to think if you go and stay with someone for a week, then you might at least buy them a bottle of wine as a thank you for putting them up and feeding them?

[MrsSchadenfreude]

I'm not asking to be taken out to dinner for a big fancy schmancy meal or inundated with gifts. I understand that a week's free accommodation in Paris is a cheap holiday for some friends who might not get a holiday otherwise. But you can buy a reasonable bottle of wine for 5 euros here, or a small bunch of nice flowers for about the same - if someone has put you up for a week, fed you, provided beer, wine and gin, and you haven't as much as brought tea bags with you, it is not too much to contribute a bottle of wine to dinner one night, is it?

The old adage, fish and house guests - both start to smell after three days - comes to mind

Personally if I visit anyone I take a gift, even if it's just a day trip. The reason being that I know from personal experience if someone come you do put in a lot of effort, extra tidying up, buying and cooking extra food etc.

But you do need to be careful, some people are offended if you tidy up/cook etc. and you should ask if it's okay. Some people will think you are saying they are a crap cook/slatterns.

I also always send a note to say thank you afterwards and invite them back to us.

Having said, I've been on the receiving end of very reluctant hosts. A 'duty' christmas visit where I and the kids were ignored, treated as a source of mess (true but I cleared up after them), and inconvenience (after dinner our hosts just buggered off into the lounge to watch TV and ignored us for the rest of the night ).

So don't let them come if you don't want them there. But if you are in that situation be appreciative. And as an added tip, arrange something that can be done every day so you don't sit there seething at each other if you don't like each other very much. It is much easier to get on when you are moving around, doing something than staring at the side of each other's head resentfully!

Just send them to me, MmeL.

DH's brother is a lazy arse extraordinnaire.

Whenever they come through to visit, because he'll only come with MIL/FIL, he stays in a hotel now.

Because I had him making cups of tea for his folks (they are elderly and have ill health), doing the washing up, preparing breakfast for them, making beds, etc.

And it didn't matter how crap he was at doing it, he was gonna do it.

My sister hates doing laundry, folding it and putting it away. She also hates unloading the dishwasher, so I did it.

I was only too happy to drive their big ol' tank of a car, too (meant I could stop off and go shop, too, after getting her girls).

Justanothermanicmummy- no they didn't send my lodger any money at all - I found him jobs so he could have some spending money and even got him EMA as he was staying with us and we don't earn a lot!!
We tried to help him budget but he was having a free ride so it was a lost cause. It did cause friction in the house which was why eventually his mum came over and found him some alternative accomodation (and stayed with us for 5 weeks so he could 'settle'!!!) I can't believe we put up with situation for so long either - we have learnt a very valuable lesson!!

Dont think that the op mentioned it was her parents, if it is then i would never expect a gift from them but yes to help out a bit, and would be a bit lenient but only for a little while.

No, you are not being unreasonable. We live in a touristy area in the UK, and last summer/autumn we had 11 weekends in a row where we had people stay.... and the bulk of them (certainly more than half I would say) invited themselves. I work full time and have a horror commute, leaving 5.45 am and returning by 9 if I am lucky. I needed weeeknds to myself and it got ridiculous with cooking/cleaning. Occasionally some brought flowers. One family brought a 20 pack of bacon which we cooked up, one guy brought two bottles of champagne, which was hugely welcome. But essentially, most people did not bring anything, nor did they offer to shout us a meal out. They just used us as a hotel. One couple brought a watermelon, which it turned out was for them to eat, not us. (The year before they also rang us on a Friday night, said they would be down the next day, which we knew, but also said they would be bringing a son of their friend's who apparently needed a break too.)

This year i have put my foot down completely. Our baby is due soon, and we have - amazingly- had people say that they 'will not get in the way' when we are dealing with a newborn (baby coincides with a major festival here) and still ask to stay. Um, no. One particularly persistent couple finally shut up when I told them that if they were prepared to cut the cord, then they could stay.

anyway, after that ramble, my point is, some people freeload and take the piss. It sometimes gets to a point that you just have to say no.

Mpuppykin at the cord comment - nice one!

Yanbu. There are always people who will take the piss.

Helping out or offering a meal/bottle of wine is just basic courtesy.

Agree Mpuppy. If you live in a desirable holiday spot you have to say that you are unable to have guests, otherwise you get innundated.

Our first year in Geneva we had 12 sets of guests. We just got fed up never having a break.

Going to invite Expat over though, she can sort out SIL while she is here.

There seems to be way to much focus - by some posters - on the expectation of a gift. Mrs S clarified this later in the thread - it's not a gift necessarily, per se - it's a token of appreciation, and it doesn't have to be material.

