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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think if my dc doesn't want to be friends with your dc please don't force the issue.

168 replies

kolacubes · 14/05/2010 20:25

My ds (5) has a group of friends that all get on really well with. They went to pre school together, and are now in the same class at school.

Now another child who ds went to pre school with is in another class at same school. This child would follow my son round at pre school and at any parties etc. And one day at a party my ds asked this boy to stop following him he worded it polietly for a 3 year old 'Please stop coming after me'. This child's dad said why - and my ds said 'Because he bores me.' I was embarrassed but thought well can't argue with his honesty. Anyway this child carried on following my ds around.

Anyway to the present day - the other child's parents are asking the teacher's to pair my child with their child, to move their child into the same class as mine so the 'friendship can develop', and keep asking for play dates, which I politely decline.

The teacher has now asked what I want to do, and I said to the teacher 'I leave the decision making up to you, but my child isn't wanting a friendship with them at all'.

AIBU to want to say to this mother please leave my dc alone? Or do I stay out of it as I currently have, although I feel with the pushing the other mother is doing, that I need to help my dc?

OP posts:
RedRedWine1980 · 14/05/2010 22:24

So this other boy- if your son and others are telling him they dont want him following them and he has nobody to play with and his school life is a misery due to being lonely would you still be so supportive of your sons right to treat other children so dismissively?

werewolf · 14/05/2010 22:25

kola - your ds sounds really nice.

MadamDeathstare · 14/05/2010 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamDeathstare · 14/05/2010 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 14/05/2010 22:26

Blimey the adults should but out and let the kids develop their own paths. Just keep declining playdates and just tell the teacher what you have said on here.

RedRedWine1980 · 14/05/2010 22:26

I dont understand why the OP feels she needs to 'help' her son if this other boy joined his class? Is it really so hard to ask him just to be polite and include him during the school day? baffled icon

MadamDeathstare · 14/05/2010 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scurryfunge · 14/05/2010 22:27

Why are you even bothering about what 5 year olds say at school to eachother? Let the school sort it out....it is not even an issue

GreenAndSilverStars · 14/05/2010 22:29

OP - just wondering - how much did you like/dislike the other child's mother, before you heard about this request for her child to be in your child's class?

It sounds like her child is struggling and she's clutching at straws wanting him to be in the class of a child she's seen him playing with, even despite the declined playdates.

RedRedWine1980 · 14/05/2010 22:30

The sooner kids get used to having to spend time in the company of people they are not too keen on the better IMO- you cant have a tanty about the freak who sits opposite you at work and keeps rambling on about her dogging sessions in front of all and sundry- people with good and bad qualities need to be tolerated and the earlier that happens the better imo.

Original poster
kolacubes · 14/05/2010 22:30

Because if this boy changes class to specifically be with my son, one boy will have to be moved to the other class. (Presuming that is the only mix, as up until the request from the other family no mix was planned by the school). Therefore, my son will have a friend taken from his class, to have a child that he tolerates to force a friendship for the parents pereceived benefit. Whatever that may be.

This is a small school and the classes are equal gender split. (just to clarify)

OP posts:
Baaboobaa · 14/05/2010 22:30

It's so important to teach kids to be accepting of others. It's NOT OK to just agree with your your child's wish to exclude another, at this very early age. Unless the other child has been nasty, I'd make sure that my son would be playing with him. That way he'll grow up to be a compassionate human being.

pigletmania · 14/05/2010 22:32

Thanks MDS. I can say from the position of being the other child, that my mum interferring and fighting my battles for me made things worse. I have been in postion whereby i was made to socialise with other children in primary school and it was just so uncomfortable as the other kids did not want me to be in their group . But thats the way it is, i made a couple of friends especially the special needs children instead. It later transpired that i had SPld which was diagnosed as an adult so found school really plus i was shy too.

scurryfunge · 14/05/2010 22:32

You have zero control over class dynamics....this is bizarre

pigletmania · 14/05/2010 22:34

Baabooba totally disagree it will not work. Sounds like the ops son is doing his best fgs he is only five lets them forge their own friendships. The teachres should be helping this child

Original poster
kolacubes · 14/05/2010 22:34

To be honest I don't really know them at all. And had no opinion, pleasant to pass the time whilst queueing up. Because the children (ok specifically my child) didn't want to socialse after school, don't know her as well as a couple of other mothers. But I'd say I know about 4 mothers well, and the rest are in the same category as this mother.

OP posts:
BAFE · 14/05/2010 22:34

To be honest, it sounds like your the one trying to control your sons friendships.

pigletmania · 14/05/2010 22:37

Just leave children be thats the best thing to do. At that age as somebody said on here friendships are fickle, best friends one week not the next.

Original poster
kolacubes · 14/05/2010 22:39

Baabooba - he's not excluding this child, he's included in all group games, not that my son initiates all these, my son is not the ruler of the playground. He plays with all the boys, and all the boys play well together as commented by the teacher. He just doesn't see this boy as his closest friend, and doesn't want the one on one nor socialising out of school with him.

Using the work environment, if you had someone that you spoke to all day, but you hadn't clicked with them, would you then be choosing that person to have your after work drink with?

OP posts:
2shoes · 14/05/2010 22:40

yanbu
I have never understood why people try to force children to be friends,

RedRedWine1980 · 14/05/2010 22:40

You dont have to see this child out of school- you have declined already. I cant see how school comes into this- they HAVE to go to school so they should be encouraged to be tolerant to all.

scurryfunge · 14/05/2010 22:40

If I was their parent I would ignore it completely...playground friendships are totally irrelevant

Original poster
kolacubes · 14/05/2010 22:41

BAFE - don't mean this harshly - how am I trying to control friendships? I've not been the one who's approached school. I've always asked my son whether he would like to see someone out of school invited by the other parent, if he's asked for someone to play, I've always invited them, regardless of if I am friends with the parents or not.

Just to clarify none that I am not friendly with - just naturally some I speak to more that's what I mean by friends.

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 14/05/2010 22:43

So why are you posting in AIBU if you are not concerned?

werewolf · 14/05/2010 22:43

Red - don't you get it? Kola's son is tolerant of the other boy. He plays with him every day in the playground.

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