Why do you think the MIL hatred thing is so prevelant?

[mrspir8]

Just wondering...I am not by any means dissing anyone choice of thread subject or current situation. If half the MIL threads on here are true then some of you are having quite a shitty time with yours.

I love my MIL, she is a loving, warm, freindly, funny woman. She is kind, helpful and non judgemental. Dont get me wrong, she irritates me to the point of distraction sometimes, she is so damn polite and unassuming that she never says what she really wants to do and never takes part in any decision making of family events etc.She also never lets my husband know if they are poorly or anything because she couldnt bear that she had inconvenienced us in anyway. But I still love her. She is my husbands Mum and a wonderful Grandmother. I wish she lived closer.

In contrast my own mum, although I love her heaps and heaps and cannot bear the thought of her not being in my life, is bone-achingly negative about everything, overbearing and often critical. I have sought to make things better recently and not really gone the right way about it, consequently we have had a rocky ride especially since my daughter was born. Things are peaceful at present.

For example, do you think that I enjoy a better easier relationship with with my MIL because my relationship with my own Mum is so unpredictable? Is this a factor in the relationship at all, for you?

or is it possibly some deep biological alpha female thing?

pisces moon
it may seem weird but MIL is not my mother she is my dh's, I wouldn't expect him to have my mum round without me being there too, so i don't have his MIL round unless he is there. She wants to visit her son and her grand daughter,not me.
She has said some very hurtful and unthoughful things in the past to me, and I find it more helpful to all of us to have him there as a witness (or prevention) to anything else she says.

Both my husbands had a similar relationship to their parents to the one I have with mine ie no family feuds, being there when you need each other but living some distance away and all having jobs, hobbies and friends so there isn't this "my family is my life" expectation. Our parents had also moved away from their parents to get jobs.
If my son marries I won't expect his wife to be my friend or to see me without my son.
Obviously I'd like to see my son, and her with him, plus any kids they have, but I don't expect our lives to be intertwined and would see my DIL having friends to chat and shop with.
The way my son is he'll probably live in another country anyway as he's very independant and loves travelling.

I cannot see myself as a separate entity to my mil. She is a blood relative of my dcs - how dare I try to exclude her? My dcs are entitled to make their own minds up about the people they are connected to, and with the exception of physical or emotional abuse, I will not try to influence their emotions. I can say this, hand on heart as I do the same for my ex step children, who are welcomed by me and 2nd dh when they are in the area, as they are related biologically to my first dc. Thank you picses for your kind thoughts - I am trying to build some karma for when the dss grow up and abandon me for younger women!

PS Moaning about the MIL? Absolutely fine, esp on the anonymous internet. Letting it affect the dcs relationships/ putting your partner in a difficult position? Wrong.

'my mum I can tell her that and not worry about falling out because shes my mum but with my MIL I feel like I need to tip toe around her and I guess thats whats hard about it.'

I find the opposite-MIL is careful what she says and my mother has free rein because no matter what she says I won't fall out!

I would be utterly horrified if my DH didn't have my mother around if I wasn't here! She comes to stay and I go out. DH stays with her when he is out her way on business and I am at home. I spent an enormous amount of time, on my own, with FIL before he died-he could say things to me that he found difficult to say to his sons.
My mother comes to see us all , I find it extraordinary that she would want to see me and the DCs and not want to see him

I don't understand why people have DCs, spend their time loving and nurturing them and then the DCs are so horrible that only their own parent could love them-and that all parents are so dire that the OH wants to only see them if they can't avoid it!!

(If she has said hurtful things in the past -it is understandable-you have to exclude the toxic)

I don't expect to live next to my DSs 2rebecca and as I am 130 miles from my mother -and my other brother is 100 miles the opposite way, and other brother at least 170 miles from any of us and my eldest DS is 150 miles away-it is highly unlikely. I wouldn't live in their pockets but I do expect our lives to be intertwined. I expect to speak to any future DIL more on the phone than my DSs, because that is what women do (I chat far more on the phone to my SILs than my brothers). I would expect to be friendly with DIL's parents. My mother, PIL from first marriage and PIL from second marriage all get on perfectly well at family occasions and phone each other up etc.
My DSs are used to an extended family-not a small nuclear one. They like it like that-I can't see them wanting to change.

