to not want to be the only one who does the dinner everynight!

[Hai1988]

Basicly as i said above, even on DH days off and holidays I am always the one who does it!
and y does he always want feeding when ive just sat down or in the middle of something!!
ITS like having 2 4 year olds in the house sometimes

Does ne one else have this problem, living wit a man who still thinks its the stone age and women cook and man works {shock]

BTW i found out on a recent holiday with the fil that he has these same views on life so ive worked out where its come from {angry]

we know what you mean.
But we don't know why you are not doing anything about it

Get yourself into a routine/system so that your do the vast majority of the routine chores/laundry/food shopping during the week while your DH is at work. Make the supper every evening from Monday to Friday (only reasonable). Think about what chores/catering etc you would really like him to do at the weekend and have a proper civilised conversation about it.

Well bonsoir, there is never a time that a small child does not need looking after. When can you leave a small child alone? When can you leave a small child unsupervised? When can you not attend to the needs of your small child? Small children wake in the night.

So the caring for a small child part of being a family is actually 24 / 7. There is no point that you stop being in charge of your small child. Now, that varies from intensive, to simply a watchful eye or a listening ear, but it is NEVER not there.

Cleaning - 2 hours a day? More if you have a big house or if. ahem. you do it more thoroughly than me
Cooking - hour and a half a day? More if you do fancy meals
school runs - 20 minutes there, 20 minutes back, twice a day = 1hr 20 a day
Ironing, well, I do mine once a week - all clothes worn by a family of 4 over 7 days! and it takes me 4 - 6 hours
budgeting - I have a spreadsheet, I might spend an hour or so a week on it. More if I am trying to pull money out of my arse
misc stuff - making phone calls, ringing in meter readings, sorting out school stuff, arranging appointments, etc etc a couple of hours a week,
so that's (weekdays only) 10 + 10.5 + 6hr40m + 5 + 1 + 2 = over 35 hours

And that's 35 hours - weekdays only! Not adding cooking, cleaning etc on weekends. and it's WIHOUT adding the time spent with the kids - you know, the 24/7 supervision children need! Plus any time actually interacting with them!

So I fail to see how anyone can say that a SAHM can't clock up 40 hours a week!

Oh! Washing! 2 hours a week - that's finding the dirty clothes!! ferrying them downtairs! bunging them into the washing machine, getting them dry, sorting them out, putting them away....

So now we're over 37 hours a week and we STILL haven't paid any attention to the kids!

sorry pagwatch, its just some of the posts seem to say that they thought i was (being lazy) that i didnt put his dinner on the table and that i was complaning about doing housework.

I dont know what to do about it, i have spoke to him,asked him to do things, gone on strike not done it ,he doesnt listen, still does nothing and the lanudry just gets higher and higher as does the rest of his mess.

What im trying to say is ive done all or ur suggestions and they havent done a thing

But you haven't done them

Have you actually read what people have suggested. Have you read what I have suggested?

You don't cook for HIM at the weekend
You don't wash HIS clothes.
If he is inconvenienced then he will be motivated to change his behaviour.

I've never had only one child, since DP came with two ready-made ones. And I really, truly cannot say that even with one child FT and two children half-time (and that is more than a 2 FT equivalent, btw) that household tasks during the working week have ever been anything like as onerous as DP's job. How could they possibly be???

yes ive read what everyone has suggested and like i said i have done this before, and it just ending in a very argry and heated row which is not good for my DS.

Bonsoir - do you have a nanny/aupair / cook / cleaner / any household help at all? or at any point? Or have you always managed the household entirely by yourself? Because I am VERY interested in you teaching me how to be able to run a household and do all the housework, childcare, shopping, cooking etc in so much less time. - seriously! I am not being sarcastic! If you can manage to make it only a few short hours then I want you to tell me how. I think we would all benefit from it.

Then I could actually LIVE on here

So, you ask him to help and he won't. And if you don't cook for him he shouts angrily at you in front of your child? And he refuses to discuss it?

