Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be a bit miffed at the 'Mother at the school gates'

259 replies

Bigmouthstrikesagain · 13/06/2010 10:03

this weeks Guardian weekend had a 'What I'm really thinking' column written by a mother apperntly disappointed in other mother's lack of attention to their personal appearence. I don't know why it has bothered me so much (maybe it is my hideous hangover after a rare night out but the open disgust she displays in her (anonymous) piece is frankly unsisterly and horrible.

I do not always look glam at pick up - I never wear tracksuits, being of the opinion that they should only be worn if you are doing exercise of some sort. But in the morning particularly I am lucky if I have brushed my hair and not just gathered it in a messy ponytail and I never bother with make up - I save make up for 'going out'. I think pedicures are for people with too much money and time on their hands but as long as feet are relatively clean that is fine.

I see fathers picking up their kids and they are wearing no make up, have messy eyebrows and a distinct lack of stylish clothing but that is ok with our anonymous contributor I am sure. Is it a wife and mothers duty to look nice so they don't show up their children and their husband still wants to sleep with them!? Ick

Sorry I had too get that off my chest - I feel better now (and the Ibuprofen is kicking in as well) Thank you.

OP posts:
elliemental · 13/06/2010 10:37

so you're all as bad as each other. you're judging her for not leaving the house without makeup for 20 years, calling her a dog... she's judging you...dear gods!

whatever happened to sisterhood?

JaxTellersOldLady · 13/06/2010 10:38

I dont think the Mums at our school look bad at all.

Those who head off to the gyn/running after drop off wear gym gear and those who go to work wear work stuff and the rest of us with our pedicures and manicures look good in whatever we wear.

What is the big deal about flipflops? Those are a staple of my summer wardrobe.

SanctiMoanyArse · 13/06/2010 10:39

I raely look nice at gates

To be frank, I am rather unatractive: I just am. My clothes have seen better days and when the choice is between 'new' (Ebay aminly) orr extras for kids then the kids get it every time- drum lessons for ds2, money to attend athletics meet (representing school in relay)

It's not that I can't tidy up, I qualified as a make up artist albeit 15 years ago.

I just don't see it as a priority over getting out the door in the mornings.

bronzer and amscara I can manage, home pedicures fine.

After that, it's hard cheese to anyone who objects. YTruth be told, most of our school mums are very pretty Boden Mummies (many airt hostesses and pilot's woives) and I couldn't match up whatever with my broken nose and little face.

wubblybubbly · 13/06/2010 10:39

Bonsoir, what on earth has what you're wearing got to do with being a responsible adult? Does putting make up on and having a pedicure qualify as being responsible?

Bigmouthstrikesagain · 13/06/2010 10:40

Those complaining that it is judgemental to be irritated by a judgemental opinion piece - I don't understand. I do not say that it is a womans duty to look like shite otherwise you are not serious enough or worthy etc.

I am merely expressing my opinion on someone elses opinion. I have not written an article saying I think women who dress well and wear make up are shallow and thick. I do not think that. I wear make up and I wore a 'nice dress' with ample cleavage yesterday and it was great - no problem with dressing up at all.

I have a problem with the sneering attitude dressed up with a 'I am just telling you this because I care' which is an attitude I have come to hate from Trinny et al ad nauseum... The underlying issues any woman can have are not resolved with a nice dress and a bit of lippy - I know looking good makes you feel good but I doesn't pay bills, mend broken relationships or solve international financial crises. So I just think that the 'empowering through emphasising your bangers' routine is a teensy bit old now and article like this (almost) make me want to look shit at the school gates just to piss people like har (but I am scared someone would get me Gok'd)!!!

OP posts:
Aitch · 13/06/2010 10:43

juicy couture never really took hold round here. weird article, i genuinely think that with the possible exception of one mum who always seems to be running after two boys haring off in different directions on scoot bikes, everyone looks like they've brushed their hair and put on clothes that they like, rather than what ocmes to hand iykwim? perhaps it's because there's quite a culture of going for coffee afterwards, so no one would go in their pjs?

the article is wack, though. i wonder how they're doing them? pals of freelance being mined for info on what their jobs/lives are like, then written up, probably.

pagwatch · 13/06/2010 10:45

Believeing that your way of dressing to face the day is the right one is indeed vain and shallow.

