to tell dp that I want to become celibate for a year.

[snottyslimeclock]

I have always been a Christian and have become a much more committed one in recent months. I have decided that I no longer want to be involved in a relationship that involves sex outside of marriage.

This is not about me pressurising dp into getting married , we are doing so next year and it is very much a joint decision. It is not because I do not want to have sex with him, we have a lot of sex and often. My heart still flips when he enters the room and I often chase him around the bedroom.
I would like to think that if dp asked me I would agree even if I found it difficult, but it is a big ask - although not a permanent one.

I am a regular before the trollhunters start to gird their loins.

PLease note my name is snottyslimeclock because dd has been making one and it is in front of me. This is not a comment on dp's hygiene.

I don't think that sex is wrong, I am just coming to the belief that maybe sex is actually so fantastic it is a gift that should be saved for marraige.

snotty and that is the problem with religion. You think that you have found the rational reading of it all, the one that fits you and your life when others will look at the same texts, listen to the same voices and disagree. You can't assume that your God is the rational one and that another Catholic's God is easily fooled.

And really try to get past *millimurphy's apparent flippancy. She's speaking sense.

MissJelly I don't think you can group men into one group who have to have sex or they will explode and women into another group all of whom want to stop at first base.

My dp and I had a long period in our relationship before we had sex, because we both felt it was something to be saved for a commited relationship. We were tempted but at no point did I feel that he was suffering.

I think dp can be honest with me, if he feels that we will drift apart we need to find a way of making this work.

I don't think God is ever easily fooled, I also don't think I have a faith where everything fits.

Catholics don't think they can go to confession and then everything is forgiven and they can carry on doing the same thing. I was actually told by my priest there was little point in going to confession if I was going to confess the same thing every week and therefore I could not take communion.

Ok, sex as a gift. That's nice. I mean that. As an ideal it's sweet. Although alarmingly naive in your personal circumstances perhaps?

And not the best kind of wedding gift? A bit like hiding the kettle for a year and having to boil water in a pot for every cuppa so you can wrap it up and really appreciate it on your wedding night.

I think most men would cherish regular blow jobs more than they would a year of waiting for what will doubtlessly be a night of premature ejaculation.

Just a thought.

Can you find any examples of this working? I worry that when you are married, the guilty feelings could stay and your relationship (which sounds fab, really healthy) is ruined. Can you alter your view on marriage to include your engaged status, as other posters have said, and perhaps try it for a month?

And the guilt may well not be guilt at all in the religious sense, but pre-wedding nerves, amplified by your awful previous experience. Not every strong feeling needs a simplistic religious reason, God gave us brains and hearts which tell us what to do and can protect us from pain and wrongdoing without reference to the Bible IYSWIM.

I need to sweep up downstairs and hit the sack.

Thankyou everyone for not seeking to belittle or take the piss. I have listened to everyone and have taken on board what you have said.

Dp is asleep, I will talk to him tomorrow.

missjelly is right, men are really different from women.

But that doesn't mean they can't abstain from sex for a certain time, eg if they are christian and waiting to get married.

I think you do need to think about practicalities though, like I said before. Men are quite visual, so seeing you naked and waking up next to you in the mornings will definitely make it more difficult, and probably set you both up to fail.

Plus if God does not want you to have sex before you're married, you probably should think about where you stand on other physical acts and also on sharing a bed.

I think issues like this are so specific to Christians that I don't think it's really possible for most non-believers to give advice cos they just can't get their heads round it. Talk to some other Christians. Go on a christian mums forum (there are a few around)

I can't respond to religious issues with any degree of tact or sensitivity

But I must say, if I were your DP I would be very worried

You're moving the goalposts. What happens if you get married, resume having sex, then surely there is a risk that you move the goalposts again? Say you discover fresh scruples because you've been previously married?

I think yabu. Cancel the castle and get married next week and stop tormenting the poor man and yourself

Why is it naive in my circumstances?

MissJellycat I do see what you are mean, which is why I am open to the fact that my feelings may not be about celibacy but having to be open with dp about my growing faith. Perhaps understandably as you say they are pre wedding nerves.

SSC, I am sure that i recognise you, and if I am right, do you not have a history of depression? Do you think it might be possible that you are slipping back to that and getting this out of proportion?

at cancel the castle.

I really hope dp will not be worried, I think that he will realise that this is not about me pushing him away. If anything this whole experience has enabled me to totally move on from my guilt and regret about being married before.

As I studied at a theological college I know lots of examples of people who saved sex for marriage and some examples of people who decided to stop having sex. I know cases with good and bad outcomes.

Quattro - no history of depression for either of us. Divorce knocked me for six but nothing out of the ordinary.

I think it's a shame that the church comes across as very negative about sex.

Going back to the Bible again, God made sex partly for procreation but also as something to be enjoyed between a man and a woman as part of a wonderful life-long relationship. It should be something that brings you closer and creates a special bond between you. A positive, powerful thing - to be celebrated and respected.

Again, a bit off topic but it annoys me that the church in general is always quick to point out the negatives without focussing on the positives!

'sweep up downstairs'?! Sounds like a euphemism for what you'll need to do for a year should your partner agree!

I agree the church can stress the negatives of sex, but the Bible does not. ( although I suspect ST Paul may do) I don't see sex as a negative thing and I agree it is something to be enjoyed as part of a life long relationship.

mrscrocoduck

That did make me laugh!

OP - sounds like your PP is pretty wise and realistic!

Paul wasn't married was he? So maybe he was a bit bitter!

I am very tempted to answer your question but I would probably be removed from Mumsnet for voicing my wholly inappropriate comments.

Sound like a politician there don't I, "thats not a decision for me to make - thats for the prime minister"

But...tty, aren't you already married? I mean, yes, I know you aren't actually. But you have committed to each other in your hearts which is what God sees. You have already decided that it is not necessary to wait for the church blessing of your marriage to have sex, you are not going to become less committed (are you?) over the next year, so what difference does it make? God, as i understand it, will not judge you for that. Commitment happens in people's hearts, not in a church. You have already done that.

I also have a question about why you use natural contraception but not artificial. I am seriously interested. Presumably a child out of wedlock would be a serious problem for you - so what would be the problem (if you continue to have sex) with using more reliable methods? Will you stop using natural contraception after you get married, or continue to plan your fertility? I find that very interesting.

I've enjoyed plenty of meaningless sex too. With people whose names I didn't care to know. I'm largely a mammal with mammalian instincts. I am also a rational, civilised person who can see sex for what it really is; essential to the survival of the species; something I am hard-wired to want and enjoy; a good way to draw a line under a bad day; an amazing way to reinforce a sincere connection with one human being and (in the past) a fantastic way to feel connected to anyone who'll do.

Sex doesn't need external limitations beyond those required by common decency.

tty? snotty

We would like to have more children once we are married. So contraception of any kind will not be used.