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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why do you think the MIL hatred thing is so prevelant?

181 replies

mrspir8 · 25/06/2010 21:52

Just wondering...I am not by any means dissing anyone choice of thread subject or current situation. If half the MIL threads on here are true then some of you are having quite a shitty time with yours.

I love my MIL, she is a loving, warm, freindly, funny woman. She is kind, helpful and non judgemental. Dont get me wrong, she irritates me to the point of distraction sometimes, she is so damn polite and unassuming that she never says what she really wants to do and never takes part in any decision making of family events etc.She also never lets my husband know if they are poorly or anything because she couldnt bear that she had inconvenienced us in anyway. But I still love her. She is my husbands Mum and a wonderful Grandmother. I wish she lived closer.

In contrast my own mum, although I love her heaps and heaps and cannot bear the thought of her not being in my life, is bone-achingly negative about everything, overbearing and often critical. I have sought to make things better recently and not really gone the right way about it, consequently we have had a rocky ride especially since my daughter was born. Things are peaceful at present.

For example, do you think that I enjoy a better easier relationship with with my MIL because my relationship with my own Mum is so unpredictable? Is this a factor in the relationship at all, for you?

or is it possibly some deep biological alpha female thing?

OP posts:
5DollarShake · 27/06/2010 09:20

grumpypants - I think like that too, with my DS.

I think it's easy to empathise when you have sons yourself. I wouldn't worry if I were you, I'm sure you'll be a lovely, thoughtful MIL and will have a good relationship with your future DIL.

grumpypants · 27/06/2010 09:32

thank you 5dollar - you are v kind. and the same to you

mousemole · 27/06/2010 09:43

Its a complex issue I think and different for each family. My MIL drives me to distraction as she is selfish, rude, thoughtless and tactless. After years of reflection I have realised what I dislike the most is the way DH is when she is around. When she says jump he says 'how high', if she is rude to me he never tells her she is out of line, if she is painful and obstructive he just lets her get away with it. All that used to cue big arguments between us, now I take a deep breath and realise he will never be able to stand up to her.

Bonsoir · 27/06/2010 09:46

"now I take a deep breath and realise he will never be able to stand up to her."

I know what you mean. Families let dreadful things pass because they know that challenging them will upset the apple-cart and no-one knows how to prevent that.

I now challenge my in-laws family's bad behaviour directly and stand up for myself. DP does the same in my family.

mousemole · 27/06/2010 09:55

Bonsoir, I know it's a sad state of affairs isn't it. As a strong willed, outgoing individual it takes a lot for me to keep quiet. I know that DH will never for example call her up and say 'mum, you were really out of line for telling xxx that she had gained a lot of weight when pregnant' ( for example). He just does not want to upset the apple cart and get into an argument with her/his dad.
Personally I really struggle with it as my large family is very close, a lot of fun and if someone pisses you off you tell them.
His family are not close, all tiptoe around each other and never tell each other about all the issues they have with each other. But, depite years of trying I am not going to fix his family and would rather concentrate my making sure my relationship with my dc is nothing like theirs.

Bonsoir · 27/06/2010 10:01

My DP was brought up by a control-freaky and uneducated mother, and a more educated but totally hen-pecked father. Hardly surprising, therefore, that he acquired the habit of tiptoeing round women and never challenged his exW outrageously self-serving attitudes.

He has now learned to stand up to both of them and life is a lot better!

mousemole · 27/06/2010 10:04

good for him - and for you I suspect for encouraging him succesfully to stand up to them.
My FIL is quite a nice guy and we get on well, he is also very good with dc so at least we have that I suppose !

Bonsoir · 27/06/2010 10:06

Well I wasn't going to have my whole life ruled by my MOL and my DP's exW! And I didn't want him to be a doormat with me either! So there was a certain amount of vested interest in teaching him a few basic concepts .

It's so odd, because he has been "the boss" of quite large service companies for nearly 20 years and has no problems at work telling everyone else what to do.

mousemole · 27/06/2010 10:12

same for DH - he is highly succesful in the corporate world and is forever bossing people around, which leaves me thinking why the heck can't he do it with his own mother. Luckily we don't see them that much - once every 6-8 weeks which is ENOUGH ! He's also no doormat with me which illustrates I think just what a hold/power she has over him. His sister is much better at dealing with MIL - doesn't take any nonsense and stands up for herself. When I do have a go at him about her he says. 'oh for heaven's sake she's an old woman, leave her alone, she's not going to change'. She's 62 which I do not view as old !!

