are quite nice, if you are expected to live with them for a long time, and dont get space from them then it leads to resentment, also when they boss you around and feel you have to obey them (commonly seen in asian culture)

a MIl is someone with a vested interest in your kids, but no emotional interest in you (necessarily).

i think possessiveness over their ikkle boy is the problem always raised - but it is the children that add a whole new dimension. Mil will want them raised according to her family beliefs. you want to raise them as per yours. grounds for conflict off the bat.

I could be you OP. I'm fond of my inlaws and we all sometimes go on holiday together. My realtionship with my mum when I had the children became a bit strained and think she was a bit jealous that I seemed to favbour the inlaws (they just seemed more interested and less judgemental. In my family - all my siblings and their partners get on ok with all sets of inlaws - I find all the negativity about ILs a bit strange. Hope I can get on well with any future DIL's as I only have boys.

PS - my MIL is also welcome to live with us if FIL died and she was lonely, as we would have welcomed my own mum. Its the FIL's thatwould be a challenge!

i should FILs don't have the same issues, as they geneally don't have strong beliefs about child raising (as their wife did it)