'Thank you picses for your kind thoughts - I am trying to build some karma for when the dss grow up and abandon me for younger women!

Don't worry grumpy pants-I am sure that what goes around comes around. If you have been difficult with your MIL and very grudgingly dsaid that you want your DCs to have a relationship, but without any friendliness, kindness and joy on your part, that is what the DCs take in and like 2rebecca think it is perfectly the norm because it is all they know. If they see you having a laugh and wanting to spend time together they will want you as a welcome part of the family and not just to provide the grandparent role as a necessary evil.

I think, generally, that if people come into your and your childrens' lives, you shouldn't build barriers that your dcs have to overcome. I am saddened by the mil threads because they are always so militant, and about winning a position. Other people are always really annoying at times, but I imagine the mils don't have it all their own way. Knowing that your mum loathes your granny is a lot worse than mum biting her tongue as granny proffers another biscuit.

It is all about possession. If you have a MIL who has always seen DC as my DC they are unlikely to change and they are quite likely to get a DIL who talks about my DC.

Bonsoir,

why are you always going on about these women with little education as though that means thay are of no consequence or that they are thick? I find that really insulting - some of the smartest people I know have 'little' education. It's not always a sign of intelligence - how much 'education' does someone need to pass muster with you?

Some interesting points. I am fond of and get on with MIL and my DH does have a good/healthy relationship with his parents and they 'NEVER' interfere (apart from MIL hinting that children come on better when they are baptised - she like her church, oh and rearranging my coffe/tea jars )

Some posters have given stories about mad or bad MIL (some truly shocking ones) but I wonder if the others who rail ad despise their MIL's for the hell of it might turn out to be the MIL's from hell in the future.

PRoblems with mils come from three things
mils
dils
dhs

I see a lot of posts on here where I think but don't say, you sound like a horrendous dil. Some mils can't win. Some are batty as hell and a lot of dhs seem very weak

My dh is very close to his mum but will also tell her if she steps put of line. I get on with her well and I value her opinion.

Scanty why do you not think someone's educational level is an indication of intelligence? Generally more intelligent people do better at school and are interested in education and want to go on to higher education.
I'm not sure what your definition of "smart" is if it isn't to do with being educated.

As most intelligence is genetic or environmental I don't think being of lower intelligence is something to look down on as it can't be helped.
Generally people tend to socialise with people like them though.

My experience is consistent with frickonastick - my DH has a very strained and difficult relationship with his mother. We married and had children and that difficult relationship essentially passed to me to deal with. After grappling with it for a while and wondering how and why I had become a controlling DIL with a difficult MIL - I passed the problem back .

I think there is another factor which has been touched on here. ie. being a mother when your children no longer need day-to-day mothering. From what I can see learning how to be a mother to adult children is difficult if you haven't let go gradually. My parents have mastered it beautifully. My in-laws less so. I have friends with the opposite situation, but I do wonder if it is easier to make the transition with a daughter than it is with a son.

2rebecca -

have to disagree. Many of the MIL's/FILS will not have had the oppotunities younger generations had. Now practically anyone and their dog can get to university and get a degree. Would have been almost impossible for many ILS years ago - doesn't mean that todays generation are more intelligent. If you meet a cleaner or check out operator, do you automatically assume that you are more intelligent if you are more educated and have a better job? I don't, though my education probably isn't high enough for you (no degree) and we naturally wouldn't associate in the same cicles.

or 'circles' even - that's what a lack of adequate education does for you !

I think the MIL always has such a strong bond and has had such a huge input into your other half's life that often it is really hard for them to back off and accept that their child has a new family now. As a mum, I can now understand that feeling - it's hard when you first send them to nursery or school. Imagine how hard it must be to let go totally and take a total backseat when they are doing something so important and difficult as starting a family. And where the mum does not do this effectively, along comes the MIL bashing threads. There is probably some element of competition/mutual threat thing going on below the surface too.

i'm a MIL ( A fairly young one )I have always worked. Had mat leave when DC were born.

