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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think if you go and stay with someone for a week, then you might at least buy them a bottle of wine as a thank you for putting them up and feeding them?

196 replies

MrsSchadenfreude · 08/05/2010 22:23

I'm not asking to be taken out to dinner for a big fancy schmancy meal or inundated with gifts. I understand that a week's free accommodation in Paris is a cheap holiday for some friends who might not get a holiday otherwise. But you can buy a reasonable bottle of wine for 5 euros here, or a small bunch of nice flowers for about the same - if someone has put you up for a week, fed you, provided beer, wine and gin, and you haven't as much as brought tea bags with you, it is not too much to contribute a bottle of wine to dinner one night, is it?

OP posts:
CaptainNancy · 08/05/2010 23:53

I think the problem is that you are not really inviting them are you? That is the crux of it- they are inviting themselves it seems.

I'm sure had you invited them to stay it would not be a problem, but the fact that they are expecting you to put them up, and then expecting you to foot the bill and wait on them, that really is beyond rude.

I personally could not treat anyone like that, not even family.

Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 08/05/2010 23:53

Flibbertigibbert - we had exactly the same thing when we lived in central London. We had one friend who started out asking if he could spend "just the one night" with us when he was working in London. It then got more frequent and at one stage he was staying for two weeks out of four. We said no, at this point, as it was beyond a joke, and strangely enough, didn't hear from him again.

OP posts:
drwhofan · 08/05/2010 23:53

Exactly Flibber - my friend stayed for 6 days while finding accomodation for herself -I refused to take her offer of money but she then paid for our weekly shop which was her way of saying thanks. Manners go a long way and are not forgotten by the recipient.

AWellHungParliament · 09/05/2010 00:03

Oh YA so NBU. A weeks accomodation? I don't have a lot of spare cash so that would be a big deal to me.
I would be buying the wine, flowers and maybe some other little thing I spotted to suit as well as taking up the housework. Either filling the dishwasher or doing the dishes and the preparing and buying for at least one meal, running a hoover around and anything else I spotted that I would do in my own home.

A weeks free hol is a BIG imposition, I would treat it as a house-share and pull my weight or feel very embarrassed.

Queenbuzz · 09/05/2010 00:06

You are all a bunch of mugs if you are two faced enough complain on here rather than deal with it upfront.

Resentment leads to stress, high blood pressure, ulcers. For goodness sake email your so called friends and tell them where they went wrong.

I have people staying here all the time but I never get taken for a ride because I don't put myself out, and therefore I'm relaxed enough for people to enjoy themselves. I show them where everything is kept, take up every offer they may offer, sit back and enjoy the gift they've brought (if they haven't they would need to be rivetting company or I just say goodnight and go to bed before them.)

One (single)guy (who stayed several days and brought no bottle of wine or anything) wanted a vegan dinner at ours and refused dh's offer to take him out to dinner so I put the children to bed, poured myself a glass of wine and waved them goodnight and left them to it!

My favourite guests are hands on, and if any one doesn't offer to help they get jobs given to them. I'm extremely busy with 4 dc, huge house and garden in a beautiful area and we too are a magnet, but as it's very much take us as you find us, so I had to devise strategies which made it fun for me too!

LittleMrsHappy · 09/05/2010 00:14

LittleMrsHappy, are you for real?

Well last time I checked, I was a living human being, or maybe I have turned into a MN autobot

The word expected is in the answer, how are the guests to know how you want them to behave if you dont tell them?

Every bodies expectation are different!

LittleMrsHappy · 09/05/2010 00:15

I have guests staying all the time also, being in party central, its a given.

Mermaidspam · 09/05/2010 00:18

Because, LittleMrsHappy, it isn't unreasonable to expect people (whether guests, or not) to have manners.

RedLadyBiscuit · 09/05/2010 00:20

What are you supposed to say? 'It's lovely to have you to stay and I've booked us a restaurant for you to say thank you'

I think it's entirely reasonable for people to expect guests to be polite and show their gratitude - either with a meal or a bottle of wine or just doing the cleaning and tidying up (or babysitting). Not unreasonable

LittleMrsHappy · 09/05/2010 00:25

what is it about manners, do they really have to clean up the dinner plates to have manners, NO, well not in MY house, they are my guests, as long as they are keeping themselves kept, then I dont want my guests doing the dishes.

Their company is enough for me, them being here shows me they want to be with us, I dont and would not expect my guests to do dishes, etc... if they wanted to then so be it, but I would absolutely detest if the thought i expect anything fro them.

Maybe I have respectful family, they want to know what I am doing, what my shifts are, I tel them what is X,y,z for evening meal, and we have a drink, but going by the opening post, I would not expect anything in a form of a gift as a thank you, the thankyou and hopefully they enjoyed themselves in my families company would be more than sufficient.

RedLadyBiscuit · 09/05/2010 00:28

'Their company is enough for me, them being here shows me they want to be with us'

You're talking about family though. And I'm not entirely sure MrsS's guests (not family) want to be with her - they just want to stay in Paris

expatinscotland · 09/05/2010 00:28

'And I don't expect my mother to take us out to dinner. But it might be nice if she got off her arse occasionally to make a cup of tea, instead of coming into the kitchen saying "You could die of thirst round here. Is no-one going to make me a cup of tea?" '

Then she's lucky she doesn't have a daughter like me, because I'd point to the kettle and tell her to sling her hook on it if she were my mother.

