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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the behaviour of these mothers is shocking and they bloody well deserve a slap?

402 replies

SassySusan · 21/06/2010 21:12

Message deleted

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 21/06/2010 21:16

yabu
very sorry for your loss....but they dont deserve a slap!!? they obviously dont know what to say to you

Alouiseg · 21/06/2010 21:16

They should be ashamed and you're spot on when you say that they are too busy thinking about how awful it would be for them

Desperately sad for you and your daughter. .

unfitmother · 21/06/2010 21:18

Yes, YABU but it's understandable in the circumstances.
I'm very sorry for your loss, I know when my son died I was upset by some people's reactions but it's usually that they don't know what to say and are scared of saying 'the wrong thing'. From bitter experience I would say the only wrong thing is to say nothing.
I hope you gain comfort for your visits to your daugther's grave I know I did and with time needed to go less but that will come when you are ready.
Best wishes x

warthog · 21/06/2010 21:18

i'm so sorry.

everything must hurt so much.

i think people just don't know what to say.

what would you like them to say?

odisco · 21/06/2010 21:19

Really sorry to hear about your little girl.

Nobody knows what to say. Everything sounds insensitive.

What would you have people say?

minibmw2010 · 21/06/2010 21:19

First, my sincerest sympathies ..

Secondly, of course they don't need a slap, they just probably have no experience of this and rather than leave you and say nothing, unfortunately they are all saying the wrong things (but all the while meaning well I should imagine).

Clearly (and I truly don't mean to condescend) you are angry at everyone and everything, understandably so, but I don't think sending your rage their way will be the way to go.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 21/06/2010 21:20

No, YANBU to feel very angry given that you're living through every parent's worst nightmare. I'm so, so sorry for your loss, and can't even begin to imagine how hideous this time must be for you and your family right now

But - I'm not sure that you're right in thinking that people don't bother to think. It can be incredibly hard to know what to say or do, when in reality there is nothing really that can be said. Only close friends and relatives really know you, and know what will help and comfort you - everyone else wants to do and say the right thing, but often people end up saying nothing for fear of saying the wrong thing.

Sorry, I'm probably not being any help at all.

AnnaBafana · 21/06/2010 21:21

SassySusan, I am so sorry you are going through this. Christ. I can't even begin to imagine how hard this must be for you .

First up - YANBU. You sound full of rage and, at the risk of sounding patronising (please forgive me if I do) this is a natural part of grief. I don't blame you for wanting to slap every one of these mother's who seem to be going on with their normal, every day life when you have experienced the loss of your precious child.

The terrible truth is, there isn't anything they can say to you to make any of this any better. And I do believe that most people genuinely don't know what to say in these circumstances. It is a huge taboo - the death of a child. What is there to say? You are very likely right - you probably do remind them every time they see you that this could have been their child, but isn't, and it throws up all sorts of uncomfortable and awful feelings and thoughts.

God, it is awful. It must be so painful for you. Do you have a good, close friend who you can talk to, or just be with, for support? Someone to face the world side by side with, and fend off any clumsy or misjudged comments on your behalf? You have enough to deal with without having to face people every day that make it all feel even worse.

I don't know what else to say except that YADNBU. You are in pain. And I am happy to listen to you, whatever you want to say.

SolidGoldBrass · 21/06/2010 21:21

Well, some of what people have said to you, as reported above, is hideously insensitive and stupid. Some of it could just be thoughtlessness from people who don't know you well and who may not have your loss to the front of their minds (such as the 'where are you going on holiday?' question - someone who is only a distant acquaintance might simply not be thinking much about you.)
Sorry for your loss, your rage is entirely understandable.

FranSanDisco · 21/06/2010 21:22

I am sorry for your loss and you have every right to be angry but not at these mothers who are trying to do and say the right thing.

firsttimemum77 · 21/06/2010 21:22

Really sorry about your daughters passing away. Can not even imagine the pain you must be feeling.

YANBU but I honestly think that these mums just don't know what to say / do because it's a situation noone really knows how to deal with. A death of a child is the hardest thing ever as you know and people find it unconfortable I suppose - not knowing what to say, how to act, not sure whether you want to talk about it.

My sincere condolences to you at what must be a very very difficult time.

ShinyAndNew · 21/06/2010 21:23

I am so sorry. But YABU. My nephew died a year ago and I still have no idea what to say to SIL, other than "I am sorry" and "How are you feeling?"

But you are right. I do think about how awful it would be if it happened to me and I cannot even begin to contemplate how you (or SIL) feel. It must be a living nightmare for you.

SIL also visits nephews grave daily. She doesn't like going away on Holiday because she feels like she is abandoning her son. Completely understandable imo, and not in the least bit surprising.

