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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to be the only one who does the dinner everynight!

228 replies

Hai1988 · 28/05/2010 16:32

Basicly as i said above, even on DH days off and holidays I am always the one who does it!
and y does he always want feeding when ive just sat down or in the middle of something!!
ITS like having 2 4 year olds in the house sometimes

Does ne one else have this problem, living wit a man who still thinks its the stone age and women cook and man works {shock]

BTW i found out on a recent holiday with the fil that he has these same views on life so ive worked out where its come from {angry]

OP posts:
dittany · 29/05/2010 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YorkshireTeaDrinker · 29/05/2010 13:30

Hai i think this thread has veered off in a direction that has very little to do with your origional post. It sounds like you don't so much resent the amount of work in the house that you do, just resent the fact that your DH takes you so much for granted. My DH is lovely but idle and I have had to occassionally nag him into doing little things like take the bins out / put his mucky pants in the washing basket. I hate having to pester, but do because I don't want the situation to spiral into teh sort of position you seem to be in. I think you do need to talk to him, as calmly as possible, and focus on the fact that his failure to do anything at all makes you feel like an unappreciated drudge. If he's a decent sort of bloke he will want to stop that and make (a probably fairly useless) attempt at redressing the balence.

pagwatch · 29/05/2010 13:47

Yorkshire

in fairness I think it is slightly more than his taking things for granted.
Hai has said that she cannot raise this with him as he become furious and escalates arguements too scary for her son to witness without it being damaging

foureleven · 29/05/2010 14:03

Hai, I dont understand the "i clear away lunch and do the never ending washing" etc stuff it takes about 10 mins to clear away lunch and EVERYONE with kids has never ending washing. You only have one 4 year old...

But yes I agree with others it seems like he takes you for granted. When you both decided that you would be a SAHM did you discuss what your role would involve? From hearing these complaints from people in RL it seems they just sort of ended up not going to work, did all the housework to justify it, DH was ok ith that then DW decides actually thats not how she wants it and DH is confused..

No judgement, that might not be you.

Oh go on then Pagwatch.. explain! Im a nosey old bitch!

pagwatch · 29/05/2010 15:59

depends foureleven....
are you sitting there full of judgmental indignantion...or just comfy, sisterly curiosity? G'wan - tell

foureleven · 29/05/2010 16:26

Haha neither exactly Pag. Id like to think sisterly curiosity but probably more judgey pants!

I just love to hear about how other people live, Im a nosey bitch as I said.

pagwatch · 29/05/2010 16:41

fair enough... half sisterly curiosity, half judgy pants.. Like most of us probably

I worked for 14 years until I had DS2. We decided that I would stay at home a while as we both worked in the City of London in jobs that can't be done anywhere else. We had placed DS1 in a good nursery but the practicalities with two small ones was too much. We envisaged a career break of a few years and maybe then getting a nanny.
Then DS2 developed severe autism.
I couldn't go back to work. Firstly DS2 needs 24 hour care and secondly I was a bit of a mess.

Just as DS2 started at school we had another baby.

We now have substantial income. I don't need to go back. I am DS2s carer once he finishes school but that will be in only four years. So we decided that these school years would be an oppertunity for me to do what I want before DS2s care limits that considerably.
Plus it is a much nicer life for all of us with me at home and my choices outside my old job are not terribly exciting.

We have a humungus house and I do lots of voluntary stuff so am very busy.WE are all pretty happy so it suits us

Thats it really

pagwatch · 29/05/2010 16:44

Should add..
I probably could do the housework on my own but it would be hard as house is very big. But we can afford cleaners every day if I chose. Like others though I don't like other people in my house too much so only have a small gang come twice a week.
I don't see any moral imperative for me to do it tbh. I would rather pay someone a wage.

any questions, oh nosey judgy one?

foureleven · 29/05/2010 16:53

Ha ha I shall follow your posts carefully Pag, you make me laugh!