And anyone who knows me IRL knows I would, too.

YANBU.

That's fucking rude.

That's not a guest, that's a pest.

Spatz · 09/05/2010 00:34

We had this in New York. I remember my sister-in-law giving a sigh when I asked her to feed the baby her breakfast while I got everything ready for everyone else. Ours also weren't 'invited' they all wanted a free holiday.

When I became pregnant with my second dc we got rid of the sofa bed and helped everyone find their own accommodation!

muggglewump · 09/05/2010 00:36

LittleMissHappy, I think the point is that the 'guests' are not happy to just be visiting, as they have not wanted to visit before the visits involved central Paris.

I visited my mate in Scunthorpe and still made a cuppa and got the hoover out, I wanted to visit her because I like her, which is why I also wanted to be a valid contributor to her household whilst I was there!

In return, my friend has visited me here, in dumpass central and also brought choc/wine and cleaned the bathroom or similar.

Tis what decent people and friends do.

expatinscotland · 09/05/2010 00:37

Where do all these rude people come from?

We stayed at my sister's but we are pretty skint.

So I did all the laundry, cleaning and cooking.

They have a dishwasher. A big one! What's not to like?

Queenbuzz · 09/05/2010 00:39

I don't expect my elderly parents to bring a bottle of wine or anything but they are marvellous, helping with the gardening sometimes, fixing chicken coops or sometimes they just come up to put their feet up so I can spoil them for a bit. Hugely different from all the other guests we have.

We also, most weekends, have sleepover guests so I 've introduced a new rule that if dc want a friend over they need to make sure their bedrooms and bathrooms are clean and tidy and that dc show them where to put things in the dishwasher.

LittleMrsHappy · 09/05/2010 00:49

I understand peoples point, and haven't said otherwise, BUT for me its the expectation of a gift, or the expectation of the guests that's unnerving, I dont expect anything from anybody, (well apart from my husband).

My guests tidy up after themselves, and dont expect dinner on the table etc.... to me personally the location is irrelevant, as I am in North East, and my friends and family come to visit us, but for the city as well. Its part and partial of the visiting, and Im sure the OP would have known this.

SolidGoldBrass · 09/05/2010 01:05

I caouldn't imagine going to stay with someone and not at least taking them a bottle fo wine, or some flowers.

sunnydelight · 09/05/2010 02:54

YANBU, some kind of "thank you" is simply good manners. It gives the recipient pleasure; why wouldn't you want to do that when someone has made you welcome in their home.

Rockbird · 09/05/2010 08:26

I am stunned that some of you think it's ok to rock up at someone's house for your holidays and not expect to have to do anything or express your thanks in any particular way regardless of how close you are as a family. I am staying with family in Ireland next month, as I do every time I go home (they offer) and it would never occur to me not to help out with the kids, offer to cook, clear up etc and give a present on departure. Whether they take me up on those offers is a different matter but am I really going to sit on my arse while they do all the running around 'because I'm on holiday'?

It doesn't have to be a present but it is a question of manners and etiquette. If you want waiting on hand and foot then shell out for a hotel.

nottirednow · 09/05/2010 08:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

porcamiseria · 09/05/2010 09:03

YANBU!!! just start to say NO, if people question why say @its not you have we have been taken for a ride by so many people that now we are not having guests any more@

end of!

BattyKoda · 09/05/2010 09:05

I always take flowers when I arrive to stay somewhere. I've always been told it's nice to take flowers because they remind you of your guests and what a great time you had once they've gone. So, OP, maybe flowers wouldn't be such a great gift?!

Also, the thing with guests helping around the house I hate the idea of, they wouldn't do it right . It's always nice to offer though.

I don't understand why you don't just say something to them though? Even a jokey 'I don't know, what you cooking?' in response to 'whats for dinner' or asking outright for a cup of tea in the morning. I also don't see the problem with laying down the 'rules' before guests arrive. As in, I'm working full time so you'll need to sort your meals, tidy up after yourselves, see it more as a self catering holiday rather than an all inclusive. Hate the saying, but it sounds as if you have made a rod for your own back for obliging their requests in the past.

pigletmania · 09/05/2010 09:15

OMG how rude! Hope that you are not going to have them again! pLease tell me your not! I agree op YANBU its bad manners and rude when staying with somebody to take advantage of their kindness and do nothing to display gratitude and appreciation. When I used to stay with people even for a few days i would offer to help them, and buy them wine or choccies (i was a poor student then!).

traceybath · 09/05/2010 09:23

I have read this thread like this .

Lordy, I would never invite myself to someone's house for a week - way too long. But even when going to stay for just one night and its family - I would always take a gift be it flowers/wine/cake.

LittleMissHappy - I hope your guests at least write you a lovely thank you letter.

Even at my mums we argue in the supermarket over who's going to pay for stuff as I don't see why she should pay for my 'fancy organic' stuff - she normally wins though .

And people who don't help when staying for a week - well thats just lazy and rude.

I don't expect overnight guests to help but if you're staying longer - yes I do expect you to make me a cup of tea thank you