Why do you think the MIL hatred thing is so prevelant?

[mrspir8]

Just wondering...I am not by any means dissing anyone choice of thread subject or current situation. If half the MIL threads on here are true then some of you are having quite a shitty time with yours.

I love my MIL, she is a loving, warm, freindly, funny woman. She is kind, helpful and non judgemental. Dont get me wrong, she irritates me to the point of distraction sometimes, she is so damn polite and unassuming that she never says what she really wants to do and never takes part in any decision making of family events etc.She also never lets my husband know if they are poorly or anything because she couldnt bear that she had inconvenienced us in anyway. But I still love her. She is my husbands Mum and a wonderful Grandmother. I wish she lived closer.

In contrast my own mum, although I love her heaps and heaps and cannot bear the thought of her not being in my life, is bone-achingly negative about everything, overbearing and often critical. I have sought to make things better recently and not really gone the right way about it, consequently we have had a rocky ride especially since my daughter was born. Things are peaceful at present.

For example, do you think that I enjoy a better easier relationship with with my MIL because my relationship with my own Mum is so unpredictable? Is this a factor in the relationship at all, for you?

or is it possibly some deep biological alpha female thing?

I agree with frickonastick also.
My husband sees his mother 5 times a year,
and thats only if he has to...

grumpypants - i'm sure you'll be a great mother in law with a great relationship with your future DIL. in my family all my aunts who are MILS (8 of them!) get along great with their DILS and see their GC's very often, almost too often! i honestly believe that if sons come from a close, loving family (like the males in my family) they won't let any future partner jeopardise that (unless of course their is a valid reason)

frickonastick

i think thats very interesting..does anyon ehere have a DH with a good relationship with his mum that they don't get on with??

My DH loves his mum, but doesn't like her much IYSWIM... my relationship is based on doing what i feel to be right, rather than liking.

lol EAP, i guess the deafening silence is all the proof needed!

nope, my dh loves his mum and tolerates her but isn't close to her, never has been close to her and views her as a pain most of the time. Hence why I have a similar experience with her.

It's very true frickonastick. As I said earlier my DH never developed a proper adult relationship with his mother. He's very difficult to live with when we are visiting MIL, much more so than MIL is. It think it's because he's conflicted about his relationship with her.

It's true that she's annoying and demanding and strong-willed, but no more so than any other elderly woman. DH takes the 'honour your mother' thing way too far though. He will never contradict her, nor allow anyone else to do so. If we have plans to do something they will be cancelled immediately if she makes the mildest suggestion about doing something else. He won't mediate on behalf of his DC for fear of offending her. For instance when DS was 18 months we stayed with her and she had open containers of rat poison on the floor in the corners. DH was explosively angry with me for telling him that he should ask her to move them because "she knows best" and I couldn't "just come into her house and take over". I picked them up and put them out of DS's reach, MIL had no problem with that.

TBH MIL and I get on with each other better (in a chilly but polite way) when DH isn't around, and it really shouldn't be that way.

'My rule about MIL is that she can come round whenever she likes as long as DH is going to be there...no DH...no MIL.

I think that this is dreadful! Why not? I would have sorted this before they got married. If I get to be a MIL, I will have every expectation of being a friend and doing things with DIL on our own-long before there are any DCs. If the DIL has a problem I would want to sit down with both of them and discuss exactly what she had against me, and what I could do to sort it out. You can't have a family where you are merely tolerated and can't be seen without DH.

I think that frikonastick is right and it is nothing to do with MIL problem it is DH and the relationship with his mother that is the problem. Either that or the DIL is deeply insecure and has poor family relationships within her own family.
I can't imagine my DSs marrying a woman who won't see his mother unless he was there!

My mother does just as much with my SIL as she does with me. They actually like each other! It is possible.

I agree with Bonsoir and Frikonastick. As children grow up they need to become increasingly independent and form their own opinions, ways of living and develop respectful and mature ways of interacting with their parents.

My DS is only 12 and already he is absolutely not the baby boy that I brought home from the hospital. We set these patterns of healthy relationships with our adult children by accepting when they are young that they are they have their own personality and they are not ours to shape and control how we see fit.

Most MIL problems are caused by a man who does not have mature and equal relationship with his parents. It is not about how close he is to them, but whether or not that closeness is a meeting of equals.

I think we have to look at the things we criticise each other for on MN, and ask ourselves how much these things really matter, and if we can just overlook them and let go when it comes to our grandchildren, or we will become problematic grandmothers.

I think it's partly a function of generations of bright, capable women "giving up" any chance at a life of their own in order to cosset and smother their children

thus a lot of the "hatred" (not sure that word is right) comes from the MIL rather than from the DIL

most of us would find it difficult NOT to grow to dislike someone who resents our presence and who would like to see the back of us

I was away with DD for a long weekend a few weeks ago, while DP remained in Paris with the DSSs. DP's mother basically expected, implicitly, DP and the DSSs to go to her house for every meal/to see them every day. She obviously feels that I control access to her son and grandsons (when they are at our house).

But DP and the DSSs didn't expect or want to go to POLs every day/for every meal, and had a hard time getting out of it.

Sometimes I wonder whether MILs don't blame their DILs quite unfairly for preventing them for seeing more of their sons! Easier to blame the DIL than realise that their sons have grown up and no longer need them.

I agree - DH is not close with his Mum at all, infact I didnt meet her for 2 years into our relationship, as she never used to visit, and DH didnt either. Its only when we had the DC's that her visits became regular. I think DH tolerates her.

