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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be in a murderous mood now that

197 replies

Zebra33 · 18/05/2010 07:39

my hubby woke me up from my slumber to make him sandwiches for work????? I have a 10 week old who is still up twice in the night and a 3 year old who also gets up in the night who tend to. I could just pack up and leave now!!!!

OP posts:
whenslydale · 18/05/2010 18:53

op - if you're still out there after all the ear-bashing...you say he is 'sweet' but this behaviour is way outside the normal 'inconsiderate bloke' type of behaviour. He woke you up, despite knowing all you're going through, then he chucked the stupid sandwiches in the bin anyway and then he tries to make you feel worse by texting a fake apology which is actually an excuse. This is a ruthlessly selfish person. I am sorry you've had such a roasting on here - perhaps you should go to 'relationships' where you might get a more considered response.

Morloth · 18/05/2010 18:57

Do you know I cannot think of a single reason/excuse for a grown man in possession of a whole set of working limbs to wake up anyone (let alone someone with a young baby) to make him a sandwich. Not one.

It is so outside the realms of normal/reasonable behaviour that it has moved into utterly bizarre territory.

Goblinchild · 18/05/2010 19:01

It's just a bloke who's slow to adapt to changing circumstances and is on the egocentric side. He needs to learn that things have changed permanently. Make a list of his new responsibilities including making lunches and bringing you tea in bed.

Goblinchild · 18/05/2010 19:02

I was ill for three weeks and my OH had to make the lunches. That was five years ago, and as I never de-programmed him, he's still making lunches.

whenslydale · 18/05/2010 19:04

After 3 years and 10 weeks I think he should have got the message by now if he was going to get it. If I was Zebra I would shove off somewhere for a few days and leave him to think about his attitude.

Goblinchild · 18/05/2010 19:06

But she'd have to leave the children with him to allow him to truly have reason to rue his thoughtlessness.

FuckingPants · 18/05/2010 19:18

I don't get this "training" of blokes that some women seem to think is their responsibilty

How demeaning...for you, and for him

Don't put up with it in the first place the very first time it happens

better still, don't marry a selfish prick (although I accept you don't always realise it, until it's too late...or a baby alters the dynamics)

It's not a difficult concept to grasp, however...even for a "dimwitted dog bloke"

A sad indictment of male/female partnerships in this day and age if this kinda crap is still happening in households in the 21st century

Original poster
Zebra33 · 18/05/2010 19:19

Thanks for that Maltesers!!
This is not a wind up.
And I was laughing angrily in disbelief at how ridiculous this situation is not that I found it funny!

Needless to say that he is very apologetic tonight, and we will have a chat about it. And I am going to hand him my resignation of sarnie duties, NO MORE!

OP posts:
Just13moreyearstogo · 18/05/2010 19:28

Michael Macintyre said the only time a bloke should ever consider waking a sleeping mother is if it's snowing in August or a major celeb has died, preferably both at the same time. Even that's pushing it IMO.

lazarusb · 18/05/2010 19:33

Isn't he able to make his own tea/sandwich, poor love? I'd write him a few instructions, better still, e-mail them to his work!

mathanxiety · 18/05/2010 19:51

Watch out for the waking you up thing though, Zebra. It can develop into an abusive pattern.

I don't know how it can have escaped his notice that you've been feeding a baby presumably around the clock and have not been getting much sleep. And yet he woke you. There's cruelty and complete selfishness there.

FuckingPants · 18/05/2010 19:54

math, I agree with you

such self-entitlement, selfishness and torture cannot be anything but

sleep deprivation...well-known torture technique

it will certainly put you on the back foot, mentally and emotionally, to be woken up for no good reason at all when your sleep patterns are already disrupted

my first baby tried to kill me by depriving me of sleep (I kid you not...)

if someone woke me from a well-deserved kip, they would take their life in their hands

Hullygully · 18/05/2010 19:55

FuckingPants - How well your new name doth

AnyFucker · 18/05/2010 19:58

yep, have changed back now though

MiladyDeWinterOfDiscontent · 18/05/2010 20:06

It is abuse though, it was the first thing exH did to me, started when I was on maternity leave and up all night with the baby moving, he'd make damn sure I was awake when he had to get up for work.

He only even had a job for a few weeks and enraged me by shouting every time that it was unfair that because I was a woman and could get pregnant I could laze in bed all day

It progressed to biting me on the hand when I didn't get up "in time" to see to dd before he woke.

He was out on his arse before she was a few months old though.

junglist1 · 18/05/2010 20:11

Women like you is why abusive men feel justified. The amount of times I heard "so and sos wife does it". The amount of abuse I listened to because I still refused. Women like you piss me right off.

AnyFucker · 18/05/2010 20:12

bloody hell, milady

was he mentally ill ?

Morloth · 18/05/2010 20:17

Oh no junglist you don't get to blame a woman for the way a man behaves, not any man. Only the man is abusive is to blame for his actions, only him.

No woman deserves to be abused, regardless of whether she "accepts" it or not. That is complete crap.

mathanxiety · 18/05/2010 20:18

But a lot of abusive men make up stuff about other men's wives too, and their own partner always ends up looking like a sad sack no matter what... They just have caricatures of what women are in their heads.

MiladyDeWinterOfDiscontent · 18/05/2010 20:19

Probably AF, I used to like a smoke myself before dinner / bed when I was a student as did most of my friends but he was addicted I think, he used to fly into a rage the minute he woke up and needed a spliff practically before he even got out of bed.

That and he was an all-round twunt who saw his Dad treat women like dirt and his mum put up with it

junglist1 · 18/05/2010 20:20

I just did Morloth. These fucking doormats make life hard for real women. I lived it so I know. I've seen the "women" offering coffee every 2 seconds. It's disgusting.

Headbanger · 18/05/2010 20:25

I slightly agree with Junglist, in that no woman has to put up with it. saying it's 100% the man's fault is effectively saying the poor little thing is a helpless voiceless victim etc. etc.. Women are perfectly capable of refusal and strength, FGS.

junglist1 · 18/05/2010 20:29

That's what I'm saying. The shit I had to go through because I stood firm was unreal. What doesn't help is his friends wives bending over backwards. It made my life harder and NOBODY on here can tell me different I'm talking about personal experience. Don't belittle it

MiladyDeWinterOfDiscontent · 18/05/2010 20:30

Sorry meant to explain I think exH had cannabis-induced psychosis.

I also understand your point of view junglist, I wish I had known more about the dynamic of MIL and FIL's relationship but in retrospect that was well-hidden until I was married and pregnant.

They were all completely gobsmacked that I was prepared to kick H out with a young baby to raise / fuck-up my career / lose my house rather than live that life. They all seriously thought I'd put up with it!

AnyFucker · 18/05/2010 20:31

I have to say...as a woman, if you have the unfortunate luck to meet and set up home with a potentially-abusive twat, you will get the behaviour you are prepared to put up with

I do not think that is the same as saying that someone deserves it

Thankfully, not all men are potential abusers

Thankfully, not all women will put up with it

Some are though, and some will...equals bad relationship

At some point though, either of the partners could change the direction of their lives if they only realised in time, listened to advice and weren't blinded by romantic love and denial