To think the behaviour of these mothers is shocking and they bloody well deserve a slap?

[SassySusan]

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OP, I am so sorry for you, it must be so horrible and difficult and painful, I am really sorry for your loss.

Please believe me that NOT every other mum thinks about her own child (in a "thank God it didnt happen to me"-way). Still, I think these mums could at least say: "sorry, I dont know what to say". Still, Yabu (a bit) for making a list of rules (that others are not aware of). Good idea: This thread, as it helps us understand what an appropriate reaction would be in a case like this.

I know a mum at school whos mother was dying, and who was (is) very upset about it. If I ask her how she is, she sometimes gets so overwhelmed she starts crying. Its hard to know what to do or say, other than showing that I know this must be a tough time for her, and that I will take her DD to my home on days she feels it`s all too much.

I do admit I sometimes just chat to her about the weather or holidays, even though I know she is grieving, as I think it might restore a sense of normality???

It`s not easy to know what to do or say, sometimes I can tell she wishes everyone would just leave her alone...

Wishing you strength,

"thing is Mayor - the anger, sadness, guilt, longing, depression and a whole host of other emotions is all consuming and overwhelming when you lose a child."

And I agree and accept that even though I have no personal experience of it. Which is why I was quick to accept that they seem crass to the OP but that she will have to come to terms with the fact that the majority of these people are doing nothing wrong.

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Tell us about your daughter. What kind of child was she. What did she like. What did you like to do together. What was she most into right before she died?

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I am so very sorry SassySusan - it does sound like some people have been very insensitive indeed . I note your thoughts on what might be appropriate things to say, but would just add that our community lost one of the school mums to cancer recently, and her family actively prefer us to make small talk and avoid talking about our friend or mentioning her name to them. They are trying to maintain their composure and stay strong in the presence of her 3 small boys, so when we come across them at the school gates (and the boys are there)we deliberately keep it light (that is what they want us to do).

I think some of us got it wrong initially....

Honestly it is very difficult to know what the right thing to say - because what is 'right' differs for every bereaved person.

The people who really deserve a slap at those who avoid you (without good reason - I understand the window cleaner example). The ones who talk to you do care (because, honestly the easy option is to avoid a bereaved person for fear of putting foot in mouth) - but have unwittingly hurt you. That said - I understand where you are coming from

Again, so very sorry that you have lost your daughter.

yup and insulting their intelligence is the best way to make it a more hospitable thread.

Sassy, I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter.
YANBU, YANBU at all.

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I don't know if you are being unreasonable or not as I am lucky enough never having been in your position . What it has taught me is that I will have absolutely no idea how to approach a bereaved parent in the future as I would clearly get it wrong as so many others have. So would probably back off which I guess is wrong too.

as far as I can see the OP is saying the only wrong thing to do is back off Orm
as well as trite things like' have a good weekend' and 'you're dd was too sweet for this life' which tbh are things I would never dream of saying

agree, this thread has taught me alot. Just be there, dont say much. but be there for them.

and dont make up stupid fucking songs!

OK. But backing off might be construed by others in that position as being unfriendly and uninterested might it not?

OP - I am extremely sorry for your loss but I think you are being a little U for wanting to slap the other mothers (although not about the song, thats the ultimate bad taste, and def deserves slap).

People respond to tradegy in different ways, and wishing someone a good weekend, or asking about holidays is just banter - they can't predict exactly how you feel. I for example find it hard to know what to say.

When my sister died when I was 9 YO my mum didn't go to the funeral for visit the grave for the first year, and we went on holiday that year as planned. Different people respond in different ways, neither are necessarily right or wrong.

no i was saying don't back off, don't ignore, the op I think is saying that is the most hurtful

Oh sorry - misread that lucy. But I'd be bloody terrified of saying the wrong thing all the same.

yes me too

SassySusan, you are not being unreasonable at all. I am very sorry for your loss of Catherine, and would like to second what ThisIsBloodyHardWork and MmeLindt posted earlier.

People who keep telling the OP that she should understand how hard it is for others to approach her: please stop saying that. Go back and re-read the posts from all the bereaved mothers on this thread.

Greensleeves said the right thing - in my opinion and experience I'd rather someone said they just felt awful and didn't know what to say than say nothing at all. That's just hurtful and confusing.

Sassy - you're not being unreasonable, but you'll find in the end that you don't care as much - you'll be able to say fuck em. They don't get it (and feel glad for them that they don't), but some people will, and they will become like gold dust in your life.

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"The idea that only someone who has experienced an identical loss can understand is such a nonsense."

I never said that. I said I had no personal experience of it but could accept and understand how you feel. It is you who is unwilling to look at it from anothers POV and accept that these people are not being crass and deliberately insensitive when they ask you about every day things and it is you who is insulting others by claiming that they lack intelligence and the ability to contemplate others state of mind when you are doing exactly the same by assuming that these people could only possibly have the motivations and intentions that you have attributed to them.

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What I'd be really interested to know is, what is so terrifying about saying the wrong thing? I mean - so you might end up saying the wrong thing. So? What's going to happen?

Actually having said that, if you are so frightened of actually saying something in person, would it be so hard to write a note? Not a note saying "she was too sweet for life" or other similar bollocks, but something just saying "i'm thinking of you" just so the person knows that they and their child are in your thoughts? WHAT is so intimidating?