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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell dp that I want to become celibate for a year.

305 replies

snottyslimeclock · 16/06/2010 19:23

I have always been a Christian and have become a much more committed one in recent months. I have decided that I no longer want to be involved in a relationship that involves sex outside of marriage.

This is not about me pressurising dp into getting married , we are doing so next year and it is very much a joint decision. It is not because I do not want to have sex with him, we have a lot of sex and often. My heart still flips when he enters the room and I often chase him around the bedroom.
I would like to think that if dp asked me I would agree even if I found it difficult, but it is a big ask - although not a permanent one.

I am a regular before the trollhunters start to gird their loins.

PLease note my name is snottyslimeclock because dd has been making one and it is in front of me. This is not a comment on dp's hygiene.

OP posts:
Blu · 16/06/2010 22:00

You see, for me, it wouldn't all be about the sex - it would be that my partner was developing a relationship that was more imprtant than with me, and beliefs beyond what I shared.

But I am not religious.

Original poster
snottyslimeclock · 16/06/2010 22:01

Catechist this is about moving on from Catholic guilt. I have come to realise that God does not want me to wander around saying "woe is me" and feeling guilty. He wants me to reflect on what I am doing and respond so that the guilt stops.

It may be that celibacy is not right for dp and I, but the conversation that we will have, ( when he arises from his deathbed) will bring us closer togther. Maybe the purpose of my guilt is to make us value what we have and perhaps bring the wedding forward. Maybe my guilt is to make dp and I have a frank conversation about our beliefs.

OP posts:
bilbobobbins · 16/06/2010 22:01

cor... that's a difficult situation... well I think YANBU...

Here's my experience of a similar situation if it helps...
DH & I got together before I was a Christian and although he was a Christian it didn't have a big effect on how he lived in those days iyswim so we slept together for a year or so before I pretty much overnight became a Christian. Ones of those born again ones; shocked a lot of my mates somewhat! And led to me coming to similar conclusions to you.

I was a bit wary about bringing it up with my then dp, but felt it was important I gave our relationship into God's hands and trusted him with it, as he'd either made us for each other or he hadn't (and I believed he had).

My then dp was really understanding and it was part of his journey of re-examining his beliefs and in time becoming more committed (I hate that word but ykwim) himself. It was I think a good year and a half after that that we got married (10 years ago now). Definitely the right decision, although obviously you won't have many people understanding your decision on here! (or indeed in most of society)

I guess it's important also to make sure you communicate your love of (and attraction to) your dp when you talk to him about it.
Although in some ways I can see the value of bringing forward the wedding it sounds like you're still going through a lot of changes yourself and so such a big decision/life change is probably best not to be rushed.

Btw a book I read at the time called 'I married you' by Walter Trobisch is fantastic for explaining what the bible actually says about marriage and sex - might be useful for you and/or your partner. Maybe get hold of it and ask your dp to read it with you?

Blu · 16/06/2010 22:02

Yes, YOU are changing and growing, but in a direction your DP appreciates? It doesn't sound as if it is a shared journey. That's the problem.

Fleecy · 16/06/2010 22:04

Lilian - the concept of forgiveness goes that if you genuinely want to change, regret what happened before and do your level best to turn away from it then you're forgiven.

If you ask for forgiveness having every intention of doing it again, it doesn't count

So in this case, the OP asks for forgiveness then moves on to start afresh. Everything is behind her.

I think that's very liberating because it enables you to genuinely move on from mistakes you make.

Morloth · 16/06/2010 22:05

Maybe have a think about why you want to pull back from DP in this manner as well?

Anyway, off to bed. Nobody be horrible on this thread, I want to continue the discussion tomorrow.

ilovemydogandMrObama · 16/06/2010 22:07

Oh, I see. Didn't mean to intrude, just that if you feel there are grounds for an annulment, then it must have been for something quite serious, so can understand why you want to do all the preparation before getting married.

Do you think that perhaps some part of this is about testing your relationship?

Are there pre marital classes you can attend together? maybe something to, um, do together that isn't sex that you both could look forward to? Sort of good news/bad news. You could break to him that you'll be spending more time together with your clothes on.... that's the good news, and the bad news is.....

Original poster
snottyslimeclock · 16/06/2010 22:08

Blu I think we are both changing tbh, but I am doing so at a faster pace. I am more spiritual than him and think about that kind of thing more. Dp has noticed that I am changing and has said that he thinks it is very positive. Infact because of the changes I am going through he is following about ten steps behind. As I said above maybe the feelings I am having now are not meant to result in us being celibate but in us having a conversation about how we are going to put our faith into action. Perhaps having spoken to dp I will realise. Already having "listened" to people on here I can see my views developing.

bilbo I will order the book.