Do you have many people who you can talk to/share memories with?

Original poster
SassySusan · 21/06/2010 21:23

Message deleted

OP posts:
duchesse · 21/06/2010 21:25

I can see how sad and angry and upset you must be at the moment, and I'm sure that people don't mean to cause you pain, but there's nothing anyone can say to help you at a time like this, especially if they don't know you very well. As a nation we are spectacularly crap at public displays of grief, and I'd imagine that people who aren't close friends are desperately searching for topics of conversation that do not go anywhere near your daughter's tragic death. The death of a child is such an unusual event these days that there's not really a vocabulary for it. I'd say they don't need a slap, more a lesson in how to say the right thing.

I am so very sorry for your loss.

shockers · 21/06/2010 21:25

I am so sorry for your loss. I suspect that sometimes people are so scared of saying the wrong thing, that they say nothing at all.

bearcrumble · 21/06/2010 21:26

Fucking hell are you joking re the song? That is... twisted.

I am so sorry the mums are being rubbish about your loss - people want to be able to say something that makes it all better and when nothing can make anything even the slightest bit better they are stuck. So they say something banal, crass or stupid.

There is a thread here in Bereavement especially for parents who have lost children - have you seen it/posted on it?

TheNextMrsDepp · 21/06/2010 21:27

How terrible for you, I can't imagine what you are going through.

But tell me, how would you like people to treat you? What would you rather people say to you? I don't have any friends in your circumstances (and perish the thought that anyone I know has to go through such pain), but I just know I would be one of those people who didn't know what to say and would probably be talking about the weather too. I would be interested to know which words you want to hear from people, which would help you.

minibmw2010 · 21/06/2010 21:27

I don't see any point in humouring you just because of the circumstances, as horrible as they are. I still think YABU regarding most of the mothers, but now you've given some extra info, it seems to me that one particular mother is the culprit to you ..

ShinyAndNew · 21/06/2010 21:28

People printed off poems for SIL about the loss of a child. I think that people just feel the need to 'do something'. That is probably why the woman wanted to write a song. No one can think of anything they can do to make it easier. Because there is nothing.

I'm sure these people mean well. But I can see why you would find it hurtful and inappropriate.

Morloth · 21/06/2010 21:28

I think you are right about just not being able to comprehend. When my friend had a stillbirth the thought that was looming largest in my mind was 'please not my baby, please don't ever let this happen to me'. Bloody selfish of me and I tried very hard to never let her see that.

But if there is one thought that reduces me to absolute gibbering terror it is my children dying before me.

On the other hand some people are just twats.

So very sorry to hear about your daughter, no-one should have to experience that.

comewhinewithme · 21/06/2010 21:28

I know exactly how you are feeling and I am so so sorry.

When my dd died I had people avoiding me or just refusing to mention her name.

If they did happen to chat about her I would get a lot of daft and hurtful comments which I suppose people thought were comforting but were the worse thinfg they could have said.

You are in pain and hurting and want to lash out I can remember thinking of all the other Mums on the ward who had had their baby on the same day I had dd and thinking "Why not their baby?" shameful I know but when you are feeling so raw it is normal to feel that way.

Please take care of yourself (hugs).

AnnaBafana · 21/06/2010 21:29

People deal with death in very different - and often strange - ways. That mother probably thought she was doing something really thoughtful. The school probably wanted to do something that would celebrate and remember your child for all the other children in the school.

That said, when a child dies, the parents are the ones who have to live with the knife through their heart forever and I am surprised that nobody consulted you - in time, not at your daughter's funeral (!) - to discuss with you what you thought a fitting tribute to your daughter might involve.

belly36 · 21/06/2010 21:29

Firstly, sorry for your awful loss.

I think the song is a bit WTF?

However, I'd be firmly in the 'don't know what to say camp'. I'm always ashamed to this day 4 years on that when I met a lady from my ante-natal class who had a still-birth at 39 weeks I was so obsessed with not knowing what to say that I didn't say anything, not even hello. What a cow hey?

mollymax · 21/06/2010 21:31

I too am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I think these people do not know what to say, so skirt around it. People do not like to talk about death. I remember this well when my father died.If you would like to talk about your daughter, we are here to listen.Take care of yourself.

katsh · 21/06/2010 21:31

I am so sorry for your loss.
The song is beyond crass - almost unbelievable , but some people are entirely lacking in empathy. I've had sick children for over a year now and have been rather amazed by the things people say thinking that they are being helpful and supportive. Assume that people mean well but no one can possibly know how it is for you and what words will help or frustrate you. I hope that there are some people around you who are there when you need them and who stay silent when you need that too.