But that works both ways.
People who get sniffy about someone who is clean but not groomed are idiotic.

But then people who come on here saying
'oh I would wonder what I was lacking in life if all I cared about were my nails and clothes' are just as idiotic.

They have not the moral superiority they seek to imply, in fact their attempts to link grooming with neglect of a childs wellfare is quite vile. You are not self sacrificing and devoted if you look unkempt. It isn't a badge of honour.

You are not a better parent if you wear designer clothes and get a pedicure but neither are you a better parent if you scrub your face and throw on jeans

We are all different in different circumstances and with different priorities.
If you are comfortable with how you look, how you parent and how you spend your day then you don't feel the need to worry about what others do.

Dirt and lack of basic care would worry me as that can imply depression or neglect. Everything else is just one form of snobbery or another

Bigmouthstrikesagain · 13/06/2010 10:45

God that only just made sense - sorry - two bottles of wine last night so I am hungover whilst in charge of a keyboard - not to mention children... forgive my poor show of literacy. I can construct sentences in my head - just not type them properly at the moment!

OP posts:
coffeefestival · 13/06/2010 10:46

I dislike makeup, fake tan and uncomfortable clothes. I'm happy to look ordinary and I have a healthy amount of self-respect If anyone rules me out as a friend because of that, then we wouldn't have been compatible anyway.

SanctiMoanyArse · 13/06/2010 10:53

Bonsoir wrt to your comment about council houses are you falling into the trap of thinking all council reszidents are non workers? Not so!

Apart from the obvious truth that those who are less able will fall into LA housing (disabled, carers, borderline LD, etc etc) a great many people on the estates work, even if low paid, or even own their own homes.

My dad had a decent career, manager in alrge factory, but never moved off the estate becuase that was home; most people just bought their houses when they could.

DS's first school served a very low income area; mostly rented or self owned but still very much an estate. Did people give a damn about thier appearance? Nope. there was a fab atmosphere though, happy kids. Whereas here they are all very well groomed, well off in the main and there simply isn't that sense of community and investment in the school.

Shame.

Why I am not sure; certainly the Mums here seem tot hink they 'deserve' a good school withouta sking- verbally abusing PTA ladies if funds are low, but rumnning to the gym and never the fundraiser.
As an outsier I see much more od a sense of entitlement from teh well off moums than the ones back home. We've earned / married well / so our school should be great without our input.

WHereas at home if you want something sone you do it yourself.

it's only a comparison of 2 schools lcearly but I find it very.... interesting.

Actually, ds3 attends an SNU class in a council estate. Tiny school, one class per year and SNU only.

I've never been there for drop off so have no idea (or care) how parents look, but I know I have neer been to such a welcoming, inclusive or effective school. DH walkd in with some cakes for a afyre and was asked whose parent he was; he said and staff came running out to say how glad they were to have ds3 there. comapred to aprents in MS complaining that the TA was used by him (funded just for him) and they had to fight for her attention (when he left there was no funding for replacement so they lost put didn't they?)

Clwearly tehre is a level of self respect in how you handle yourself and that you look clean, etc. But as for anything else- nah. A few eyars ago teh expensive manicures and haircuts might have turned my head (we're the only school I know where the GP opposite offers Botox!) and amde me think it's something above; experience has taught me otherwise. Kid s thrive in a welcoming happy environment, not where mums are competitive or more focussed on coffee and the local boutique than putting something in personally.

(And yes I do help out whenever I can, of course).

picc · 13/06/2010 10:53

no.. it made sense, and you were speaking sense, bigmouth.

