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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think if my dc doesn't want to be friends with your dc please don't force the issue.

168 replies

kolacubes · 14/05/2010 20:25

My ds (5) has a group of friends that all get on really well with. They went to pre school together, and are now in the same class at school.

Now another child who ds went to pre school with is in another class at same school. This child would follow my son round at pre school and at any parties etc. And one day at a party my ds asked this boy to stop following him he worded it polietly for a 3 year old 'Please stop coming after me'. This child's dad said why - and my ds said 'Because he bores me.' I was embarrassed but thought well can't argue with his honesty. Anyway this child carried on following my ds around.

Anyway to the present day - the other child's parents are asking the teacher's to pair my child with their child, to move their child into the same class as mine so the 'friendship can develop', and keep asking for play dates, which I politely decline.

The teacher has now asked what I want to do, and I said to the teacher 'I leave the decision making up to you, but my child isn't wanting a friendship with them at all'.

AIBU to want to say to this mother please leave my dc alone? Or do I stay out of it as I currently have, although I feel with the pushing the other mother is doing, that I need to help my dc?

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 14/05/2010 20:57

Maybe the other parent sees your child as a friendly child and wants her son to have a friend.Sounds like your child is sociable and maybe you should see it as a compliment when another child wants to be part of that group. I would leave it completely to the teachers as they will be in the best position to see who will benefit from the groupings and you can still not socialise out of class if you don't want to.

icantbelieveimnotbitter · 14/05/2010 20:57

yanbu to not want your DC moved class to help another child.

but

yabu if you think that 'we can't argue with his honesty' is an acceptable way to deal with rudeness.

agree with BAFE - your job is to raise a kind and caring child.

I feel sorry for the other child too. with some people who are not confident, the more you push them away the closer they try to get. Your son won't understand that, but you should. He will probably grow out of his infatuation eventually

belgo · 14/05/2010 21:00

I think the OP is probably raising her ds to be very kind and caring and that is why this other mother is so keen for her son to be friends with him.

Original poster

kolacubes · 14/05/2010 21:00

good points oblomov.

I have no probs with ds playing with this child, and as I said he doesn't seem to have to much of an issue when playing with all the boys. It's a small school so there aren't many so it is good that they all play together, and that has been commented to me by the teacher, how all the boys play together in the playground.

I just feel that the other mother is trying too hard to force the issue, for what I am not sure, only reason I can think is, if her child wants something (in this instance my child) she will do everything in her power to make it happen.

OP posts:

Oblomov · 14/05/2010 21:01

our school, 2 classes of 30 in reception, mixed classes after reception. will not be done again after yr 1. maybe after yr 2. not sure.

Original poster

kolacubes · 14/05/2010 21:04

How would you have dealt with a 3 year old in that instance icantbelieve? Bearing in mind my child did not say anything more on the matter, and this child remained next to him for the duration of the party. Including squeezing in between other children who sat next to mine. My child didn't move or say anything - honestly he pleaded with his eyes a couple of time, I reassured him with a smile he stayed put.

Thank you belgo I'm trying to.

OP posts:

BAFE · 14/05/2010 21:07

Can I ask why you decline the playdates?

icantbelieveimnotbitter · 14/05/2010 21:12

I would have said "DS - it's rude to call someone else boring, please say sorry".

I honestly think that this childs mother realises her son may be out of the group somewhat and is trying to forge a friendship between her DS and yours as he seems to be at the centre of it.

Not right either, but understandable.

I do think it's better just to leave them to their own devices and she should definitely NOT be involving the school. (on your side with that one). But if I overhear my children being rude, I always immediately pull them up on it. Otherwise they may think it's acceptable.

oldandgreynow · 14/05/2010 21:13

The school should not be asking YOU whether this child moves class or not!
Very bizarre!
I don't think it would hurt you or your DS if you explained this little boy was struggling to make friends and could he let him join in with his friends' games a bit.

DuelingFanjo · 14/05/2010 21:16

Bosch is right. The OP clearly says that it is the other child who would be moved. The other parent is not requesting that the OP's child be moved into the class with her son but the other way round.

oceryo · 14/05/2010 21:18

Did you learn this from talking to the other child's parents, or not? If not then maybe the message has probably got a bit exaggerated along the way.

pigletmania · 14/05/2010 21:21

YANBU at all, I would be honest with the teacher. Your ds does not want to be friends with him so what, he should not have to be if he does not want to! Nothing nasty or horrible about that BAFE, in life you are not going to be everyones cup of tea and not everyone will like you, has nothing to do with rasing lovely inclusive caring children. I was the lonely solitary child at school who nobody wanted to play with (had Eczema, and was developmentally immature then)still am a bit . I would have been mortified if my mum tried to pair me with someone or force me with someone who did not want to be friends with me.

grapeandlemon · 14/05/2010 21:22

Did you not reproach your son for saying "He bores me" to the face of this other little boy?

pigletmania · 14/05/2010 21:26

BAFE the ops ds was polite to the other boy and was not nasty. She is declining playdates as her ds does not want a friendship with the boy, why should he be forced to be. She could try one but if it falls flat on its face then whats the point. This other boy is only 3 fgs, i am sure that in time he will take his own friends, mabey the teachers should help the other boy instead of the ops son. Mabey he could have a mentor or encourage to take activities up.

