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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think if my dc doesn't want to be friends with your dc please don't force the issue.

168 replies

kolacubes · 14/05/2010 20:25

My ds (5) has a group of friends that all get on really well with. They went to pre school together, and are now in the same class at school.

Now another child who ds went to pre school with is in another class at same school. This child would follow my son round at pre school and at any parties etc. And one day at a party my ds asked this boy to stop following him he worded it polietly for a 3 year old 'Please stop coming after me'. This child's dad said why - and my ds said 'Because he bores me.' I was embarrassed but thought well can't argue with his honesty. Anyway this child carried on following my ds around.

Anyway to the present day - the other child's parents are asking the teacher's to pair my child with their child, to move their child into the same class as mine so the 'friendship can develop', and keep asking for play dates, which I politely decline.

The teacher has now asked what I want to do, and I said to the teacher 'I leave the decision making up to you, but my child isn't wanting a friendship with them at all'.

AIBU to want to say to this mother please leave my dc alone? Or do I stay out of it as I currently have, although I feel with the pushing the other mother is doing, that I need to help my dc?

OP posts:
itsmeitsmeolord · 14/05/2010 20:28

They asked to move their child to the same class as yours specifically to make them become friends??

Stalker alert!

I would have to say something.
Or call the police.
Or move house,country, change names.....

parakeet · 14/05/2010 20:28

I am amazed that you didn't tell the teacher you were vehemently opposed to your son switching classes. Most disruptive for him. And they have a bloody cheek to request it without asking your permission first.

BAFE · 14/05/2010 20:30

YABU - you should be raising your children to be kind and inclusive to everyone. Unless this child is nasty, then you, as a mother, should be encouraging your ds to include him.

Sorry but your job is to raise kind polite children and it doesn't lookas though your ds is being either to this boy does it?

Original poster
kolacubes · 14/05/2010 20:31

I said to the teacher do you normally mix the classes up at the end of the year then? No not normally, but we can if you want. I said are there others you want to mix, and she was like well there could be if we decide to get these together.

I said he likes his group so don't remove those, but if the mix is for other's benefit I understand, but not because of this child.

But now I am thinking I should say to the teacher, I am very anti this, only cause my dc would be.

OP posts:
Oblomov · 14/05/2010 20:32

The rules of school : where possible let the school deal with it.
Don't say anyhting to the parents. At next parents evening,for e.g., have a word, look teacher in eye and just confirm that you both understand what is going on here.

that is all that needs to be done.

WhiteRosesAreNice · 14/05/2010 20:33

maybe this child has difficulty making friends and would just like to be friendly with someone familiar to him.

How do you need to help your child? He seems perfectly capable of dealing with this himself. Maybe you/your child could show some compassion for someone else who is not as confiendet as your child.

To be honest I feel very sorry for this other child.

Original poster
kolacubes · 14/05/2010 20:34

BAFE - I thought my dc was being very tolerant, of someone he doesn't particularly like, and has only ever been negative once. And he can't be that nasty, otherwise I would expect the mother to be saying, please keep that child away from mine, not please make that child my child's partner.

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 14/05/2010 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BAFE · 14/05/2010 20:36

I didnt say your ds was nasty. I said unless the other child was nasty then there was no reason to say anything.

I repeat, your job as a mother is to raise nice, kind caring children.

MadamDeathstare · 14/05/2010 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pickledmonkey · 14/05/2010 20:38

aw you sound very mean.

you can't pick and choose you who dc can be friends with, the other child will lean that your dc 'bores' him in his own time, without interference from parents.

Original poster
kolacubes · 14/05/2010 20:40

I would say he just finds him indifferent. If all the boys are playing then he has absolutely no problem. I think this boy may be one who prefers to play one on one, being with my dc, whilst mine prefers to play in a group, and when all playing he has never said there is a problem.

I would presume that he likes the fact he gets a break from the intensity of the other child during class, but plays with him and the other boys at breaks.

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 14/05/2010 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
kolacubes · 14/05/2010 20:42

I have no problem with who my dc are friends with, and as long as they are not being mean or rude to anyone and are tolerant of all then that is fine. I am just concerned, that this other mother is adament that after almost 3 academic years together, the fact that my dc hasn't chosen her son as best buddy she is now trying to force the issue.

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 14/05/2010 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
kolacubes · 14/05/2010 20:43

Thank you MadamDeathStare

OP posts:
Goldenbear · 14/05/2010 20:46

Agree with BAFE in that I think it is important to encourage your child to be inclusive and polite. I think it is a bit mean to label a 5 year old a stalker maybe he just doesn't have the sophisticated social skills that your son appears to possess.

