I'm not against working Mums but this is going too far.

[Intefering]

Name changed regular.

A friend of mine has 3 young children with a partner in the military. He is due to leave in 3 or 4 years time I think.

Said friend has told me that she will be re-joining the Navy when her youngest starts reception in 2 years time, several reasons why, money issues, she's worried that after 8 years being a SAHM she will be unemployable, she loves the Navy and nothing else career wise interests her.

AIBU to suggest that this is a ridiculous idea?! I doubt she's considered all the time away from her DC, how her DH will cope picking up the slack at home on his own. Yes she may have loved the Navy but that's behind her and she should concentrate on her responsibilities as a wife and mother.

I'm trying to advise her as her friend but I can't see past her incredible selfishness, how can she have all these kids just to abandon them? She's worried that in 18 years time when all the kids have left home she'll be in a miserable job having watched life pass her by, I really want to tell her that she should of thought of that before getting pregnant.

AIBU and if I am can someone tell me how this will work because I really can't see it.

Oh I have thoroughly enjoyed this thread - I am (almost) the OPs friend!

I am military. So was DH. Met and married whilst both still serving.

Got pregnant, had DD, went on ML.

When DD was 8mths DH completed his contract and became a SAHD. I went back to work.

DD is now 5. I complete my contract in 2 yrs. When I leave DH will go back to work full time (he does part time self employed around DD school hours at the mo) whilst I look for a PT job. DH only going back FT because he wants to (in business with a mate).

In 2 years time we will have a pittance of a mortgage (2 x gratuities = pots of cash) and be bringing in over £1K a month in pension.

Any money we make on top of that will be a bonus.

THAT is why we did it. Hard work now means an easier life later, plus I am bloody good at my job, and enjoy it!

I've not had to deploy for more than a month since having DD - but that is due to medical circumstances, so lucky/unlucky depending how you look at it. Yes that would be hard, but I have faith in DH and the knowledge that I was doing it for a better life for all of us.

When I have been away the joy at coming back makes it all worthwhile - and DD bloody loves telling people her mummy is a soldier!

That depends on your personal point of view. In the context of my life and that of my child of course taking care of him is incredibly important.

However I personally don't think that taking care of my ds is a more "important job" (whatever that means) than "working to improve world poverty" or " working to eradicate childhood illnesses" or " helping to stop people dying in the third world"

I look after ds because I love him but I have no compunction in saying that taking care of him does not fulfill ALL my needs as a human being. It fulfills my maternal needs but I don't define myself completely in terms of being a mother I really don't. It is part of who I am not the whole of who I am.

Bumbling - (last paragraph). Well said!

LtEve - It is so nice that someone with Military experience such as yourself has come on to explain exactly what the Ops friend is setting out to achieve- and why. It takes it away from the whole boring WAH/WOH/SAHM debate flim flam

As for you retiring early: me. Jealous much?

Yes

Caramel, thankyou , yeah, well my mantra is "I work hard now so I can choose to work later.

I just thought - my friend is even more pertinent to this thread.

Grew up in extremely poor family, very bad circumstances. Married first husband, terrible marriage but 2 wonderful kids. Divorced just as kids were school age, no support and working round the clock to try to make ends meet - children becoming a problem.

Joined military when kids were 7/8 - got shed loads of abuse for it. Children went with her to first posting, settled down and became the great kids I first met.

Friend went on first ever deployment (6 months) when children were senior school age - they were already in Boarding School (asked to go with their friends and Army pays almost all the school fees). Dad came back on the scene at that point, but kids didn't want to know.

Kids are now 18/19. Yes mum has had to go away at times (mostly for a couple of weeks on exercise), but considering she has been Army for 11/12 years now she has only had 3 6 mth deployments. Kids got fantastic education and huge extra benefits - horse riding, sports clubs, music and dance lessons etc - none of which they could have got in their home environment.

She is now in a position to be able to help them out with money/stuff if needed etc, one is still living with her and is in FT Edcn, the other working and in their own place. Both kids are a million worlds away from their cousins, all of whom had families that stayed in the same situation all their lives, and it shows.

My friend did it because she wanted to build a better life for her kids and for herself. She can served until she is 55 if she wants, and will leave with all the benefits I have.

She has a life of her own now that the kids are grown and is living it fully. She was 25/26 when she joined up and had never left her home town before. Her own mother died having never left, she didn't want to be like her.