MarshaBrady · 27/06/2010 10:14

Some mothers have developed finally honed methods of control based on guilt and 'love'. They are almost fool-proof!

Bonsoir · 27/06/2010 10:14

No, at 62 you will probably have her bossing your DH around for at least another 20 years.

My MOL is very ill with cancer, which has both reduced her ability to hold the fort and has made me soften up!

grumpypants · 27/06/2010 10:15

It's so depressing just reading all this relentless criticsm of women you are trying to 'put in their place'. Thank goodness I am highly educated bonsoir as maybe my future dil will have a tiny bit of respect for me. All this talk of challenging people and standing up to them - the dcs are half you, half them. It just makes me very sad.

Bonsoir · 27/06/2010 10:16

We have found, through trial and error, that an outrageously expensive designer bag for Christmas, that she can carry with her all year and show off to all her friends, goes a long way towards making MOL feel very loved by DP . It's a worthwhile investment.

mrsruffallo · 27/06/2010 10:18

Of course you didn't marry your MIL, but you can't expect a mother to give up her son just because he got married.
It's women being competitive and insecure.

mousemole · 27/06/2010 10:18

it could be 30 years Bonsoir, MIL's mother is still going strong at 90, but she is the loveliest warmest woman I have ever met. Strange eh ?!!

Bonsoir · 27/06/2010 10:20

mrsruffalo - I don't agree. When two people get married (or set up home and have children together), it is time to cut the apron strings for good.

Nancy66 · 27/06/2010 10:20

My MIL is great - she's German, very hippyish, really laid back and great company. we've become really good friends. We're having a weekend to Stockholm together soon.

On the other hand I look at my MY mum is with my sister-in-law and I cringe. She's a typical irish matriarch - her son is a prince, ie been raised to be bloody useless and can't do a thing for himself. My SIL is great and very patient but my mum is forever telling her. My boy likes:

his eggs done like this
his shirts ironed like that
his sandwich cut this way

...it's a mother and son thing. My mum is a totally different character around my bloke

MarshaBrady · 27/06/2010 10:20

I disagree about the insecurity. I still maintain it's a clash of cultural or social backgrounds.

mousemole · 27/06/2010 10:20

I like the handbag idea, but MIL would view such things as frivolous and entirely materialistic. An annual subsciption to 'Composters Monthly' might be a plan though...

borderslass · 27/06/2010 10:21

mousemole Age is no excuse my mil started being a spiteful cow years ago and she's only 71 now her dd is the same, think it runs in the females of the family as bil is the nicest guy you could meet.
DH kept asking if my mum was coming on holiday with us this year as he gets on with her fabulously and eventually she gave in, I suggested just to see his face about his mother coming and he was amused at all.

Bonsoir · 27/06/2010 10:21

I am about as far from insecure as you can get and it's nothing to do with insecurity - it's about wanting to run our family life the way DP and I decide together, not according to the way my parents led their lives or the way his parents led theirs.

Bonsoir · 27/06/2010 10:23

mousemole - like I say, it's trial and error! We went through quite a few dressing gowns, trips to the ballet etc before finally settling on über-bling the high-ticket, high-visibility, designer item.

mrsruffallo · 27/06/2010 10:23

What do you mean by 'cut the apron strings for good' though?
I have a 4 year old son and he is a big part of my life.
My family are very important to me. I would hope our close and loving relationship continues into his adulthood

mrsruffallo · 27/06/2010 10:26

But you can live your lives the way that you wish!
I feel it is insecure (in many cases) to feel threatened by your husbands mother.

Bonsoir · 27/06/2010 10:27

I have a very close and loving relationship with all my family because we have cut the aprons strings. We are independent adults with independent views on the world and different experiences of it, that we share with one another when we get together and also by telephone, email etc. Because we are intimate, we can share details and be close in ways that non-family members cannot.