To think the behaviour of these mothers is shocking and they bloody well deserve a slap?

[SassySusan]

Message deleted

Message deleted

I'm sorry for your loss and I can't pretend to know what you're going through. I know you find it hard to understand that people don't know what to say but I would imagine that people feel a sort of guilt. That they have their children and you have had to go through this terrible and life changing event.
It does make people say or do the strangest of things. However, I'm sure they do mean well even if it's misplaced like a song.
I 'm thinking of you and your loss. Take care.

Sassy I'm sorry sad for your loss.

It's awful that these people's words are insensitive, I'm sure they really are not meant in that way, but it is terribly hard to work out what is appropriate to say.

I started a thread recently along the same lines, as I really do not know what to say in the circumstances. Although I still have not got an ideal response, it seems like people just really really advise a simple word of acknowledgment.

As for that song - classic attention seeking behaviour from that woman - unbelievable.

Message deleted

The woman who wrote the song needs a very big non-metaphorical slap.

Someone I knew on another board who had several late miscarriages, stillbirths and children who died in early childhood wrote this page, subtitled "A Truthful Guideline for Family and Friends" (warning: it does play annoying MIDI music) that I've tried to internalise as much as possible in terms of What You Can Do/Say and What Not To Do/Say Under Any Circumstances. You're right that it ought not to be rocket science, though.

Sassy, I lost a baby (miscarriage, so not quite the same) a few years ago and the last thing on earth I wanted to do was talk about it. I shuddered every time anyone expressed their sympathies. I just wanted to be able to grieve privately, and to be given space. I guess people deal with things differently.

I do think you sound angry. I don't think your anger is 'misdirected'. You are angry that people are responding in a way you find insensitive and that is completely understandable.

Thing is, there is no 'right thing to say'. Different people deal very differently with grief. If anyone so much as mentioned my loss to me I felt like running away. What could anyone have said or done that was right? For me, there was nothing they could have said. For you it might be different. What 6would you like to hear from people? maybe you could make it known to close friends and they could spread the word. that may sound trite, but if a good friend could be your advocate, and at least tell people what not^ to say, it might be an idea.

SassySusan - so sorry for your terrible loss. It's just unimaginable (which is probably one explanation of people's avoidance of the topic).

My friend was widowed fairly recently, and has experienced some similar reactions.

I think sometimes people don't want to bring up recent bereavement becausr they're pant-wettingly terrified you might cry in front of them.

Craven, but true.

If I'd had your experience I'd be incandescently angry too.

I feel your hurt...when my dd died at 2 weeks old I hated so many pregnant women, anyone with a pram, and couldn't walk past mothercare...
I agree the writing of a song is twisted
People struggle to say the right things, as simply there are no right things to say to a grieving mother. I hope your heart heals in time xx

Sassy, I remember your post about Catherine. So sorry.

My daughter also died (younger than yours though). Another mother said to me yesterday, "Ooh, you'll never forget her will you?"

FGS. Like you ever forget...

And YANBU. Obviously.

Message deleted

SS I'm sorry...I'm a hugger and would probably have squeezed you within an inch of your life if you let me...the thing is its unimaginable for someone to try to understand what you have been through...so some people just avoid it...they are not sure how to approach what has happened, they are scared they will insult ,be-little or freak you out...its not that they want to hurt you, but it is hard to know whats best to say is all...

YANBU. But I would say that wouldnt I?

You have every right to feel like you want to smack these women.

If you went around punching people because they said stupid or badly worded things, you would BU. But you are not doing that.

Some people say things because:
They are genuinly thoughtless and selfish
They are so nervous about saying the wrong thing - they do
They have read a book somewhere that tells you what they should say to 'the bereaved'
They lack the capacity for empathy
They really, truely feel they are saying the 'right' thing and they do care about you.

But when you are in a world of endless pain how can you tell the difference and would it help much if you could?

One woman told me I should name my new kitten after my DD because 'it would help'

I am quite immune to 'words of comfort' etc by now. The ones that still upset me are the ones that find out DD died of cancer, express shock and then go on to pump me for every detail of her dx and illness. Like I want to relive it for their benefit!

I think what people should try and understand on this thread is that we [as bereaved parents] are constantly having to be polite and forgiving to thoughtless people. I and many of my friends have expressed the wish to deck people physically and verbally many times - but we dont, hardly ever do we even show our distress. Its US that have to be understanding.

How ironic screwed up is that?

Thing is, death is just a HUGE taboo in our society, and the fact that a mother who has only recently lost her child can feel so terribly let down and angry and insulted by those around her (so very many of those around her) just proves that our attitude towards death and grieving as a society/culture is severely warped.

Your friend of 17 years let you down, simple as. That is unforgivable. No appointment takes precedent over the funeral of your close friend's child.

It is not you Sassy. I don't think any right minded person on this thread is saying that. YANBU!

So sorry for your loss Sassy. Hope those stupid people sort their ideas out sharpish.

YANBU whatsoever

sassysusan people are generally terrified of upsetting anyone grieving. they are afraid of saying the wrong thing precisely for the reason you've started this read, that they say the wrong things.

people don't want to make you angry. they don't know what the right thing to do is.

i've lost many people in my life. i don't like talking about it. it makes me uncomfortable when people talk about it. i was at a funeral last week and i was chatting to people trying to talk about normal things, and people just wanted to apologise for my loss the whole time.

people don't know the right thing to say because there is no right thing for everyone.

Message deleted

OK, I agree - all the examples you've just given are awful. They are 'normal life is resumed' type comments, and (although normal life will never be resumed, really) you are way off 'have a nice weekend' type comments at this point - you have just lost your daughter. So I agree, those sorts of comments are grossly insensitive. And I cannot believe that people are asking you about your future plans! WTF? I don't blame you for feeling angry. I would be enraged and in utter disbelief, to be honest.

because that 10% are the ones saying the right thing for you.

that 10% wouldn't be comforting or appropriate to me.

it's not a cop out. it's just people.

yanbu - if people don't know what to say they should say nothing rather than trite platitudes.

Sassy I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter, and I know well how blindingly insensitive people can be. They don't know what to say, so they hide. I've got 'friends' who sent me a text when my brother died and haven't mentioned him since. It's incredibly hurtful and impossible to understand (I struggle with comprehending people's reactions 18 months later). It is not you, it is them, and to my mind too they do deserve a slap, and a bloody good lecture on insensitivity.

The mum who wrote the stupid song DOES deserve a slap. The others don't. The problem is that all bereaved people are different. Some want to talk about the one they lost, others don't want to talk about it. So it's hardly surprising that these people don't have a clue what to say.