Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't have to pay for their education?

230 replies

Name1 · 08/05/2010 08:40

Namechanged as I have a feeling I will get judged and lynched here.
My fiance' and I are in the process of moving in together. He and his Son are moving to my house (with me and my DS) as teh house is bigger and more spacious and also because I own it, not rent.
DF and I have have a lot in common but we have led pretty different lives up until now. I have a professional career and savings, DF works in Halfords and has no savings. I didn't think it would be a problem. Anyway last night DF mentioned something about when his son starts my son's school. (My son goes private) and this suprised me as I thought he had no money! So I casually asked how he'd got the fees together. He looked at me really suspiciously and said "you have loads of savings". So to cut a long story short, he assumed I would be paying for his DS's education when he comes to live here and not only that, but his daughter's also who lives with her mother!!! I feel a bit used and I'm starting to wonder if money is more of a kmotivation to him moving here than our relationship is.
I know the boys would have to be treat the same and have the same opportunities but is it really right that I have to use my savings to put his child through private school? or aibu?

In the past year or so I have bought his DS clothes, paid for his passport, paid for a school trip he had as DF couldn't find the money and also paid for a day to Alton Towers for us all. I'm not tight but putting another child through private will eat at my savings.

OP posts:
MmeTrueBlueberry · 08/05/2010 08:43

Think about it after you are married.

belgo · 08/05/2010 08:43

Sounds to me you have a lot of talking to do before you move in together.

Do his children even want to leave their school? What does their mother say?

MrsVidic · 08/05/2010 08:44

YANBU- its your money and your savings. If your combined income could support it than I would say YAB a little U but if you would need to spend your savings on privatley educating his children- even the ones who don't live with you - thats unnacceptable.

What you have before you met him you should keep for you child and not fritter it away educating his children- if he wants them educating so much he can pay for it himself

itsmeitsmeolord · 08/05/2010 08:46

It's not up to you to put your stepchild through private education with your savings.
He already has two parents who are responsible for his education and financial support of their choices.

I think the money thing is going to be a problem though, he sounds as though he is going to be a cocklodger.

MrsVidic · 08/05/2010 08:47

lol cocklodger

bunnymother · 08/05/2010 08:48

Sorry, I think you need to have a frank discussion w DF about how the finances are going to work going forward. Obv he thinks "what's yours is mine", which is tricky in a situation like this. FWIW I wouldn't pay those school fees - I see that as the parents responsibility, not yours. Honestly, much much more straight forward when you can/do earn similar amounts.

MaisietheMorningsideCat · 08/05/2010 08:48

These children will be your stepchildren - had you thought of that?

How would you feel if you were in a low paid job, had met and fallen in love with a man who earns more than you and had savings in the bank, who had a child at private school - then refused to pay for your child to attend the same school as it's half-siblings?

It sounds to be as if you're not quite sure about this relationship.

sethstarkaddersmum · 08/05/2010 08:49

oh dear, I think you need to have a talk about what the assumptions are on both sides - everything needs to be out in the open before you go any further.

belgo · 08/05/2010 08:49

if you really think money is going to be an issue, get him to sign a pre nup.

It is a huge assumption that you are going to put both of his children through private school with your savings. That doesn't bode well.

bunnymother · 08/05/2010 08:50

MrsVidic has phrased this better than me in her post.

moomaa · 08/05/2010 08:51

There is no way that I would pay unless I could spare the money comfortably.

Original poster
Name1 · 08/05/2010 08:51

Apparantly the kids already know as does his ex wife so it sounds to me like they've had this planned all along. What annoys me the most is that he never even asked me, he just assumed. Another thing was that me and DS went to Florida a couple of years ago and DF has decided that it's only right that we all go again so that his children get to see it too. Guess who will be paying for that one?
Paying for stuff doesn't bother me, its the assumption that gets me and the way he doesn't even try to offer anything towards this stuff. Like with the Alton Towers thing, all together day cost me £200 - what was wrong with him offering at least something towards petrol? or a tenner towards his son's school trip? Just a small contribution would be nice but he never even does that.