BAFE · 14/05/2010 21:29

For the record

I never said the OP's ds was nasty.

larks35 · 14/05/2010 21:30

I think it is really weird that the teacher is asking your opinion on this. It sounds to me like said boy has difficulties in having difficulties in making and maintaining friendships. I remember people from junior school who were like this as I, like the OP's son, seemed to be a target for their affections. I was brought up Catholic and although I've lapsed, I will say that at the age of 5 I recognised that these people struggled and although I found them a bit weird and boring, I knew they felt safe with me.

OP, your DS is obviously a nice lad and makes this poor other lad feel safe. Don't discourage that overtly. If the school think it would be good for the other lad, don't put the stoppers on it. Your DS will cope and it will be a good learning experience - helping others less cap soci able than yourself.

Original poster

kolacubes · 14/05/2010 21:31

BAFE - I decline the playdates cause I ask my ds in the privacy of own home away from the child and parents, would you like to go round to x's house to play? he said no thank you. I therefore said to the parents, unfortunately we are busy in the evening with the older children, but thank you for inviting him. and each time they have asked, I asked ds he said no, i've declined politely.

i said my son's name in a shocked tone, and he looked at me, and before i said anything more the father said, well that's fair enough, and then the party moved on to another activity. To be honest I don't know what I would of said, but it's 2 years ago, so not going to bring it up with him now.

OP posts:

Original poster

kolacubes · 14/05/2010 21:36

I knew the other mother was keen on our children being friends, from the things she said re playdates etc. And on class get togethers I've seen how her child follows mine around. Then the teacher asked me after class about mixing up the groups.

OP posts:

pigletmania · 14/05/2010 21:37

Well at the end of the day you cannot push a friendship, even though in an ideal world it would be good for him to help other less able children. I was one of those children, in time I made friends and now i have a small circle of really good friends. The teachers should really be working with the boy in developing his interaction and social skills, and he could join some after school activities to help him make friends. There are many options, not only the ops little boy who clearly does not want to be friends with him.

AMumInScotland · 14/05/2010 21:38

I think the teacher will have been asking to check out whether the two boys were great friends outside of school and both the mothers were wanting this move to take place, or (as is the case) just one of the mothers is trying to engineer a friendship which doesn't actually exist.

The teacher will take the OPs lack of enthusiasm for the idea as a clear indication that it is just the other mother's idea. Both teachers will probably then have a discussion about whether it would be a good idea or not - she was just making sure she knew the actual situation before proceeding.

Original poster

kolacubes · 14/05/2010 21:43

That makes sense Amuminschotland - happy with that all for informed decision making.

OP posts:

larks35 · 14/05/2010 21:44

I'm a bit at bringing in being a catholic into it, it makes no odds its about being kind. If your DS is happy with friends at school surely helping a boy who is struggling with that is a good thing and to be encouraged. You don't have to extend it out of school, but if you encourage your son to be kind to this boy in school it doesn't hurt him or you and will probably help this other lad.

undercovamutha · 14/05/2010 21:45

Agree with BAFE. If my DD told a classmate that they bored her, I would be talking to her about being kind and polite, and I would feel very sad for the child in question.

You don't know what this other boy actually thinks of your DS. It might be that he does think a lot of your DS, and is asking his parents for the playdates. He may be quite lonely, and his parents are concerned about him, and eager for him to form a friendship bond with someone. It is easy when you are a parent of a sociable and 'popular' child, to forget that not all children are so secure.

BigWeeHag · 14/05/2010 21:47

We are having a slightly similar issue - my DD has a child in her class who wants to play with her and only her. DD likes to play with lots of children. The teacher and classroom assistant both told me about it, because it is an insidious form of bullying - the other child cries and moans that DD won't play with her, when in fact, DD tries to get her to join games and the child will not, and sulks. The parents go on and on about Dd and their child being BFF, (er, no, they are 6) and have repeatedly asked for playdates - again, no thanks, we have had a couple and the child is really hard work, not her fault, but there you are. It has got to the stage where the other child's parents have tackled mutual friends to ask how come they have been round when their child isn't even in the same school... god it's awkward!

YANBU, I feel for the children that are being pushed in this way, but I will not have my DD made to feel like a bad person because another family have unrealistic expectations about friendships.

Original poster

kolacubes · 14/05/2010 21:53

I will always encourage kindness, but am just concerned that another parent has their child's happiness at the forefront of their actions, and maybe I should be doing the same for mine.

Although my attitude has always been where friendships are concerned to leave them to it, and to let schools make decisions as they hopefully make them for the year as a whole, rather than an individual.

My child already goes on the table of fussy eaters for example at the teacher's suggestion, although again none of his group is on it, as he eats well, and they want him to demonstrate. I've not said anything about this although he has said he'd prefer to be on the 'regular' table. He's a good kid, and will do as he's told, and wouldn't say anything to the teacher, but will come home and say he'd prefer not to.

OP posts:

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