I am shocked to see Op's - interfering
curry's
and shineys
posts. One poster said women were their own worst enemy. agreed. i am saddened to think that there are still women who think like this. about other women.
I choose to work part time. choose to.
sometimes i find mn really hard. i can't relate to someone. and their views sadden me.

Lt my mother would have approved - she always says she regretted spending quite so much time out of work when I was teeny, and in work when I was older. She also deeply regretted being unable to help out financially. (Mum was a single parent btw - father didn't come into the equation at all).

Why are mums needed more past the breastfeeding stage?

Wow I didn't realise this thread was so long

"AIBU" ... Without knowing how capable the father is, it's awkward to tell.

Lots have said that there should be no 'automatic' need for a Mum over a Dad, but it may also depend on how "well adjusted" the DH is to civilian life (assuming he does leave) nd how well he adjusts to full time family life.

If he's a drunken bully, but only when he's away, then it will depend a lot on how much things change at home again.

I've seen comments about 2010 not 1950, which I can see, but of course we don't know that much about the family dynamics when he is home.

To the OP - it is harsh of you to be criticising this friend and, let's face it, not your family to worry about. Nearer the time see how she thinks things will go when her husband is back and she is away/training.

Just be supportive and if you are still her friend (ie this thread doesn't come to her attention) make it known that if you can help, you will (but not to being free childcare if the bloke is a drunken bully who wants to go off drinking with his mates every weekend!)

[ disclaimer - have read 5 pages of 25 so far, and don't know what role this Mum is likely to be going into, but with so many other threads about unpleasant husbands/fathers it doesn't seem automatic that he will "cope fine" after being away for large chunks of time, nor that this reversal of "who is at home" will go down well with DC after so long. ]

bloody hell, network guy, you're a slow reader.

My husband left the military as he thought it was way too hard to be away from the children for a week never mind about 4 months/6 months det.

Some people can do it though butI think usually they arent really kiddy type people who put children before anything else. Nothing wrong with that but people just like different things.

Genuinely lol'd at Hecate

Well if he's leaving the army and she's going back to the navy what's wrong with that. I am sort of assuming that if DH stayed in the army - because of all the moves the DC will be going to boarding school anyway.

I started reading this, thinking it sounded familiar- no wonder since it is 6 months old!

Hecate

No idea how it came to be listed and took a quick glance, then saw how long it was but not the date... Maybe I saw something posted by someone in the thread and wondered if theirs was a wind-up... Ah well, time to eat lunch.

I have to travel for work. Usually for a working week every couple of months, sometimes more. Before I took the job, I consulted with a child psychologist about the effect of frequent parental absence on a child's development.

Her answer was that as long as:
a) the children are confident they'll be well cared for and
b) they know the parent is coming back and
c) they have a good relationship with the parent

then there's no reason for absences to cause any harm - and there are even some positives to it.

So I think you can rest easy about your concerns for your friend's children.

The original post is sexist to the core and the kindo f thing we need to stamp out in the UK. People should be much more sexuall neutral.

Most children where parenst work do better than those who don't. The children of the housewives are the ones who are often damaged.

YANBU

Children need their mothers everyday. No amount of money can make up for a mother being away for weeks at a time.

I can not believe some of the attitudes on this thread.

Xenia - Why are the sexes different in the first place if "people should be sexually neutral?"

"The children of the housewives are the ones who are often damaged." What on earth do you mean by that?

Is that true for Dads as well?

Children need their mothers everyday

No they dont. What a load of twaddle.

Ugh sorry for adding to the resurrection of an ancient post!!!

I guess it should be laid to rest for the next sexist mumsnetter to post a new AIBU but can see this one easily reaching the thousand post mark!

I think you may have a point OP but it is not all black and White

Not sure what the answers are but I think the children may be affected by this change

Is there an update on this?

i was on this way back in the day,rank then,rank now.was fun to be asked

why did you have children?

errrr durr to match em with fleet bugaboo of course

No one ever says to a man why did you have children.That proves the sexism of it.

I have had 5 children and always worked full time.

Children tend to like stability in their lives but most of all love and happy parents. A miserable working or housewife/husband parent is what tends to drag them down, all the studies show.

Plenty of women even those with large families work away and most of us ensure that our children are well cared for when we aren't there.