Magdelena I have never acted subservient to anyone in my life and I don't expect my DD and DS to.

Always got on well with my MIL. She lives her life and I live mine.

We come together on family occasions, make the occasional phone call, send family photos.

I get on well with DSIL. He doesn't mind doing some maitenance around my home as my DS is pretty much useless in that area.

DS and DSIL were born two days apart and next week the two families will go out to dinner to celebrate their birthdays.

I think it works best if everyone has their own interests outside their families.

At the same time, DD knows that I will drop everything if she needs help in anyway.

I am very close to my MIL, tell her anything, she is wonderful.

My own mother I tell nothing, she isn't maternal, MIL is.

YANBU - some MIL's are angels !

'MIL's dislike their DIL's because modern women are free in a way they could never be and it makes them bitter as hell not to see us acting as subservient slaves to their DS's (as they did when they were DIL once upon a time)

This is utter rubbish! My mother is in her 80's she was never subservient-my grandmother, her mother, died before I was born but she was by all accounts a very feisty woman-she would have laughed like a drain if someone had told her such steroetypical nonsense and she would be well over 100 if she was still alive. Most MIL are much younger than 80 even-you are quite probably talking about intelligent women who were born in 40's, 50's or 60's and were free and are free!

It is all to do with possession. The woman who needs 2 weeks to bond with her baby-alone, can't stand 'dirty' strangers touching her baby,won't let a 3 yr old have a sleep over with grandparents, follows her 5 yr old around at parties making sure that he doesn't eat the wrong food,won't let her DC go on Brownie camp because she doesn't know Brown Owl well enough, can't let her 8 yr old walk to the post box on his own, cries when her 11 yr old goes on a school trip and won't leave a 14 yr old alone in the house-isn't going to magically wave her DC off into the distance when he/she gets to 18yrs and and leave him/her to it! They still think they can visit when they want, tell them what to think etc and along comes DIL who, hardly surprisingly says 'He's a big boy now'!!

(These are all example from people gleaned on here who don't see it as control and think that one day they will change-I don't think they will).

I've had to learn to manage my MIL as sadly she has problems being consistent and it's very difficult to trust someone like that once they've let you down. But I will say as long as she continues to be interested in the DCs I will make every effort to include her and facilitate her relationships with her grandchildren.

Not because I am a saint but because I want my children to learn that all family relationships are important and whilst she can be a nightmare she is still DH's mummy!

I suppose the subtext of that is if I turn into a loony MIL don't cut me off and let me see the grandbabies

nicely put picesmoon

jealousy-wife and mil both have a claim on the same man

Maybe Magdelena comes from a different culture-and I am being a bit hard on her. I just couldn't match up all the professional women that I know who are grandmother age and hold down responsible jobs and have never been subservient to anyone!
I doubt whether they had such problems with MIL in the past anyway. My maternal grandmother's MIL had 13 children! As my grandfather was the eldest and married in his early 20's his mother still had a houseful of DCs herself. They were as poor as church mice, so putting clothes on the DCs and food on the table was the table was the priority. Since the poor woman was pregnant and bfing for over 25yrs I doubt very much whether she had the luxury of theories on extended bfing, weaning etc and she most definitely would want her DIL to get on with it and wouldn't be visiting everyday and monopolising her grandchild!!
If the family had more money they pushed their DCs off to nursemaids etc so again I can't see them interfering over childcare!

It is only now, that women control their fertility,and treat mothering as a career that you get all the judgements on others and mothers not 'letting go'. If you had 13 DCs you would be very keen to give them freedom and responsibility!!

They don't have a claim-oldandgrey-there lies the problem!
The MIL should have let go long before he got married and doesn't have a claim. If she has done her job well he comes to see her and invites her around because he loves her, likes her company and wants to share his life.
The DH is an adult and he does it his way. Hopefully he has grown out of 'the world according to mummy' and she accepts that he has his own views. Even if the views are the exact opposite, it shouldn't make a difference to the relationship.