Why do you think the MIL hatred thing is so prevelant?

[mrspir8]

Just wondering...I am not by any means dissing anyone choice of thread subject or current situation. If half the MIL threads on here are true then some of you are having quite a shitty time with yours.

I love my MIL, she is a loving, warm, freindly, funny woman. She is kind, helpful and non judgemental. Dont get me wrong, she irritates me to the point of distraction sometimes, she is so damn polite and unassuming that she never says what she really wants to do and never takes part in any decision making of family events etc.She also never lets my husband know if they are poorly or anything because she couldnt bear that she had inconvenienced us in anyway. But I still love her. She is my husbands Mum and a wonderful Grandmother. I wish she lived closer.

In contrast my own mum, although I love her heaps and heaps and cannot bear the thought of her not being in my life, is bone-achingly negative about everything, overbearing and often critical. I have sought to make things better recently and not really gone the right way about it, consequently we have had a rocky ride especially since my daughter was born. Things are peaceful at present.

For example, do you think that I enjoy a better easier relationship with with my MIL because my relationship with my own Mum is so unpredictable? Is this a factor in the relationship at all, for you?

or is it possibly some deep biological alpha female thing?

But again, what do you mean by 'cut the apron strings'?

Independence. Not doing or thinking anything just because that is what your mother or father told you to do or think.

My biggest problem with MIL isn't my MIL at all, it's my DH. She lives in Malaysia and we live in Europe so we don't see her very often, but when we do DH completely changes personality.

I was talking to my lovely SIL (DH's brother's wife, so MIL is also her MIL) about it the last time we were there. What we reckon has gone wrong is that DH left Malaysia when he was still a teenager 30 years ago and never went back there to live, only for visits. So he has never developed an adult relationship with his over-bearing mother. BIL, on the other hand, lives close to his mother and has had to develop a back-bone. So although MIL drives my SIL nuts too at least her DH backs her up when things get too unreasonable.

Bonsoir do you expect your own ds to eventually just disregard you,your feelings,opinions just because there is another woman in his life?I believe a man's first loyalty should always be to his wife and he should defend her to the hilt if his dm is offensive towards her.I also believe that he should,if possible,consider the woman who bore him,raised him and will love him till she dies.That strong bond of love you felt when you first had your baby boy doesnt disappear when he marries.It is hard to 'get it right' as a m-i-l.You are either interfering or uncaring, you visit too often or not enough,you are lazy or you 'try to take over' and when you have dgc then the minefield expands as you almost need a d-i-l's permission to love them.
I have a good relationship with my d-i-l who is in Turkey.They invited me to stay when she ha dgd and I get on well with her mum.
Come on ladies give your m-i-l a break.

I agree, I don't like being judged, commented on and told what to do by someone else. I don't like it from my MIL and I wouldn't like it from anyone else.
I'd like to share my MIL's finest hour -
about 2 weeks after DS1 was born the IL's came to stay. I'd had a really traumatic emergency C section with DS and needed house guests like a hole in the head. Anyway, they stayed for 3 nights and we had an OK time all things considered. Cue 2 days after they leave and I get a letter in the post from her. To paraphrase, it said, 'thanks for having us but just wanted to give you feedback on your guest accomodation. I didn't enjoy removing all the baby paraphernalia from the bath before I could have a shower. There was no waste bin in the spare bedroom which is very inconvenient and the curtains don't shut properley in the bedroom so I woke very early with the light pouring through''

I can laugh about it now....

I don't have a DS - I have two DSSs and one DD. I do not expect any of them to take anything that anyone has ever passed on to them for granted - I want them all to question every single thing they do, always.

How does having a close relationship with your mother equate to not being 'independent' though?

mousemole

If you are very close to your mother in the childlike sense of wanting to please her and doing as she says, even when you are an adult, that is plain daft. And where a lot of MIL problems arise!

Not being funny, but you sound quite exhausting, bonsoir - I quite like having had mil and my mum having been there, done that so I don't have to 'question every single thing I do' (I am a bit lazy). I had not much to do with my paternal granny because my mum cdn't stand her. As I grew older, I got to know her a bit, and when she died (in my twenties) I went to see her just before, and stayed near the hospital (it shocks me that you seem quietly pleased your mil has cancer and has can no longer hold the fort). I wish now I had known her without my mum's colouring my views. My dad and paternal grandad died very very young, and now his side of the family is lost to me.

I have a ds and a dd - I encourage them both to express themselves and we have very frank and expressive family meetings!
I think it is wrong to assume that all mothers want to control their children throughout their lives- I believe that as a parent it's your job to nurture independence and prepare them for the world!
It's interesting to me how a close relationship between a son and a mother is seen as somehow unhealthy or controlling or a failure to 'cut the apron strings' once he finds a wife.

