I'm not against working Mums but this is going too far.

[Intefering]

Name changed regular.

A friend of mine has 3 young children with a partner in the military. He is due to leave in 3 or 4 years time I think.

Said friend has told me that she will be re-joining the Navy when her youngest starts reception in 2 years time, several reasons why, money issues, she's worried that after 8 years being a SAHM she will be unemployable, she loves the Navy and nothing else career wise interests her.

AIBU to suggest that this is a ridiculous idea?! I doubt she's considered all the time away from her DC, how her DH will cope picking up the slack at home on his own. Yes she may have loved the Navy but that's behind her and she should concentrate on her responsibilities as a wife and mother.

I'm trying to advise her as her friend but I can't see past her incredible selfishness, how can she have all these kids just to abandon them? She's worried that in 18 years time when all the kids have left home she'll be in a miserable job having watched life pass her by, I really want to tell her that she should of thought of that before getting pregnant.

AIBU and if I am can someone tell me how this will work because I really can't see it.

See, you've taken it too far now Interfering. I can't take you seriously

You are being really sexist!

chickens - sounds reasonable. Plus I see, air hostesses and "business" people.

Who shall escape the rusty scalpel?

and of course dads matter. I didn't say they were unimportant.

She's not being selfish. She's pursuing her career which she has put on hold for the last few years to care for her children. now that their father is back, she has the opportunity to fulfil her ambitions.

It's really unfair that you (OP) think she is being selfish. She sounds to me like a good, positive role model for her children.

And let's not underestimate the contributions that our Navy and Armed Forces make (whether we agree with the various wars over the past few years or not).

YABU.

You aren't much of a friend.

Your friend is proposing to leave her children with someone they love and who loves them, with a loving Gran in the background also helping out, for 9 weeks while she does some training.

If she's planning it this far ahead, I doubt very much that she's "not thinking" of things.

And you have the nerve to patronise her and refer to her as selfish. Good grief.

But military fathers are OK, Male Pursars are OK, Daddies who go away on business are OK???

Thank the Lord not too many people think like this or we would be back two centuries in no time.

Dad's don't matter as much as Mums, then Interfering? How does your DH feel about that attitude.....

PMSL Profesor

Why have kids and then work away from home for periods? Because I'm a good mother in the time when I'm with DD, because even when I'm away from her I'm still a good mother and because if I didn't we would have no income, no house and no future. So stick your judgy pants on your head because you're being really, really offensive.

Oh my. You really didn't think this one through did?

Here at MN we don't buy into the 'men cannot cope as well as a woman would' crap. There are plenty of arsehole men who still believe that and women like you are the reason why.

If it is okay for her DH it is okay for her. She is not abandoning her children, any more than he was. Abandoning them would be leaving them home alone and never coming back. She is leaving them with their father (while she goes to work not 'swanning off'), who is also a parent to them. As in equal to the mother.

lol Profesor - don't worry I was most definitely being sarcastic

interfering - You did say fathers were unimportant. You said you didn't care if the Dad was away, but you think it's dreadful that the mother might be. That is exactly the same as saying that one is important and the other isn't.

Oh FFS sake, OP

She's spent eight years full time with her kids and wants a career now that the youngest is heading to school.

And now you're asking 'why have kids? About a woman who has given up her career for eight years to devote herself to her children?

How much more does she have to do? How many years, how many hours, does one have to spend with one's children to make it okay?

And bollocks to "I can't help how I feel". Yes you can. You need to open your eyes, listen, practise some empathy and think things through. You're not born with a set of intractable beliefs. A value system isn't genetic. What sort of pathetic whining loser can't imagine challenging their own belief system?

Agree with TAF. Dads are just as important.

I think in the very early years Mums are needed more, but Dads are excellent at the school age bit, ime anyway.

OP I can't believe your attitude of her being selfish. That must make you selfish too for being a working Mum, and all of the rest of us who work too.

Right he is a good parent working hard and earning a living whilst she is a stay at home parent. But as soon as she goes out to work and he becomes a stay at home parent she is a bad parent interesting.
Note to self my husbands career must always come first but I am the better parent What a load of bollocks

there is more to parenting than just physical presence.

op i think you might be a bit sexist toward your friend's dh. what about him? maybe he wants to stay at home and feels that he's missed out all these years?

"Stick your judgy pants on your head"

I'm not trying to be offensive and I apologise if I am being.

I'm just trying to get my head around this.

Indeed, Boss. Without wanting to denigrate the day-today stuff, there is more to mothering than wiping arses and cooking tea.

the thing is - children grow up, they leave home, and then you find yourself at a loose end.

You try and find work - but if you've sat at home being a martyr "good mother" for all those years, as someone else further up said - you can find yourself on the scrap heap.

So she's going to do a direct swap with her DH? It wouldn't be for me but it's absolutely no different to her DH being away and her at home. YABU and incredibly sexist.

The question of whether forces life is compatible with good parenting/relationships with children is another question - but not the one you are asking.

Maylee - not sure where that one came from! Am a tad annoyed by OP, as you can probably tell.

No, I'm sorry, that doesn't wash.

If you are just trying to get your head round something you do not pepper your OP with words like ridiculous and incredibly selfish.

I think you wanted (expected?) lots of people to agree with you and now that most vehemently do not, you want us to let you off the hook. Haven't you been around long enough to know we're a nest of vipers when you set us going?

"maybe he wants to stay at home and feels that he's missed out all these years?"

that's a very good point.

As for the coment further back of "it doesn't seem much of a life" (or words to that effect). Can't say any of my friends were badly affected by having a parent in the military, interesting quite a few of them went onto sign-up themselves.

If you're born into a family where one parent works away - then that's what you're used to - you can't "miss" or "pine" for something that you've never had. It's just normal.