to think if my dc doesn't want to be friends with your dc please don't force the issue.

[kolacubes]

My ds (5) has a group of friends that all get on really well with. They went to pre school together, and are now in the same class at school.

Now another child who ds went to pre school with is in another class at same school. This child would follow my son round at pre school and at any parties etc. And one day at a party my ds asked this boy to stop following him he worded it polietly for a 3 year old 'Please stop coming after me'. This child's dad said why - and my ds said 'Because he bores me.' I was embarrassed but thought well can't argue with his honesty. Anyway this child carried on following my ds around.

Anyway to the present day - the other child's parents are asking the teacher's to pair my child with their child, to move their child into the same class as mine so the 'friendship can develop', and keep asking for play dates, which I politely decline.

The teacher has now asked what I want to do, and I said to the teacher 'I leave the decision making up to you, but my child isn't wanting a friendship with them at all'.

AIBU to want to say to this mother please leave my dc alone? Or do I stay out of it as I currently have, although I feel with the pushing the other mother is doing, that I need to help my dc?

"I am sure they would resent it if their boss came along and insisted they went before they had a chance to make up their own minds. "

Oh but that does happen. It's called a 'team build'.

It was a joke!

I don't understand the big deal about the play dates. Say yes once, tell your son to have a nice time, try not to say anything negative about it beforehand, and if he comes home unhappy don't do it again.

Doesn't seem to complex to me.

Haven't read all the thread but does anyone else think it's a teensy bit pretentious for a five year old to say 'he bores me'

OP, i dont think you are being unreasonable, the other parent is forcing the issue, your son made it clear that he was not keen on their child, and you have made it clear to them [by declining playdates] and the class teacher that you do not want to push the matter!
im not sure whether youve answered this already, but is your DS negative towards the idea of playdates?

oh, and i was 'the other parent' in this situation. i caught on to my DD's behaviour at a party, and had a quiet word with the other mum just to say i knew what was going on and that i hoped she'd grow out of it.
i also had another parent come and ask me for a playdate, and that led on to other friends. maybe i pushed my DD away from that child by having playdates with other children, but it worked, and a few years later they were great friends!

kola - I agree with MadameDeathstare and others. Your son doesn't sound like he needs help. He sounds pretty able to handle the situation. I have a lot of sympathy with this other mother (and her child), but I don't think her strategy is going to work and for that reason it might be better if the school doesn't agree with her request. (However, I don't necessarily think it would do your son any harm to have him in the class with this boy)

But your DS is perfectly within his rights to not want a playdate with this boy. If it was my son, I think I would have got the hint by now, so it is a little odd that she is persisting in asking. Why set her son up for disappointment? It sounds as if the mother is maybe socially anxious herself, and pushing too hard. I too understand that impulse ......

lisianthus - i don't know why the parents have chosen my son, the child has known the other boys as long as my child, and like I said all the boys play well together.

britfish - he's not negative to playdates per se. unlike my other children who say yes to every invite going, he is selective to whom he wants to go to.

I have 'forced' playdates with other children in the past, and had them here and have found them hard work. In as much as, when its 2 children who click, they entertain themselves, and need little intervention.

When it's ones I've arranged (rather than he's requested) I've found although both children are well behaved, they both ask me what can they do, and don't interact with each other in the same way, not negatively, just I'm sorting it from one game to the next. e.g. shall we do snakes and ladders, ok shall we go on the bikes, now play cars.

Thank you MDS.

Glad some of yesterdays contributers to this thread have taken a day off, I got so annoyed by the way some posters spoke of OP's son that I stopped reading.

If the restraint kolacubes has showed on this thread is an example of how she's teaching her son to behave, then she's doing a great job!

I agree moominmarvellous some of the people on here expect a 5 year old to behave like a 15 year old and have very advanced cognitive skills way beyond their years I had a lovely day off though in London with my one friend at school . Kolacubes son is being very nice, he is playing nicely with the boy, and being polite, not nasty or bullying. So what if he does not want to be bf with this other boy, he should not have to. All he should do is carry on doing as he is doing.

