to think if you go and stay with someone for a week, then you might at least buy them a bottle of wine as a thank you for putting them up and feeding them?

[MrsSchadenfreude]

I'm not asking to be taken out to dinner for a big fancy schmancy meal or inundated with gifts. I understand that a week's free accommodation in Paris is a cheap holiday for some friends who might not get a holiday otherwise. But you can buy a reasonable bottle of wine for 5 euros here, or a small bunch of nice flowers for about the same - if someone has put you up for a week, fed you, provided beer, wine and gin, and you haven't as much as brought tea bags with you, it is not too much to contribute a bottle of wine to dinner one night, is it?

Well Queenbuzz - the first years when we went to them were fine cos I was doing all the giving right?? (just realising this now) and I honestly loved seeing them and really appeciated them having us for a lovely holiday - I truly didn't want to take them for a ride. I just cannot believe how they have treated us - particularly their son who really made himself at home! We are very social people - we had 16 today for lunch - and I welcome anyone but I am with OP - I do expect the courtesy of a gesture of thanks - not necessarily materialistic - it could be the washing up.
This boy was 17 when he came to us and we had to parent him - he wasn't just a non paying lodger. I don't know how I feel about my friend tbh because I now realise she is not the person I thought she was. I am avoiding her!!

Iamamug hope thatyou are not having then back right!

YANBU... have had guests like that and they keep hinting how much they'd like to visit again. No invitation forthcoming!!!!!! One is the fussiest eater ever (allergic to this, intolerant to that...) who chose all sorts of special expensive food when we went shopping but made no attempt to actually pay for it. With hindsight, I should have left the lot in the shop (including my rude guest )...

No Piglet - never again - I will struggle to invite them for lunch - don't think I can as I have all this pent up inside and I am so non-confrontational that I can't bear a row So I am avoiding them !

It should be a two way thing. So YANBU. I have a friend that stays with me regularly, she buys food and cooks when I am coming in late from work.

Other friends fend for themselves most of the time or I make a big pot of food. A gift afterward is just good manners.

Thats good Iamamug

Iamamug, how and why did you put up wioth it for so long?
It's unbelievable.
Did it not casue trememndous stress in your family?

Iamamug - I can't believe this boy's parents, your friends, didn't even offer you a penny That is outrageous.

Is it possible they were sending money to him for his board thinking he'd give it to you? It does sound as though he was hopeless with money. And we always want to think the best of our DC...

I lived in Bangkok and all our house guests were a pleasure to have, except for my SIL. Yes, she babysat my daughter a few times, but when she returned to Australia she left her boyfriend with us! They didn't mention him staying on once. He wandered around the house topless in front of my guests and our maid (not on at all in Thailand and I didn't like it either). My husband found him somewhere to live and he moved out. We later learned that he had left a string of debts and that the SIL had an AIDS test.

A token of appreciation from a guest is nice, but better still are guests who behave well. They make the effort to get dressed, tidy up after themselves, are knowledgeable about local customs, take it upon themselves to do some chores or offer to contribute in someway to the household (in some countries like Thailand this includes the guests making a payment to the maid for her extra work) and finally leaving when they say they will.

can't belive you are getting any flak over this thread MrsS. YA definitely NBU. It sounds like you've had my brother to stay!

I don't think you are BU, however this subject is always a hot potato.

We have just had guests this weekend whom we have known forever. Before coming they were adamant they didn't want to put us out and I said it would be no bother. They came, offered to help to pay for the weekend's food, offered to help with party preparations, cleaning up etc, brought gifts for the whole family. How fantastic.

We all went out to a friend's 40th party on the saturday night and forgot one golden rule. Let's agree in advance what time to leave. Cue a stroppy me at 4am worrying about the babysitter, then an argument and one ruined friendship later

I think the trick is to be clear about what you expect of your guests and communicate that right from the beginning. It might sound quite harsh and not 'the right thing to do' but it sure avoids any misunderstandings.

that's a shame. Can't you fix it somehow M&M?

MrsSchadenfreude. Did I get this right, it was your mum?

You expected your mum to buy a bottle of wine to show her appreciation that you let her visit?

The mind boggles.....

Maybe not a gift if money is tight but definitely help with the washing up. How strange.

Is tis family? I can't imagine friends would act like that.

thought the OP is about acquaintances who came to visit for a week. Then the thread got on to family vs friend visits and at that point Mrs S also mentioned that her mum would sigh that a person could die of thirst in their house, meaning she expected to have drinks offered all the time, rather than just ask when she is thirsty or indeed help herself

don't think the OP is about a visit from the mother

You are right Zen it is a shame. I need to swallow my Bull like tendencies and just get on and apologise.

