Why do you think the MIL hatred thing is so prevelant?

[mrspir8]

Just wondering...I am not by any means dissing anyone choice of thread subject or current situation. If half the MIL threads on here are true then some of you are having quite a shitty time with yours.

I love my MIL, she is a loving, warm, freindly, funny woman. She is kind, helpful and non judgemental. Dont get me wrong, she irritates me to the point of distraction sometimes, she is so damn polite and unassuming that she never says what she really wants to do and never takes part in any decision making of family events etc.She also never lets my husband know if they are poorly or anything because she couldnt bear that she had inconvenienced us in anyway. But I still love her. She is my husbands Mum and a wonderful Grandmother. I wish she lived closer.

In contrast my own mum, although I love her heaps and heaps and cannot bear the thought of her not being in my life, is bone-achingly negative about everything, overbearing and often critical. I have sought to make things better recently and not really gone the right way about it, consequently we have had a rocky ride especially since my daughter was born. Things are peaceful at present.

For example, do you think that I enjoy a better easier relationship with with my MIL because my relationship with my own Mum is so unpredictable? Is this a factor in the relationship at all, for you?

or is it possibly some deep biological alpha female thing?

People do seem to be thinking that anyone who is a grandmother is some poor old lady who is subservient, down trodden and has never had a life outside her DCs or home! We probably talking about women in their 50's and 60's here!!!! No wonder they have problems with their DIL if they see them like this-I would feel quite violent! (and I am not a violent person). Some people don't have their first DC until they are well into their 40's.

Ooh dippy I know how you feel and am breathing with you, (sorry pisces, I think it definitely depends on the person as to who says "our baby" or similar) - my MIL frequently calls herself 'mummy' to my DCs and always says "oops, sorry, force of habit"!! A habit that she stopped using herself about 30 years ago !!!

When my MIL stays with us she doesn't help, although she does hover in the way but doesn't let me help when we stay with them as she sees me as their guest, but 10 years in I want to be treated like family and bossed about! Okay, well not bossed about but I would like to feel like I can make a cup of tea for myself and others without PILs leaping to their feet to help me!

BubbaAndBump - your MIL calls herself mummy to your DCs?! That would drive me mental!!

I think those of you who have good relationships with your MILs are so fortunate. Prior to the birth of DD, MIL and I got on fine - they (PIL) only ever wanted to see us about once every 2 months (we live a 10 min walk away, 5 mins from my parents) and it was all very relaxed. Since DD arrived, they want to control (yes, control) what we do every weekend. They expect to be consulted before we make any arrangements with friends as they want to see DD weekly no matter what. God forbid we go away for the weekend - how selfish of us. They see me as having ideas above my station: DH has little interest in cars, just wanted one to get us from A to B so when it came to buying our current one, I picked it, test drove it, pit a deposit down then got DH to have a look at it (he told me to just buy it anyway!!) They thought this was outrageous behaviour for a wife, who did I think I was?!

When DD came home from hospital, they were at our house 5 days out of the first 7 and got really narked when I told DH that I needed a break. Funny thing is, DH didn't see much of his paternal grandparents (MIL's choice) when he was growing up yet they want to force themselves upon us.

I'm dreading the summer hols as MIL will be off work and thinks nothing of dropping in without prior arrangement (I'm on maternity leave). So far, I have been out when she has done this but I shan't be answering the door if she catches me in.

Just to point out that I am very family-orientated and get on famously with my own mother.

'my MIL frequently calls herself 'mummy' to my DCs and always says "oops, sorry, force of habit"!!

That is just mad! No excuse for it! It obviously depends on the person saying it-so I take back what I said earlier. In some cases it is meaningless.

Just read your "mummy oops" post bubba. That is horrendous. You must have iron self control.

Pisces - that was kind of my point, getting upset about "our baby" type remarks isn't necessarilly (sp?) always reasonable , sometimes you're right, these remarks are totally meaningless and sometimes not. In my case, I think I was pretty cavelady territorial over my newborn which isn't reasonable just totally animalistic. And sometimes you have to ask whose problem is it? IN my case, I think its my problem.In bubba's its her mil's.

Still it is a big relief to vent unreasonable feelings on here in safety, instead of being arrested for ABH. (No, I'm not violent really!)

Thanks for understanding ladies, it does do my head in, even though it's occasional and I do believe it's a slip of the tongue, but one I might make to my friends' DCs as I use the word all day every day. Which is not the case with my MIL.