OP posts:
belgo · 08/05/2010 08:51

Maisie - they are not half siblings, they are step siblings, with their own parents.

MaisietheMorningsideCat · 08/05/2010 08:52

Sorry - you're right - trying to type with a 3 yr child in my ear

LittleMrsHappy · 08/05/2010 08:52

Does one child live with him, and the other live with his Ex?

I personally would not, its far too early into the relationship, and you are not responsible for their children's education, when they have both parents.

Also you need to discuss money, I assume you will be paying all bills and he will be having a life of Riley at your expense?

Original poster
Name1 · 08/05/2010 08:54

Their mum is a nurse so its not as if she'd be short of money. I just don't see why they've not saved anything in the past or why, if they want him to go private, they've not tried to arrange anything between them about finances. Even if they said they would put half the school fees towards it between them, it would be something but they just assume I have endless ammounts of money and that I don't mind paying for everything.

OP posts:
itsmeitsmeolord · 08/05/2010 08:55

DONT LET HIM MOVE IN!!!

Seriously, he is a cocklodging ponce and will bleed you dry.

I am the main wage earner and have a dsd. I pay for clothes, school trips etc but partner contributes what he can.

Find someone who is your equal, not necessarily financially but mentally. This guy AND his ex has already based a whole new flash lifestyle on YOUR income and savings.

belgo · 08/05/2010 08:56

If she's a nurse and he works in Halfords then pauing for two children to be privately educated is probably beyond their financial means.

But as you say, that does not mean that you should be expected to pay the full amount, if anything, towards the fees.

You need to be listening to these warning bells.

firsttimemum77 · 08/05/2010 08:58

The words 'sugar and mummy' come to mind. From what you have wrote it does sound like he is just in it for the ££££...

Tootlesmummy · 08/05/2010 09:00

I wouldn't let him move in just now.

I do think the mum being a nurse and him being a shop worker probably means they can't afford it and how would you feel if you moved in with a richer man whose children went to private school?

However, I think this is a conversation that has to be had first and why the hell would he have told his ex and the kids before he told you!? major alarm bells if I were you.

Goblinchild · 08/05/2010 09:04

How long have you been a couple?
It's the assumptions that would bother me most, I'd never be in any relationship where someone could think that there was do need to discuss important decisions.

Goblinchild · 08/05/2010 09:05

Oops!
'No need to discuss'

magentadreamer · 08/05/2010 09:05

I'd be very wary. I think you need to have a very long chat about the household finances and how it's going to work. The fact his ex knows that you will be paying for both his kids to go to private school is also worrying. I personally wouldn't want to use my savings to fund another persons DC's education and not when it was expected and the parents are not stumping up something towards the fees.

differentID · 08/05/2010 09:06

I think you should put the stoppers on him moving in at the moment.

He will bleed you dry, especially as he seems to be doing so already.

I'm sorry to say, perhaps you need to look at the relationship. It sounds as though he is using you. You have already mentioned he hasn't contributed to several expensve activities in the past year- what does he contribute to?

MollieO · 08/05/2010 09:06

It is one thing to discuss school fees and agree what you will do. That is what I'd expect if I was engaged to someone with a significantly lower income. It is a completely different thing to be set up, as you are being. The fact that your df has discussed and agreed this with his ex and made a huge assumption that your money is his to do with what he likes makes me think you need to think long and hard about this relationship.

If you are happy to pay for df and his ex and their children then go ahead and get married. If not then you need to be thinking carefully about your future together. Even if you say you won't pay school fees for your df's children the fact that he wants his children to be privately educated and can't afford it will cause huge amounts of (unreasonable) resentment on his part.

Is there anything that you have said that could have led your df to make these assumptions? If not, if it were me I would probably consider leaving as these seem pretty fundamental issues to me.

Swipe left for the next trending thread