to think if my dc doesn't want to be friends with your dc please don't force the issue.

[kolacubes]

My ds (5) has a group of friends that all get on really well with. They went to pre school together, and are now in the same class at school.

Now another child who ds went to pre school with is in another class at same school. This child would follow my son round at pre school and at any parties etc. And one day at a party my ds asked this boy to stop following him he worded it polietly for a 3 year old 'Please stop coming after me'. This child's dad said why - and my ds said 'Because he bores me.' I was embarrassed but thought well can't argue with his honesty. Anyway this child carried on following my ds around.

Anyway to the present day - the other child's parents are asking the teacher's to pair my child with their child, to move their child into the same class as mine so the 'friendship can develop', and keep asking for play dates, which I politely decline.

The teacher has now asked what I want to do, and I said to the teacher 'I leave the decision making up to you, but my child isn't wanting a friendship with them at all'.

AIBU to want to say to this mother please leave my dc alone? Or do I stay out of it as I currently have, although I feel with the pushing the other mother is doing, that I need to help my dc?

OP, maybe the reason X's parents are wanting him to move into your DS's class is because he's not happy and they want him to be happy. You want your DS to be happy, well it sounds like he is. It also sounds like he's popular and a bit of a leader (encouraging fussy eaters - great! He's a leader, not a sheep!)

I discern from this story that X is not finding school so easy by the sound of things and although his parents sound pushy, what you have described about him make me think that he could end up be bullied throughout his school life. Surely it really would be great if your DS could help and ensure that X is accepted and allowed to be a bit different. Please encourage your DS to do this because it will help X a lot and also be an early experience for your DS in being, well conscientious.

Really bewildered by some of the reactions on here. Sounds like you and your DS have been kind and quite patient about it all. (How else is a 3-year-old supposed to react in a situation like that?) Don't understand why the other parents are still persevering after all this time. Poor you!

op is nutcase and has to accept that her child will have to mix with the entire human race eventually

Have you asked yourself whether you might be encouraging your child at least to give a playdate with this boy a try, if his mother was one you knew and liked or one you wanted to get to know better? I ask because, if your answer to yourself is 'yes', then that would warn you that you might be steering this a bit yourself, for all it seems on the surface that the only interfering parent here is the other boy's.

I don't think I would necessarily accept the first 'no' I got from my child, if he was asked for a playdate, unless I had my own reasons for discouraging that friendship. I wouldn't force it either - totally agree you can't force or fake friendships - but I might encourage my child just to try it at least once, in case he turned out to enjoy it.

If it was my child i'd tell them not to make such a silly fuss about who wants to play with them and to be grateful that people actually DO like them, sounds like the other boy would love to be in that position.

Thanks larks for the constructive perspective on the other side. I think what I've learnt from this, is that I will leave it as things are. The school know that I'm supportive of their decision, I'm not asking for anything to be done or not done, but whatever happens for the best of the year. I will keep encouraging son to be inclusive of all.

And just hope that the other parents take a step back, and leave the kids to do what they want (of course within reason!!!!) otherwise this may be a very long school life!!

If I thought that my work colleague was lonely and felt excluded, then yes..I'd go out for a drink with him/her after work.

Thanks for that pickledmonkey

i don't agree greenandsilverstars, sorry. I will always ask, but going to someone's house to tea should always be greeted with 'oh great' rather than a chore. Yes accept in life there are things that should be done that may be a chore, but not going round to play.

ok baaboobaa you are a much better person than me, and also expect that you are a lot older than 5 to have these thoughts.

The earlier you start the better imo.

I did say I wouldn't force it - just that I wouldn't necessarily leave the topic straight after the first no.

But really it's the question I asked that I think's more important - if it was the child of another mum that you really liked, would you encourage it more than you are now? If the answer is no, then at least you're consistent but you're probably unusual!

No I am unusual - I accept that. I have a very small circle of friends due to my own choice. And will avoid socialisation if I can help it. That's prob why I don't force the play issue. If he wants to go to someone's house great, I'll sort it out, drop and collect. Be polite on doorstep and that's enough for me. If child coming to my house I collect from school and drop home.

A five year old's brain has not developed enough to grasp empathy to the same degree as an adult. We can guide them but some of you seem to expect far too much. Too much pressure all round.

The OP sounds sensible and kind and I am sure he ds will grow into a nice young chap and the school will deal with it adequately. This thread is indeed bizarre.

Good plan kolacubes, I feel bad that you (and your DS) have had so much stick about a 2 yr old incident (you did bring it up though). Your DS sounds like a good lad, encourage his generosity and kindness, don't let him fall into the sheeplike trap of following trends.

I'm a teacher (secondary) and I fortunately now teach in a lovely, very inclusive school and I am often really touched by the kindness of some of my younger pupils toward their less able peers. I do also deal with cases of dreadful bullying and it often happens to those children who are just a bit different but not in a "cool" way.

I have a 16mo DS and I really hope that of all things, he'll be kind and considerate of others, and happy of course, but I think it all goes together really.

Yes this boy is only 5 not 15 and is still learning and devloping, a lot seems to be expect from some of you of him. The best thing the op is to do is just leave it be, there does not have to have any playdates. Her son should continue as he is doing as he sounds a nice boy who is including the other boy.

I thought you might be a bit like that. It's worth remembering that that kind of self-sufficiency, however innocent, can be a bit baffling (and at times hurtful) to people who don't work like that and are more permanently open to possible new friendships, though.