So, proof that nothing is black and white hey?

pagwatch · 29/05/2010 16:56

I've seen you about. I shall be sure to be more enigmatic in future. Nah, life is always more complicated than we would like. Except footballers wives.

foureleven · 29/05/2010 16:59

Oh, im a footballers wife. Had I not mentioned

Eurghh i think id rather be dead.

pagwatch · 29/05/2010 17:00
Grin
rainbowinthesky · 29/05/2010 17:12

One 4 year old who is in nursery for 4 hours a day. Sound bliss. I would be seriously be driven mad with boredom though. I would seriously be if dh was a sahp in this scenario and moaned about cooking dinner.

pagwatch · 29/05/2010 17:21

I think boredom when you have children at school starts to be about self sufficiency.

being bored at home with a toddler. Being unable to think of anything challenging when you have the day free would worry me a bit

Original poster
Hai1988 · 29/05/2010 17:43

I think you are all sort of misreading the saituation, i just mentioned the dinner thing cus it was one of the things that stood out for me, but i a, just talking about being taken for granted all together.

Me and DH just got back from a little trip to ASDA and i as usual was unpacking the shopping by myself while dh just sat at the kitchen table snacking and smoking as usual. I casually said when i am done unpacking could u start on the dinner please. What i got back was a grunt and a "We'll see" i just let it as that but could feel my blood boiling when suddlely "oo i dont feel so good" im like ffs!!! next thing i know when im done unpacking hes gone from the kitchen and ive found him slumped down of the sofa not saying a word!!
Have put DS's dinner in the oven and now come on MN waiting to see what happens

OP posts:
foureleven · 29/05/2010 17:53

I had a conversation on here with someone the other day about how they had taken the word 'Cherish' out of wedding vows over the last few years.. When did you get married OP cause if it was a while ago I think DP needs to reminded of the vows he took.

I think I (and others) have made it clear that it is your 'job' as the person at home without an awful lot of childcare, to cook the family evening meal but this is actually sickening to read.

Dont do it. In fact. Kill him.

Original poster
Hai1988 · 29/05/2010 18:01

We have been married 2 years this sept.
I am only 21 btw

OP posts:
helmethead · 29/05/2010 18:06

Sorry you have plenty of time to not have to go food shopping, cook or do any housework during the weekend. I'm not surprised with your DH's attitude. I too get sick of the every day cooking - buy ready meals, I have a takeout/ready meal/ dinner out on a Friday to give myself a break.

My DH has a similar attitude but I do have a 3.5 and 1 year old and have it easy compared with those with 3 or more - I have no down time off (except for Cbeebies) as when DD at pre-school DS awake and I still manage but with a cleaner (big house problem too - but I clean the bedrooms as I think its good that the kids help out and see its normal to do chores).

PickUpYourPants · 29/05/2010 18:08

OK so now I start to 'get' your problem, is your DP young like you?

Original poster
Hai1988 · 29/05/2010 18:10

helmet im a bit confused at wat u mean

OP posts:
undercovamutha · 29/05/2010 18:13

YANBU - you are bring taken advantage of.

Three things I always end up saying on threads like this:

  1. IME if your DH is a bit lazy (as mine is), then asking him to do things will make you seem like a nag and kind of gives him control. So agree some things that ONLY he has to do - and make them everyday things if possible. E.g. my DH baths the DCs every night, and I cook the tea whilst he's doing it. He gets to spend time with DCs and I get some peace and listen to the Archers (which I'm sure wouldn't interest you at 21! ).
  1. Agree that you need to have the same amount of FREE TIME. So that if he is chilling out at 8pm, you are too.
  1. Don't be a martyr. You will be the one who suffers.

PLUS as an absolute minimum - get a takeaway on a saturday night and give yourself a break!

ImSoNotTelling · 29/05/2010 18:22

Am at those who think that it is absolutely fine and dandy for man of house to do absoutely fuck all.

dittany · 29/05/2010 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImSoNotTelling · 29/05/2010 18:36

Ignore her hai.

"I'm better than you" is not helpful advice.

foureleven · 29/05/2010 18:41

I dont think Ive seen anyone say that man of house should do fuck all... just that if he's at work all day and DW is at home (and same if roles are reversed) with only one four year old its kind of curtious to make the evening meal for the person who's been out to bring the money home.. And none of this about how being a SAHM IS work because yes, we know it is, but one four year old who's at nursery for half the day is not a full time job in itself.

Hai, are you concerned that at 21 you are settling in to this life...? Ask any of the 40 year olds on here with a controlling, lazy, selfish partner if they could go back to 21 and make different choices... I thinkI know what they'd say.

Its easy when you first start out to follow stereotypes that have been set out and 'play house' for a bit. The man you are with has taken advatage of this.

As Dittany asked... how old is he?