'My DS is only 12 and already he is absolutely not the baby boy that I brought home from the hospital. We set these patterns of healthy relationships with our adult children by accepting when they are young that they are they have their own personality and they are not ours to shape and control how we see fit.

This is the central point that everyone needs to remember! Bringing up a DC is all about letting go-gradually. Accepting them as they are, rather than as you want them to be. So many people want control over all sorts of little things. The parent who won't let them boil a kettle in case they scald themselves, won't let them stay in the house by themselves, walk to the corner shop etc etc isn't going to suddenly let them live their own life a 18yrs!
You may be a left wing, vegan, artist-however you may bringing up a future Tory,meat eating, accountant. Why should this effect your relationship?
If you start early by assuming that your DC will make up their own mind and not expect them to say 'I think so and so because my mummy says so (and my mummy knows!)'
Giving birth doesn't mean that you can tell your DC what to think.
MIL problems arise with MIL still thinking she is right and along comes a woman who says 'actually, mummy isn't right-she is a loon!'

Piscesmoon, your DIL does not have to live up to your expectations, or sit down with you and your son and be told she has to be your friend and spend time with you. You cannot force friendships to be develop by insisting upon it. This would not work in any other friendship, and so there is no reason to think it will work just because you have your son in common.

Maybe that is at the heart of the MIL/DIL issue. You are really more like work colleagues or neighbours. Sometimes wonderful friendships develop with colleagues and neighbours and sometimes they don't. When they don't, you can still be pleasant and civil when together.

What is important is that the grandchildren and grandparents develop a good relationship, and when DILs are at fault it is usually because they don't let that happen.

Exactly Bonsoir! My MIL would love to blame the fact that she doesnt see her GC every day on me, but it has nothing to do with anything I do. DH wont take them over to her, which has nothing to do with me either.

Quite right MillyR-I get carried away! See my last post which is a much better one! What I really meant was that if I wasn't seeing DIL on her own I would be trying to talk to her and put it right. I don't think that it will be a problem-I have already seen all DSs girlfriends on their own-they like chatting to me and I love the female company after an all male household!(still friendly with the girlfriends after they have split up)

Piscesmoon - I know that you might have trouble dealing with it, but not all problems come from the DIL.

I have the same rule, MIL doesnt come over unless DH is there.

I actually think it is wrong to generalise too much on this subject - because there are all sorts of situations out there that don't neatly slot into categories. Even the DM/DS relationship isn't always the primary problem.

And sometimes grandparents should be kept as far from the DC as poss, in the case of toxic families - because the chances are they will continue to be toxic - so many threads show that on here.

I also think that the generation thing will show a different perspective, as more women of this generation have led fulfilled lives and therefore not be horrified/jealous/resentful/whatever when their DIL does the same. (notes that this is a generalisation and therefore inapplicable to many)

Piscesmoon, I think your post just made me a bit guilty because I don't always find time to see the all of the people who I should see, even if I like them very much. That is at the cause of many MIL threads on MN, where either the MIL or the DIL has made unequal time for people.

"Piscesmoon, your DIL does not have to live up to your expectations, or sit down with you and your son and be told she has to be your friend and spend time with you. You cannot force friendships to be develop by insisting upon it. This would not work in any other friendship, and so there is no reason to think it will work just because you have your son in common."

I completely agree with this. I think that the assumption of closeness with ILs is one of the root causes of frustration and disappointment with that relationship.

When I was little, my mother often used to say that, if [they] weren't our relations, we wouldn't ever have known them. She is quite right!

I think that my mother and grandmothers led fulfilled lives! I certainly have and have no wish or expectation of interfering in any way.
Luckily DSs girlfriends have all been very family orientated girls who get on well with all their own extended family. I think that if you are used to good family relationships then you automatically extend them. DS is staying with girlfriend's aunt this weekend-they know all our side and have stayed with my brother. She quite happily has made a friend out of DS's cousin.
We have combined 3 families in my family. People on here (not in RL) express surprise that DH2 sees my ILs from first marriage on his own sometimes. I don't find it odd-they are nice people.

'When I was little, my mother often used to say that, if [they] weren't our relations, we wouldn't ever have known them. She is quite right!

Maybe I am just lucky but I would like to know them-they are funny and warm and have made my life richer. I would have been very worried about marrying DH with poor family relations. It doesn't seem to occur to people that you can't pick your genes and you could well give birth to MIL in minature!

My ILs are very sweet Milly-when I aplogise for not getting in touch they always say not to worry-they know we are busy people.

Just want to tell you all that my lovely sd-i-l ran a Race for Life in my name today.I feel so touched by this.

I find my mum and MIL both very irritating but the difference is with my mum I can tell her that and not worry about falling out because shes my mum but with my MIL I feel like I need to tip toe around her and I guess thats whats hard about it.

I would do anything for my MIL as she is family but she really annoys me, one doesnt stop the other.

"It doesn't seem to occur to people that you can't pick your genes and you could well give birth to MIL in minature!"

Your MIL's genes might not be at fault though - she could have had a very hard early life and little education, as my MOL did. I do sometimes wonder where my DP's brains come from (and where his brother's came from too), because his parents' education was insufficient to develop any potential - and now they are old and in decline anyway!

I get on well with my mil and fil - I talk to them a lot more than DH does and also spend a lot more time with them when they come to stay as DH out at work.

In my case having 2 DS's has certainly made me think about how I treat my mil.

I particularly hate it when people on mn say 'well your his family now' as though as a mother you count for nothing.

I will try my best to be a good and considerate mil but some of the threads on here and conversations with RL friends just show that sometimes you just can't win. Either mil is too involved or not involved enought it seems.