to not want to be the only one who does the dinner everynight!

[Hai1988]

Basicly as i said above, even on DH days off and holidays I am always the one who does it!
and y does he always want feeding when ive just sat down or in the middle of something!!
ITS like having 2 4 year olds in the house sometimes

Does ne one else have this problem, living wit a man who still thinks its the stone age and women cook and man works {shock]

BTW i found out on a recent holiday with the fil that he has these same views on life so ive worked out where its come from {angry]

Also, if you are 21.. and your child is 4. It will leve home at around 18 and you will be only 35.. then what will you do?

I have seen more than one poster say that they are not surprised her partner feels hard done by, that as she is at home she should be doing everything.

Really - everything! Did someone say that?

Dh is 23, and four, we "were" talking about havin more dc's.

Hmm... can I be bold and suggest... DON'T! If youre struggling now...

Yes. "Sorry you have plenty of time to not have to go food shopping, cook or do any housework during the weekend. I'm not surprised with your DH's attitude. " for example.

PLus all the people saying that she simply needs to be better organised and then she will be able to get everything done, which is a more subtle way of saying she should be doing it all.

Can't be arsed to trawl through again but the gist from many quarters is clear.

Im not struggling, it wud just be nice to have a lttle bit of input every now and again

There's no rush hai, what about doing something for yourself. Working/education, something like that? I don't know what you were doing before you had your child but the longer you take out of tihngs, the harder it will be to get back later IYSWIM.

I was at college when i fell pg and it was an animal college and was told by my tutor it would be best if i left, rather than finish the year which i wanted to.
I would love to go back and finish my course, but as i am now over 19 i will have to pay and i just cant afford it ( not to be bitching about another thing but i never see any money)

I am wanting to go back to wark asap, at the mo i have no1 in my family that came Look after ds because of work/disablitys, but as soon as he starts school full time ( january) i will be looking for a job evan if its just a dinner lady or somthing.

Hmm.. ok I guess I read it differently.

My DP works from home on a Friday... thats one day a week and he is 'working' too (well checks emails, replies to the urgent ones, goes on a few conference calls) from 3.30pm the kids are at home as well.

He changes all the beds (3) does ALL the washing for the week. Mows the lawn (in the summer). Sweeps the drive. Gets snacks and drink in for the weekend. Does the school runs, both of them.

We also have a cleaner for 2 hours on the Friday morning who does everything else. I dont lift a finger with regards housework ever - literally.

So all that work is about 5-6 hours.... so quite manageable for OP to do while DP is at work.

Thats how I read the posters who said she should be more organised.

What OP shouldnt be doing, is anything that comes up out side of working hours i.e. clearing all the dinner away, the bedtime routine for the child, clearing away coffee cups, biscuit packets etc at the end of the evening. Basically skivvying for her DH. No one should have to skivvy for someone.

That is such a shame about your college course hai, am at your tutor telling you that you had to leave.

Have you looked into what help might be available with courses and stuff like that? There must be something to help with women in your situation?

So your partner was also barely out of school when you had your DC, did he come straight from his parents house to yours, has he ever had to do things like cooking before?
Did you work prior to maternity leave?
Was it a joint decision to have your DC?
Why is it difficult to sit down and talk to him?

foureleven yes it's that MN thing of two people reading the same thing differently

I absolutely agree with Dittany here. Housework, daily cooking, and care of pre-school children are all pretty boring tasks, some more than others, and none of them are valued by our society at all. You OP are contributing to your family's income and assets by the work you do in your house. You should remind your H of this when he treats you with no respect (which he quite likely does because your work is unpaid and unvalued, though in fact just as important to the well-being, existence even, of his family as his paid work is).

I'm also shocked at the 'low IQ' judgment. My cleaner has a computer science degree. She's a pretty lousy cleaner, but I suspect that is much more to do with the fact that she's aghast at having ended up cleaning my loo for a living.