I think the OP's son sounds like quite a sweet little boy actually

I know plenty of worldly 5yos who would have sent this other boy packing in no uncertain terms

I worry when parents try to engineer friendships for their children though, although I can understand why they do it if their child is struggling socially

IMO it doesn't work and it just leads to the child in volved getting hurt.

It's totally out of order for posters to be unkind about the OP's son.

I find myself stalking Greensleeves ,and agreeing with her again.

Honestly,you'd swear OP's son told the kid to 'fuck off' or something the way some posters attacked OP!

The other boy's father sounds like a nutter to me.He asked a really stupid question of a three year old boy, and didn't like the answer.Tough!

I think OP's son sounds like a very 'together' little boy,and if you can at all OP,take it as a compliment that the other boy's parents are so keen for the boys to be friends.

(I promise I'll leave you alone Greensleeves!)

Thank you so much for those lovely comments.

I'm trying to do the best job I can, but hence why I use MN as I want to understand other people's perspectives.

I'm taken aback by the fact that the other boy's father saw fit to subject Kolacube's son to the third degree when he was 3 years old regarding his attitude to sticking plaster boy. No wonder this child is having a rough time developing relationships normally and naturally if his parents are so lacking themselves in the social skills department.

There's a girl in DD3's class (age roughly 12) who has parents like this -- she is friendless, and it's very sad, but it's her parents' fault. One of the things children need to learn as they go through school is that not everyone has to love you as your mum and dad do, and the fact that someone doesn't want to be your BFF is not a disaster.

Even from a very young age children push back against someone whose approach is off kilter.

I know what you mean about why you use MN kolacubes, but it's comments such as some of the ones you received that make me want to not bother with it at all.

Some posters are like a dog with a bone trying to provoke a reaction it seems, rather than give constructive advice. They then justify being rude with 'well you did post in AIBU'

You did well not to rise to it. I was reading thinking, 'the next post. the next post she's going to kick off' - but you didn't! good on you!

To be fair marmalade there is no evidence that the other father asked a stupid question- asking a 3year olds 'whats up' when they are gumping at oanother one isnt unreasonable, and there is also nothing to say he didnt like the answer.
Its a bit unfair to call him a nutetr when all he did was TWO YEARS AGO, ask a child why they were upset at his child- possibly even just to see if he could help resolve things if his child had been pushing or pinching or something.

Re Kolacubes, Its a very hard one and I can see you dont want to be friends here, and I can totally appreciate where you are coming from despite feeling desperately sorry for the little lad concerned. Would it really not be worth trying ONE playdate tho to just know for sure?

Think the fact that I'm doing RL stuff whilst looking at MN, gives me the chance to think before responding.

Mathanxiety - i hope the parents do cool off, for their child's sake as well as mine. But i don't think they are aware that what they are doing is unusual or not the 'norm'.

DTG - I really don't think its fair on my ds to force the playdate. They have spent 2 years together 5 days a week (excl holidays) in the same room with under 15 children, he has now spent almost another academic year 5 days a week playing with this child and others for 3 breaks a day, and every afternoon (joint activities with the other class in afternoons) with this child. I think by this point he is aware if he wants to spend his free time with this child or not.

I struggle to fit in the playdates with the children he does want to see. Let alone forcing him on one he doesn't want to go to.

Sorry DreamTeamGirl you're right.I assumed the father's reaction.(And it's Mamalade)

I still think he's a nutter for asking a 3 year old why he didn't want his son following him!
Who at any age enjoys being followed around?
But that is just my opinion.

Kolacubes,you're right not to force the playdates.They are supposed to be fun after all.

yes, i so agree. You have shown admirable restraint kola. At its best MN is a forum for thought-provoking discussion, and I for one have changed my opinion through thinking about this (my DS has social difficulties).