What is it that you like about him?

Ohhhhh now holidays....

Christmas off I still cook
Easter off I still cook
Bank holidays I still cook
Holidays (stay with DPs parents who have big house and a boat) I still cook for my children every day and sometimes for all of us (4 adults 2 kids)

But tonight, tonight the chef in the Indian restaurant in town (the posh and pricey one) will be cooking for me, and a nice man will bring it to my door and all I have to do is put the dishes in the dishwasher after I have eaten....ohhhhh bliss

give him a paper plate

and stick pictures of food on it....

I am now back at work three days a week - and it's far less onerous than looking after small children. However much the work piles up, I am allowed loo breaks, I don't have to take my students into the loo with me or keep the door open to make sure they don't murder each other, noone bites me or clings to me or throws up on me. Don't get me wrong- I loved being a SAHM: I just don't think for ease of living that it compares to sitting in front of a computer or marching up and down talking to a class of students.

Dh can never pull the one about his job being so much harder as we used to work at same workplace - and he has been a SAHD.

So he pitches in with the housework without complaints.

Why dont you go to work OP and pay a cleaner...

or just leave him the bill for cleaning

Hai

Instead of getting into a discussion/argument
why not declare to yourself that the weekends to be a tidying and cleaning free zone?

If you aren't at work in the week you an catch up on the chores then. Nothing dreadful will happen if the plates and mugs stay unwashed till Monday, when you have a blitz!

Similarly, you could just make a decision not to cook a 'proper' meal at the weekends: soup or sandwich for lunch, and a take-away or eat out in the evening. Or, cook a big stew/lasagna on Friday and re-heat for all meals .

I don't imagine that it will take your DH very long at all to notice that something has changed, and who knows what might happen.

Indeed, HecateQueenOfWitches, I seem to recall that Bonsoir sends her ironing out!

Hai1988

May I just quote this sentence back at you "When i decided to be a SAHM i knew that it would be my job to do all the housework/cooking ect.. "

and then this one .....

"What im trying to say is why is it always me 24/7 365 days a year !!"

Sentence 1 answers sentence 2 basically!

YANBU

This situation arises because childcare is not valued properly by either men or women.

All household tasks should be split 50/50 regardless of who is SAH.

Think through this situation - women is a full time nanny - husband does some office job - they both work outside the home 40 hours a week.

Do you think it is fair that tasks are split?
They certainly should be.

Then think through why you think this is somehow different when the women does the same job in her own home for no wage.

There is an additional problem that a lot of typical "male" tasks - gardening/car maintenace/ house hold maintenance will often be routinely outsorced yet women are seen as "lazy" for having a cleaner.

Also - and this for me is key - these "male" Tasks - do not repeat every day and there are no major consequences if they are postponed for while - this is not the same as the cooking/shopping/cleaning etc which has to be kept up with.

Bonsoir - perhaps you'd consider letting us all know:

a) the outside help you have in the house

b) the number of child-free hours you have per week (i.e. when DD in childcare)

Without this info I feel that some posters/readers of this thread will feel unecessarily inferior to you .

doesn't a 4 year old spend a couple of hours a day at nursery?

life of reilly

Hecate - no-one! Well, the window cleaners come 4x a year and I send men's shirts out to be ironed. And do internet shopping for the boring stuff. But that really is it!

DD is at school four mornings and four afternoons a week. But she hardly ever eats at the canteen - I have lunch with her every day.

I don't have a car, btw - I do all the school runs/fresh food shopping/errands on foot (this saves on hell aka the gym). But I do have very superior household appliances!

I was responding to the op re child at nursery, life of reilly

I have cleaners and gardeners and yet DH still helps
But i am a laugh and worth his attention

I just don't think all that household stuff takes very much time if you are any good at it... Just get organised! I've had people over for four different meals this week, the estate agents round (so place needed to look perfect), friends to play, the boys have been here half the time, tutors over... As long as you never let stuff get bad, it just sorts itself really and you can have plenty of fun family time and friends too.