to be a bit miffed at the 'Mother at the school gates'

[Bigmouthstrikesagain]

this weeks Guardian weekend had a 'What I'm really thinking' column written by a mother apperntly disappointed in other mother's lack of attention to their personal appearence. I don't know why it has bothered me so much (maybe it is my hideous hangover after a rare night out but the open disgust she displays in her (anonymous) piece is frankly unsisterly and horrible.

I do not always look glam at pick up - I never wear tracksuits, being of the opinion that they should only be worn if you are doing exercise of some sort. But in the morning particularly I am lucky if I have brushed my hair and not just gathered it in a messy ponytail and I never bother with make up - I save make up for 'going out'. I think pedicures are for people with too much money and time on their hands but as long as feet are relatively clean that is fine.

I see fathers picking up their kids and they are wearing no make up, have messy eyebrows and a distinct lack of stylish clothing but that is ok with our anonymous contributor I am sure. Is it a wife and mothers duty to look nice so they don't show up their children and their husband still wants to sleep with them!? Ick

Sorry I had too get that off my chest - I feel better now (and the Ibuprofen is kicking in as well) Thank you.

YANBU OP

The woman who wrote that piece is a complete twat.

YANBU. IMO I have as much right to choose not to wear make-up as another woman has the right to chose to wear it.

I enjoyed the line "I can't tell them this or they'd think I was really shallow"

...er... maybe that's because you ARE incredibly shallow? Classic example of a 'women hating woman'

You know, I almost pity those who make such judegements about the appearence of others.

It must be terrible to have so many hang-ups and mental problems, that you need to boost your self-esteem by putting down other people.

Now, who'd like a nice cup of tea?

Compo - that is what i thought!

Some of us have no need for make up being naturally dewy skinned and radiant "

Well said!

Pity the women who only ever feel confident in their looks when wearing make up and have had their hair 'done'.
Really, looking after oneself is so much more that caking on Maxfactor etc.
Proper diet, exercise, trim figure, great haircut and colour if needed, great skin and hands/feet that are looked after and clean/neat say much more about a person than perma make up and straightened [boak] hair etc.

Make up is there to enhance ones features, not to paint them on.

So, poor author, she must be bit of a plain Jane...

I had an emergency C-section and then had more surgery to stem the enormous blood loss which ensued when one artery hadn't been sutured correctly. I was deemed "low-risk" so all this was completely unexpected. When I was finally allowed home, my maternity clothes were too big and because of the C-section I couldn't wear my pre-pregnancy clothes. So guess what? I went shopping for something with a nice, loose waistband and found.... not much. I wound up buying velour tracksuit bottoms.

But, according to a lot of folks on here, these garments mean I "don't care about my appearance" or bother about what I'm wearing. How judgemental and shallow can you get?

You do know that you can't actually change other people? They will wear what they want to/have to? You can only decide the clothes that you yourself put on?

Its quite funny this article because im 'one' of those women she is describing and i stand chatting to the 'beautiful' people at school pick up time ,thinking i wish i had nice hair/clothes/nails like them . It doesnt help that i go straight from dopping off DD to mucking out horses and my bottom is way too big for equine couture .

tomblibbob she is a twat for her comment that the husbands of the women she meets at the school gates, must share her view that their wives look rough as fuck and not want to shag them.

That makes her a twat in my book. A total incapacity to understand that other people, and their lives, are different from her, and her lives.

One might argue that if she hasn't gone out without makeup in 20 years and feels that her DH won't want to shag her unless she is preened to the max then she should be looking at her own sitution rather than slagging off people who presumably see her as their friend.

This sort of thing always makes me so paranoid. I'm a plain looking person, long, dark blonde/brownish hair, 5ft 2 1/2 and about 115 lbs. I look after myself, brush my hair...etc., but I do have a toddler and when I get to school in the morning (teacher) I often find some sort of mark or snot or other on my clothes and do my best to wash it out. When I look in the mirror then walk around I think everyone else looks so much more pulled together than I am. I just know people and parents at the gate are looking at me and thinking the same.

It's so frustrating. Not a "badge of honour" as someone put it earlier in the thread. I'd love to be perfectly put together and totally wrinkle and mark free, but it just seems impossible. And I tend to trip/fall a lot, too I do put on basic make up (no caking, just a little to hide tired eyes...etc.).
Why do people judge so much?

Totally agree with pagwatch.

I tend to find on mn you are judged way more if you actually do like clothes/doing your nails etc.

Well said StarExpat, you've just described how I feel a lot of the time.

starexpat people who judge you on what you look like ratehr than what you are like, are not worth knowing IMO.

If people are smiling at you and talking to you then put the paranoia to the back of your mind and conclude that they are doing that because they like you

It was a joke, no?

Sorry starexpat didn't read your post fully.

Personally I am far more interested in how kind, friendly and competent my DCs teachers are, than whether their hair is teased into a glossy mane or not. I would be a bit at anyone who thought otherwise TBH.

Knowing that you are shallow doesn't mean you are not shallow. It just means you know you're shallow. Case in point, Hugh Grant. Very shallow, knows he's shallow -- does it make him deep? No, it makes him a shallow person who knows he's shallow.

Same with this silly sausage.

I can't believe anyone actually cares what anyone else looks like at the school gates. I couldn't give a stuff...

Some days I look fabulous (if I'm going into the office) and others I look shocking. This is true for other parents too. Really, how little does there have to be in your life to care about someone else's appearance?

StarExpat, people like me are looking at people like you and thinking 'petite, slim' .

I am 5 ft 5 and 150 pounds on a good day. I'd just be assuming that you would always feel great about yourself!

so, maybe this means that no-one knows how others view us?

Dunno LadyintheRadiator I am as as you about flip flop bashing.

Its all I can fit on my fat pregnant feet at the moment so I am doomed in the style stakes!

I do brush my hair though and moisturise.

I don't think this is a helpful article, but I do think the British in general (men too) tend to suffer from a lack of personal care, grooming and style.

This of course is a huge sweeping generalisation, but when I visit France or Italy I always notice there are a lot more people looking a lot healthier, neater and better dressed.

It's a passing observation rather than a judgement.

What I do object to though is the notion that anyone who makes the time to exercise, file nails, do hair and dress well must have an empty life. I'll take my shiny pink toenails and highlights and get out

Well I try to make an effort at the school gates.

Do you know why?

Well I'll tell you.

I have nothing else to dress up for.

No job at the mo and we rarely get to go out. (I could dress up for DH but he prefers me undressed )

I think I'm the saddo.

Balloon that's the best reason though - you're doing it for you. I think that's bloody brilliant - not sad.

I had to laugh at this:

Like another poster, I throw my hair up in the morning, lightning fast shower, scream at the kids to get up/get dressed/eat something/get stuff together for school and by the time comes for us to leave for school I feel as though I've been running the marathon.

I am ashamed to admit I have remembered that I have forgotten to brush my hair that morning half way to school. It doesnt happen often but it has happened. Do I care what others think? Hell no. Just as long as the kids are happy, have everything they need and are happy I dont give a monkeys what anyone thinks.

And Yes, I am up at silly o'clock before anyone tells me to get up earlier.

I just make sure the kids have everything before I wonder about myself before they go to school.

I can sort myself out when I get back home before I leave for work or what ever else I have planned.

i think you should at least brush yor hair and wipe the bed out of your eyes.it only takes me 15 mins to shower,brush hair/teeth,put on reasonable outfit cover spots and put on lippy.