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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be in a murderous mood now that

197 replies

Zebra33 · 18/05/2010 07:39

my hubby woke me up from my slumber to make him sandwiches for work????? I have a 10 week old who is still up twice in the night and a 3 year old who also gets up in the night who tend to. I could just pack up and leave now!!!!

OP posts:
OldMacEIEIO · 18/05/2010 11:13

dont listen to these harpies.
you dont fight fire with fire, you fight it with water.
Next time he's after some youknowwhat, tell him youre too tired what with buttie-making duties and next times he's sh@gged out with a hangover , wake him up every five minutes and tell him the lawn needs mowing and the fence needs painting

Gibbon · 18/05/2010 11:18

Ah yes withold sex and make him do 'manly' jobs around the house

elmofan · 18/05/2010 11:19

oldmac lol you sound like me thats exactly what i do to dh after he has acted like a prat

maltesers · 18/05/2010 11:20

If he carries on like this, then his tea deserves , what my Ex got . . . .a small amount of spit in it. Sorry, but my ex was a complete and utter Bastard just like this man.

AnyFucker · 18/05/2010 11:22

shut up with the harpy comments

zebra, I am totally serious here when I say I wouldn't be laughing at being treated like this

I would be planning my way out of my relationship

Original poster
Zebra33 · 18/05/2010 11:42

MmeLindt - he's not usually like this, is usually sweet (though selfish) but when it comes to anything to do with the kitchen, he's an absolute moron and no, can't even make himself a f'ing sandwich!!
GRRRR, I'm getting angry again! Am certainly going to make him grovel till the cows come home!!!!

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 18/05/2010 11:44

Ok, so he is not always like this?

Just kitchen duties or all housework?

AnyFucker · 18/05/2010 11:45

zebra...you are happy to be a kitchen maid then ?

OldMacEIEIO · 18/05/2010 11:49

AF , there is a time and a place to be a kitchen maid. There is a time and a place to be hard nosed and play hard ball.

There is never a time and a place to be a harpy

RedRedWine1980 · 18/05/2010 11:50

Im sorry but if you treat him like this of course he will never learn to make any food or be good at doing anything in the kitchen- I cant believe its 2010 and there are still men AND women like this!

RedRedWine1980 · 18/05/2010 11:52

He CANT make a sandwich because he knows he doesnt have to- i'd be embarrased to be married to such a dollop.

AnyFucker · 18/05/2010 11:53

thanks for the advice, OldMac

I'm not sure how standing up for yourself ever equated to being a harpy but whatevs

Being a harpy to me implies unreasonableness or a reaction that is not proportionate to the situation

that is not the case here

I am no-one's domestic slave and would never tolerate anyone trying to make me so

MmeLindt · 18/05/2010 11:55

OldMac
I actually a agree with AF. Not that being a harpy is what I would aim for. I find the idea of withholding sex or nagging him to paint the fence when he is hungover to be childish in the extreme.

Why do women play these games instead of sitting down and saying, "Right, DH. Your actions this morning upset me. I feel that you are not treating me with respect. I will not be spoken to like that, I will not be treated like a slave".

Hullygully · 18/05/2010 11:56

It seems that the OP really wanted a little bit of collusion along the "oh dear, men! what can you do, you've gotta luv 'em" lines. But it isn't really working out.

There should be a surrendered section for this stuff.

Hullygully · 18/05/2010 11:56

"hubby" is always a giveaway on the surrendered front.

OldMacEIEIO · 18/05/2010 11:57

my advice is free.

it seems to me the butty is not the problem. the problem is waking someone up when they are knackered

that is just wrong. and its nothing to do with being a maid a man or a woman or a slave

Chandon · 18/05/2010 11:59

I am a SAHM with kids in school.

So I do the house, garden, and cook dinner every day (incl. hols, weekends etc.)

BUT I would not make DH sandwiches, as I am not his mum.

A boy (or girl) over the age of about 8 (including men)can surely do his own sandwiches????

Where do you draw the line?

Would you wipe his bum for him?

Is he a helpless invalid?

I always think that calmly refusing is better than angrily complying.

Better not to do something, explain why, than doing it angrily and then being angry with him AND yourself.

Hullygully · 18/05/2010 12:00

Should she make his butties if she happens to be awake then?

Always?

Sometimes?

She was awoken BECAUSE he wanted butties. That indicates he thought he was in the right to do so. Which suggests he expects his butties made at all times QED she is a surrendered twat.

piprabbit · 18/05/2010 12:01

Firstly, I'd recommend making packed luches the night before if at all possible - much less stressful.

So, tell him that you are going to train him like a surgeon - watch one, do one, teach one.

Tonight, demonstrate to him how sandwiches are made.
Tomorrow he can make his own.
And pretty soon he'll be able to teach the children how to make theirs.

Or does he want his children growing up to think he is such a fuckwit he can't put some ham between a couple of slices of bread?

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 18/05/2010 12:01

I am reminded of Rebecca West, here: i don't know what a harpy is, all I know is that I'm accused of being one every time I express an opinion that differentiates me from a doormat.

I do not believe for one second that Zebra's husband just woke her up this once, on the off chance. This is a pattern of behaviour, surely. He thinks his job is so important that you can just wait on and serve him whenever it suits him, with no regard at all for your wellbeing.

Sod that. Seriously. That's just utter, utter bollocks.

And Oldmac, seriously, using sex (or withholding it) to get your partner to behave is pretty fucking degrading too. You have sex with your partner because you enjoy it and you love them, not as a bartering tool to get what you want. You're not a sex worker, it's not a commercial transaction, and he's not a punter. Grow up and start treating your relationship with some respect.

Chandon · 18/05/2010 12:04

other "keep the peace" idea:

You say he doesn´t know HOW to make a sarnie.

Next Weekend, ask him to come into the kitchen. you gently teach him where everything is, how to slice the bread. How to spread the butter, where to find fillings in the fridge. How to put it in a little bag or box. How to wipe away crumbs afterwards (or maybe that would be too much for one session).

If he keeps getting it wrong or forgetting, whenever you have a quite moment, teach him anew.

He´ll get the hang of it.

What makes this hard: Try keeping impatience or sarcasm out of your voice.

Longtalljosie · 18/05/2010 12:06

Zebra, don't get mad, get rational. Tell him you aren't going to make his sandwiches for work any more.

If he tries to use this as the springboard for a row, tell him you're not stropping, you're just telling him how it is.

Don't even go into the sleep thing yet (one message at a time) but if he tries to wake you again, at that point tell him if he wants you up when he's up, you'll also wake him when you're up, ie for the night feeds.

OldMacEIEIO · 18/05/2010 12:09

I am a great believer in sharing the load. If I am knackered, let me sleep, if OH is knackered let them sleep. Whoever has least on, make the butties, preferably the night before.
The withholding sex and the harpy comments were tongue in cheek - my point is - you have identified a problem now how do you deal with it ?
call in the lawyers ? or do it gently ?

I would do it gently and with as much humour as I could muster

RudeEnglishLady · 18/05/2010 12:10

'using sex (or withholding it) to get your partner to behave is pretty fucking degrading too. You have sex with your partner because you enjoy it and you love them, not as a bartering tool to get what you want. You're not a sex worker, it's not a commercial transaction, and he's not a punter.'

Thats so true and well put. I think that whole 1950's 'well, he's been good so I'll let him have a bit' is just sick. Like sex is not for women - just for men.

foreverastudent · 18/05/2010 12:38

Next time you're doing a night-feed 'accidently' spill your cup of tea over him. See how much he likes that.

Prick.