I do feel a bit sorry for this other boy and his family, that they are pinning friendship hopes on a boy whose parent is simply not interested (not saying there can't be good reasons for that - everyone's different) in social contact for its own sake. Purely pragmatically, they'd obviously do better to be making overtures to a child whose parent doesn't feel her own friendship group is already complete, and who's more relaxed with the idea of giving any kind of new social contact a try, and encourages something similar in her children.

larks sometimes I wish he would be a bit of a sheep - but as he's my son and my mother used to tell me i'd go east if i was told to go west just because i could, i think that would be U of me .

Reason for bringing up 2 year old incident I was trying to explain this wasn't new encounter, and that this wasn't best buddies having a falling out. Just never been keen.

thanks piglet.

greenandsilverstars - interesting points - do you mean that the parents want a wider family friendship and that's what they are trying to do? because if so i'll accept i've been completely oblivious to that.
wouldn't you of got the hint after 3 years? and by this I am most definitely referring to the parents and not the children.

I didn't really mean that I thought they would definitely want that wider friendship, though of course they might. Just that you said:

"I have a very small circle of friends due to my own choice. And will avoid socialisation if I can help it. That's prob why I don't force the play issue."

People who aren't like you might well encourage these playdates (still not forcing them, but at least working a bit to encourage them), maybe because they don't want to seem unfriendly or rude, or maybe because they might genuinely see potential in trying friendships out outside of school as well as in (the dynamics are different outside school, common interests that don't come up at school can be found, etc.).

So from the point of view of this other boy and his family (because they want him to be happy and they are the one making the overtures and trying to arrange things to support his friendships), they'd do better dealing with a parent who's a bit more optimistic and open and hopeful that a playdate might work, rather than one who's deep down not at all unhappy to avoid one (which I think is probably more you!). That's all I meant.

Ah I understand.

I hope so for all sakes, because if their child is unhappy at school, then of course, I would hope there's a solution that works for all.

YANBU

Imo its very bizarre to force children to be friends. I have a dd in reception and there is no way I would be doing this. Friendships shouldn't be manipulated.

I don't think your ds was rude or mean when he said the other boy bores him. 3 year olds are infamously honest.

May be I can offer some advice as being the 'other' parent in this situation. My DS went to a school with only 2 other children from his day nursery. 1 (girl) was in his class and he 'stuck' with her etc. Girl was making new friends and DS alays wanted to play with her and the other children she befriended. Teacher told me she was trying to get him to make friends with other children but he was digging his heels in. She was telling him where to sit and with who to try and foster friendships and DS being shy couldn't cope.

Well I just told her to let DS realise in his own time and from the girls direction that she was widening her circle and he would make friends with who he wanted in his own time.
After she realised her direction wasn't working she backed off and suddenly DS made lots of friends. He has now widened the group by bringing other children into it.His 'best' friends is the girl this girl had made friends with originally!

So IME I would say just let nature take it course childrens friendships are fickle and complecated and as no one is being actively mean its something they should be allowed to deal with.

I agree with mumbar. My DD befriended a girl she was sat next to in class, who is just a little bit 'odd'. My DD found her quite entertaining and the other girls mother latched onto the friendship to the point where I felt we had a stalker. The other girls in the class did not particularly like the 'odd' child so my DD ended up being excluded from lots of games etc and told to play with 'odd'. The other mother even went in to school to ask that her child be put in the same groups as my DD for various activities so that she could 'look out for her'. My DH eventually went to into school to point out that it was not our DDs responsibility to nursemaid this other child. Fortunately my DD then widened her circle of friends again and does not have much to do with this other child now. No matter how much we try to manipulate their friendships, they will usually sort themselves out.

"I think people are forgetting how young these kids are. They do not have the cognitive development to understand some of the social skills being suggested such as doing a "social fake". "

Absolutely.. but no one is suggesting a social skills intervention here, just a gentle introduction into expectations re: politeness. You can say the same re: please and thank you, responding well to a present etc. Cognitively young children don't 'understand' this either, but we model it and we expect it of them because you can't wait around until a child is 7/8 to begin to expect socialised behaviour.

So, no, this child doesn't have to be charming and wonderful and understanding with this other boy.. but it's not okay for a child of this age to say that someone bores them to their face without guidance from an adult that this is unexpected behaviour, just because it is an innocent and totally natural thing for them to say developmentally. Children deserve for us to be consistent with rules about social encounters from an early age.

No one can force a child to be friends with another child. However, the odd 'playdate' with a child you are less than enthusiastic about is not going to kill you and does teach skills about how to handle playing with people you don't click with. As someone said above, I wouldn't accept the first 'no' either.. but I wouldn't tell my child that they had to be friends with a child they didn't like either. I would demonstrate through modelling to them that I do expect them to be friendly and polite and gracious to people who like them, even if they weren't that excited about it (while understanding that this might not be easy for a five year old to do).

I think it's nice to teach people to be kind to the less popular members of a group, rather than shunning them.

The OP's son seems perfectly polite to me, bar one overly-honest response to the other child's parent, under questioning, 2 years ago!

He plays with this other child in school, and doesn't exclude him. He just doesn't seem to want to be BFFs with him, which is fair enough.

YANBU - there is a difference between excluding a child and playing perfectly nicely with that child but just not wanting to be best friends.

I don't think the other child's parents are doing him any favours by fixating on the OP's child as the child who MUST become their child's best friend. Can't they at least broaden their scope to other boys in the class? Is there something socially desirable about you or your son, OP, that might account for this wanting your son in particular rather than any other little boy in the class to be the desired friend?

Also, I don't think that the OP is being unreasonable by not forcing her son to go on playdates with this other child. She's asked him several times - he's said a consistent no. If the OP sent him anyway, overriding and ignoring his wishes, the OP's son would be justified in feeling a little hard done by. The OP's son already seems to spend a fair bit of his time being the "good example" rather than just being allowed to be himself, such as being put on the fussy eaters table when he'd rather be eating with his friends.