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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm not against working Mums but this is going too far.

637 replies

Intefering · 25/06/2010 13:22

Name changed regular.

A friend of mine has 3 young children with a partner in the military. He is due to leave in 3 or 4 years time I think.

Said friend has told me that she will be re-joining the Navy when her youngest starts reception in 2 years time, several reasons why, money issues, she's worried that after 8 years being a SAHM she will be unemployable, she loves the Navy and nothing else career wise interests her.

AIBU to suggest that this is a ridiculous idea?! I doubt she's considered all the time away from her DC, how her DH will cope picking up the slack at home on his own. Yes she may have loved the Navy but that's behind her and she should concentrate on her responsibilities as a wife and mother.

I'm trying to advise her as her friend but I can't see past her incredible selfishness, how can she have all these kids just to abandon them? She's worried that in 18 years time when all the kids have left home she'll be in a miserable job having watched life pass her by, I really want to tell her that she should of thought of that before getting pregnant.

AIBU and if I am can someone tell me how this will work because I really can't see it.

OP posts:
mumblechum · 25/06/2010 13:32

Have you got the message yet, OP?

I hope you are reading this posts and absorbing them, and that you will support your friend in her perfectly reasonable and sensible decision.

withorwithoutyou · 25/06/2010 13:32

Don't know why but I'm sniffing one of those reverse AIBUs. This OP doesn't ring true at all.

Eglu · 25/06/2010 13:32

YABVU. She has given 8 years of her full attention to her children, which is wonderful for them. Her DH can now give his attention to them. It is sharing the joys.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 25/06/2010 13:32

Oh, I might as well be the first (which we all know is secret code for trip-trapping beasties)

thedollshouse · 25/06/2010 13:33

I don't think having both parents in the armed forces is desirable or sensible. However she has worked in the forces before so she is obviously aware of the impact it will have on her family, she isn't going into it blind.

I can't think of anything worse but each to their own.

babywalks · 25/06/2010 13:34

Intefering - please can you come back to the real world. Get a grip and stop being so jealous that your friend wants to do something for herself. Like KirstyJC said, do you just expect her to sit at home clock watching while her kids are all at school? You sound a bit nuts tbh. And I doubt very much her DH will see his parenting role as 'picking up the slack'

Original poster
Intefering · 25/06/2010 13:34

Perhaps I AIBU then.

I just don't think this is going to have a good affect on her children.

OP posts:
tortoiseonthehalfshell · 25/06/2010 13:34

Reception is what, 4, 5 years old? So why is the Mum needed more for a 4/5 year old?

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 25/06/2010 13:34

I couldn't do it, but she's not abandoning her DCs any more than her DH was abandoning them. If both parents were in the military and the DCs wound up dumped on relatives then I could see your point, but they are going to still have one parent at home and one away in the military.

YABVU

Missus84 · 25/06/2010 13:34

She wants to join after the DH leaves though thedollshouse - so only one parent is in the armed forces.

MollieO · 25/06/2010 13:35

One of the funniest AIBU posts I have seen in a while. Interesting you have chosen to name change. If you truly believed what you posted then I don't understand the need for that. Clearly you don't.

extension · 25/06/2010 13:35

If your friends is taking up a position which means she is going to be away from them for long periods of time then I dont think you are being unreasonable.

And I disagree with the other posts that say that it is no different to her DH being away. Of course it is. These children have become used to their mum being there for them and for them suddenly to be separated for possibly long periods of time is bound to have an effect on them.

RibenaBerry · 25/06/2010 13:36

Oh dear, oh dear.

I can see that having both parents in the armed forces could be difficult (assuming that both were in positions involving being deployed - there are plenty of 'desk jobs' too).

What you are effectively saying is "My friend's husband is a man. A man is allowed to have a challenging and time consuming career which he loves whilst his wife picks up the bulk of home duties. My friend is a woman. A woman is not allowed to do this."

Or are you the wife who wants to rejoin and your husband objects? Is this evidence gathering that he's still in the ark?

thedollshouse · 25/06/2010 13:36

I have just re-read the post and realised that her dh will have left the forces by the time she joins up. I can't see the problem in that case. I personally would hate to leave my family for an extended period but the children will have their father to take care of them so there isn't really a problem is there?

doggiesayswoof · 25/06/2010 13:36

This won't go well for you OP, mark my words

(Must be a wind up)

It sounds like a great idea, flexible roles, DH getting a shot at his career then she gets her chance

I think the most offensive bit is when you state that the DH won't be able to cope

How very fucking patronsing

Original poster
Intefering · 25/06/2010 13:36

I've name changed because I'm pretty sure she's a mumsnetter.

OP posts:
BoysAreLikeDogs · 25/06/2010 13:36

great post Ribena

RibenaBerry · 25/06/2010 13:38

extension - they've been used to their mum being around and their dad being away. The new situation woudl be the reverse.

Until we as women let go of this obsession that a mother is inherently more important/better than a father, women's lives will not improve to the point where each family can genuinely make the choices which are best for them (with the caveat that, for small babies, boobs are clearly quite sex specific, so if you're breastfeeding you are more important!)

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 25/06/2010 13:38

Extension, I'd be very surprised if the mother is just going to up and leave - there's a two year lead-up here, I'm sure she'd do things to prepare her child.

OP, you clearly ARE against working Mums, despite your title, if you say that it's different for Mums because of "nature" whatever that means.

RibenaBerry · 25/06/2010 13:39

Thanks BoysarelikeDogs. I'm a bit on my soapbox this week...

ShirleyKnot · 25/06/2010 13:39

I saw a lady reporter this morning on BBC Breakfast and she was on a boat in Cardiff Bay because today is Armed Forces day, and I looked at her and thought...How revolting, where are her poor children?

Anyway, she was wearing Nautique as well, and I wondered why someone hadn't said to her..."Love, you're doing a piece on a boat, son't wear white trousers, a navy and blue stripy top and a pair of deck shoes ever because you will look RIDICULARSE"

In conclusion, OP YANBU because nautique wear is shit.

doggiesayswoof · 25/06/2010 13:39

"she should of thought of that before getting pregnant"

I've just read this bit properly

toccatanfudge · 25/06/2010 13:39

you've name changed because you're pretty sure she's a mumsnetter............do you do think that if your "friend" is indeed a mumsnetter she might read this and realise which RL "friend" you are..............

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 25/06/2010 13:40

If your friend's a mumsnetter then she's going to work out who you are pretty quickly anyway. At that point I think your friendship will move fairly quickly into the "terminal" phase so you won't need to worry about what to say to her any more.

allbie · 25/06/2010 13:40

I can see what you are saying, intefering but if she is miserable as a sahm then she'll not be giving her kids a happy fulfilled mum. As long as she has support around her, her partner and a willing mil then she has to at least try. If it isn't working out then she can think again, can't she?