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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit miffed at the 'Mother at the school gates'

259 replies

Bigmouthstrikesagain · 13/06/2010 10:03

this weeks Guardian weekend had a 'What I'm really thinking' column written by a mother apperntly disappointed in other mother's lack of attention to their personal appearence. I don't know why it has bothered me so much (maybe it is my hideous hangover after a rare night out but the open disgust she displays in her (anonymous) piece is frankly unsisterly and horrible.

I do not always look glam at pick up - I never wear tracksuits, being of the opinion that they should only be worn if you are doing exercise of some sort. But in the morning particularly I am lucky if I have brushed my hair and not just gathered it in a messy ponytail and I never bother with make up - I save make up for 'going out'. I think pedicures are for people with too much money and time on their hands but as long as feet are relatively clean that is fine.

I see fathers picking up their kids and they are wearing no make up, have messy eyebrows and a distinct lack of stylish clothing but that is ok with our anonymous contributor I am sure. Is it a wife and mothers duty to look nice so they don't show up their children and their husband still wants to sleep with them!? Ick

Sorry I had too get that off my chest - I feel better now (and the Ibuprofen is kicking in as well) Thank you.

OP posts:
excitychick · 14/06/2010 23:05

As a new mum I haven't been to the school gates yet, but I do think tracksuits look scruffy and best suited to exercising. Mums don't need to be dolled up, but if it looks like you haven't even brushed your hair, then I would feel sorry for you. I think it's important that mums keep some standards for themselves, with brushing hair and wearing clean-ish clothing being some of them. High heels, make up and pedicures aren't necessary. (What's wrong with flip flops?) Babies and children take up a lot of time and energy, but mums should try to make some time for themselves!

BoysAreLikeDogs · 14/06/2010 23:28

excitychick you say that mums should make time for themselves, but why should their making time for themselves comform to your ideal?

making time for me might be getting out my oils and having a session painting, or going for a long bike ride, or doing scales and arpeggios, not much call for lippie if your hobby involves a silver mouthpiece, eh?

poshsinglemum · 14/06/2010 23:44

Make up such as lippy isn't necessary as excitychic says but stained tracky bums and unbrushed (or even worse-greasy hair!)

Bed head is quite sexy though but it has to be be sexy not dirty.

poshsinglemum · 14/06/2010 23:46

Lets face it- none of us wants to look like Waynetta slob do we?

cory · 15/06/2010 09:08

excitychick Mon 14-Jun-10 23:05:22

"Babies and children take up a lot of time and energy, but mums should try to make some time for themselves!"

This still makes the assumption that all women have two areas of concern in their lives: looking after their children and looking after themselves.

Some women work. Some women work in dirty manual jobs. Women are car mechanics and builders and farmhands and archaeologists. Fact.

I get the feeling from this thread that a woman simply isn't expected to do jobs that might mess up their hair do or leave stains on their clothes. Or if they do, they mustn't admit to it or show it in public.

It's fine for a bloke, obviously, to turn up in his work boots and stained overalls if he's come straight from work. But to be seen to be doing that kind of job, for a woman- well, it's just not nice, dear

LadyBiscuit · 15/06/2010 09:19

You do all realise that the article isn't written by a journo (well not one who the Guardian admit paying) don't you? It's a column that allows readers to send in their articles to vent their spleen about whatever winds them up. I bet they were rubbing their hands when this heap of vitriol plopped into their inbox. Catty observations about other mothers guaranteed to get MN up in arms. Bingo

weetabixwhiner · 15/06/2010 09:44

As long as I don't wear my slippers, which I have seen in certain areas, I don't care!

bleedingheart · 15/06/2010 09:48

People are being a little facetious aren't they? I doubt the writer was refering to people going to work in manual jobs or walking dogs/riding etc, rather from her own POV she assumes they used to dress differently and have now given up on fashion. She's ignorant and arrogant obviously. It's up to the individual how they dress and it is none of her business but the assumption that it takes hours to get ready and the children must suffer is tiresome. It takes two minutes to brush my hair into a reasonable state(I have wild curls too) and 50 seconds to smear on tinted moisturiser. At my son's nursery, most mums are very well-groomed, I guess because of the expectations of their workplace. My two best friends are tapered jean/fleece wearers and I couldn't care less; I hate to think they're judging me as a bad mother and a bimbo because I wear make up and a suit.

slushy06 · 15/06/2010 09:58

But bleedingheart in my school you would be one of the scruffy ones because you don't straighten your hair or wear eyeshadow or mascara or polished nails. I have had two women tell me it does not take long to straighten their hair and throw some foundation, some mascara, on and make a effort which is what most of my friends moan at me about. For me it take 40minutes to straighten my hair (which is down to my bum and very curly).

It takes 20 minutes to brush it so I brush and plait. Yes I could probably have time to put on foundation but I like to clean and tidy my house first thing in the morning and every day it comes to a choice for me I have time to clean my house or do make-up cleaning always wins.

Aitch · 15/06/2010 11:05

are you sure that's how they're getting them, ladybiscuit? i'd assumed it was a freelancer burning their pals for stories.

LadyBiscuit · 15/06/2010 11:12

Not definitely sure Aitch but they do invite you to send in your submissions at the end of the article. I thought it was another one of their 'get our readers to supply copy for us' articles but I could be wrong. If it's a hack, seems a bit pathetic to write it anonymously

Aitch · 15/06/2010 11:16

yes, but even if people are submitting stuff nine times out of ten it will be a load of rubbish so a hack, as you put it, will most definitely be calling them back and ghosting it for them. and i'm not sure that people do submit to these things as much as you'd think, they're more likely to be burning their way through a freelancer's mates.