Frankly, I would have words with my ds if he told someone that they were a bore; not in a severe way but I have started to encourage my ds who is nearly 3 to understand that direct exclusion is unkind.

Mamalade · 14/05/2010 20:46

BAFE, the child is 5 years old fgs.

DuelingFanjo · 14/05/2010 20:46

I think it's weird that a parent would target another child like this, would ask a teacher to put their child in a specific class just because they want them to be friends with a specific child.

Maybe you should be clearer with the teacher about it. It's not rude, the teacher wouldn't have asked you unless she/he thought there was something to be concerned about.

AMumInScotland · 14/05/2010 20:50

I think you've made it clear to the teacher that this isn't something that both mothers are trying to engineer - it is now up to the teacher to decide whether it would be a good thing to move this other boy or ot - that may depend if he's having problems in his current class or not.

I wouldn't say anything to the other mother - you are already politely declining play dates, you don't need to say anything specific about this, unless she brings up the subject herself.

It sounds like your DS isn't suffering at all and is quite able to deal with the situation himself - better to leave it at that.

Oblomov · 14/05/2010 20:51

kola is a reception mum right ? well as a year 1 mum, i can offer a couple of expereince pointers, although none of them relates to the issue of this other boy admittedly.

  1. although your son seems to befriends with the boys from his nursery, thsi could change, adn the teachers with their experience see different friendships develop throughout the year. we are only in spring term here. so it could be best for your son to make a new friend, not neccessarily this boy, but a new one altogether. often old nursery friends don't last the year !! i trusted the teachers to encourage 2) new friendships, that "compliment eachother perfectly", and i try to encourage these friendships, alongside all my ds's other friends becasue i beleive and trust the teachers.
  2. you wouldn't believe, how petty some mums are. we have 3 mums in our year of 60, who have openly discouraged a friendship and it is so bitchy. and like mums being 3 yr olds. and the rest of us have looked on with horror. saying that, at the same time, if you feel strongly, please talk tot he teacher. but never talk to anyone else about this!! tis best , believe me. oh yes, my sons school have make a new friend week, where thye are matched and are only allowed to play , only with this new friend. fab, this bought about one of the new frindships that my son has. the other boy had no friends at all . but as it goes, my son and him compliement eachother perfectly. and i was all in support of this. what a fab idea.

what else, what else. can't think.

Oblomov · 14/05/2010 20:53

fanjo, goes on all the time. honestly when someone told me there was 'playground politics, i had no idea. frightening.

notso · 14/05/2010 20:54

A similar thing is happening to my DS, the Mum moved her son into DS's class at the start of reception.
The boys are in the same group of friends, but the Mum wants them to be best friends, she buys DS really lavish presents and gets her son to hug and kiss mine in the morning and at the end of the day, she even offered to get me a job and in the summer holidays went to my Mums work to try and get my address so they could come round.
DS does like the boy but says that he generally only wants DS to play his games and is a bit bossy so DS would prefer just to play with everyone together.
I find it a bit uncomfortable to be honest but don't want to be rude because they are basically just being kind.

bosch · 14/05/2010 20:55

Just to clarify, if I've understood it right - there is no question of the OP's son being moved. It is the parents of the other boy who are requesting that their boy move class.

I think if OP has no intention of getting to the bottom of this apparent 'hero worship' of her son - not saying I would, but it's clearly at the least a bemusing situation...

Then I am really sad that this other little boy is going to learn at such an early age just how normal it is for the world to be a shitty place to be in. Its completely human nature for op's son to react the way he has done and I'm not having a dig, but the other boy is just putting himself up for a metaphorical kicking. He's going to find out that his hero doesn't want to have anything to do with him. Isn't that just really awfully sad.

moominmarvellous · 14/05/2010 20:56

YANBU at all to feel that way.

I have experienced the same thing with a mother at DD's ballet class - although in this case neither child is interested in the other but the mother seems to really want them to be friends. It's very irritating, and not how friendships are supposed to be formed IMO. It's too much and makes you want to pull in completely the opposite direction.

I think the other parent is hoping to integrate her child better by putting him together with your son, but I can't see what encouraging a dependency on another child would achieve? I would say that to the teacher.

Your son is forging his own path and if he's happy, why would anyone want to burden such a little boy with 'looking after' someone elses child? Yes he should be kind, tolerant etc, but if you feel that it would be detrimental to your son, I'd be requesting that the teacher suggest other ways they could build their childs confidence.