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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think if my dc doesn't want to be friends with your dc please don't force the issue.

168 replies

kolacubes · 14/05/2010 20:25

My ds (5) has a group of friends that all get on really well with. They went to pre school together, and are now in the same class at school.

Now another child who ds went to pre school with is in another class at same school. This child would follow my son round at pre school and at any parties etc. And one day at a party my ds asked this boy to stop following him he worded it polietly for a 3 year old 'Please stop coming after me'. This child's dad said why - and my ds said 'Because he bores me.' I was embarrassed but thought well can't argue with his honesty. Anyway this child carried on following my ds around.

Anyway to the present day - the other child's parents are asking the teacher's to pair my child with their child, to move their child into the same class as mine so the 'friendship can develop', and keep asking for play dates, which I politely decline.

The teacher has now asked what I want to do, and I said to the teacher 'I leave the decision making up to you, but my child isn't wanting a friendship with them at all'.

AIBU to want to say to this mother please leave my dc alone? Or do I stay out of it as I currently have, although I feel with the pushing the other mother is doing, that I need to help my dc?

OP posts:

hmc · 15/05/2010 23:39

If my child said something hurtful like 'because he bores me' boy would I give him a looooong lecture about kindness, courtesy and manners.

hmc · 15/05/2010 23:41

And being a small child - he has said similar things in the past. However, I don't let it go

DreamTeamGirl · 15/05/2010 23:53

Apologies Marmalade
On the bright side I didnt call you marmlaade or mamralade, which is my usual standard of spelling!!

echt · 16/05/2010 00:26

hmc - read the OP. The child was 3, and he didn't say it to the child, but was asked by an an adult.

By the OP's account, her boy was polite to the other boy in making his feelings known; it was the enguiry by the other boy's dad which elicited the response which seems to annoy so many posters.

hmc · 16/05/2010 00:55

Thanks, did read it! Not concerned about a 3 year old child saying it - just the rather muted parental response this elicited.

Original poster

kolacubes · 16/05/2010 09:29

HMC - as mentioned I wasn't muted, I said his name in a shocked tone. By brain hadn't time to think, before the dad said 'Fair enough' and we moved on to the next activity at a party.

I hadn't highlighted this to say my son was right. I was trying to explain that as far as my son is concerned they have not clicked for over 2 years, almost 3 years. And the parents have seen that my son although plays with their child every day in a group of other boys, is not keen on the one to one attention. And what had raised my AIBU was to enquire as to whether the other parents should be forcing a friendship so actively by involving the school, and whether I should carry on as have been i.e. leaving the boys to play nicely and letting the school sort out groups for lessons etc, or whether I needed to speak up for my own child.

OP posts:

Original poster

kolacubes · 16/05/2010 09:33

I asked him this morning:
Does x play with you and the others at breaktimes?

He replied - oh yes we all do.

I said do you enjoy playing with x?

He replied - yes but I prefer to play with a, b and c. may i see a, b and c during the holidays?

And I think that sums up his opinion on the other child - he has no issue with him, he's just not his BFF. I also don't think that this boy is a social outcast. I just think for whatever reason his parents think he needs a BFF rather than being part of a group. And my son is to be that BFF.

OP posts:

Original poster

kolacubes · 16/05/2010 09:34

Meant to say my not by brain

OP posts:

Jamieandhismagictorch · 16/05/2010 09:40

This makes me think that the parents are the ones who are unduly anxious (and again, I do sympathise with this - my DS1, when younger definitely preferred 1:1 friendships,and playdates were very important to him. And that was also more what I was familiar with - fortunately, in his case it was reciprocated by the boy in question, but I was sensitive enough to realise that you can't force things. As he has got older he has grown more flexible about being one of many in a group.

pigletmania · 16/05/2010 09:49

Kola dont organise a playdate if your son does not want it, you cannot force it. The playdate will probably be uncomfortable for both parties and might be a disaster. I would onl organise children coming round that my dd wanted to and would not force her into friendships she did not want. I had enough of that from my mum growing up forcing me to mix with other children (was very shy) and trying me to make friends with other girls that just did not want to know. would rather be on my own tbh. As i keep saying your son is doing very well, he is playing with this boy at school and is being polite and nice to him what more can you ask for. To force a playdate (god i hate those terms)on him would not be right. Playdates should be fun and enjoyable for both children

Jamieandhismagictorch · 16/05/2010 09:50

yes - i hate the term plydate - but I use it all the time!

Jamieandhismagictorch · 16/05/2010 09:50

playdate

pigletmania · 16/05/2010 09:55

Its an American euthamism (sp badly) in my day it simply was children coming round to play, and thats how I refer to it. At my dd nursery thre is a show and tell day, very American

Chandon · 16/05/2010 10:07

For what it´s worth, my DC was a "stalker" child, who followed another child around relentlessly and always tried to hug him and say he loved him. The other child seemed not too bothered one way or another.

I am ever so grateful to the mother of this child though, who always encouraged her DC to be nice (and polite, as sometimes he´d get bored with my DC´s attentions). My DC did not have many other friends then.

A year later, my DC has branched out, has lots of friends and is less clingy.

So it all sorted itself out.

If the other mum would have told me that my DC was bothering her DC, it would have really hurt my feelings. I was just so happy for my DC to have a friend, and am glad that now he is a bit older, the stalkerish behaviour has stopped. It´s an age thing, I think, 3-4 year old boys can be very intense. They chill out a bit later on!

Chandon · 16/05/2010 10:11

by the way, doesn´t BFF stand for Best Female Friend or have I watched to much Paris Hilton

pigletmania · 16/05/2010 10:57

I was a stalker child but was about 7, i fixated on this girl and could not stop hugging and kissing her (on the cheeks)btw . Her mum complained and I stopped, guess i was just over affectionate.

FranSanDisco · 16/05/2010 11:05

BFF - thought this was best friend forever - vomit.

iamfabregasted · 16/05/2010 11:24

I have come late to this thread and I apologise.

Kola - YANBU, your DS sounds lovely. I wouldn't force one of my children to be special best friends with someone.

I am slightly concerned and that the school are even giving the other child's parents demands credence.

I would never dream of going into my childrens' school and saying please can you move my child I want them to be friends with x.

If tried to do that, I would expect to be given short shift by the head.

Also, wtf are the school playing at asking you? So if you say no I don't want this child moved into my child's class, are they going to go to the other parent and say Mrs X says no???

Sorry, just my random ramblings.

Feel free to ignore.

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