DuelingFanjo · 13/06/2010 10:54

oh bless her, she's just trying to make a few pounds by writing vaccuous unimaginative tittle tattle for the papers just like hundreds of people do. Maybe the allowance her husband gives her doesn't stretch enough to afford new lipstick.

stickylittlefingers · 13/06/2010 10:54

I'm with you there coffeefestival (do such things exist? That'd be a great day out!) I find it surprising when I do find myself liking someone wearing fake tan and lots of make up. The judgipants work both ways.

Some people enjoy clothes and make up and stuff. I find it fairly dull. On the other hand, I do find it odd that some people just don't care about keeping fit. People are allowed to have different priorities...

CantSupinate · 13/06/2010 10:54

I love what Cretaceous said heavens, what a positive attitude please teach me to be like that? .

Almost nobody has picked up on the feminist aspect of this: it's okay for men to dress to be warm and comfortable so why do women have to make the extra effort to be groomed to be deemed presentable?

Bonsoir and others fail to understand that a lack of what she judges to be acceptable "grooming" is a sign of my self-respect. Because I have self-respect I don't feel the need to bore myself silly becoming "groomed" each morning: putting on make-up, worrying how my shoes look, or whether my clothes are fashionable enough. I don't enjoy taking time over those things, and since I am not defined by how I look, there is no reason to do it since I have enough self-respect to not worry about them.

If you enjoy taking time over those things, fine, but I won't even notice whether you've had a pedicure or not -- I care less about your feet than I do about the ruddy World Cup (and that's saying something!).

Bonsoir · 13/06/2010 10:55

"Bonsoir wrt to your comment about council houses are you falling into the trap of thinking all council reszidents are non workers? Not so!"

That wasn't my comment - I was quoting wubblybubbly.

lisianthus · 13/06/2010 10:57

Your posts seem full of sense to me, bigmouthstrikesagain. The silly woman would have a stroke if she saw me sometimes! I don't care if she wears a ball gown and seven inch heels to pick her kids up, if that's what makes her feel comfortable, and I'd prefer her to extend the same courtesy to me.

Glitterandglue put the self respect thing very well. To some people, it is tied up with what they wear, but not for everyone.

And, you know, I always look like a woman. That would be because I AM one.

That being said, I do have the occasional pedicure, as I am a sucker for a foot massage.

SanctiMoanyArse · 13/06/2010 10:59

Ah sorry bonsoir- am toddler juggling! Thank goodnes I teid to clarfiy before hammering- long learned MN safety net eh?

mrsincommunicado · 13/06/2010 11:02

I wore my over the knee black leather boots to school one day, and the "fleece brigade" mums looked me up and down like I was Julia Roberts in Pretty woman

There is a school mum hottie in the playground and some of the mums started a rumour that she is a lap dancer

It's the other way round in our school, you make an effort to be fashion forward or don't look like page 60 of the Boden catalogue and you get judged.

SanctiMoanyArse · 13/06/2010 11:12

I;ve been known to turn up at the old school in ballgown and tiara (with good reason I must add!) and not been laughed at, more you do look swish.

wubblybubbly · 13/06/2010 11:13

Er no Bonsoir, I said nowt about council residents being non workers!

I simply said that the parents/grandparents/childminders who collected their children from school are there to collect their kids and not judge each other.

The point is, it's a community school and everyone knows each other, there's no need to try to impress anyone. We all live alongside each other so we've no doubt seen each other in our gardens hanging out the washing in our nighties. Oh the shame!

Bonsoir · 13/06/2010 11:20

wubblybubbly - I think you should direct your comments at SanctiMoanyArse, not me!

wubblybubbly · 13/06/2010 11:23

I agree with everything Sancti said. I usually do

SanctiMoanyArse · 13/06/2010 11:23

Yep me

I put what I thought was bonsoir's comment in with what I do know of Bonsoirs fairly elitist perspective to draw a comclusion

and apologised afterwrds

backtotalkaboutthis · 13/06/2010 11:24

how can anyone who imagines this is journalism can hold their head up high I do not know

DelGirl · 13/06/2010 11:26

Glam? I am lucky if I have clothes on , normally rushing out the door screaming most days lol.