OP posts:
Original poster
snottyslimeclock · 16/06/2010 22:09

Fleecy that is what I was trying to say - thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
snottyslimeclock · 16/06/2010 22:10

We are due to start pre marital classes.

OP posts:
Fleecy · 16/06/2010 22:11

Blu - in theory a Christian couple should both have their relationship with God at the heart of everything they do. Therefore, there's no need for jealousy.

Each one believes God has brought them together as a couple and this is where he wants them to be.

mrscrocoduck · 16/06/2010 22:11

CONSENSUAL SEX IS NOT A MISTAKE IN A LOVING RELATIONSHIP.

Hulababy · 16/06/2010 22:16

What levels of intamicy would be allowed?

Original poster
snottyslimeclock · 16/06/2010 22:18

I don't know hula, that is something we would have to discuss.

OP posts:
Original poster
snottyslimeclock · 16/06/2010 22:19

Maybe we will rediscover the art of a snog on the sofa.

OP posts:
LillianGish · 16/06/2010 22:20

Thank you mrscrocoduck - you saved me posting!

WitchyWooWoo · 16/06/2010 22:21

i think at the end of the day, you've made your mind up snotty do what you feel is best, and i wish you all the best in it.

do let us know how you get on though, we (i) are a nosy bunch!

Fleecy · 16/06/2010 22:22

Ah, I remember asking my mum 'How far CAN I go?' when I was a teenager. My poor Mum

mrscrocoduck · 16/06/2010 22:25

groan

mrscrocoduck · 16/06/2010 22:32

I hope that you find the resolution and peace that you crave snotty.

I'm just so terribly disappointed that we live in a society which still insists that sex is wrong. That we need some ethereal head-teacher in the sky making us feel bad about ourselves.

Live your one life with happiness and gratitude and love.

I really can't put it any simpler.

LillianGish · 16/06/2010 22:33

Here here.

millimurphy · 16/06/2010 22:34

This is a joke?! You have already had sex with the chap. Then suddenly you become closer to an omnipotent being who apparently wants you not to have sex before you are married as dictated by some very old books written in an even more patriarchal society than we are living in today. So you stop having sex, but what about if you think about it? Even thinking about it qualifies as a sin - as god knows what is in your heart and he/she/it apparently takes offence at you going forth and multiplying without your signed licence. You really are screwed whatever you do (unfortunaley not literally). Didn't you mention something about being Catholic? How about you keep shagging and repent on your death bed? That way you are keeping your options open - the omnipotent one might exist and you get to say sorry before you flee the mortal coil and flock among the angels. And if there turns out to be de nada, then you have had a fucking good time along the way...

imgonnaliveforever · 16/06/2010 22:41

I'm just so terribly disappointed that we live in a society which still insists that sex is wrong. That we need some ethereal head-teacher in the sky making us feel bad about ourselves.

mrscro, we clearly DON'T live in a society which thinks sex is wrong. That's why so many people are disagreeing with the OP! In fact, the minority of people think this. And at any rate, Christians do not believe that sex is wrong, only that it should not be done outside marriage.

Original poster
snottyslimeclock · 16/06/2010 22:42

Witchy -I thought I had made up my mind, but I am not sure now. I am not someone who starts an AIBU thread 100% assured of the answer. I asked because I want opinions.

It is not a joke milli, it is actually a serious decision.

Surely an omnipotent being would not be fooled by a deathbead conversion. I doubt that kind of logic worked for Pascal so I doubt it will work for a humble social worker from the midlands!

OP posts:
missjellycat · 16/06/2010 22:42

Oh I feel awful for you. I think you need to talk to your DH and very soon.

The things you're saying about rediscovering the start of your relationship, the courtship phase, make you sound like a teenager. Men and women are different - to totally generalise, women love snogging, long cuddles and strokes. Men need sex to feel loved. You will do huge damage to your relationship, it will feel like teasing and be hugely frustrating for him. I hope you understand this, IMO even if DH agrees because he thinks that it's good for you spiritually, you will drift apart by doing this. I honestly think you don't understand the fundamental differences between men and women by some of your posts about how you imagine it will be.

If you haven't read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, it's an interesting read on gender difference. I think when we meet our soulmate, we forget that we are so different biologically. You will I'm sure be ok with hugs and long snogs, but your poor DH with a raging hard-on will feel rejected. It sounds crude to the average woman and we want to think it's all deep and spiritual, but God designed men and women differently and with the best will in the world I believe your DH will suffer, you are expecting too much.