I'm not against working Mums but this is going too far.

[Intefering]

Name changed regular.

A friend of mine has 3 young children with a partner in the military. He is due to leave in 3 or 4 years time I think.

Said friend has told me that she will be re-joining the Navy when her youngest starts reception in 2 years time, several reasons why, money issues, she's worried that after 8 years being a SAHM she will be unemployable, she loves the Navy and nothing else career wise interests her.

AIBU to suggest that this is a ridiculous idea?! I doubt she's considered all the time away from her DC, how her DH will cope picking up the slack at home on his own. Yes she may have loved the Navy but that's behind her and she should concentrate on her responsibilities as a wife and mother.

I'm trying to advise her as her friend but I can't see past her incredible selfishness, how can she have all these kids just to abandon them? She's worried that in 18 years time when all the kids have left home she'll be in a miserable job having watched life pass her by, I really want to tell her that she should of thought of that before getting pregnant.

AIBU and if I am can someone tell me how this will work because I really can't see it.

She will have left the Navy 8 years ago when she goes back in, meaning she will have to do the first part of training again. 9 weeks away from her kids.

No you aren't Interfering, you're being judgemental and unsupportive. SHE is thinking about her children more than she's telling you. You are NOT a good friend.

Interfering, in that case perhaps she should go back sooner.

9 weeks when they'll be with their father. She's not abandoning them with the next door neighbour

It's not going to be

Monday: Father arrives home from sea having left the military
Tuesday: Mother leaves home to go to sea for two years

though, is it?

And OP I assume that she is not thinking about her children? Fwiw children need good parental role models. Being a SAHM is fine if that is what you choose. Same for WOHM. Where it all goes wrong is when there is no choice and you end up with a parent who resents having to give up their opportunities. My ds has a very clear role model of his mother as a strong person who is able to provide the role of two parents, a house, car, holidays, school fees and plenty of time together. He is no better or worse off than his friends whose mothers choose to be SAHMs.

It seems to me that your friend is considering her children completely in the choices she makes. It is a shame that with your prejudice you are unable to do the same.

Extension - yes, the actual change over might be difficult for a little while. But I think that that is more than outweighed by the benefit that the kids will derive from having their dad around (DH, by virtue of being a different person with a different upbringing, brings different things to my DC, thinks of different games, gives different opinions).

Sure, it's ideal if neither career takes you away, but to clobber one sex for it and not the other is just blatantly sexist.

Would you be saying that the husband was being totally unresonable staying in the military (if he was going to), because at the end of the day, it's not that different.

I am utterly gobsmacked that a woman of the 21st century can think like this. Why is it OK for the DH do be in the forces but not her. Esp if he will be at home when she goes to work. Why can't DH do just as good a job looking after his kids as she can.

Was he abandoning the kids, should he have thought twice before getting his wife pregnant???? Should no one in the services have children???

how is the mum in the forces and the dad at home any different from the dad in the forces and the mum at home?

Your name change suits you op.

I doubt its going to be a sudden up sticks and leave her kids - plenty of time to prepare, and unlikely that all time will be at see.

We are a role-swap family, and its worked extraordinarily well for us - I stayed home for first year, then have been back in very demanding job that frequently sees me away from DD for periods for the last 18 months. Its never been a problem, DD is super well-adjusted, extremely secure in both her parents love for her, and has a brilliant relationship with both parents. Providing its handled well, no reason for judging at all.

Apparently I am as invisible here as I am in Actual Life (being a working breadwinner with a SAHD husband - oh, sorry, they don't exist, do they? They can't, what with Nature and other indefinable things getting in the way), so I'll say this again to extension and the OP:

There's an 18 month lead up in this plan. The mother is not going to turn around to her children one day and say oh, hey, forgot to mention it, I'm pissing off for nine months, here, it's time you knew, this hairy tall person who comes around from time to time is your Dad, he'll be looking after you, ok, gotta run, good luck!

Clearly, she's thought through the issues. She's chosen to stay at home while her childen are young and she's turned her mind to what she's going to do once the youngest is in school, and is planning ahead. I can't think of anything more responsible, honestly.

She's voiced all these concerns with me so clearly she's thinking what I am. I AM supporting her by not saying to her face that I think she's being selfish.

Oh FFS. Selfish

Heaven forbid a mother should ever be selfish! Sheesh.

Actually your friend has been very wise. I am friends with a couple who are both Navy, well, she retired 2 months ago. She loved her job very much and when she tells the stories I can see why. However, both serving meant that with timelines they could both theoretically be sent away to sea at the same time - and of course they felt that there should be one parent at home.

This is exactly what your friend is doing. She's waiting until her partner leaves the forces to ensure there will be one parent home.

professor - are we clones of each other this afternoon

Yes, you just say it behind her back to the world at large via a public message board. That's very supportive.

so hold on, shes being selfish. She has spent 8 years at home raising her children while her husband is away. They have had her at home doing things for them for 8 years! They will be fine, they have their dad and dads can do just a good a job as mums. She taking time for herself, getting her carer back on track and supporting her family with the money.
call me daft but i think your being Very Unreasonable

But she's not being selfish and a true friend would tell her that.

I still don't get why you think SHE is selfish but her DH is not in his career choice.

Ooh, I can just see the cats bum face and folded arms under bosoms, Interfering.

I wish I'd joined the Navy. It sounds ace.

Honeywitch, are you seriously suggesting that time spent with small children (as opposed to pursuing a career) would be time wasted? What a depressing attitude to parenting.
OP, I actually don't necessarily think that YABU. It depends on how the children feel about the situation, and how hands on the father will be with his children after years spent away in the military. As someone else has said, each to their own & all that, but it all sounds far for ideal IMHO.

Voiced her concerns is hardly the same thing as making an uninformed choice. Sounds to me as if she is thinking about it very carefully and might appreciate a friend who can have a full and frank discussion. Instead you are sniping behind her back and not supporting her at all. I really hope she is a MNetter, sees this thread and susses who you are in RL.