"(it shocks me that you seem quietly pleased your mil has cancer and has can no longer hold the fort)"

That is extremely rude, entirely untrue and you should apologise.

''By Bonsoir Sun 27-Jun-10 10:14:43
No, at 62 you will probably have her bossing your DH around for at least another 20 years.

My MOL is very ill with cancer, which has both reduced her ability to hold the fort and has made me soften up!''

This is the post that shocked me. I make no apologies for having been shocked. I retract the assumption I then made that you were quietly pleased; this was based on the evidence before me which you have now added to.

"made me soften up" = made me more indulgent of her foibles because she is ill. Where on earth do you read that I might be pleased?

to me, cutting the apron strings signifies that the man's (or woman's) no longer views "mummy" as the most important person in their life. My first fiancé was a prime example of one who had never cut the apron strings - in fact it was more like they'd never cut the umbilical cord! There was distinct "him and mummy" club whenever I went round to hers, most uncomfortable; and he deferred to her in all things, which was just fucking infuriating. And she of course capitalised on it.

bum - I meant man or woman - changed what I was typing and didn't go back and correct the grammar

I think it comes down to personality rather than status, if you see what I mean. I do not have a MIL anymore, she sadly died quite recently, but my maternal grandmother was the MIL from hell. (She was not that great as a mother either).She prided herself on being a 'matriarch' and enjoyed having her children and her children's spouses dance attendance on her like a queen. Seriously damaged relationships IMO. I could not bear her. She kept them at her beck and call through emotional manipulation and playing people off each other. Playing favourites. My mother has a bit of that, but in a more passive aggressive way 'oh, but i love you SO much and that is why ...' .

My paternal GM on the other hand was warm, all embracing, loving, but treated her children like adults, and independent adults. She was a great MIL.

i dont know any woman that has a MIL issue, where the son has a good/healthy relationship with his mother.

in other words, in my experience, women dont have MIL problems they have DHs with mother problems.

iyswim

I agree with frikonastick

My MIL put me through a horrid time. She tried her best to convince me to abort DD1, offererd to go halves on the cost. Then tried to split me and DH up. Basically we got on until me and DH got serious. Then she didn't like 'loosing' him. She was scared in the house alone etc. DH felt very guilty. Then she expected to visit daily and be 'close' to DD. But nher idea of 'close' meant doing everything with DD. Taking her abroad (without us) etc. She was determind to ruin our wedding but I refused to let her.

It felt that she wanted DH and DD but NOT me. She often said why don't I stay home? (and DH come with just DD). She said that she and DH were 'the family' and me and DD was DH's 'extended' family!! She was rude and cold to me and often never spoke to me, just snatched DC off me. She often brought 'presents for eveyone' and handed them out of a bag to everyone (inc DH) except me. Even DH was embarrassed.

FIL (they are divorced) is lovely and we all get on great.

10 years after that we all get on OK and things are civil but she had to back off. She still has her moments and rarely takes DC out (her choice) but she sees them quite often (lives a few hours away now but see every couple of months).

My mum included DH in everything from the start which is why they get on.

frikonastick has nailed it - that's exactly how I see it too.

Bonsoir I thought you probably didnt have a ds.I have 2 dss and 1 ds 1dsd and 1 dd.I have 5 inlaw dc and 9 assorted grandchildren.The only one with whom I have a difficult relationship is dsd.
I love my d-i-l and 2 sd-i-l very much indeed.I also love my s-i-l and my dd gets on well with her m-i-l.We all share childcare etc.I remember when my dd had her first ds her m-i-l said to me,'I know you will be number one Granny'and I replied ,'I wont;we will be first equal.'And I truly believe we are.

I have a MIL and a Step-MIL. SMIL is great, helpful and not over bearing.

MIL and I have had an up and down relationship. Its been on a downer ever since DD was born because she is overly obvious in her favouritism of DD over the boys, which makes me upset. If DH or I challenge her then we are mean, and we get the waterworks. She has views on things that I dont share, but she still tries to enforce them anyway. She has poor social skills and no tact, which grates on my nerves.

I dont think its always about control, I think its about a clash of personalities.

My MIL is just awful. She wants to control my children in every way she can. She phones at least 5 times a day, often more than that. She used to turn up unannounced every day, her favourite time being kids bedtime, so dh asked her to ring before she came. So she stopped coming. She told me that my home was her house, that all out belongings were her's since dh was her son, whenever she comes here she just helps herself to all my stuff, so I put a lock on my door. She even took my underwear, and no we are not the same size.
I could go on and on, she is horrible. She makes fun of my sons who have autism, the woman is nasty. She has not one redeeming feature, I do not exaggerate.
I have not aggreed to a visit from her for two months, because the last time she was here she slapped my 3 year old son. She is no longer welcome in my house, and my dc do not need a relationship with that venomous bitch.
I know I will be a better MIL than her.

Squashimodo