I have been a SAHM for 9 months, and DH pays said cleaner to do just about every single thing that needs doing except cooking (and that's only because she's a really bad cook). This is because I refuse to be an unpaid domestic to my husband and children. DH does not want me to be a domestic. I have used the free time to read a lot, spend much more time with my (school-age) children, train the dog, see friends, and suchlike pursuits that I would rather do than cleaning. (And, I own up, quite a lot of time looking for a new job!) Obviously if we had less money I would have had to do more housework in these months, but not because of any sense of moral obligation.

I cook, but if I don't feel like it then we get take away or go out to eat. Again no sense of moral obligation to produce dinner because I don't have a penis.

Domestic work can easily take much longer than the hours spent in a paid job. I spend 1hr in the morning getting the kids and breakfast etc, plus 45 minutes taking them to school. At least an hour a day walking the dog. I leave at 3 to get the kids, then am looking after them/ supervising homework, taking them to do some activity/ feeding/bathing/reading whatever until 8pm. Plus another 30mins after than making dinner. That's already nearly 8 hours, and I haven't included a single bit of housework/laundry/supermarket shopping/bill paying and general admin.

OP if you want to feel on surer ground, add up an honest total of the exact number of hours you spend in a week doing things for the family, including all housework, cooking, laundry, childcare and running of errands for the house.

I dont know weather i cud get help with college fee's but i would still have the problem with childcare if i went to college

Sorry Romanarama but to me you just sound like someone who is lazy and expects her DH to pay someone to do everything whilst you sit around. You are the type of mum that I despise as it is you that give all women a bad name. NOT those that spend all their time looking after their families.

romanerama - Im with you on the 'shouldnt have to cook dinne rjust because I dont have a penis' business. Belive me.

However, I dont like how its made out that this 'domestic work' takes so long and is equal to the time spent by the person who is outside of the home working...

Because if, as in most cases sadly, its the woman who is at home it makes out like she is incapable and need s40 hours a week to run a simple house. No one needs that much time (unless you have more than one or two under 3s or disabled kids etc etc)

I mean.. an hour to get the kids ready in the morning... what, with one 4 year old as OP has...?

I get my four year old up. sit her at the table, give her her cereal and then she sits there and eats it. Goes to the lounge where Ive laid out her school stuff. she puts the TV on gets dressed. My contribution is about 10 minutes....

and as ive said DP and the cleaner do everything else between them in 5-6 hours.

I actually think that th eproblem begins when you break down everything you do in to hours and minutes.. they are just things we do.. all of us. wipe the kitchen sideboards, dry up a couple of spoons, wipe DDs face blah blah blah

OPs DH however doesnt seem to be doing all of these little things and so she should kill him. Tis most definitely the answer.

hai the fact that you say you don't see any money is a direct illustration of the point. You are working most likely at least as many hours as your h, and your work is allowing him to engage in paid work. If you were not doing this work then he would have to pay someone else to care for his child. This could cost as much as he is earning. So you are contributing equally to the household income and should therefore have equal rights to income and assets. You are quite right to be completely and totally fed up.

Hai - the 'problem with childcare' is a myth. I imagine (although possibly wrongly) that as you are both young the incomes wouldnt be huge..? So you will get about 80% of childcare paid for by tax credits. There's loads of childcare about.

Does your DP encourage the view that childcare is a problem?

Rather harsh pickupyourpants

How romanarama and her DH choose to orgainise their lives/spend their money is up to them.

hai have you looked into it? There must be stuff which runs in school hours. What qualifications do you have? If you are missing any of the ones considered essential by the govt then they run all sorts of courses to get you up to speed. I think? there are bound to be courses in school hours as well or you could do something distance learning while you work when your DC goes to school - there are loads of different things you can do.

Dittany - I agree... But I think what 'pickupyourpants' is trying to say (albeit hidden behind her crass manner!) that in fact spending your day reading, walking the dog and seeing friends while your partner works... male or female... is in fact lazy.

In fact in my opinion it degrades and oppresses women as much as anything by making out that women are somehow deserving of this childlike existance of flaking about while someone supports them..

Generally speaking of course and not including those with 'special circiumstances' like disabled kids etc.