LadyBiscuit · 15/06/2010 11:21

Yeah you're probably right. Odious little article whoever wrote it

Aitch · 15/06/2010 11:27

oh yes, anonymity gives them that license.

Eleison · 15/06/2010 16:22

There seem to be so many reader-written pieces in the Guardian these days. A spillover from online interactivity I suppose. Readers expect to have a voice in the paper, and editors have cottoned on to the fact that punters can come up with mediocre articles as effectvely as jjournos and cheaper.

Fibilou · 15/06/2010 19:57

Cakeandroses, we are very similar - people always comment on how well dressed I am (even when I think I look like a tip), especially when I was pregnant. I enjoy dressing well, wearing makeup and having my hair done. I like to look nice. I also am vice president of our Rotary club, chaired a committee that raised £8000 for charity last year, am studying for the ILEX qualification, run a small cake decorating business, grow our own fruit and veg, keep an immaculate house and look after our 4 month old baby. But apparently I am an airhead because I like to look nice

My grandmother was a very proud woman and was always very smartly turned out. She retained her sense of style while dying from aggressive lung cancer in a hospice at the age of 84. If she could manage to worry about her appearance (she got my Mum to comb her hair and put on her makeup until the day she died) I certainly have no excuse to let myself go.

I don't think "I don't care about my appearance" is actually true - people who say this use their unkemptness to give a message - "look at me, I'm so busy and such a martyr that I can't even comb my hair". I also wonder why they aren't interested in making themselves look as nice as possible - not for their menfolk but for themselves. I don't dress for my husband, far from it. I dress well because it makes me feel good. And at a size 18 I have a far from perfect figure.

I wonder how many of you that are far too busy to even put on a lip gloss watch TV in the evening ? It's hardly difficult to paint your nails in front of the telly, is it ?

coffeefestival · 15/06/2010 22:43

Dressing well makes you feel good, Fibilou, but others might feel good by concentrating on other things. I'm sure I could paint my nails in front of the TV, but I just don't particularly like nail varnish or makeup. Why would I want to "look as nice as possible for myself" if that involves face-paint that I'm not interested in? Don't you think people can look nice just from having a friendly disposition?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 16/06/2010 08:06

Fibilou...there is a line between making yourself look nice and caring about your ownappearance and judging others who don't..I think you have crossed that with your post about how all round wonderful you are and how you look after yourself too. And it comes across as smug and makes people feel justified in being hostile to people who are groomed.

And I also look after myself, by the way.

cory · 16/06/2010 08:11

"I don't think "I don't care about my appearance" is actually true - people who say this use their unkemptness to give a message - "look at me, I'm so busy and such a martyr that I can't even comb my hair". I also wonder why they aren't interested in making themselves look as nice as possible - not for their menfolk but for themselves. I don't dress for my husband, far from it. I dress well because it makes me feel good. And at a size 18 I have a far from perfect figure."

So what about men who doesn't spend time on his appearance? Is he also using his unkemptness to give a message? Or is a woman not allowed to have the same lack of interest as a man?

I have no problem with a woman dressing smartly because it makes her feel good. But I do have a problem with anyone who tries to tell me that "this is how you have to look or feel or becave because you are a woman".

cory · 16/06/2010 08:11

"a man who doesn't spend" even

Fibilou · 16/06/2010 08:20

"So what about men who doesn't spend time on his appearance? Is he also using his unkemptness to give a message? Or is a woman not allowed to have the same lack of interest as a man? "

I REALLY dislike men dressing scruffily, it is one of my pet summer hates - all the men with their beer bellies and shorts [boak]. I have trained DH off jeans and T shirts and into something far smarter. In my experience people look far better in fitted, tidy clothes and men are no exception. I wish men would go back to wearing 3 piece suits actually.

As a lover of vintage fashion, I would love to see a return to the days when men and women dressed smartly

Sakura · 16/06/2010 08:22

I'm unkempt when I'm full throes of working from home. I absolutely love what I do and I get into a "zone" and even when I'm driving or doing the school run or whatever all I can think about in my head is my work: what comes next, how I could have done that bit better, etc. I stay up until the early hours doing it so the next day I'm not in the mood for caring about how I look.

Then when I'm out of that bubble and a section of my work has finished, I start to make an effort again, dress more carefully and put a bit of make up on, and think about my appearance a bit more.
People at the school gates just take me as I am. All the mums in DD's class met up for lunch a few weeks ago; I made an effort for that and think I scrubbed up rather well.

Funny thing is, I've noticed that other mums, the ones who used to be fully made-up every morning have been slipping a bit recently and caring less.
Hmm...

Fibilou · 16/06/2010 08:23

And as for the "gymwear as daywear" fashion . Fine if you're going to do some sport but not otherwise. Yuck

porcamiseria · 16/06/2010 09:16

fibilou

sorry but enough boasting please, EVERYONE has a shit load on their plate! did you read before you posted that???? what do you think everyone else does all day!!!!

Acinonyx · 16/06/2010 09:43

I'm still struggling to understand why wearing jeans and a t-shirt means I don't care how I look. I care a bit, and jeans and a t-shirt feel absolutely fine to me. I obviously have brain damage.

And am I the only person who genuinely feels that make-up is trashy? You couldn't pay me to 'throw on some liippy and mascara' in the mornings. Ugh! Why would I want to paint my face? Should dh paint his face maybe?

I would never say that irl as I wouldn't want to offend anyone. But since people keep droning on here about how wearing make-up equates with good grooming - well - not in my book.