A bottle of wine is the sort of thing most people who are passingly familiar with social mores would present to a host. It was clearly just used as an example. It could as easily be making a cup of tea every now and then or doing a load of dishes. Anything really, expect sitting on your fat ass 24/7, while someone else waits on you.

I still maintain that anyone who thinks the OP was being unreasonable and should have just been expected to be lumbered with rude, inconsiderate guests, without one single expectation of some sort of gratitude is probably not the sort of guest I'd ever want to have in my home.

When someone just announces he/she are coming, specifying, 'We're coming third week in June' and/or inviting themselves, that's your first sign of trouble, IMO.

Restrict such people to three days only and see how they act, you may have a mooch on your hands!

With my best friend (in London) I take it for granted I can come visit. But I dont announce I am coming, I will talk to her and we will find a suitable date, and she will take a day off work so we can go shopping and enjoy eachothers company. When I go to visit, I go there to visit HER, not London. I miss her company after I moved to Norway immensly. I would not dream of taking my husband and kids, they live in a small 2 bed terrace, and I know that 4 extra people in the house would be intolerable (!!) to them. Even though she is the godmother of my oldest. I would not let her wait on me, though!

Mpuppykin I cannot believe the audacity and rudeness of some people , Bet if the boot was on the other foot they would not have you over and offer the same hospitality. Yes put your foot down practise the word no and be assertive! You could suggest that visitors help with nappy changing and cleaning up baby sick that would put them off. What is it with some people, the mentality of them

If somebody announced they wanted to come or were expecting to come that would really put my back up i would be fuming that i would say no sorry automatically. If its a mutal agreement that we arranged than good, but expecting to be put up because you want a free holiday and not to see the person is unacceptable.

I have had a horrendous experience too! Let me tell all! I too am a kind, generous thoughtful guest so the thought others aren't is truly shocking isn't it?

DH used to pay for sil's flights to come and see us because she desperately wanted to see her baby nieces. She arrived, wanted to buy them expensive gifts so I took her to a boutique shop, she announced she hadn't brought her purse at the til, I ended up paying for them!

As I worked and had 3 under 3s, we had an au pair. Sil slept in til noon everyday and screamed abuse at the au pair when she accidently woke her up doing the vacuuming.

Oneday sil announced she'd 'give me a break' and play with dc, she lasted 20 mins then announced she was tired and was going back to her room to quietly read a book!

I fed her 3 meals a day, she did nothing to help, just read and sauntered through the gardens.

I was heavily pregnant, exhausted from keeping everything 'lovely' for sil's 2 week visit. I had the electric hedge clippers and was on a ladder resting against row of plum trees I was in the middle of doing. She was lying on a blanket on the grass and said 'Could you make me a Pimms when you're done?'

The last straw was when she called me into the lounge, she had, without my permission, altered the layout of the room and took away throws etc and proceeded to lecture me on how I could make even more improvements.

There! Confessed! (By the way Mugville here listened carefully to her suggestions and had her to stay at least for one other extended visit before Endof.)

it comes down to manners, they should do some little jobs like clearing up after dinner anyway. you aren't there to wait on them for gs, but basically you have given them a free holiday, I would be embaressed to not give a token gift if it was me. If I was really skint, then a bottle of wine or some flowers at the least, if not so broke then a meal out at the end of the holiday.

YANBU

I read OP as saying they wanted the guest to contribute to making the visit enjoyable for everyone and to at least acknowledge they had enjoyed themselves.

I don't get why some posters think she is unreasonable to expect this. The wine was only an example and she mentioned it was to go with dinner. She wasn't asking for a dozen bottles to drink at her leisure once the guests were gone!

Personally I would always take a gift or be prepared to do something that would help my host. I have a Uni friend who I stay with about once every 6 months and I always pay for a babysitter for her DS and take her to the Cinema when I visit. It is something she really enjoys and as a single Mum its not that often that circumstances and finances allow her to do it. I have another friend who always get flowers - she likes that. Its not the gift or the value it is the gesture. OP deserves such a gesture surely?

YANBU

I think guests should always EITHER bring a gift OR help with the chores.

(both would be nice but not necessary).

My mum brings gifts, does chores, keeps her opinions to herself and thanks us profusely for our time. She makes all other guests look awful by setting the bar so high!

Bless her!

Queenbuzz iam did you not say anything! Hope that next time she comes to you she stays in a hotel

When we stay with folks, we generally bring wine (amount depends on how boozy they are), chocs or other foody treats AND take them out for a meal. Usually I cook one meal for them too and offer to do the washing up.

I usually do a 'thank you' card afterwards too.

I stayed with a friend in Paris for 3 nights. I travelled alone on the Eurostar with a one year old so couldnt really carry a present. When we both plus her DH went out for a fancy dinner on the second night I paid

kerala bimey, in paris? that would have been a perfect present!