Anyone who has lived abroad has experienced this problem, particularly if you live in a sought after holiday destination.

We have been lucky, most of our guests have been great. I am not keen on SIL coming (but cannot avoid it so restrict her visits to once a year) for this reason. They all sit on their arses and watch shite chav TV while I do the work. Last time they were here I said cheerily, "RIGHT! SIL and DN, you are on KP duties with me after dinner" cause I was fed up.

Other friends, who we had not heard from almost since we moved to Geneva a year previously, asked to come and visit. They phoned once the week before to let us know the flight details. DH picked them up from the airport, they stayed with us for 3 nights, did NOTHING to help and brought cheap sweets from the airport for the DC. After we took them back to the airport, we have not heard since.

Now, I am not expecting fab gifts, but a bottle of wine would not go amiss. And at least a quick phone call or email to say thanks for the hospitality.

QS
My mum is our favourite visitor.

She looks after the DC, does the ironing, goes shopping (and does not expect reimbursement) walks the dog, does the dishes...

She would never think of sitting there and not doing anything, and often brings flowers or wine when she is out for the day.

If i wasso skint that I could not afford a bottle of wine, or a box of chocolates, or flowers to show my appreciation, (tbh the very least I would do would be cook a meal, buying all the ingredients myself) then I would not go. Simple as that.

No, my mum would not sit and do nothing, either. But I would not expect anybody to buy a bottle of wine, as "payment for not doing a thing".

We have had numerous guests, and most have been very helpful, and brought gifts on their arrival, chipped in when out shopping. Aside from one family. To be frank, I would feel offended if they presented me with a bottle of plonk at the end of their visit. The gesture would be nice, but would not at all make up for costing ut so much money and effort, and cleaning up the filthy guest room after they left. (Not to mention their refusal to even go half half on the garage bill after they borrowed our car and wrecked it, as they did not want to spend money on a rental they borrowed ours, while I borrowed my mums) And yes, they also wanted money for some food they had bought. If they had presented me with a bottle of wine, I think I would have "baptized" them The Guests From Hell, with it. (in ship like fashion)

QS
We have had a car smashed by our guests too. They did pay for the repairs, but of course our insurance went up that year. Annoying but it can happen when guests borrow a car. Very poor of them not to at least pay for the costs of repairs.

I think that the issue is not the buying of a present.

It is whether the guests give you the feeling that they appreciate the work you have had due to them.

See, you can only be a mug if you let yourself (or have a martyr complex).

'I am not keen on SIL coming (but cannot avoid it so restrict her visits to once a year) for this reason. They all sit on their arses and watch shite chav TV while I do the work. Last time they were here I said cheerily, "RIGHT! SIL and DN, you are on KP duties with me after dinner" cause I was fed up.'

I'd have no problem whatsoever with turning off that fucking TV, removing the cable, it's my TV after all and saying, 'Time for a pow wow here, folks. No. 1, this is not a hotel . . . '

And going from there.

Gifts I can do without, but people who sit on their arse and expect to be waiting on can go stay in a hotel.

And IMO, it makes no differnce if it's family.

We're brassic. My parents had to fly us to theirs for us to get there.

But whilst we were there, and at my sisters, we did all housework, chores and cooking, and I picked up my nieces from school and took them in in the morning so BIL could have some time to himself after work (my sister goes into work super early).

Our girls pitched in, too.

My family have grown up and left home and OH works away alot and I hate having guests because then I have to cook and fill the fridge (hate supermarket shopping).

On my own I can get by for weeks on stuff at the bottom of the freezer and milk from the local garage. I have a bread maker so never go near a supermarket unless I have to.

I expect BIG gifts if I cook tedious meals night after night and nip to and from the supermarket (because it turns out EVERYONE likes meusli or someone can't live without tomato ketchup).

Having guests deserves big rewards (just remembering spending 35 quid on a roast beef for 7 not long ago!).

Zen she sent a text just now saying she has mistakenly taken some of dd's clothes so I replied and have apologised. It's the right and grown up thing to do isn't it?

My mum is a joy to have come and stay.

Expat
I can do that with my family but wuss out with DH's siblings.

Although I did let her know that I was not pleased when her DS had a dose of the runs and messed up the bed. Not that he could help that, but she simply put a towel over the (ruined) sheet rather than washing it, and was going to let her DC sleep in the bed again that night. I only discovered by accident when I went up to open the window in the guest room.